My sister is on disability for mental illness and lives with our widowed mother. My brother has a decent retirement–widowed and no kids. My H and I have a comfortable income and our kids are doing okay (the only grandkids.) My expectation is that mom will leave her house and anything left over to my sister, who has little independent means of support.
And that’s fine. Equal is often not necessary, and the reality doesn’t need to be kept hidden, for us, anyway.
My brother owns half the house my parents live in, and the value has gone up (about double) in the 5 years since they bought it. Brother’s girlfriend is sort of obsessed with him getting it in writing that it’s his house and the rest of us (there are 6 siblings) get nothing. We really don’t care and all know that it is his. He pays for all kinds of things for them. There will be no money left to anyone, and I doubt there will be any fight over the possessions. I know what I’d like, but don’t care if I get nothing.
Why the girlfriend is obsessed I don’t know. She lives in a 2 million dollar house, has trust funds for all her kids to complete college, makes 3 or 4 times what my brother makes and I really doubt they’ll ever marry.
"We really don’t care and all know that it is his. "
If that’s the case, why not put it in writing then? Maybe the girlfriend witnessed first hand how the dividing up of an estate can get ugly. It definitely happens even in families that thought it wouldn’t. Grieving and $ do weird and unpredictable things to people.
Agree with garland. I have a sibling on disability, who had to retire at a much younger age than planned. A difficult life for several reasons, some self-inflicted, some not. My H and I have been extremely fortunate and are able to help out with extended family several times. I had a talk with my mother about her and my stepdad’s estates, asking that all of both go to my brother. I also assured her that he would never want for anything after she’s gone. My H is a saint, a generous saint.
I think when there is a disability or other lifetime medical issue with a family member, a whole different set of rules certainly needs to apply.
Oh, because we won’t give in to her!
If my brother presented me with a document, I’d sign it but he won’t go through the process. Actually the biggest problem is my father who doesn’t own any part of the house. If my mother were to die first (oh pleasepleaseplease don’t let that happen) he couldn’t live in the house alone. He’d be entitled to some of it by law but not all of my mother’s half. I don’t think my brother wants responsibility for my father.
In my family, for at least three generations (as long as I have knowledge) estates have been divided equally among children by parents, and then those adult children gifted back to a sibling needing help a larger share. At this point it just seems to be accepted practice.
I think maybe it began because of a cousin’s suicide following financial reverses. So many questions I didn’t ask and should have.
I have one younger sister. My family was very poor. My parents refused to pay one cent for me to go to college and then told me if I lived at home, I had to pay rent, buy my own food and clothing, pay for my own phone, etc. I did it because it was still cheaper than going away to school, but I had to take out loans to do it. My sister barely graduated HS and then decided she wanted to study abroad for a year. My mother borrowed money from her boss to make it happen and my sister came home 2 months later. My sister paid not one penny towards those loans from the boss. I did better financially than my sister as I became an attorney and my sister became a substance abuser. When my parents got older, I decided that I would be a better example for my kids and tried to help them a bit financially. I stopped after a few months because I learned from my aunt that my parents were sending all the money I sent them to my sister. When my father died, all I got was his final electric bill, which I mailed to my sister.
My aunt never married. When my sister and I were kids, my aunt clearly favored her. She would buy her clothing, take her for sleepovers, etc. When we grew up, she gave my sister money until the day my sister called her for the third time in a month to tell her that her TV had been stolen. When my aunt died, she left her entire moderately substantial estate to me. I have not shared one cent with my sister and never will.
H has one sister, who has been supported financially by MIL her entire life. Even when SIL was married, MIL paid for almost everything, including unsuccessful IVF cycles. Now, SIL is on disability, lives with MIL and is constantly trying to get her hands on mIL’s SS payments. I have been paying bills for MIL, but I keep track of the ones I have to front. H is getting the house, which is worth a bit, but H and I promised MIL that we would use a certain amount to support SIL after MIL dies (she is 93). SIlL is on public benefits so she can’t inherit anything or it will be taken away by Medicare, Medicaid, disability, the food stamp people, etc. MIL wanted to leave her house to my oldest son, the clear favorite, but even he told her that was not right. He told her leave the house to dad (my H) and then mom (me) will get it and I will be fair.
As for my kids, I promised them all a SUNY UG education (or the equivalent at another school). I paid for D’s masters as well, but only because she earned so many scholarships and worked as an RA that I paid less than full price for her UG so I could swing her grad school. As for the boys, I paid 4 years worth for middle son, who accumulated 80 credits. I then pulled the plug and brought him home. S17 is a freshman and he has the same deal. The oldest and third boys went to CC but dropped out. If they decide to return, I will help them.
I have everyone on the same cell phone plan, but D wanted a fancy new phone so she bought it for herself. Oldest son gets me a 20% discount on the cell bill. I have the 3 youngest on my health insurance and had the two oldest on until each turned 26 and aged out. I pay for their dental coverage through my job but they pay for the copays, etc. (just the two oldest, I cover the younger ones). Oldest son’s gf bought her grandma’s old car. I put it on my insurance because the cost for one month for my son was equal to one year for me but I made them pay me back. None of my other kids have cars, they drive ours. If they use a car, they put gas in. If they use my EZ Pass, they pay me back. It’s not the money, it’s the responsibility. If we go out for dinner, I pay. Only oldest son and D have SO’s right now. I would not give them a gift equal to my children’s, unless they presented me with a grandchild.
I don’t give birthday or Hanukah gifts anymore, so I spend a little extra on the youngest one because he’s the one who got the fewest. So, instead of making him take Amtrak home, I fly him home from college once in a while.
As for my will, as of now, it’s 5 equal shares, with D and middle son as executors. Her, because she is the glue that binds her brothers, and middle son because he is the best mathematically, the least emotional (we used to call him “Baby Spock”) and the least interested in money.
It is my dream to have grandchildren and it is my intention to fund a 529 for each of them, if my circumstances allow.
I had never thought about this, but this year my parents announced that they were giving my son and his loooong term fiancé the same gift as my D and SIL for Christmas. (We are talking about a couple hundred dollars.
We try to be fair , but not always equal. Two had more expensive college educations, but we’re not giving the other 2 the difference. We give the married couple a bit more at Christmas, but help the others out in other ways too. My parents have played favorites and I’ve seen what it does to a family so we’re trying to avoid that at all costs. When we’d go on vacations, they would offer to pay but then the favored siblings would get better hotels, etc. And I admit it was a bit of a shock to find out that they’d funded a 529 for the only child of the most favored sibling, while disregarding all the other grand kids. Ultimately it’s their money, but it’s definitely put some tension into the family.
A lot of people equate money with love. In my niece and nephew case, my niece could well afford to get her own hotel room by using points she has accumulated through work, but the fact her mother would pay for her brother’s hotel room and not hers makes her feel her mother loves her brother more. I know this because she has expressed her feelings to D2 (they are close in age). My sister also allows the son and wife to use their AmEx to go out to dinner few times a month, but not for my niece and her BF (he is also doing very well as an attorney). I am debating whether I should say something to my sister.
My kids are 5 years apart. D1 is more like a second mother to D2 growing up. D1 subsidizes D2 as much as I do. When we go on vacation, D1 would have D2 stay in her room free of charge and I would pay for food. D2 is D1’s maid of honor for the upcoming wedding. In theory D2 is to host/pay for the shower, but I am paying for it because D2 can’t afford it. When D2 wants an expensive handbag or shoes, she would let her sister know before she tells me.
In my family it was always money followed need – it worked for us, and that is how I try to be with our two sons. In H’s family it was always equal amounts. So that is how he wants to be with our kids. So…younger son was between jobs and needed help covering rent. H sent him a check for the rent and then sent older son a check for the same amount. I get a phone call from S1 asking why he got the check. I told him “your bother needed rent money, so your Dad sent you a check as well.” S1 says thank you and I thought that was it. A week later S2 calls and asks why S1 sent him a check. I called S1 and he said “If figured if he needed rent money he probably need beer and grocery money too, so I sent him the money Dad sent me.” We all laughed at Dad.
I can’t see me and my husband ever having enough riches to dole them out equally all the time to our four children, but we’d definitely help our kids out in a hard spot if we could (oldest is only 18 so this isn’t an issue yet).
@lololu that was sweet of ds1. Good job.
I agree, @lololu wins the thread with that story. 
It would be great if all sib could be so kind to each other!
Does she expect her sister to get it for her? Do you think it’s OK for D1 to subsidize D2 on extravagant purchases or D2 to expect it from either you or her sister?
Just wish to add @oldfort that I know you and your girls love handbags. I myself have subsidized my kids on things I deem extravagant as rewards.
My parents have favored one of my sisters over the years, starting in her 20s. They bought a house eight years ago and she lives in it at reduced rent. Dad has paid it off and is giving it to her in the will. Whatever is left (including the house he lives in) after expenses and nursing care gets divided among all five of us. (I expect that it will be a very small amount; his house is not worth much.)
This is causing problems among the siblings. I plan to give my share to two of my sibs who have travelled long distances over many vacations to help my parents, but who are utterly unappreciated.
My mom used to calculate the cost of gifts to within a dollar to be “fair.” This fairness didn’t extend to help w/college – they paid for my brother because he’d have to support a family – but not for me.
With my kids, S1 makes many multiples of what S2 does. S2 has been living at home but hasn’t been making enough to live on his own (or to even pay his own full freight). It’s frustrating to say the least. S1 is happy to be self-supporting and has saved a lot, and it bothers me that it feels to me like he’s getting the short stick. If I could get him nice stuff, I would, but he’s not terribly into travel or food, etc. He insists on paying his own plane tickets. He lives pretty simply. At a certain level, it feels like he’s being penalized for his success.
S2 is appreciative of living at home, but the reality is that he needs a much larger salary to live in this area (or go back to school and get another degree or certification that will get him more $$). He’s about to head overseas as an expat, so I hope he gains more adulting skills.
My bigger hope is that they develop more of a relationship. There’s zero hostility, but they are just very different people with diverse interests. I don’t know that I can force that agenda, though.
My two working Ds make very different amounts of money even though they both work equally hard. Life can just be unfair that way. I wouldn’t dream of treating them differently because of it, but they’re young and time will tell what we all may need over the years.
I’ve seen too many families crack apart due to parents favoring some children over others or just doing things that create tension between siblings. Even in H’s family there are weird undercurrents amongst these siblings that had always gotten along together very well. The parents created this and a bit of clear communication and forethought would have easily prevented it.
This thread reminds me that H and I need to see a lawyer and update our wills. And not one of the idiot lawyers who gives the bad advice that seems to be floating around everywhere!
One of my brothers needed and got more help from my parents. He drove my parents crazy because they couldn’t make him into a capable independent adult. In fact, he had problems that now have labels like executive function disorder, but they didn’t know and felt they had to help him and were so frustrated that nothing they did worked.
My sibs and I never resented it and we also tried to help him. In the end he died before my parents. I can tell you that my sibs and I would rather he were still here, even if we had to step in and help him now that our parents are gone.