Isn’t there also the angle where, in family get-togethers for weddings or other events, some family members may be prone to choosing luxury class options (for hotels, event locations, etc.), while others may be prone to choosing economy class options? That seems like a potential source of friction, particularly if those who would choose economy class options do not have the money to spend on luxury class options that others want to choose.
We always tried to treat our 2 kids evenly and fairly. We agreed to pay for their undergrad college, but any grad school was on them. D got her masters at a local and affordable public university. She worked during the day and went to school at night for several years. She paid for it herself. S is finishing up a 2 year full time masters program at a private university. His expenses are probably 4-5 times what his sister paid. He will finish with a nice chunk of debt.
However…because of AP courses and a lot of hustle, S finished his undergrad degree in 7 semesters. We didn’t have a tuition bill for that last semester of senior year. We have decided to take the amount we probably would have spent on that semester and gift it to S when he finishes his current program. He will still have more debt than his sister had, but we feel it was only fair to give him the money we would have spent on him anyway.
My parents started giving all of us money for Christmas, and it was per-person, not per family, but then mom decided that was unfair for the singles…so after telling us first, she started giving the same amount per household. NObody minded but it was appreciated that she told us first. Mom once called me to get an okay for a larger birthday present for my sibling, because she worried the rest of us would feel slighted. (it was an appliance my sib desperately needed, not a cruise, for goodness sake)
OTOH, My inlaws once had custody of a second car of ours, and when we went to get it back, they had sold it and given the money to my BIL because “he needed it more”. Which was both true and bewildering…They have always tended to treat him as needing their financial and emotional help sooooo much more. We kept our kids clothes in boxes because we couldn’t afford furniture, they wouldn’t part with their stash of furniture, which they then gave to …a friend of my BIL.
We have landed in the middle. “Fair doesn’t mean equal” is our approach. My oldest can’t remember to pay his share of the common phone plan; I decided I wasn’t ever going to care enough to nag him so I released everyone from paying. That’s equal. My youngest has thousands of dollars in medical expenses every year, which we assist in paying, but we don’t pay everyone’s medical bills. That’s fair.
interesting thread. I was recently helping my parents move and found my maternal grandmother’s check registers (which for some reason my mother kept when her mother died). My grandparents had four grandchildren. I’m #2. We were rolling on the floor laughing as I read out loud the check amounts she sent to grandchildren. The oldest grandchild always got significantly more than everyone else. Everyone would get $15 and he’d get $100—a lot back in the day. We thought it was hilarious. There were no hard feelings. None of us needs the money now. We knew she loved us all.
If it’s a vacation or family wedding we pay for all our children and the significant others. If we are going out for common meals we pay. If they are out alone or ordering drinks they pay. It works for us. My Inlaws follow the same. If it’s a family holiday they treat everyone. Tickets are economy and if you want to fly business the extra is on you. We all get similar accommodations based on generation. Grandkids usually share and might not have a room with a view. We also pay airfare if they are coming to visit us.
I haven’t read all replies but plan to later. We didn’t give same amount for education - but each picked where they wanted to go within limits, and I’m not writing a check for the difference.
My older son has struggled getting a professional job, and I’m still helping him a little.
My younger son will be making a really nice salary when he graduates, so won’t need help, but I will likely help him with apartment set-up, for example, and may continue insurance since I pay for his brother’s.
We so far pay for all vacations, and include “significant” significant others. We don’t quite know what that means, but it doesn’t mean “plus 1.”
My stepdaughter’s other parents are wealthy, and my ex contributes nothing, and sometimes that factors into our decisions.
I just try to do what feels right to me a thing the time, and consider on a case by case basis. For weddings I may give a set amount to each kid, and let them use it as they see fit. But if one marries someone who’s parents are paying most of it, and we have spare money, I might supplement more for the other.
We are fairly new to this adult children stuff, and are making our way with plenty of mistakes as we go.
We paid for undergrad for both kids, but with 4 years between them, we paid more for S2 than for S1. We didn’t compensate S1 for that, and never considered doing so. In fact, since S2 saved us money (relatively) by graduating in 3.5 years, we offerred to pay his living expenses for 6 months post-graduation. We didn’t look to do something comparable for S1.
My bio grandma that I had never met until a few weeks ago held money over her sons like a weapon. It’s why none of them have relationships with her.
My sister has cut us off and blocked my parents so there’s no splitting money there, though the will is still 50/50… not that there’s going to be any money.
Mr R is the youngest of 3 boys and has always received the least support. He never got braces, was the only one who had to take out student loans, etc. In adulthood, same thing though this is in part because of me. I refused their (very little) help with our wedding because it came with religious strings attached.
His brothers get way more help than we do. We get nothing. Which is fine, we don’t need it, but I do get bitter when the other brothers get trips and other things subsidized when they’ve never given us a thing. (We make less than one brother and more than the other. We’re just the best with money so we never need help paying bills. )
I think you can make yourself crazy. One by trying to make things equal and another trying to compare yourself to others in your family. But getting into a stew about it, doesn’t help anything.
I can see certain things in my family. Where one kid is held to a certain expectation and the other is cut a lot of slack. (Not talking about my kids)
To be honest, one kid doesn’t want to spend vacation time with us. The other does, but I feel conflicted because does that mean I can’t pay for the one who does want to be with us, because that’s not fair? Also and this is very honest, one kid works hard to have a close relationship with us and the other hardly ever even calls. I am sure I am loved, but I don’t know what that kid wants or needs. The other I do. I may send something to the one who calls and is close because I want to and I know what they need. Should I never send anything? Or should I send a check to the one who I haven’t talked to in person since before Christmas? Who has plenty of money and doesn’t want for anything?
I love both of my kids, really I do. But one makes a huge amount more effort in our relationship than the other. I do try and be even, mostly by not helping either out.
I thought for a long time before posting this. I am very secure that both kids love us a lot. Interesting question though.
i love my 4 kids equally; and want to be fair to them, but their circumstances all vary. We pay more for one’s college than the other, and probably won’t make it monetarily equitable. We pay way too much for our middle schooler’s EC; and very little for our HS son’s ECs. the money is not the same, but in a way its fair; we are helping them as they need help with their chosen passions and studies.
I really hope if one of them has a problem or takes issue with it all, he/she would talk to us about it. I agree with @1214mom – case by case basis with what is needed.
In my extended family we have seen HUGE-tear-apart-the-entire-family issues because of money/inheritance/divorce/step-family. We will never have that amount nor type of money or situations and i’m thankful for that.
I’ve always told my kids that life itself is never fair and be grateful for what you have.
Both of my kids are very fortunate in that they have very comfortable incomes, much much higher than what my H made but we have more wealth.
To address some of oldfort’s scenarios, when we travel together as a family, I will pay for their hotel rooms and meals as default. We plan to do this as frequently as their work schedules allow as my father had done the same thing with us and my sib’s families. We and my children treasure those fond memories. I have already told them their hotel and airline points are theirs to use when they go on their personal vacations, not when they travel with us.
Both kids had their private educations paid for and I paid my D’s living expenses when she attended grad school. My son didn’t attend grad school and I didn’t compensate him for that. I also helped with my D’s rent when she first graduated from college but my son didn’t need my help, no extra compensation either.
We gift each of our kids annually and this gets deposited into their trust accounts that we’ve set up for them years ago. We don’t gift their spouses. If they wish to co-mingle some assets with their spouses that’s their choice. We will set up 529 accounts for each grandchild and we won’t give extras to the party that has less children.
My son didn’t need our help when he bought his 2BR Greenwich Village apt when he was single and his co-op building wouldn’t allow parental help and has strict financial requirements for its buyers. It looks like my daughter and SIL won’t need our help as they are looking to buy their first house. However, they know we are there to help should they need it and they have both declined my offers to pay for many things. I doubt they spend any minute of their time thinking if we have been treating them equally financially. We should be grateful for our blessings.
In my family, my parents wanted to be strictly equal, but abandoned that over time, with the full support of their children. We were all just in too different circumstances. It was worth every penny my parents spent to help my youngest sister, including their contributions towards her medical school, to make her finally be sustainably self-supporting and not something my other sister and I had to worry about. My other sister and I begged them to do that, and not to account for it through their estates. They did make her borrow half of the cost of her medical school, however – an amount she could more or less comfortably carry once she got going. And she, who lived a few blocks from them, spent infinitely more time taking care of my parents when they got old than I or our other sister. My other sister – the least educated and most economically successful of us – has various complaints about her upbringing as a middle child, but she did NOT resent money that went to supporting or educating her sister, or for that matter anything that went to my kids. (She has been generous with my kids, too.)
When my parents died, everything was split evenly. There was no accounting for differences in what people got during the parents’ lifetimes.
My wife’s family also has a real spread in siblings’ circumstances. Two of four sisters are married, have decent earnings, and are married to men with decent earnings. They live in homes that have appreciated, and have been able to fund retirement accounts. Their children (two apiece) are self-supporting adults. The other two were married only briefly and have struggled most of their adult lives. One lives in a rural community and spent years on welfare, although she ultimately got credentialed as a teacher and has worked steadily at that for almost 20 years. She has two kids, too, who got very little financial support from either parent. The other has lived in or around NYC, and never had a stable career. She supports herself with various gigs, but she does not have much safety cushion for anything. There was a serious drug issue at one point, and we covered six months’ rent to make certain she wasn’t evicted.
After their parents divorced, their mother had barely enough to live on, but their father earned a good income. He subsidized the less successful sisters and the one’s children regularly, though less and less willingly as time went on. Neither of the more affluent sisters resented anything that went to their sisters or niece and nephew. As in my family, they were praying that their sisters got on an even keel before they had to take responsibility.
When my mother-in-law died, everything she owned – not much – was split evenly. When my father-in-law died, everything went to his second wife.
Some things you roll with and others really hurt.
My parents gifted their vacation home to my sister who they thought would enjoy it more than the other two siblings. Gotcha. She promptly sold it and upgraded for a vacation home that was too far away for my parents to drive.
My in-laws hosted a lovely restaurant dinner and full bar for the bridal party and all out of town guests (100+) for the two brothers. They gave us $500 toward the rehearsal dinner, reception, and wedding gift.
We had to drive six hours and stay in a hotel for the holidays for the in-laws. BIL and family stayed at the house and the in-laws gave them a check for the airfare and car rental in front of us.
Most of this hurt is because we were young in marriage and every dollar counted.
For those of us who spent $$$ to fund an IVF pregnancy and then then the grandparents pay per head. Ouch!!!
“Once long ago I got a check from my parents and couldn’t figure out why, turns out one of my siblings had needed help.”
I’ve received the same in my family. I’m sure it’s not always equal but my folks try. I also like to think that I should be thankful my folks are there to help my siblings with the assets to do so because if they couldn’t, the sibling would likely be coming to me for assistance next. 
“One thing my in-laws made clear was that they wanted to pay for college for their grandchildren. This is where things start to get tricky, first we have 2 kids my BIL has 3. My wife has never been “about the money” but based on the past she is starting to think about “how is this going to balance out?””
I think when it comes to grandkids, it doesn’t need to be equal by family just equal by grandkid. The grandkids are their own people and are as deserving of the help and love from their grandparents as a grandparent/grandchild relationship that shouldn’t have to do with the parents, IMO. 0, 2, 4 grandkids in a family shouldn’t matter. Everyone had a choice to have as many kids as they wanted. That’s not the grandkids fault.
"To be honest, one kid doesn’t want to spend vacation time with us. The other does, but I feel conflicted because does that mean I can’t pay for the one who does want to be with us, because that’s not fair? Also and this is very honest, one kid works hard to have a close relationship with us and the other hardly ever even calls. I am sure I am loved, but I don’t know what that kid wants or needs. The other I do. I may send something to the one who calls and is close because I want to and I know what they need. Should I never send anything? Or should I send a check to the one who I haven’t talked to in person since before Christmas? Who has plenty of money and doesn’t want for anything?
For me, this would be a case of equal opportunity. If you invite both kids to vacation with you and only one accepts, the one not accepting doesn’t get some $ or money to make up for it. On the other hand, if I was sending a gift to one, let’s say for Valentine’s Day, I’d definitely send a gift to both. Even if you don’t know what the less connected kid might want or need, you can always send a gift certificate to some popular new restaurant in his/her town or a museum membership, or something.
Conversation and explanation can go a long way. Recently my son turned 21 and we made a big deal out of it, flying us all to Las Vegas, staying in a nice hotel, eating good food, and seeing a show that we knew he would enjoy. I realized we hadn’t treated our daughter to such an extravaganza when she had turned 21 years before, although I did put a lot of thought and effort into what we did for her and I know she appreciated it at the time. So I spoke to my daughter, pointed out the difference in how we were celebrating the birthdays, and asked her how she felt about it. I think it went a long way that she was included in the trip and festivities for her brother, but she honestly hadn’t given it a thought before I brought it up and wasn’t bothered about the differences at all! She knew without me pointing it out that the circumstances were completely different this time around, and what was appropriate for her then was not necessarily the best way to go in this instance. I’m just glad I thought to speak to her about it, to head off any possible resentment. Fun was had by all!
Sorry if this has already been said, but why do siblings need to know how much each are getting in assistance from mom and dad? Don’t ask, don’t tell and nobody has hurt feelings or resentment.
I hope my mom has given more to my brothers over the past 20 years, and I hope she’s arranged to leave them more in her will. I’ve been luckier than they’ve been, which has nothing to do with choices or work ethic - just luck.
With my own kids, we’ve tried to keep things roughly even with the big stuff (educations, weddings) and the medium stuff (birthdays, Christmas). They’ll each receive an equal portion of our estate. When they were in elementary school, I always tried to have the same number of Christmas presents for each so no one would run out of gifts to open first, which has become a family joke.
I expect we’ll keep things even with our grandchildren too, with the possible exception of helping them with college (if we’re still around and not penniless at that point). One d’s kids have already received a large bequest for their educations, and I’d hope this d wouldn’t object to us helping her nieces/nephews more.
Maybe siblings don’t need to know, but some people are just no good at keeping secrets.
Sometimes it comes out later. My brother died unexpectedly, and I found out as his executor (going thru his papers) a few ways my parents had favored him over the years – monetary and otherwise. I think it is better to discuss it. Secrets have a way of coming out, even 30 years later.
Perhaps it is more likely to matter if it is blatant, like parents spending all of the college money and taking on debt for the first sibling, so there there is nothing left to help the next sibling(s) with their college costs.