We had to rethink our approach this Christmas. D is married and S is not; in the past, we’ve been giving to the SIL equally to our own two kids. This Christmas I wanted to give a much bigger (not huge but more than the past 100 or 2) check, since we’ve been doing well and I know they can all use it. D and SIL have had some particular unavoidable expenses. None of them make a lot of money, but all can get by on what they have, being frugal types. I wanted to offer some breathing room.
So the question H and I had was–three equal checks, or two equal (joint one to D and SIL). Both approaches had merit. D and SIL probably had more need, but S could of course use extra too. We went around and around and finally decided on giving D/SIL 1.5X the amount we gave to S.
Not totally defendable, but it settled the question, and I guarantee none would feel slighted (actually no matter which way we went.)
As an aside, DH has 2 sibs. For a long time all 3 were employed and probably in generally similar income brackets, but one (BIL) was notoriously terrible with money management, constantly living above his means (even when he made a nice income) and constantly found ways to get others to fund his lifestyle. He was constantly asking FIL for “loans”. FIL was very generous and gifted all 3 kids $ every year, but BIL always wanted, or claimedhe. “needed” more. FIL gave in fo a very long time, but finally stopped, and when BIL asked him to co-sign on a mortgage for a new house (FIL was in his 80s then- and they wanted him to co-sign on a 30 yr loan??!!) FIL said NO. Then, FIL had a conversation with SIL who was the executor of the estate. BIL thought he should get more than DH and SIL because he “needed it”. FIL didn’t respond to BIL, but told SIL the estate would be divided equally. That’s what he wanted, BIL had been given plenty extra over the years, and if BIL didnt like the decision of his father, well too bad. FIL said “oh well - I’ll be dead”.
Someone suggested gifting SOs/spouses above. When it comes to significant financial gifts, my advice to my kids will be to deposit right into a separate account in their own name, and track what they spend it on. In some states that can make a big difference down the road if the couple splits up. They can choose to spend it on something joint, of course. But if, for example, they paid principal on their mortgage with it, that could be material and come bsck to them in a divorce.
There’s a good reason per stripe is frequently used in estate planning. You can’t go on, one son has two kids the other none so… I have an only so it doesn’t apply to me. My BIL on the other hand has two daughters, one married with two kids the other single no children. He would gift 4 times as much to his married daughter since there are four of them in that family. Not my place to say anything but I “judged” him
This whole issue is complicated when one of the “kids” has chronic medical issues and has never held a full-time job for reasons beyond her control. So far, we have gifted both kids quite a bit. S has used his to invest more in his thriving online business and save more in his tax advantaged retirement accounts. D has used hers for living expenses.
We still continue to hope that D’s health issues will be resolved but are grateful that we are able to gift the kids often and generously. So far, they both seem happy and grateful. S has a good job that pays decently plus his online business. D continues to try options with her Med team and do short term projects as they arise.
We will see how everyone’s health is to make adjustments as needed. D will be far behind financially in any case unless one of her projects wins numerous awards and she’s healthy enough to work more when she is healthier.
My siblings have always lived close to my parents and we’ve lived far enough away that I rarely see them. They used to babysit for the other grandchildren, and they continue to pay to take my sibs and families to meals and movies, etc. I imagine that over 33 years of our marriages that has added up to quite a bit of money.
When I had an emergency need for a couple of thousand dollars they added a codicil to their will. I need to pay each sib 1/3 of the money I borrowed out of any inheritance. I kinda hope they die penniless.
My adult sister consistently needs a bailout. I don’t need anything. I don’t like that she takes from their fixed income, but to me, it isn’t an issue.
They always say it comes from her share when they die. I hope they spend it all.
My dad told me he’s proud of me bc he never had to worry that I’d be ok or not do the right thing. That is my inheritance.
I think we all need to remember…fair does not necessarily mean the same or equal. There have been times when we have done things for one of our kids but not for the other…and no one keeps track.
For example, when our DD ended a car, we bought her one. We didn’t go out and buy DS a car at the same time. And we didn’t give him $20,000 to make up the difference!
For something like a vacation…if we gave it as a gift to our two kids, we would pay equally for them to come (note…airfare for one would be cheaper than the other just because of geographic location).
If we were going someplace and asked them if they wanted to take a vacation with us…then that would be something else. We probably would contribute to both…but we would help the one who isn’t working more…because we would,want them both to be able to come.
Our pups understand that we will do our best to treat them fairly. DS was 3 years ahead of DD, and both went to full needs met schools. However, DS was 3 years ahead of DD so he benefitted from us being a larger family for FA purposes, and he got much more financial aid. Is it “fair” to DD that we have had to pay $4000 more per year for her school than we had to pay for DS, after he graduated? This adds up to a $12000 difference, but we clearly don’t have anything extra to give him. Neither of them had to take loans.
I am inclined to make it up to DS in some way, to make it even out, but DH thinks doing that means that we’re treating him better - it’s not DD’s fault she was born younger, and has to pay more once our family size was smaller.
My husband and I are very, very fortunate that our two grown children, ages 31 and 28, are completely independent and earning enough money to live comfortably.
Still, fairness is an issue.
As a child, our daughter consistently got more money from us than her brother did because she was involved in a greater number of ECs, and some of them were a little pricey.
Our son had jobs throughout high school – starting at the age of 14 – and he paid for a lot of things himself. Our daughter didn’t work until after high school because she chose to attend an IB program and to participate in quite a few ECs. She didn’t work because she didn’t have time to work, and she wasn’t able to pay for anything herself.
Our son attended a state university by his own choice. Our daughter attended a private college and was full-pay. Her education cost much more than his, but we didn’t do anything to make up the difference.
We gave our daughter a fixed amount of money when she got engaged – to be used toward the cost of her wedding or anything else she wanted. If our son gets married, he will receive the same amount. But what if he never gets married?
Our daughter and her husband will likely have children at some point. Our son and his girlfriend probably will not, even if they decide to get married, because neither of them wants to have a family. How can my husband and I treat our two children fairly if there are grandchildren in one household and not the other?
This is all made worse by the fact that everything I’ve mentioned favors our daughter over our son. I feel that he has been shortchanged and will continue to be shortchanged. But he doesn’t seem to mind. I think that if I were in his situation, I would mind. But that’s just me.
Interesting question. I didn’t have to think about it yet, but our son’s education cost was seven times less than anticipated cost for DD. We gave him money for down payment on his place, but it was still considerably less than education cost for DD. DD knows that she will not get anything towards her housing, but everything she earned for her internships is saved in her bank account. So hopefully when she graduates she still have enough to put down on her first place.
I think I would do the distribution the same way as need based aid is contributed. The one who needs it –gets it.
I’ve talked to the guys about the kind of thing @Marian brings up. Any discrepancies are mostly a result of birth order. For instance, if we kept one kid on insurance it didn’t cost any more to keep two on. Because ds2 had to be on our insurance while in college, ds1 was able to save money by staying on our insurance, too. As soon as ds2 graduated we kicked both off the insurance, but ds1 still was able to ride free for three years that ds2 didn’t. As a consequence, we’ve done a little extra for ds2 here and there, like paying for an extra trip home.
I don’t really know what “fair” looks like, in practical terms. All I can say for certain is that flawed people raising flawed people are bound to screw something up. But we can be extraordinarily creative about how we screw it up!
My dad lent one of my brothers money to buy some land with the understanding that my brother would repay my dad’s estate after my dad died. So my brother repaid the estate as promised, and then he got a third of it back as part if his inheritance. We all thought that was funny.
Our kids were given equal opportunities as far as access to EC’s and we paid for both to get undergrad degrees. We take family trip and pay for both ( as well as SIL).
Our wills have it all split 50/50. We provided them with equal opportunities. If one chooses a more lucrative career, or a larger family - those are choices. I don’t believe in rewarding/ penalizing for choices ( unless that are really bad such as criminal behavior). Yes one or the other may end up better off , but circumstances can also change.
To his credit, BIL did allocate extra to his siblings from their parents’ estate to account for a loan he had outstanding with them. Even though there was never a scrap of paper documenting the loan.
We’ll see how it goes with weddings, houses, and grandkids. It looks like that might get lopsided, so someone may get some spurious checks in the mail. Or however you get money to kids these days.
Some relatives should have stripes— jail stripes