I am not sure where and whether to post this but feel it’s an important cautionary tale. H’s relative’s family has a lot of issues. The dad is a single parent because his alcoholic wife died from bad interaction of drugs and alcohol.
The two young adult kids are 29 and 31. They do NOT have much affection for one another and haven’t been together much over the past decade (we have seen one OR the other but only rarely ever do they attend the same events together). The older one is getting married this summer and she and the dad are trying to decide WHETHER to invite her only sibling (brother) to the wedding!
The family dynamic is very strained and different from ours and I told H to please talk with the dad about helping the young adults figure out how to mend fences now because they only have each other.
Part of the resentment is that brother has made a bunch of poor choices and had a lot of personal challenges. Part of it is that the kids have been treated differently for reasons related to personality and convenience. Part of it is that each resents the different treatment—sis feels she carried a heavier load while brother feels she got a lot more of the benefits.
I have no idea where one would begin to heal the hurts that have built over the years, but really hope the dad’s therapist can help the dad try because I don’t see either of the young adults making the attempt. (The dad likes to just avoid unpleasantness whenever possible, kicking the can down the road.)
I’m suspecting any eventual division of dad’s assets will be seen as “unfair” no matter what dad does because of all these underlying dynamics.
I’m not convinced that siblings need to mend their broken relationships. My brother and I were estranged years ago, and have only spoken once or twice in the past 22 years. We don’t have any animosity now, but we don’t really have a relationship either and haven’t seen each other since 1995. S was curious about having an uncle on my side, and has had email contact with B. Personally, I have no real interest.
@sylvan8798 that’s sort of what’s happening with my DH and his sister. There’s a strong part of me that thinks there should be a reconciliation, but DH says he’s happier without her in his life and maybe he’s right. I hold out some hope that my kids as adults will develop some sort of relationship with their cousins, but at the moment that seems like wishful thinking on my part. Over winter break I tried to encourage my older D (age 21) to reach out to her cousins (ages 20 and 18) to just get together for coffee, but she wasn’t interested. I have to say that on his side of the family there are lots of these stories of family estrangement and people not speaking to each other.
I don’t care that my mother spends her money unevenly between children, grandchild and great grandchild she been open with the fact that she’s been paying my sister mortgage the last few months and has been paying a great grandchild’s private school tuition for years. She likes to help, it’s just in her nature my issue is that she is on a fix income and her expenses are increasing as she ages and I doubt those family members she’s been helping will help her when her money runs out.
It sounds like it’s too late…but you should read the book “Saving the Family Cottage” which gives many alternate ways beside a trust to deal with this!
@ucbalumnus this is what my inlaws have told us they plan to do, I’m ok with it but OTOH, they have two married children both each with three kids so it would be easy to divide things up. I’d kind of like to see the estate go to the six grand children. The comment was made when the grandkids were babies and it was unclear how many there would ultimately be. Now that the grandkids are all highschool/college age maybe they will rethink things? I’d really rather see all the grandkids get a down payment on a starter home then FIL and MIL name on a plaque. If not, no worries it’s their money to do with as they please.
I know the young adults don’t HAVE to mend their relationship, but I think it would make the dad much happier if they did. They both have a relationship with him but not with one another.
I guess I’m projecting as I know it would break my heart if my kids were estranged. Ultimately, I have no idea if there is any interest in them mending anyway.
@thumper1 Yes I agree that Saving the Family Cottage is a great book. We still don’t know what’s going on with ours. My mother passed away before my aunt’s plan could go through. It’s been in a holding pattern for the last year. What I would like to do would give my aunt a heart attack. She wants us to keep it for the next 20 years and then give it all to a conservation trust. Basically - as soon as our kids have kids it would be gone.
I am the oldest of three. None of us was very successful financially but my situation was the most stable (and I am the most conservative spender). My dad’s first will divided his estate evenly among the three of us. Then he took one brother’s portion and divided it among him, his wife, and his three children. Then he wrote one son off and divided his share between me and the other brother (whose share was divided). The will allocated his money in portions to three decimal points.
When my dad passed, there was a huge amount of resentment. My brother with the wife and three kids, and I, single with one, each promised my out-of-the-will brother a third of the divided brother’s share. Then the brother with the wife and kids died without a will and with a huge Small Business Loan in default, leaving his wife and kids with not so much, since his inheritance from my dad was his only asset. The brother who was written out wanted my sister-in-law and nieces to hand over their inheritance to fulfill their dead dad’s promise but so far they have ignored him.
All this made me glad that I am single with one kid.
I’ve been reading this thread but haven’t had to time until now to post. It’s clear just reading through these personal stories that parents can really hinder siblings relationships and sometimes resentment happens no matter what the intentions truly are. Communication is so important. My parents were young and hard working and I feel that what they did for me and my brother was fair but not necessarily equal. I’ve done the same for mine. How could it be equal with different needs? I have one launched and when we visit we pay for a lot but not everything. If we invited him and his GF on a trip we would pay. I do more for his sister because she is in school. She may require a little help after graduation and I’ve told her I will provide for that because I know she is hard working. My S did not need that assistance. Two different career opportunities. I’m very blessed that the man I’m dating and I have similar philosophies. We want to be able to help when needed. Never is the intention to provide continual financial support.
I witnessed my ex-H’s mother create issues among her 4 children. None were close. It was difficult to watch and after knowing her for 25+ years I understood where in her childhood she learned to behave that way. My family’s dynamic although NOT perfect and full of issues was always supportive and loving and not full of envy.
Money would seem to complicate every issue unless it is handled well. I expect nothing from my parents when they are gone. They have helped me when I have needed it and I will help them as they age and are in need.
My brother is one of my closest and dearest friends. I will always be most thankful for this relationship. It’s been a good model for my two.