<p>soutmom:</p>
<p>I separate ‘nice-to-haves’ from mandatory items, such as those for privacy/security, and electric power strips. Rugs on wooden floors are ‘nice-to-haves’. Ditto TVs. </p>
<p>But if girls are living on a ground floor without window coverings, then window coverings become a mandatory item, IMO. If the College Housing office provides shades or some other window covering for security, then the curtains become a ‘nice-to-have’ but only if you can/wish to afford it.</p>
<p>$100 seems very small to me. Are there no grandparents or relatives that could chip in a few bucks to get the kid off to a good start at college? Meet them halfway at $250. Maybe somebody has a TV they could contribute. When everyone got flatscreens lots of good regular TVs ended up in basements.</p>
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<p>It may be temporary, but your daughter will be spending at least as many days in her college room (and most likely more) as she will be in her room at home, so why not make it look like home? It is home for the school year, even if it is temporary.</p>
<p>I had a roommate from a well to do family one year. Her mother visited frequently and always bought something pricey for the apartment. She could not stand our nasty mustard colored sculptured gold rug in our living room and ordered us a new one. But it was understood that if she wanted to do these things, it was up to her to pay for them. I could not afford half of those costs and I was not about to walk around the danged rug.</p>
<p>It looks like your D is in a suite with girls who have the money to pay for these things and are naive enough that they assume everyone at college is in that situation. Your D and you are naive enough that you assumed that this sort of thing would not happen. When you go into a living situation, you need to know if you can afford it. If you cannot, you go into one that you can afford. Your D needs to tell the suitemates her financial situation, If it looks like it is going to cause issues during the year that she feels she cannot endure, she needs to find other living quarters. I’ve known too many kids who have endured, or worse did not endure, living with roommates who disliked them. There are enough stresses at school that the room should be a safe haven of sorts. If the girls are mean and snarky enough that they don’t want her sitting on the sofa they purchased, walking on the carpet or even glancing at the tv because she could pay her share of those things, then she should not live there for her own mental health. She needs to ask those girls if contributing what she can afford is going to cause hard feelings and those sort of limitation and if she feels that those feelings are in the air, she needs to rethink her living arrangements. Maybe she will choose to tough it out. Maybe she’ll decide it isn’t worth the stress.</p>
<p>My friend whose D went to Santa Clara, which is cross country from here, started having so much roommate trouble that my friend decided to fly over there and see what the problems. They were severe enough that she moved her daughter out at great expense because there were just too many risks with the issues at hand. There were three girls and the other girls stayed in the place. Neither returned the next year. Sometimes mental stress can cause the most anguish at college. These kids are in a more fragile situation than many of us realize.</p>
<p>cpt, but the only reason she “can’t afford” this living situation is because of a roomie’s champagne (in OP’s opinion) taste. The OP’s dd is perfectly happy with the arrangement with a butterfly chair and a fridge. Who’s to say the other girl is “right”? Simply a difference of opinion. No one has suggested that the “rich” girl go find another room where she can live amid opulence. ;)</p>
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The other girl will think she is right if someone doesn’t set her straight.</p>
<p>I disagree that the OP’s daughter should find alternate living arrangements if she can’t afford to buy what the other roommates want. As someone else pointed out, at some schools, all freshmen live in suites with a common room. There are no other options. It sounds like it is only one roomie who has proposed a list of things they should share. It seems that this roommate is being a bit presumptious and maybe needs to be reigned in a little. For example, a scale is something that someone should buy if she wants and keep it in her room. Ditto with coffeemaker. Some schools may not even allow coffemakers so check on that. My S lived in a suite and it never occurred to me that the suite mates would share the costs of items like coffee makers, etc.
It seems like the common room should only need basics such as seating, a table, and some type of lighting. Everything else is nice, but extras. If the OP’s daughter is on a budget and absolutely can’t spend more than $100, so be it and can’t bring anything from home because of distance, then so be it. The other roommates need to respect each other’s budgetary limitations. As long as the OP’s daughter doesn’t show up on move in day driving a rolls royce and wearing jimmy choo shoes, I think the roommates will respect her previously stated limitations.</p>
<p>It’s not up to any of us to decide if TVs, curtains, rugs, etc are important to four people living in a suite. It’s their call. </p>
<p>The most important goal is for Southmoon’s daughter to have a great year with her roommates. </p>
<p>Southmoon: Are you drawing a line in the sand on how much you’ll give based on true financial hardship, or based on your judgment? If you gave your daughter the flexibility of spending an extra $100 (beyond your original amount), and told her to use her discretion if she felt she needed it to, don’t you believe in her to make the right judgment call?</p>
<p>I went through this when I was in college, but not to this extent. I already lived for a year with one roommate. This roommate and I were friends first. We decided to move into an apartment as upperclassmen (off campus, but near the school). My parents were fine with all of that. My roommate wanted to buy curtains (we already had blinds on all windows) and other decorations. My mother went into a big lecture about how we are not “seting up a house” and how this is a temporary situation, etc. In fact, my mother STILL brings up this story from time to time. It all worked out, but I only had one roommate to deal with and we were very good friends already. We ended up buying a few things at second hand shops and bringing things from our parents’ homes (things that they were no longer using). Just to add, don’t make the assumption that my roommate came from a wealthier family, because she did not. Our family was much more comfortable financially and part of the reason is that my parents never parted with a nickel that they did not need to part with. The other family was just financially more generous with their kids and was much loser with their money.</p>
<p>My D is heading to a shared suite her first year at our state flagship. Even though we are instate, tuition will still be a stretch for our family. Now the suitemates haven’t yet brought up anything about the common room (I think most fridges, etc will go in the invdividual singles) and the school does provide a couch and some chairs I think - we’ll see when we get there. I am happy to help as needed but won’t be able to do much up front as just outfitting my D’s room with the basics will use up our current budget. If a sticky situation comes up we’ll deal with it as it happens but I expect most items can be provided along the way or brought from home. I also agree on not splitting the cost of large items but each person getting one of the items. I also agree that if someone is very particular about the item they want (brand, color, price, etc) then they should agree on the cost of a basic version of the item, split that, and the one that wants the upgrade should pay for the additional costs. Again though only if not-sharing the costs of individual items can be avoided.</p>
<p>I do love the line from the article: “I applied for two scholarships to Oxford, an institution I regarded much as I’d once regarded Princetonas a sociocultural VIP room that happened to hold classes in the back.” Isn’t that CC in a nutshell? LOL.</p>
<p>I would just add that the girl who sent the list may not necessarily be suggesting that they should all share the cost of all these things–she may just be listing things that they may want to share in the sense of having in the common area. For example, if one girl is bringing a coffeemaker, nobody else needs to. Same for a scale and some of the other stuff. So the OP’s D could respond that she has a limited cash budget, but maybe she could bring something they can share (a teapot, maybe). She can also suggest that they all go together to Goodwill before going to Ikea. (Although I would note that there is some extremely cheap stuff at Ikea that’s fine for a dorm room.)</p>
<p>The other girl is not right. She is dead wrong. I said she was naive to assume that her suitemates would want to furnish/decorate the common room the way she is thinking and could even afford to do so. There are kids at college with EFCs of zero there just because of financial aid, and there is no way such kids can cough up the money to furnish a common room. So the girl/s are out of line. </p>
<p>But the reality is that there are immature, unrealistic, nasty people in this world. And if the roommates are those nasty girls, it could be a rough ride for the OP’s daughter. If the D gets the impression that this is going to be a problem in that suite, it might be wise to call housing and arrange for a transfer or swap so that stress is eliminated. Having lived with a number of people in houses, apts and suites, and seen many of such situations, I can tell you that it can make life miserable to live with a bunch of roommates who do not like you and are immature and mean. I would move out. I would get my kid out in that situation. I would not want to deal with it. </p>
<p>This whole thing might be a tempest in the tea pot. When your D lets the girl/s know her limited budget, they may just say, fine, and that is it. But if it is not… you have to decide if this is an issue to tough out or opt out.</p>
<p>Hunt makes a good point. The OP should get clarification. Maybe these are things one girl plans to bring and is just letting everyone else know so they don’t duplicate purchases.</p>
<p>I think Hunt is right in that the girl probably is saying that she has a coffee pot and scale to bring for the common use. That makes perfect sense to me.</p>
<p>I also think that OP’s D is bringing a butterfly chair, which is certainly a contribution. If she is a tea drinker, the tea pot idea is lovely and probably not too expensive. </p>
<p>So girl one: I’m bringing a coffee pot and a scale.
Girl two: I’m bringing a butterfly chair and a tea pot and I can contribute $100 cash to other items including the fridge.<br>
Girl three:
Girl four:</p>
<p>Presented in the right way, the OP’s D doesn’t stand out in any negative way and they’re all being cooperative.</p>
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<p>I strongly disagree. The other three girls cannot vote 3-1 to spend my family’s money. The OP already made it clear that she wanted to say “no” to “decorations,” and was requesting suggestions on how to implement it.</p>
<p>jpm50: You just touch the core of the problem. What I want the most is that DD have a great freshman year and make great new friendships. DD is laid back, doesn’t care what the common room will look like, says that she will spend most of her time out of it ( she is into sports and love the outdoors). She also doesn’t like stressful situations and I know she will agree with her roommates to avoid conflict and I will eventually pay for it to avoid more conflict. That’s the reason I want to guide her so that she can discuss this with them calmly and convincingly.
I might be able to increase the budget a little. But fear the DD will use her job income to keep peace.</p>
<p>It’s important that each girl feels that everyone is contributing to the shared experience. I would suggest that a list of needs/wants be made and then the girls can pipe up, “I can bring a coffee pot from home” or “We’ve got an extra scale at home that I can bring.” </p>
<p>It’s cheaper to bring extra stuff from home than buying new. Someone may have a couch that Aunt Susan is looking to get rid of when she gets her new furniture.</p>
<p>To the extent that some items may need to be purchased once everyone gets to campus, I’d wait until the kids get there. There will probably be upperclassmen who are looking to get rid of stuff like rugs or couches at a cheap price as they upgrade.</p>
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<p>Exactly. </p>
<p>Perhaps your DD could tell them that she has a tight budget and perhaps she could suggest that they redo the list with needs and wants, and then see what roommates can lend/donate from home to the common room for the school year.</p>
<p>My daughter lived in a large suite her first year at Yale. Some of the girls did communicate before school started, but there weren’t a lot of decisions made because they hadn’t seen the common room yet. Most purchased a floor lamp and kicked in money for a refrigerator from the college, which was delivered on move-in day. No big plans were made- they agreed to bring a few items they had from home and see what was needed when they arrived.</p>
<pre><code>On move-in day, one of the girl’s parents moved a big couch into the common room. This girl lived relatively close to campus. The other girls didn’t know it was coming- so a pleasant surprise.
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<p>The girls used packing boxes to make end tables (covered with throws originally intended for someone’s bedroom), and used plastic crates that someone used to bring things to college for bookshelves. One girl brought in a round canvas chair that folds up. My daughter had brought her stereo, which went on top of a covered box. The floors were wood, so no rug needed. They were not on the ground floor, therefore no curtains were purchased. There were a couple extra lamps intended for bedrooms that went into the common room. The room came with a (non-working) fireplace with a mantel and some nice crown molding, so it had a bit of character, and they didn’t have or need more furniture than this. No TV. In fact, the stereo came home on parent’s weekend because no one was using it and it wasn’t needed. The kids use their computers for their movies and music. The only thing the girls shopped for were posters for the walls, which they did together later in the week. </p>
<p>We looked in other common rooms during move-in, and there were all sorts of configurations. Some had chairs, some had a futon and pillows, but they all looked like a hodgepodge of whatever happened to be available. No one had “coordinated” rooms or
high-end anything. Make-shift and used furniture was the norm.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s because our experience was positive, I don’t think the kids care that much about everything being just so, or just like home. I don’t think you’ll find the common room decor a big stressor. The kids put a lot more energy into their own dorm rooms, their bedding, their own books and desks, than they do the common area.
They are also trying to make new friends and be as cordial as they can. I don’t remember any stress over this issue at all, and my kid is sensitive to that kind of stress. I think the OP will be pleasantly surprised with what a non-issue this will turn out to be.</p>