How to tell a teen girl nothing is wrong with her re: boys

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have a 17 year old D. The kind that adult men fall in love with and adult women think is stunning but high school boys just tease. Tall. Red hair. Ballerina type style. She had only one brief period of dating a guy - and she found out he was not who he had seemed to be. Since then she has had crushes on two guys - and she let both of them know. But both of them chose other girls. In other words, she wanted the boys who were girlfriend ready.</p>

<p>It’s hard for me to see this. I was a serial boyfriender from age 15 on. But what I use is a study we read done in Denmark that said the following: Girls who have boyfriends before the age of 16 or 17 universally appear not to benefit. They report more depression, lower grades, etc. Boys, however, in that age group, do better with a girlfriend. Higher grades, less depression, etc. Kind of makes you think, doesn’t it?</p>

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<p>I have a D like you and Alumother. Kate Moss zero bodyfat type. No significant interest for years-- and then suddenly last year, interest from a 23 year old (when she was 17!) :eek: Since then it’s been ‘Katie, bar the door.’ They are waking up.</p>

<p>These girls are the less “obvious” girls whom guys do discover, but later.</p>

<p>My older, male, cool, & handsome cousin said something that saved me when I was a gawky 17 year old bemoaning my boyfriendless state: “Don’t worry: nobody worth their salt peaks in high school.” </p>

<p>Good advice-- but I don’t think it comes out the same when your <em>mom</em> says it. ;)</p>

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<p>I had a lot of attention in high school- 105 lbs 32dd and titian hair will do that. Nothing I did- and the attention I got was often from guys i * didn’t* want attention from. I know it is hard when you are 15 and it seems like * everyone* is 15 going on 27. But the attention that I received for my physical appearance, took all attention away from anything else I did, indeed it made it more difficult in the long run for me. I wasn’t taken seriously because of my chest and because I wasn’t getting reinforcement at home for other attributes, I felt that the appearance was all that mattered and all i was good for. By reinforcing your daughters qualities besides the superficial ones that peers are often interested, it gives her more reserves to stay true to who she is, and have relationships that are deeper than “they make a cute couple”.
It took until I had a 4 year old and was in therapy before I realized that I was even smart enough to go to a community college. No offense to men or boys- goddess knows I love 'em, but romance can mess you up at a time when you should be getting to know yourself- first.</p>

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<p>Oldflowerchild - I had pretty much the same conversation with my almost-17 year old about 2 months ago. She was particularly frustrated because she goes to a very small high school, so there is not much of an opportunity to meet new people. I told her that I thought that she probably intimidated the guys - she has a strong personality and is very smart and assertive. She said that her friends said the same thing.</p>

<p>We talked about how immature high school kids are, and I suggested some places or activities where she could go outside of her high school where she might have a better chance of meeting some new guys. (She thought my suggestions were really lame).</p>

<p>A couple of weeks later she attended a party given by a casual friend at her school, so the group of kids who were invited were outside of her usual crowd. She got to talking to one particular guy… and it all came together. Now she is in love, they are together every weekend, and all I hear is her singing the praises of this kid. He does seem nice.</p>

<p>It really will come when it comes. The first thing is that it has to be the right guy. With my daughter it started with talking – lots and lots of talking – and there just happened to be a chord that was struck between these two. </p>

<p>It also really is true that most high school boys aren’t ready for dating - my daughter’s bf is a senior who is 18, which is fine now that she is a junior – but he’s kind of shy and also feeling his way around his first serious relationship – I don’t think HE would have been ready a year ago. And I’d rather my daughter be with the older, less precocious kid – the boys who were interested in dating early seemed to be interested in sex and not much else. </p>

<p>So I would say: say things to your daughter that will help boost her self-esteem, encourage her to talk to you, share some of your own early experiences with boys, including the how-you-met and how-it-began parts… and also take a big sigh of relief that your 15 year old is NOT yet dating. Because there are a whole slew of other issues that come into play the day your daughter decides that she is in love with the cutest, smartest, most talented, most wonderful guy on the planet. And there is a world of difference between age 15 and age 16… and then another world at 17. </p>

<p>It’s not a matter of what is best – it really depends on the kid and the couple. What you can do as a parent is show that you are supportive and understanding – talking about dating and relationships is a particularly valuable opportunity to lay the groundwork for open communication between you and your daughter about issues related to sex, if and when the sex-talk moves from the realm of the hypothetical to the possible, likely, or already-happening.</p>

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<p>I can vouch for this statement. I did not have a boyfriend until I was 15, but most of my friends did all through junior high. I thought there must be something wrong with me!! </p>

<p>About that college thing…here’s the story:
I was a very dorky-looking kid (grade school-jr high ages). I am not kidding. Also, my parents were not very umm, rich, so I was pretty much ignored by all the “popular” (aka: snotty) girls, and boys for that matter. I never had label clothes like them and my mom cut my hair :eek: . Oy.
By the time I was an older teen/college age I had a job and could afford some of the frills. But most importantly I had some confidence at this point. I did not care what the “popular” crowd thought. And guess what, this is when I started getting A LOT of attention from guys (not that that is always a good thing, though). </p>

<p>However, oldflowerchild, it sounds like your D is not a dork like I was and does have confidence. She probably does have admirers, but they are intimidated or assume she likes someone else, you know…</p>

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<p>I disagree a little bit. I just think that times have changed! </p>

<p>Watching this has been a little disconcerting (e.g., “friends with priviliges”), but it’s not my generation and I have a hard time comparing/contrasting my HS experiences with my teen’s life.</p>

<p>The world has changed around them so drastically, and the whole sexual milieu has shifted. This has affected everything sexual (and by “sexual” I don’t mean “sex” per se, but the relationship between males and females).</p>

<p>I’m convinced that the unbelievable pervasiveness of sexuality EVERYWHERE has forever changed things, including the whole concept of “dating.”</p>

<p>Am I way far off…?</p>

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<p>At 15 she shouldn’t be worried at all. I didn’t get my first kiss until I was past 16 (now I’m 20 and I’ve been in a few serious relationships). I had a lot of guy friends, but like your daughter, none saw me as a potential girlfriend. I eventually met a guy who didn’t go to my school, and as soon as we began dating at least 6 (!) guys approached me and either asked me out or told me they liked me. Many guys have since told me that because I was tall, blonde, pretty popular and intelligent I seemed undateable. As soon as that wall was broken, they came flooding in. </p>

<p>Also let your daughter know that relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, especially at 15! I know I went through a lot of pain and suffering (including a rape, but that’s another story) and wishing I could just be single and living the simple life again… good luck to both of you!</p>

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<p>Oldflowerchild –
I have a 17 y/o son, and he claims that he’s had girlfriends since he was a freshman in high school. That may be so, but we never saw them or heard their names mentioned until just this year. If he had girlfriends when he was 15, the girls themselves might not have known about it! :smiley: </p>

<p>Guys know how to relate to girls as friends, but it takes them a while to figure out how to behave when they want to be something more. Just tell your D to keep doing what she’s doing, stay true to herself, and a year from now, those guy friends will start to notice how smart and lovely she really is. Then, she’ll have a whole new problem…how to tell guy friends that she’s not interested in them as boyfriends. Aaargh, that’s a much harder situation to deal with. :slight_smile: Or, maybe she will be interested in one or two…</p>

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<p>Her social life sounds totally age-appropriate to me. Very few of my of my daughter’s friends–who were very bright, very good students, very attractive, ans very active in school activities–had real boyfriends through most of high school; they did go to the prom junior and senior years (some with guy friends and others in groups of just girls, which is considered very acceptable at our school; a few had dates but they were often first dates). These girls tended to go to the movies or to hang out at people’s houses in groups that were sometimes coed and sometimes not. They were very comfortable with boys, and seemed very happy with that pattern, (As it happens my daughter did have a pretty serious boyfriend senior year, and the downside of that is the almost inevitable end of the idyll when summer comes or, at the latest, Christmas break of freshman year of college.) </p>

<p>Just keep giving your daughter positive feedback about her personal qualities as well as her academics; as long as she is comfortable with herself and with boys, and it sounds as though she is, the next step will come naturally when the time is right, which may be junior or senior year or may be in college.</p>

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<p>Actually, digmedia, I don’t see that big of a difference between my daughter’s generation and my own. In fact, it has been a help to us along the way that my daughter seems to be running into the same issues at about the same age that I did, give or take 6 months or so. I do think that these days kids are far more open about discussing things – and the whole casual oral sex thing is new, starting with kids around age 13-14 (at least among those who are willing). But I remember at least one girl from my own high school who dropped out to get married at age 15 & pregnant.</p>

<p>I do think that there is too much focus on sex and not enough on the emotional aspects of relationships. This is true in terms of the media, t.v. & movies – and also true in terms of the information we give to kids. I mean, we tell our kids all about the mechanics of sex and birth control and STD’s, and then admonish them against taking risks or crossing whatever moral boundaries we adhere to related to sex… but we don’t spend much time giving information on the interpersonal aspects of a dating relationship. I guess we think they will figure it out for themselves. But that’s the part I felt I needed help with when I was young, and that’s the part my daughter really needs help with now. Time-management ia also a biggie for our overscheduled, high achieving high schoolers. My son dealt with that by simply avoiding dating in high school - he said then that he didn’t want a girlfriend, because a girl would always want to be with him and take up all his time.</p>

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<p>My daughter’s not in high school yet, but I don’t think I’d be thrilled if she were to be seriously involved at that age…its too distracting and there’s so much drama. (as another poster mentionned)…I want her to focus on academics and friends and other activities…not a boy…Plus the sexual aspect of it…there’s so much time in life for all of that…later…My son’s only in 6th grade and already the girls are trying to “go steady” with some of his friends…(their mothers take them on movie dates…jeez…)…I tell him to have lots of friends of both boys and girls but that there isn’t a need to pair up til much later…I guess I’m just VERY old fashioned…</p>

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<p>I agree with you , digs. </p>

<p>Back in the day, <em>cough cough</em>, it was possible for a 15 year old girl to ‘date’ a boy for months–without inapporpriate sexuality. Second base was a HUGE deal, wasn’t it? It could take months of pashing! (Not that there weren’t girls who were getting nookie from the maintenance men in the loos–but for the majority).</p>

<p>The base running time frame has been shortened. Serious relationships move to third, fourth and fifth base in a matter of weeks. That is an overwhelming prospect–even for 15 year old boys. It puts a damper on the ‘dating’ scene.</p>

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<p>oldflowerchild, all I read was your post on this thread and you know, I think most guys are shallow (I’m a guy) and base a lot of what they think on a woman by their looks but don’t want to admit it. Maybe your daughter isn’t as “beautiful” as you think. You never know but that’s jsut my opinions and I don’t mean to harm or hurt you in anyway</p>

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<p>Ummm, she is…maybe not perfect, but yeah, she is very pretty…she is just not obvious in her behaviour…</p>

<p>I don’t have any concerns about her personality, humor, looks. She was going through a rough patch, and I subtley shared some of the observations here in a round about way, and she has realized she isn’t missing out on anything, and has stopped listening to her friends “advice” so much, and is actually in a great place. We also went to dinner with some friends of mine and we told stories of our boyfriendless and dateless high school years!! It was so much fun to compare stories and my D opened up about what goes on at her school, so that was good.</p>

<p>And you didn’t hurt me; ) by the way, thanks for admitting guys are shallow!!!</p>

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<p>Funny story: I broke up with my first boyfriend because he was TOO serious. He was about ready to buy the wedding invitations… And we were in 7th grade. But I guess he never just figured out what “turned me on… so to speak.” He obviously was being told by his mom what to do: love poems, flowers, endless gifts… It was smothering. I just wanted some guy to sit with at lunch sometimes.</p>

<p>But I haven’t had a boyfriend in high school, and have no real desire. Mind you, I have a few guys I wouldn’t mind dating. :wink: But I have activities and such that really don’t leave time for a serious boyfriend. The problem with dating in high school is the rumor mill. If she starts dating, then every personal trauma becomes common knowledge. It’s not fun. She should enjoy hanging out with her guy friends, without worrying about things getting weird… (Like what if they break up? Will it ruin her group of friends? It happens a lot.)</p>

<p>15 was a weird age. It only lasts twelve months. Hold on, and things get better.</p>

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<p>Everyone is shallow to an extent. That includes girls as well as guys.</p>

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<p>thisyearsgirl: thank you for your maturity! You are indeed right that girls can be just as shallow. So many (even adults I know :rolleyes: ) judge a boy/man by the car he drives, how much money he has/makes, etc.</p>

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<p>…or if he is taller than her, what kind of money he might make, how much “stuff” he gives her, or if he is cute… </p>

<p>First question I always get when I have a new boyfriend: “Is he cute?” Ugh.</p>