I’m one of four siblings. My parents had two right out of the gates, when they were 20. Then another when they were 28. Then, oops, one more when they were 33.
The first two siblings were not raised in the same circumstances as the last two siblings.
Both of my brothers are what I’d call scorekeepers. Mom & Dad did this for you, but not for me. So & so got that paid for, but so & so didn’t.
I figure my parents did the best they could, at that moment in time, with what they had, which wasn’t much.
I’m not sure why I don’t see it like my brothers do. I wonder if they’d accuse me of being a favorite or having had it easy. It’s a curious thing.
My son and I have the same birthday (31 years apart). It was an extremely difficult day for his younger sister when she was little because to her, it felt like a Christmas that she wasn’t part of. She didn’t really notice that her father didn’t get gifts, either (although we made an effort to point this out). She just saw that there were lots of packages for other people and none for her.
I never thought of getting her a gift of her own, though. I’m not that nice a person.
My son, though, noticed a fundamental unfairness to the situation. On our joint birthday, the family would only get one birthday cake because, well, how much cake can people eat? He believed that he and his sister were being deprived of one birthday cake a year since there were only three cakes per year for a family of four. So for years, we would buy a birthday-type cake to celebrate an additional special day – the last day of school.
Somehow we were never so much about “things” and thankfully neither are our kids. They and we do have clothing that keeps us warm and is stylish and fits us.
Our kids are both born in the same month, 5 days apart. Except for their 1st birthdays (which in HI is a big deal) we often had a joint extended family bday party for them, which just made things easier for me.
I don’t know how some folks end up scorekeeping and others don’t. We gave not kept score. I know my folks helped us all graduate from college and grad school (except one of my sibs opted to stop after her BA). They paid off any loans we had after grad school. I
I’ve never wanted or tried to keep track. Our D doesn’t have much $$, so I tend to buy her more because she needs more. S buys himself whatever he needs it fancies (he’s very picky) so he doesn’t seem to care at all what D gets.
I agree with those that think Grandma should have considered the grandchildren and the possible rifts in the family. Unless there are some major circumstances in which the two surviving siblings really need the money, it will end up going to their children and none to the cousins who lost their own parents at a younger age. The brother did not leave the bulk of his estate to his surviving siblings (and was not that much of a spendthrift if he had so much money saved) so not clear that he wanted all the money to go to them.
As for leaving the house to one sibling vs having helped the others over the years, fairness would seem to be to subtract the amount given from the equity in the house and then split any leftovers. If the parents gave each brother $100K and the house is worth over a million, the sister is certainly getting a much bigger piece of the pie. That may well cause a future rift, especially if the brothers paid back some of the money.
There was a time that I really worried how this would go with my parents and siblings. As my parents have aged, my siblings and I have managed to grow closer and rally around how to best care for my parents, and I hope that will extend to disposing of their stuff. My older sister always has resented me, and at times I have felt like just not even pretending to have a relationship with her, but, thankfully, my dh persuaded me to keep trying while expecting nothing. I am thankful for that advice, because I can’t imagine trying to care for them if there still was all the raw emotion that surrounded most of our years. And my brother really has stepped up in ways I would have never dreamed. Once my parents are gone, I think things still could be dicey, but for now we’ve reached a comfortable place for all.
I agree about the house, mainly because leaving a house to someone really ties it up and makes too many assumptions about it’s worth. What if you live to be 105 and need to sell the house for money to live off of? What if you need to go on Medicaid and enter a nursing home? What if the house appreciates greatly? Gets struck by lightning or depreciates for some other reason? It’s just too risky a way to try to make things fair. If you need to even things up for some reason, do it while you’re alive (if you can) and then don’t worry about it.
Beyond the Grave focuses on equalizing and generally suggests buying life insurance. As folks get older, life insurance policies get extremely expensive, if the person is even insurable.
Giving one kid a valuable of real estate and little to the others seems a good way to create long term resentment for inequality, imho, even if the others were “helped” financially at other points. Selling real estate can involve capital gains that can be avoided if one waits until the elders die (but that can be a long time).
There aren’t quick and easy cookie-cutter answers to all situations, in my experience.
Since I am the one that told the story about my parents leaving the house to me I will address what I can. If they need to sell their home because they need money then there will not be anything left which doesn’t bother me at all. I have told my parents that they do not need to leave the house to me, but I have not been able to change their minds. I have even asked why they don’t give me half and split the other half between my brothers, but they don’t want to do that either. That is one of the reasons why I insisted that they speak to both of my brothers about the will so this was all out in the open.
My husband received the family house when his mother passed away just a few years ago. It was a home that his father had built, but needed major repairs that would have cost more than $250K. My H sold the home and we paid the capital gains taxes on it. During the last 10 years of my MIL’s life the house was rented out and the money was used for the beautiful assisted living home then nursing home she was in. We were very fortunate that the rent from the house covered all these costs for my MIL. My H’s only sister had received the house she still lives in and a vacation home in another country from their parents years before… Many people asked after my MIL passed why H got the home and his sister didn’t get anything. In this case people did not know what my IL’s had done previously for my SIL.
I try to keep it equal between my two kids. DD’s school was $20k/year more expensive than DS’s, and she took longer to finish, but he has had some expensive fender benders and other expenses.
I have one friend who makes good money and so does her DH, but it annoys her no end that his parents shower big time $ (like buying a $800k coop) on his sister who has a career in the arts and doesn’t have a pot to piss in. She feels like he’s punished because he’s self sufficient.
@Midwest67 , I’m one of the older bunch, and there is a much younger sibling, who got all kinds of stuff we never got. Because my parents were older, richer, and tired of sweating the small stuff by then. We joke about it, but really no one cares. The youngest did not get the benefit of growing up as part of the “pack”, so there were pluses and minuses. We all coordinate closely to care for our Mom, who cared for us all.
Our parents did work hard to make things fair, and told us that was their intention and why they did certain things. Both had had some favoritism in their own families.
We try to keep things fair, and I’m pretty open about that with the kids. We try to visit each about as often as the other, make gifts even, etc. One thought maybe the other had been short-changed at Christmas, until he looked up the price of the big item the other got.
Lots of talk here about helping with houses. Until my generation, no one ever had any money to do any such thing, and I’m not sure how we will approach it. Probably watch where the kids go and listen to what they want and figure something out on the fly that can be done “fairly.”
My grandparents kept things equal between my dad and his only sibling, and their will divided their estate in half. My dad died before his mother and when my grandmother was well into her 90s with dementia, my aunt took her to a lawyer and changed the will so that she got most of the estate. We found out about this after the fact and a lawyer advised it would be very hard to contest it and not worth the money.
@greenwitch You say you couldn’t imagine favoring one kid over another. But it is often perception of the kids that doesn’t match that of parents who think they were equitable. My kids have both claimed at one time or another that they think the other is my favorite. Sigh. They are very different, and amazing in their own ways. I try to communicate that, but jealousy is a real thing among sibs. Squinting to see who got the bigger piece of cake doesn’t always stop once they are adults.
As a youngster, I used to love how The Smothers Brothers could end up taking any discussion and inevitably turn it into an argument and throw in the completely unrelated line “Well, Mom always liked you best!”
It bothers me now that younger sis, and especially her children, are taking advantage of Mom/Grandma. I could accept it easier if Mom wouldn’t pretend that it isn’t happening, if she said she is helping them more because she simply wants to.
^We’ve had the same experience with D claiming we favored S, @intparent. Not so much about money, but in general. Some of the claims seemed so irrelevant to me, and it’s hard to say now that we should have known not to do or say X or Y. We did the best we could. I keep telling myself that. They won’t be perfect parents either.
One of my kids is adopted, and it is extremely important to her that things always be equal --to the penny. They received the exact same Christmas and birthday presents for years because she couldn’t deal with it if they weren’t the same. When my daughter was about 8, she asked if Santa could bring clothes for a gift, and I said yes, but I doubted her sister would ask for clothes so the gifts would be different. She thought about it for about 3 days and decided she did want clothes. We then switched to ‘different but equal.’ One would get a gameboy, the other a camera, etc. They each played a sport and the costs were not the same but I’m not sure they figured that out. One sport each.
College did not cost the same. One had more scholarships than the other.
For inheritance, they are listed as 50/50 on all accounts, policies, etc., even though one (the adopted one) will do much better financially in life. She would be devastated if she inherits one cent less than her sister. She could very well give her half to her sister, but needs that decision to be hers and not because I thought she needed less.
My parents have a second home that has been in the family about 90 years. None of us live within 100 miles, and so they convened a family meeting of us and adult grandchildren, and we talked about what made sense. The grandchildren were adamant that they not lose the property; my dad was concerned that having 20 people co-own was unwieldy. Mom worried that it would be a burden. So, we chose to put the property in trust, with the three oldest in charge of the trust. And we actually swore on a Bible to my mother that if any of us had a disaster befall us, we would sell the property and split the proceeds per stirpes. We refer to this as “the stirpes huddle” and Mom has a photo of all of us crammed around the Bible, as in a huddle
My brother and I each separately told my mother to spend her money on her own needs, not to worry about us. (Amazing, as he was always playing poor.)
But on the subject of the parents thinking their ideas are fair, and the kids not feeling the same, she wanted to give me all her funiture and belongings and all the cash or similar assets to him. After all, she said, her things were more valuable. Not. And though she treasured that old furniture or clothes, I did not.
I kept a few things that mattered, but gave him free reign to choose. As I said, we split the money.
But OP asked about the present. Would you pay for one’s hotel room and not the other’s, because one earns less? Obviously, first it matters what the parent(s) can afford. Assuming they can easily pay for the rooms, why not pay for all? In this case, the trip is presumably pleasure to all. Is it “unfair” to the poorer sibling that the other also gets a free room? I think not.
But I do think the poorer one needs to adjust her expectations to the fact that her choices (or circumstances) don’t allow the same discretionary or free will spending as the one who can afford more. If one sis gets that expensive handbag, the lower earning one may have to wait until her own finances allow. Nor do I think the better paid sibling “owes” it to buy the other a gift equal to what she bought herself.
