<p>My 17 year old daughter has a really nice group of girl friends and they’ve recently started hanging out with a group of guys. I try to be the mom who is friendly and available but not intrusive. I usually try to greet my daughter’s friends when they come in and then leave them alone. Most of her girl friends are easy to talk to and always friendly to me. A few of them just look at me blankly and barely say anything…it is so strange. Some of them always ask her about me and a few even wanted to go out to lunch with me or come over and have dinner with me. Then when my daughter has guy friends come in, they are usually extremely awkward when I say hi to them and can barely open their mouth to say hello. One of them who is 6’6" and huge shook my husband’s hand and my husband said he had a very weak handshake. We have a 20 year old son so we are used to awkward teen boys but usually my son’s friends could say a few sentences by the time they were 17. Are 17 year old boys really this awkward around most parents? Do you find it awkward to interact with some of your teen’s friends?</p>
<p>When my sons were 17, they could hold a brief, small-talk conversation with their friends’ parents. And so could their friends with DH and me.</p>
<p>My friends (male and female) could always easily talk to my parents. They were mostly extreme extroverts though (and so are my parents). </p>
<p>OTOH, my now-fiance could barely formulate three words when he first met my parents when we were 20. He’s a very shy individual. I think some people are just more shy than others. It really, really can be difficult for some people to talk to strangers. It’s not a matter of being “trained.” It’s also not something people who are comfortable in social situations understand. </p>
<p>I think the problem is limited to relatively new male friends of a girl, dealing with the girl’s parent. With my kids, a bunch of their friends were kids I had known (and driven around, and blown their noses) since they were 5. None of those had trouble talking to me, regardless of gender. New friends who were girls never had trouble, either, whether they were friends with my son or my daughter. New male friends of my son were no problem. New male friends of my daughter . . . mostly didn’t come around the house. Only a couple ever felt comfortable talking to me.</p>
<p>Also, in general, in our family, kids friends’ had a lot harder time talking to my wife than to me. Not so much our kids’ long-term friends, who got used to her and understood that she was not necessarily as intimidating as she seemed at first. But newer friends of either sex of either kid often found her a little intense and scary.</p>
<p>There is a huge range in how teenagers act around parents. Some are very poised, some freeze up. Some are so Eddie Haskell-ish I get suspicious, some are deliberately provocative. </p>
<p>Like you, OP, I try to be friendly and take an interest in each kid, then get out of the way. When I meet an awkward one, I just try to remember how I was at my worst back in the day, when I thought I was ugly or uncool or tongue tied. </p>
<p>In our house I would smile and say hello. I would then tell the kids what was in the refriderators and freezers. I would stock good friends’ faves. After a few times the kids would start talking and I listened. </p>
<p>I have never had a problem talking with my daughter’s friends of both sexes but like JHS I knew many of them from when they wee in kindergarten and as class mom etc. had spent many years talking to them. I would say stick to small talk - food, basic school stuff, etc. and that should work.</p>
<p>My oldest DS is 19. I can barely get a sentence out of some of his friends while others are magpies…Each kid is different. Plus I know I didn’t spend much time talking to my friends parents when I was a teenager. I wouldn’t worry about it.</p>
<p>But I don’t understand why how tall a kid is should make a difference and how they shake hands.</p>
<p>Probably have no idea what to say to you. If “hello” seems to escape them as they keep their hands in their pockets and look at the ground, that’s just awkward. But if you’re expecting great conversations about literature you’re expecting too much. </p>
<p>Most of my older sons friends (age 20) are happy to make small talk and we great each other with a friendly smile. I really lIke seeing them, even briefly, to hear what they are up to, how they like college, etc. But his best friend since second grade acts as if I am invisible. It bugs the crap out of me! I will say something or ask him a question and he will just start talking about something else to my son. It is really rude. He is old enough to know better. And we are actually close friends with the guy’s parents. I just give up on how to deal with this situation. I think it’s him, not me.</p>
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And this is somehow meaningful?</p>
<p>Big man = Strong grip. </p>
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<p>He might be overcompensating on balancing the degree of grip due to prior experiences of not knowing his strength and accidentally crushing the hands of other friends’ parents, teachers, job supervisors, etc.</p>
<p>That might be kind of judgmental on the handshake. He might not be aware that in order to be a manly man, you must have a strong grip. I’m sure it’s not a reflection of character at this age, sooner or later he will be informed.</p>
<p>If you want to have conversation with the guys, figure out what they are interested in. I would expect the girls would have some ideas of what they’re into. Ask some intelligent questions, and you might turn an introverted guy into a non stop talker. If you really do want to talk to them, do a little research. Don’t expect everyone to be extroverted, you might have to do a little leg work.</p>
<p>“But his best friend since second grade acts as if I am invisible. It bugs the crap out of me! I will say something or ask him a question and he will just start talking about something else to my son. It is really rude. He is old enough to know better. And we are actually close friends with the guy’s parents. I just give up on how to deal with this situation. I think it’s him, not me”</p>
<p>So, @LBowie, I have a solution for that. Yes, it is him, but you’ve probably allowed him to get away with this. Don’t. Next time he does this, ask the question louder to him. Don’t let him get away with it. You don’t have to be confrontational, just persistent, and louder. Even, “Hey Joe, stop ignoring me, I’m going to keep asking. How is everything going?” Say it with a big smile. Consider it your chance to train him a bit. If he’s been doing this forever, he’s used to this being his interaction with you, and you just need to deal with this in a friendly, yet persistent way. He’ll do what he needs to, in order to get you to leave him alone. Consider it a favor to the other adults in the world.</p>
<p>Interesting replies! I wrote this post after a few kids stopped by today before heading off to a golf tournament which is when I experienced a few blank stares from some girls and mumbled hello from a teen guy. I asked my daughter later what was up with her friends and she said the guy is just really shy and awkward and takes a long time to warm up to people and also said that her one girl friend is always blank and admitted that the other girl (who is usually friendly) was being “weird” today 
I guess it was just an off day because usually most of the kids will exchange words with me. I guess I feel like I should be able to relate to teen boys since I have a son and have been around lots of teen boys so it is strange when they don’t say much. Anyway, as for the 6’6" boy with the weak handshake, my husband actually judges people on their handshake. Is that fair? Probably not but he thinks it shows if they are taught to be polite and to know how to shake hands firmly when meeting someone. Our son was taught by age 12 to do this. Did he always do it? I don’t know:)
I guess I’ll just keep saying hello with a smile and keeping lots of food around the house…parents are meant to be around but not seen or heard, I guess :)</p>
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<p>Not everyone may have learned that from their home environment or figured out how to fine tune the degree of grip needed for a firm handshake without it being too weak or too crushing. </p>
<p>I experienced the latter issue as I wasn’t very strong and one of the shortest males in my grade until the beginning of junior year of HS. Went from having too weak of a grip till 15, ended up going too far the other way from 15-16, and found a good match right around the start of college at 17. </p>
<p>My younger DS, 17, has a friend since they were babies. I’m good friends with his mom. He is like a deer in headlights. He will not greet us first when he comes over or if I see him around. I think it’s so rude He will walk right by us and not say a word, I’m always the one to say Hi. My DH is tired of it and last time he came over just looked at him when they walked in the room. My kids aren’t Eddie Haskells, but I think this is one thing that is useful to teach kids. Say hello to parents and use their names (always Mr. Etc.) It’s not only polite, but people will respond and like them better. </p>
<p>I do small talk now with older DS friends…20 and 21…maybe 5 minutes and make myself scarce. Much easier than the teens. I don’t really small talk itch the younger group.</p>
<p>We’ve noticed a lot of variation in our kids’ friends–some of them immediately feel comfortable talking to the whole family, others seem to view themselves as the friend of the kid and that’s it. I think it’s a personality thing. As for handshakes, I do think kids need to be taught how to shake hands with adults–since I don’t see them shaking hands with each other very much.</p>
<p>Having lived in other cultural settings, including raising kids in another country, I have to say that students in the US are deficient when it comes to politeness, social interaction and just plain talking to adults normally. No offense and I have my own set of teenagers, and getting to know their friends we have broken the ice…but it takes a lot fo give-and-take (especially the backing off part in the beginning).</p>
<p>We have a weird “youth only” consumer culture which is quite strange.</p>
<p>I also teach young children and I see it happen. Children start off wanting to please adults (normal) and by middle school only care about their peers. Again, normal. The problem is that our culture does not provide many ways for them to realize that they are not the only humans in the room. Routinely in school kids much larger than me will literally bump into a teacher or another adult (physically) and not say “Sorry” or “Excuse me.” Doesn’t occur to them! Also disprespect comes very very early on, and when they are corrected children make it obvious that they are not used to being corrected on it at home. </p>
<p>OP I definitely see it. Other people think itis weird that our kids shake adults’ hands (a custom retained from abroad) AND – important! – have to look them in the eye and at least mutter a greeting (!) in order to complete the handshake. Friends are tricky, since you don’t want to embarass your kids. Frankly I think it is absolutely sociopathic that teenagers aren’t expected to be respectful tot he generation that feeds, clothes, houses and yes, pays for their education. I am not saying that all kids are like this. But in the culture it is not expected – and it is definitely not fostered. </p>
<p>We are a rich country but so poor in other ways!</p>