<p>We had a similar situation, but just for a regular dorm room with 4 girls. One girl wanted matching bedspreads and shower curtain, tv, fridge, etc. When my daughter responded, it turned out the other 2 girls were hesitant also, but afraid to say anything. My D just told her that she already had a bedspread that a friend had given her and wanted to use it. She also told the girl we did not want to go in on items because of splitting them at the end. Fridges are easily sold at the end of the year on craigslist (and can be purchased there too for little money). I would just agree to a certain amount to be contributed, but would suggest that rather than split the amount, each girl purchase specific items. I think the $100 you are proposing is more than fair.</p>
<p>This one is easy to me. Just tell the others what she can afford to spend, in this case $100. The others will be on notice that anything above that is of their own choosing. I agree with the idea of each girl buying an item rather than having to worry about splitting items at the end of the year. Besides, a scale is totally unnecesary.</p>
<p>I think it’s really important to set ground rules early because she’ll be facing money decisions all year long with these girls – will they want to constantly order pizza, go to expensive concerts, and do other things your dd can’t afford. Setting the expectation up front that she doesn’t have an endless supply of money will make her life easier all year.</p>
<p>Excuse me for going off topic, but reading this thread reminded me of Walter Kirn’s experience at Princeton:</p>
<p>" One afternoon a van from Bloomingdale’s pulled up in front of our dormitory, and a crew of men began unloading furniture that appeared to belong on the set of a TV show about single young socialites. The men placed armchairs, lamps, tables, and a sofa in one corner of the living room and then unrolled an Oriental rug so vast that its edges curled up against the walls, blocking the electrical sockets. After directing the placement of each piece, Jennifer and her boyfriend sought me out in my tiny bedroom, whose only furnishings were a desk, a bed, and a bookcase fashioned from plastic milk crates. Owing to my budget, many of the books inside it were stolen from the university bookstore; I’d never bought books before, and couldn’t believe how expensive the damned things were.</p>
<p>“We figured out everyone’s share of the new living room,” the boyfriend said. “Yours is five hundred and ten.”</p>
<p>I laughed out loud. “But I didn’t order any of it.”</p>
<p>“Well, you’ll benefit from it, won’t you?” Jennifer said. . . .</p>
<p>After I told my roommates to stop bothering me, they convened a meeting in the common room and voted to ban me from touching any item, including the rug, that I had not bought stock in. This put the entire suite—except for the bathroom, my bedroom, and the hallway leading to the front door—off limits to me. . . ."</p>
<p>[Lost</a> in the Meritocracy - Magazine - The Atlantic](<a href=“http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2005/01/lost-in-the-meritocracy/3672/]Lost”>Lost in the Meritocracy - The Atlantic)</p>
<p>I agree with momlive, one of/( the) reasons for getting a place with a common room, instead of just getting a dorm room to split with one or two people - is to have more space.</p>
<p>You can’t get the advantage, and expect others to take the burden of the disadvantage.
While if you are really destitute ( in which case, why is she attending a school so far from home?
Are some of the girls able to bring stuff from home?
That would save a lot.
I can understand having a limit on monetary contributions- after thinking about it some more- if I was in that situation, this is what I would propose.</p>
<p>For all the roomies to decide what they need- by voting.
Making a schedule, of what they need to have immediately. Bare minimum.
Guesstimating, the minimum that the initial outlay would be- and dividing it up evenly.
If it comes to more than what D has- then perhaps she could work to earn the money or trade chores etc.
I think the contributions should be reasonable but as fairly equal as they can manage.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t overreact to this. My kids got a list like this from roommates and it wasn’t a big deal. They didn’t really need to deal with it at all before going (aside from the fridge).</p>
<p>They don’t need a tv, may not need a rug, certainly don’t need to share a scale, and probably don’t need curtains. Each kid can bring something to sit on.</p>
<p>Don’t encourage a used couch! There can be fleas, or other vermin, not good at all. Other used stuff is fine.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the reply. I’ll add some more info.
The $30 for refrigerator is the rental cost for one year per roommate ($120 total). My D will buy a butterfly chair anyway, she thinks is easy for some friends to store over the summer (I think 4 chairs is better than a sofa). The common room window looks at a open courtyard no need for privacy and not allowed to put holes on walls. This is in Northeast not a lot of sunlight most of the year. There is no furniture in the common room and it has wood floor. The residential buildings have lounge rooms with tv and full kitchen with utensils. One roommate is international and the other 2 are also more than 1000 miles away.
This list does not apply to her and her roommate bedroom, it is only for the common room and bathroom.
I respectfully disagree with interestdad. I’m not American and don’t buy into the “cultural norm”. I don’t care what the Johns have. I just want to prepare my DD in how to handle this situation.
I definitely agree that sharing the cost is a mistake. I haven’t mentioned the whole list but there are many items that may not be used by all girls for example a coffee maker, my DD doesn’t drink coffee only tea.
I know I’ll have to be the bad guy but want my DD to handle it well so that resentment doesn’t happen. My DD is working this summer to pay the expected summer earnings from her financial aid. There won’t be much left. She has already applied to some jobs in the area but wants to make sure she will have enough money for the first 2 weeks.
Would be better to let the girls know it now or wait until opening day to discuss with them?</p>
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<p>At some schools (like Yale), most students live in suites. All the on-campus housing costs exactly the same.</p>
<p>I agree with others who have said that she should be honest about what she can afford. In D’s freshman suite two of the girls wanted a futon for the common room, so they split the cost and then one bought out the other at the end of the year and kept it. They all rented a fridge ($100 split 6 ways) and each contributed something to the room: a comfy chair, a microwave, a wall hanging, etc. It worked out well. If I were your D, I’d wait until they all arrive on campus and deal with it then.</p>
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<p>Geographic location doesn’t matter – only privacy does. If the common room has shades (or some other window covering provided by Housing), or is an upper floor, then curtains are nice-to-haves. </p>
<p>Yes, you definitely need to set expectations before others buy stuff.</p>
<p>If the common room is empty, it does need to have some items for it. It makes no sense to move into a place with a room like that and then say you aren’t going to use the items so you won’t pay for them. What you need to do is decide how much your D and you can contribute. Maybe it is just a $100, maybe a little more, and the kids are going to have to find a way to get the stuff on a budget. That means curbside shopping and Good Will instead of Ikea. Also bringing sundries from home. </p>
<p>My son is going to be sharing an apartment with 3 other guys this fall. It is a university apartment so the furniture is provided, but they will need stuff like flatware, dishes, pots and pans, cleaning equipment, etc. I don’t see anyway out of pitching in with this. Son and roommates did set up a budget and they are all bringing stuff that will cut the list down further. There will be no truck from Bloomingdale’s or even Ikea pulling up to that place. We live the furthest away, so we won’t be contributing any heavy things, but a friend of mine in Denver is giving S a bunch of old things for his share. </p>
<p>When he said he wanted to go into the apartment, we knew that this would involve extra costs. How could it not? You also cannot live like an armed camp in a kitchen with each kid using only his own stuff…well, I guess you can, but it does not lead to a good atmosphere. All of my kids have experienced group living and we had to pay our share, but we made it clear that the reasonable limits were in there and if the other roommates had a problem with that, then my kid had to find another place to live.</p>
<p>This time around for my son, we have contributed a lot to his apartment since we live nearby. We’ve also hauled stuff and helped out with rides for the same reason. I don’t expect to get any of the stuff donated back. It’s better to kiss it good by when you donate it, not lend it to such causes, because you just might not get the stuff back and there are more important things to worry about in life than an old tv set or sofa that you could use. </p>
<p>If you can’t afford to pitch in what the others want for that room and it is causing an issue, your daughter should find other living arrangements.</p>
<p>bluebayou: curtains are nice-to-haves. But isn’t everything else too? This is a college room shouldn’t look like your home, it’s temporary. (btw there is no curtains in my house and I live in the South)</p>
<p>I agree that you should tell the others what the budget is because if they do buy things over the summer and your daughter hasn’t alerted them that she isn’t on board with their plans, they would be rightfully offended. You don’t want your daughter to be excluded from the common area and the only way to make sure that her budget is respected is to communicate that information.</p>
<p>I’d say something now – “FYI, I’ve got a budget I’ve got to stick to imposed by mom. $100 total, including the $30 for the fridge! Argh. She definitely will not pay hundreds of dollars more to outfit the common room. I just want to be clear upfront. I was planning on bringing a cool butterfly chair. How 'bout if I find the rug (or curtains or whatever)?”</p>
<p>This accomplishes various things:</p>
<p>1) makes you the bad guy and takes the heat off your dd
2) gives others who are afraid to speak up a chance to jump on your bandwagon.
3) sets a clear expectation – without a lot of apology for not being born a Kennedy
4) prevents a situation of people buying lots of stuff before they get there and then expecting your dd to cough up “her” portion of their spending sprees.</p>
<p>It takes a lot to offend my, but this did:</p>
<p>“While if you are really destitute ( in which case, why is she attending a school so far from home?”</p>
<p>So because this girl doesn’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a common room she should stay on her side of the country and hitchhike to a local school? That’s silly. College is about having new experiences. Maybe the girl who is proposing spending lots of money will learn that not everyone is as financially fortunate as she it; if she learns nothing else at college, it will be money well spent.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse: All suites have a common room this is not an option. When DD visit during open house she looked at a few suites and most of them had a couple of chairs and no decoration. The one she stay had nothing besides a refrigerator.
When she asked the host students about it they said most student don’t spend time in the common rooms.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay: Thank you. some comments should go answered.</p>
<p>Wanted to add that I agree somewhat w/cpt that if you can loosen the strings a bit that would be nice. I see your point about not needing to outfit it like it’s the Taj Mahal, but the girls do have to live there for a year so a nicety or two from you would be welcome.</p>
<p>It’s perfectly fine to not have a couch, but the roommate might (reasonably) conclude that if your D didn’t object, that meant she agreed.</p>
<p>I meant unanswered</p>
<p>I don’t think that they will be permitted to ban her from the common room. There might be hard feelings which can be tough since college is often a social/emotional pressure cooker. To live in a place where your suitemates don’t like you is asking for trouble. </p>
<p>I understand that all suites have a common room. Maybe she needs a shared dormroom instead of a suite/apt situation. Or get in with some kids who already have the place set up and just want another roommate. That’s what my one son did. He contributed little or nothing to the common goods because everything was already there and they didn’t need anything else. He did not join the groups of bushy tailed, bright eyed kids who were excitedly furnishing their first new place because that was not what he could afford. He lived in a frigging quad his sophomore year because that was what he could afford and what was left after eliminating other options that I refused to support. It would have been much nicer to move into one of the new townhouses or apts around the campus and to go to the Target,Walmart,etc and furnish the place, get all spanking new utensils and supplies. Not in the budget. His budget said dorm room or a share in a house that was below a set cost which did not mean that kind of shopping.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine for DD to tell her roommates that she is on a tight budget. But I think it would be awkward for her if she did not contribute to the common room. Look at what is available on campus and in the area in terms of sales of used furniture and have her suggest that approach. Many schools have ‘garage sales’ in the Fall for students to decorate with things other students are done with.</p>
<p>This is one of those times it may be worth it to DD to seek some extra work to feel like a full part of the freshmen suite.</p>
<p>I think telling her roommates that she has a budget is the way to go–that may also help with future potential issues, like extra food.</p>
<p>But I have to say that I don’t believe that anecdote about Princeton from Walter Kirn above for one minute, no matter when he is supposed to have gone there.</p>