My (divorced) parents don’t know or care about earnings discrepancies between me and my brother and would never ask. They just say we love you equally and our wills split everything right down the middle. If you guys want to redistribute after we’re gone, totally up to you. Neither one has gifted or helped me and DH or my brother and SIL financially in any way while living. We only have one child, so this thread doesn’t apply to us.
DH’s parents are a whole ‘nother ball of wax. They are constantly trying to figure out how to help this one or other based on imagined/guesstimated financial circumstances which causes a lot of resentment and eye-rolling among DH’s siblings. Christmas is a nightmare (for them). They also fret about how in the world they’ll ever be able to decide how to split their assets when they die. When I suggested my parent’s philosophy, my MIL looked at me coldly and said, “That’s ridiculous.” Well, I replied, we hope you are enjoying your retirement and spend every penny on yourselves which will make this problem go away. I infuriate her.
My MIL used to drive me a little nuts the way she would give Christmas gifts down to the penny - the same for kids/kids-in-law/grandkids.
But now that I have my own adult kids, it strikes me differently. She was trying her best to do the right thing, and I admire that!
With my own parents, sometimes I wondered through the years why certain grand-kids would get help with lessons, etc., while others wouldn’t. As with my MIL, my own parents were doing their best too, to do the right thing. Equal is not always the same as fair. Situations can be unique and warrant different approaches depending on the kid.
It’s funny how my perspective has changed somewhat now that I’m the parent of adults. There is not always an easy answer. Just praying that I will do my best to do the right thing, whatever that is.
OP – we have family in this exact situation. In our case, the problem with always helping one child is that the child may never become self-supporting. The child never has to adjust their career dream/aspiration because they are able to make it with the parent’s help. What will happen with this child when you are gone? If they can’t make/manage money now, they won’t be any better when they’re older. As for one sibling (who is very successful) becoming resentful, yes, it happens, and often the parent doesn’t realize it because the responsible one doesn’t want to upset the parents and look petty. The resentment builds slowly, over time, and may be viewed as taking advantage of the parent by the other sibling.
I’ve bedn the recicpient of getting less because I was the more successful child. My kids got less, too. From their grandparents because of that. I do harbor some resentment over it because my sibling just wouldn’t work that hard, blue collar jobs were beneath him…so he goes on welfare, hand outs from church. Just on and on. Anyway, I decided my kids will be treated the same. As far as vacations, I feel that at a certain point I will be on the periphery of their lives, I suppose I am now. But it will be more so when they get married, etc. I remember when vacation days were sacred, and I sure didn’t want to vacation with my parents.
As parents now, I know I would like to continue those family vacations. I’m hoping and it seems it will be…if we want to spend time with them, We are willing to pay for airlines and hotel. Food and drinks will be on them when I feel it’s the time. If that’s a bribe, then so be it. I only have so many years left on this earth and I want to spend time like this as much as I can with my children. It’s a win-win situation.
Give equal amount for gifts. Do not “punish” the successful one by giving less. Even when you help out the lesser one, you should give thoughts to gift the other as a reward for her hard work. This also applies to inheritance. The more successful children may decide not to accept the gifts but that’s their call.
I told my mother to distribute the little jewelry she has among her grandchildren to show them that she loves all equally. Skipping one generation also removes a lot of hurt feelings about her past favoritism among the children.
When we travel or go to family events, we pay for everyone. We are able and happy to do so even though 2 of our 3 could easily pay for their own way, without question. The 3rd could, but it would be a much bigger financial hit for him. As for gifts, I’ve moved to experiences for Chanukah gifts, but do try to give close to equally among my 3. I do give my DIL a birthday gift similar to what I give my 3, but for Chanukah, they are treated as a couple, not two individuals. When gifting for estate planning purposes, for now we just gift our 3 kids, but if, at any point, all were married/long term SO in lieu of marriage, I could see gifting to the SOs as well. I think it’s such an individual and family decision based on so many factors that I would be surprised to see any consensus.
Nope, my mother just dissembled and muttered something about the estate not clearing yet. But when I talked to one of my sisters the following week, she said our mother had reimbursed her months earlier. This happened while my mother was visiting us on a plane ticket I had purchased for her.
^That must also create some tension with the siblings? While MIL/FIL have been pretty scrupulous about keeping the money equal, they have not always been so much about their praise and admiration for how their 5 kids were doing. For many years we had to hear endlessly about how well their S3 and D were doing and how they wished WE could be doing that well. And as locals, they saw us a lot more, so we got the most criticism. The S3 and his wife were held up as the go-to guide for everything from parenting to what type of dog to get simply because they were making the most money. It got really old fast.
As far as the house mortgage help are concerned there was probably a ten year span between when the first of us and the last of us bought houses. Additionally we were in parts of the country where house prices were vastly different. I don’t know what’s fair in that case, and I did not ask my parents what they did. They did sometimes give us all lump sums of money that were all the same, but I suspect there were other times when the dollar amounts weren’t the same and that was fine.
anomander that’s really crummy. I guess I would be tempted to call my parents on that. Bad enough to treat you unequally, but then to lie as well.
This is giving my flashbacks – and not in a good way – of a lecture I went to this weekend about how to care for elderly parents when siblings are involved. So much baggage we all carry.
I have 2 daughters. One is married; one is not. Eventually they will both have very comfortable incomes (med student/med resident), though they don’t right now.
For family vacations, I would pay for hotels for both (including for the spouse). I gift them the same amount of money each year. I don’t give additional $$ for the spouse since he has his own career (and makes a very decent income).
My mother used finances as a whip to get her children to do what she wanted. (And to control who they dated/married, where they lived, etc). She managed to alienate every one of us. I will never do that to my children.
In the estate planning book “Beyond the Grave”, the author told a story about parents helped one child with down payment and since the other already owned a house, decided to give him more, by the same amount, in the will. 20+ years later when the estate is distributed, the son is incensed that had they given him that amount at the same time, it could have grown disproportionately more than the face value.
I see his point. So gift same amount at the same time. What they do with the money is up to them. My sister sold a piece of property and divided the money equally between her two children. One used it for down payment while the other, who knows what he does with the money. It irritates her but a gift is a gift. You can only hope they put to good use eventually.
My parents have always gone out of their way to treat us with equal affection and attention (lots of both). They celebrate our successes and offer support when we’re struggling without favoring or overlooking anyone. Now that we have families, they are still careful to visit us equally, and do equivalent special things with all grandchildren. Maybe that’s why I feel no resentment when they help a sibling who needs it–I would not want a check.
My parents’ estate will be divided equally. I’d always be happy to help a sibling by gifting them more, but they’d never ask. I would find other ways to help so we could remain on equal terms (unless there was an emergency). Then again, my siblings are incredibly hard-working, it’s just that my family has more discretionary funds due to other factors.
I hope DH and I can figure out how to create similar good will between our kids. DH’s family is dysfunctional in many ways and basically the opposite of mine on this issue.
When my oldest D said she was getting married I offered her a set amount of money to help with the wedding. If she wants to work within that amount great. If not, she has to pay for the overage. I plan on doing the same for my youngest DD.
For things like weddings I think it is easy to keep things fair. For other things you have to pick and choose I think. Emergencies are something I would not even consider as being a quid pro quo situation. I would just do whatever. Vacations are tough in the way that the OP describes. I think with lots of notice the child that earns a little less should be able to put away something to contribute. If they cannot then maybe it can be considered their Christmas/birthday gift (with same opportunity given to the other child/ren). It’s hard to say if you cannot pay then you cannot go but I do also think that even in a situation where a child is working a lesser paying job because it is their passion there would usually be opportunity to get a part time job to help pay for something like this. I think luxuries are where we need to draw the line.
For example, this year we happened to be on vacation in Vegas when my youngest DD’s birthday came up. We bought her a plane ticket to come with us for her birthday gift and she shared our hotel room. She paid for her own excursions (ATV in the desert, bus tour etc). Since my oldest DD did not go (was not interested anyway) for her birthday I gifted her a trip to see Hamilton in March. A lot more $$ than would normally spend on birthdays but I did keep it close to equal and both got experiences they loved.
We don’t really keep track. But I know throughout the years my kids would get money in an envelope from grandma with cash. 2 grandchildren were essentially raised by her, we were out of state. We tried telling her that of course we knew she’d spend more money on those 2, they were with her all the time, we don’t need even Steven.
For us - we give them the same value for Christmas and birthdays and things tend to even out. One child went to a much more expensive college, but the way we viewed it - we were paying for the opportunity for a college education and they both chose where they wanted to go. The one who went to the expensive school chose a very inexpensive car when given the choice.
One is out in the work world, one is still in school. I check, both feel fine about everything. My oldest covers his own expenses. For a recent family wedding we paid the airfare and hotel, he gave the couple a present on his own.
To me it isn’t the dollar amount, am I treating them equally with love and attention? Does either feel the other gets it all and they get nothing? No way. If I bring a roast to my son to make for dinner I don’t send my daughter $20. Just like if she needed sneakers when she was younger I wouldn’t buy him a pair too if he didn’t need any.
After my parents passed everything was divided up equally. We also had a system of the “stuff” - we really had talked through everything. We siblings had first choice, then it went out to grandchildren, then other people.
We have always tried to be fair/equal as best we can. Older s earns more than younger s, and his wife probably earns more than younger s’s fiancee, but they are both doing fine and are independent. That said, Older s and wife have no schoolloans. Younger s’s fiancee has grad school loans.
We calculated how much we spent on older s’s wedding and associated costs (eg value of the family stones given to older s, gift, engagements party, Friday night costs, etc) and have promised to allocate the same for younger s’s wedding (which we have been giving him in portions as we go along). We ended up giving younger s and his fiancee a very generous gift this past holiday season (also for their wedding but outside of the allocated costs) but no one is keeping score.
I cant imagine. what those of you who were treated differently by your parents must feel. Ouch. While fair doesnt always mean equal, being excluded is another thing entirely. I think its fine to help one a bit more if they need to. Down the road they will probably be fine/successful financially and things will equal out. We always joke that the kids may be picking out our nursing home, so we want them both happy
Every time I see one of these threads I give thanks that none of my relatives have any money.
My wife’s family has this issue. Her sister complained that her children should get Christmas and birthday presents worth 1.5x what our kids get because they have only two kids. It just seemed so petty.
Yeah, I’m the only one who didn’t get help with a down payment for a house. But my sister didn’t go to college, so did it even out? Maybe. But it hurt at the time to not get some token help with this next big step, but, oh, well. We can’t keep holding on to this stuff. I mean, you can, but it’ll make you miserable. Or it would me.
This gets more complicated as families age. My BIL has needed “bailed out” routinely over the years and my wife would receive mystery checks in the mail as her parents were very conscious of keeping things equal. One thing my in-laws made clear was that they wanted to pay for college for their grandchildren. This is where things start to get tricky, first we have 2 kids my BIL has 3. My wife has never been “about the money” but based on the past she is starting to think about “how is this going to balance out?”
The first two conveniently went to the same school so that makes things easier however our son is in a newer, more expensive dorm so that became a sticking point for my MIL, so we pay the difference. Not a big deal but the cracks in the “all equal” are starting to show. The next two to go to college will most likely be on very different paths. The chances that they end up at the same school are remote, my son will most likely end up at a highly selective (albeit with merit aid) while his cousin will most likely go the in state directional route. This will be another quandary for my MIL to figure out as equality is her mantra. The last is what to do about the extra grandchild of my BIL? Will there be an attempt to equal things out or just “each grand kid got college”?
I (and my wife to a lesser degree) am fine with whatever, this is not about getting her fair share and the college funding is a windfall for us. This is more entertainment for me to sit back and watch how it plays out as I don’t think there is ever a right way to do it. I also am comparing this to my side of the family where there are also 2 children however my sister has no children so anything she is gifted is then split between my children; again keeping everything equal.
My folks divide things up in the will evenly like accountants. My sibs and I laugh and don’t really care, probably because we are all financially comfortable. Gifts have been pretty even, but I have kids and my sibs don’t all have kids, so the grands have received presents that are not factored into the mix. (Grands are treated evenly.) We never took big family trips once we left home for college.
For my kids, I think I will be more pragmatic. I do think we will take some big trips and to get the kids and their spouses and kids to attend, we will pay for everything. So far, we have paid for educations according to need and not evenly (public school kid gets uni paid for as does private school kid; public school kid does not get the difference). I expect the estate will be divided evenly between kids, but on the way to that, we will support kids as needed—unless someone starts complaining and then we will reexamine that. It is too early to tell if one child will need more support than the other.
