<p>Have been through a similar situation. Last year D2 lived in a furnished on-campus apartment with 3 other roomies. 3 of the girls brought common room items…extra chairs, table, extra dishes, cookware, etc. Ha…2 of the girls actually did share a scale! 
There were already two chairs, couch and end tables, fridge, microwave provided. D2 brought the TV(which was watched all of the time!) and Wii, drying rack for hand washables, bathroom rugs, and shower curtain. Another brought a vacuum and a broom, etc. One of the girls contributed nothing. At first it was ok with the other three but resentment did rear its ugly head with some of the girls when the non-contributer wanted to use items and then didn’t wash them or take care of them as the year progressed. Things that we, as adults, would let slide but college girls living in tight quarters eventually went crazy over. It is a tough and tricky situation. Funny that you mention a coffee pot. My D2 brought a CocoaMotion machine that makes hot choc/cappuccinos. The other girls loved it! D2 gladly shared the use but only one wouldn’t buy mix when it was out or wash it after she used it. Living together is a dance that they each have to learn the steps to. I bet your D will find her way but she should not be surprised if the other roomies aren’t happy with her not contributing in some way.</p>
<p>Prefect, I don’t think the OP’s D should move either. But “should” is one thing, and reality is another. If the situation is going to be stress and problematic, then it is better to get out of there. Room mate problems can really ruin the year for kids and be the tipping point for just getting fed up. You need a sanctuary in your room. </p>
<p>Again, this might be a non issue. I’m looking at it as the worst scenario. The girl making all of these plans, might just say, ok, and change direction and plans, or take what the OP’s D brings and work around that without a murmur.</p>
<p>We had a problem one year when three out of five kids in an apartment wanted to hire a cleaning person for the apt. Two of us did not. We could not afford it. The matter was dropped and that was it. But I have seen these things spiral into issues that can ruin a kid’s year at school. It’s also dependent on the nature of the OP’s D. Some kids can take roommate issues, others can not.</p>
<p>My son lives in a two BR turned into a 3 BR by adding doors to the LR. Which means a large foyer is used as a very small LR. One of the roommates moved a big fat sofa into that space which crowds it to the point that there is little room left. Her grandmother bought the thing for her so she doesn’t want to get rid of it, and there isn’t anyplace to stash it. It is a minor irritation, but an issue. They’ve now made the rule that they don’t want any furniture in the common areas without a discussion first. These things happen all of the time in living situations. It’s a matter of how everyone can resolve them. (I’m eyeing that sofa for my family room, heh, heh)</p>
<p>Maybe your daughter can respond with something like, “I can contribute $100 to furnishings. Let’s hit the secondhand stores when we arrive at [college town] and check out Craigslist, buying new furniture is too expensive. I saw a couch for $XX on Craigslist.”</p>
<p>If someone then insists that they NEED new items from Ikea or wherever, let them pay for it themselves. They’re furnishing a dorm room, not a hotel lobby; no need for color coordination and sparkling new furniture.</p>
<p>The other way to approach the situation is to say, that she can put $100 and certain items towards the common room with the money being a usage cost for what everyone gets and will take home at the end of the year.</p>
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<p>All year long the daughter’s friends will be making suggestions that involving spending your family’s money. “Let’s go out for pizza. Let’s take the T to Boston Saturday night, or head to a concert.” The OP’s case, with common room decorating, is only another variation. </p>
<p>Isn’t it best for the student to learn how to best manage those situations for him/herself?</p>
<p>^^^ Yes, exactly! Peer pressure to go off budget! How many times have we all gone for pizza and beer when we really shouldn’t have! ;)</p>
<p>To the OP:</p>
<p>The young lady who sent “the list” is making a pretty classic alpha dog move. She has essentially “assumed command” of the living quarters. I don’t mean to suggest that she’s an awful person, but she has staked out the territory of the room and clearly expects everyone to “play along.” </p>
<p>In my humble opinion, what is needed here is pleasant but firm assertiveness. Your daughter should simply say, “I’m willing to pitch in $_____, and I’m bringing a chair of my own to contribute. Beyond that, I’m sure I’ll love whatever you girls come up with!” In this way, she has signaled that 1) she has a firm amount she is willing to spend; and 2) she fully intends to use the space, no matter what kinds of “decorations” the other girls invest in. </p>
<p>I don’t think she has to plead poverty, nor does she have to use you as “the bad guy.” She simply has to meet her future roommate’s “terms” with terms of her own, in an equally firm and assertive way. This could just be the beginning of some unpleasant territorial behavior, so it’s best that your daughter let her roommate know – very pleasantly – that she isn’t willing to play. Alpha dogs usually back off when they meet up with an equally assertive opponent. Remember, they’re looking for the weak ones :)</p>
<p>In suites where there is no “alpha dog” who takes some initiative, the kids are sitting on cardboard boxes looking at blank walls.</p>
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It could also be that this roommate is a planner, or her parents encouraged her to figure out what they needed to buy before landing at school. Not knowing the tone, I’d assume that the list is a starting point for planning and not an edict.</p>
<p>To restate my earlier opinion, I agree with archiemom. Before getting all worked up or taking an entrenched position, treat this as the beginning of a conversation about planning. It will be good practice for the years ahead.</p>
<p>There may be no problem whatsoever here. The suitemate has some ideas and is just looking for some support and seeing what she gets. If that’s the case, and it probably is, all well in good. You tell the suitemate what you can contribute in dollar amount and materials, and that is it.</p>
<p>If by chance, remote as it may be, that these are nasty girls involved, there could be problems. Some kids have no problem dealing with those problems. However, bad roommate situations can be a tipping point for kids who are fragile. It isn’t that simple telling a kid to be firm and how to deal with a bully. If it were, bullying and nasty girls would not be the problems they are. Sometimes there is no good solution and we have to look for the least harmful direction to go. </p>
<p>I’ve known many, many kids given excellent valid advice on how to handle certain situations. They followed the advice and got kicked in the face, because the reaction was not what it was predicted to be. And then they did not know what to do and got stomped to the ground. That is the worst possible consequence, and I do address that because if the problem is solvable or there is no problem, all well and good. But if it is a bad situation, one does have to act, and this is when parental help can be crucial. Yeah, maybe the kid can take care of it himself, but maybe he doesn’t do such a great job. Maybe he does a disasterous job. Oh, well, he’ll learn from the experience. Maybe and maybe not. My experience with young adults have been that they are on the brink of insanity during these years and often in precarious situations as a result. Yes, they usually come out of it and become the great self sufficient adults we raised, but during this period of time when they are trying to do it themselves, they may need some help or the experience can be downright rotten. It’s a delicate balance sometimes as to when and whether a parent should get involved. But it makes the decision more sure, if you are alert for potential situations and ready to step in if they take a bad turn.</p>
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<p>The point I think of other’s responses is that the OP is looking for advice on how to react to the * initial * email from her D’s roomie. We have not (yet) been told how D’s roomie has responded to an email saying “Hey, I appreciate the fact that we need something in the common room, but I’m on a budget and can only spend about $100 including my share of the frig. I will be bringing a butterfly chair for the common room though.”</p>
<p>If roomie’s repsonse is gracious: “Hey I always liked butterfly chairs and thanks for telling me your budget” that’s one thing.</p>
<p>But if roomie’s response is not: “Try to beg your parents 'cause there’s no way we can furnish the dorm room if you won’t kick in $400 like the rest of us” that’s something else.</p>
<p>OP: Has your D emailed the roomie yet? Gotten a response?</p>
<p>A) I wanted to second someone comments to be VERY wary of buying used couches off of craiglist and the like. Among other things, bedbugs are having a resurgence in some areas of the country, and that would be a very, very bad thing for your D and her roomies to have to deal with.</p>
<p>B) Anyway, as a recent grad, I agree that your D should polity respond, “Hey, this is my budget [she can blame it on mom if she wants…people generally understand money limitations, and certainly understand parental ones!]. I was going to bring a butterfly chair, and can also contribute X more money.”</p>
<p>While it’s possible that the person who originally sent the list will be mean/Alpha Dog about it, I find it more likely that the original emailer was just trying to get a conversation started. In my experience, while some college students can be thoughtless in their assumptions about how much money other people will have, they also tend to be very understanding and even embarrassed once they realized they’ve gaffed. If, indeed, it was a gaff – it’s also possible the original email was meant to be a “here are some things I’d like to have – what do you think? Does anyone already have these things?”</p>
<p>Once they hear the OP’S D’S budget, the other roommates can each decide for themselves if they are happy sticking to a similar one. Maybe they will all pool together $100 a piece. Or maybe some of them will be happy to pay more for extras that they want and still share.</p>
<p>Been there, done that.</p>
<p>First, 4 chairs are not better than a sofa. Reality is that your D may end up sleeping in the common room. It’s a lot easier to sleep on a couch than 4 chairs. One of the benefits of a common rule IRL is that if you get “sexiled” you’ve got somewhere to sleep.(And unless it’s Notre Dame or BYU, if you think at least one of the 4 girls won’t be “sexiled” at least once during the year, you don’t live in the real world.) </p>
<p>It’s also nice to be able to put up a visiting friend. Some kids are REQUIRED to put people up because of ECs–both my kid and roomie fell in that camp. (For example, if anyone is a varsity athlete, it’s a virtually certainty that (s)he will be required to put up a few recruits during the year. )</p>
<p>It’s a while back now, but this didn’t happen to us 'til move in weekend. Parents were there and two of the dads almost came to blows. Parents left. Kids worked it out within half an hour with no ill feelings. </p>
<p>There are several parts to this equation, though. One is that it DOES usually work best if one person buys an item rather than splitting the cost of everything. Kids quickly figure out who does/doesn’t have $ and allocate items appropriately. Our “poorest” kid rented the fridge. That was her contribution. </p>
<p>The next is to let people spend $ on what they want to have in the room and just accept the “gift.” In my kid’s case, one set of parents bought a futon and frame. I had packed a toolkit–$10 from K-Mart. Putting the frame together with the one screwdriver provided proved difficult. The dad was SO frustrated. My kid whipped out the toolkit and helped put it together. At that moment, that screwdriver and my kid’s willingness to help put it together–kid’s great at assembling furniture–was worth far more to him than half the price of the futon. But the other dad was getting really angry because he thought a new futon and frame were “ridiculous”–and said so. He didn’t want his kid to “mooch,” so his idea of “fairness” was that the room would be very sparsely furnished because that’s all he could afford. </p>
<p>I honestly thought “rich” dad had it right. His kid was a varsity athlete and he knew that meant hosting recruits. So he sprung for the “bed.” He didn’t ask anyone to contribute to it. </p>
<p>The two kids in the middle financially contributed more than the cost of renting a fridge and less than the cost of a new futon and frame. One got a rug. One got a coffee table and end table–used. </p>
<p>It may be unfair for the first girl to “dictate” what the room “needs”–it that’s what she’s doing. It’s equally unfair for one girl to try to dictate what the others get. </p>
<p>One of the things about college is that they teach you how to live with folks who have less/more than you do. It’s kind of funny, but true that my kid’s experience suggests it’s the less affluent parents who are the biggest pains about this. It’s certainly wrong for the wealthier kids to be oblivious to the fact that not everyone can sepnd $ as freely as they can. However, IMO, it’s equally wrong to think that kids who have less $ should expect everyone else around them to live on as little money as they do.</p>
<p>I’m unclear from the OP’s message whether this family really doesn’t have the $ or she just thinks that the list is inappropriate. If $ is tight, it’s not a problem. If your D shows up with Kate Spade purses and a Movado watch, expect trouble.</p>
<p>And maybe this has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the alleged “alpha girl” just wanting to kick off the conversation so that every parent doesn’t end up shlepping a microwave, area rug, old end table, etc. My kids have lived in every conceivable configuration of college living and I’ve observed the following:</p>
<p>Don’t assume that everyone knows that you are sensitive about money.
Don’t assume that a perfect stranger is trying to insult you or make you feel bad.
Sometimes the response to an email like the one your D got is, “Hey, I’m bringing a butterfly chair, a case of diet snapple for the fridge, and a batch of home-made brownies for move in day. If anyone is allergic to nuts let me know.”</p>
<p>I know kids with nothing who have successfully roomed with kids whose parents have multiple homes and household staffs. In some of those cases, the kids with less made terrible roommates- they didn’t clean up after themselves, they helped themselves to shampoo, snacks, etc. without ever replacing or asking first, they had no boundaries. This isn’t about money- it’s about courtesy.</p>
<p>So when another roommate emails back about the common/shared expenses, all your D needs to do is respond politely and cheerfully. And if you can’t afford a sofa or a rug or a table lamp, all you need to do is to email that your D will bring a hammer and an electric drill and will happily teach the other girls how to hang a mirror or install a power strip or whatever her skills happen to be.</p>
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Good point. I hadn’t thought of that.</p>
<p>My D and her roommate talked and made some decisions. My D is bringing the fridge because she wanted a freezer. We aren’t rich, but her dad has been saving his change for her dorm room for three entire years and he has said she can have whatever she wants. She didn’t dictate, but she did ask the roommate if she would mind. The roommate said she didn’t mind, would bring the microwave and that her mom was known for sending home-baked cookies regularly to her Ds and roommates. So it’s all good.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading all the replies and appreciate every ones input. I know many of you are sharing your experience and that’s what makes CC a great place. I believe the girls that sent the list was just taking the first step. The list was quite long, 53 items for the common room. My goal is to empower my DD to be proactive when the matter is not important to her but affects/will affect her. Money is the second issue. DS1 is a senior in college (never had a common room), DS2 is a senior in HS. I’m don’t always do things equal to all three but I always try to be fair. I need to set a budget for DD, not because she spends too much but because she wants to do things that make others happy. </p>
<p>I’m happy to report that DD email the girls: "I’m glad you found the time to put such a great list together … I talked to my parents and they told me I can spend $100 furnishing the common room (we remove the fridge from the budget, total $130) … I’ll bring a butterfly chair and a microwave (I hope the airline let us check it in) … I try to avoid scale, seems like every time I look at one I gain a couple of pounds… I love tea and maybe we can have some tea party …The email was funny and lighthearted.
The international roommate replied that she enjoy reading the list but thinks they should get only a few of the items until they know they will need the others. She didn’t mention her budget. Haven’t heard from the other two yet.</p>
<p>I’m proud of my DD… I didn’t have to nag at her. She said she doesn’t want us struggling to pay for DS2 college next year. And I cried.</p>
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You should be proud. She sounds like a wonderful young woman!</p>
<p>I am glad it worked out well. </p>
<p>Don’t assume the worst about the “alpha” girl. Who knows? It could be her mom who made her write the email :)</p>