How to treat your adult children fairly

Parent Cafe
101

“My sister also allows the son and wife to use their AmEx to go out to dinner few times a month, but not for my niece and her BF (he is also doing very well as an attorney). I am debating whether I should say something to my sister.”

That’s weird. Do you think it is purely a gender thing? I’d have a hard time biting my tongue about it although staying out of it might be the wiser thing to do.

“With my kids, S1 makes many multiples of what S2 does. S2 has been living at home but hasn’t been making enough to live on his own (or to even pay his own full freight). It’s frustrating to say the least. S1 is happy to be self-supporting and has saved a lot, and it bothers me that it feels to me like he’s getting the short stick. If I could get him nice stuff, I would, but he’s not terribly into travel or food, etc. He insists on paying his own plane tickets. He lives pretty simply. At a certain level, it feels like he’s being penalized for his success.”

@CountingDown Do you tell your older son this? How proud you are of him? IMO, words of appreciation can mean a lot.

102

@doschicos, Yes, I’ve told him. I can only hope it registers. Would help if I could tell him without crying!

103

The tears show you care and genuinely mean it. I’m sure he understands that, @CountingDown. My kids are well acquainted with my Momma Bear tears. :x

104

Perhaps your S1 does not want any money or nice stuff from you, but would rather see you help your S2 become self-supporting, for both his and your sake.

105

When it comes to vacations, we did a family thing to a place with high travel costs and gifted each kid enough for their travel; since that time, we tell the kids to make their own plans to get there and then they don’t have to pay for anything once they arrive, though certainly could choose extra excursions etc., if they want. In our case, not all kids came on one trip, by choice, the kid who chose not to attend did not get a check.

I have a sibling who has literally needed help for 50 years, a series of bad choices is a large part of it and once that spiral began there is little likelihood things will improve. Absolutely no money management ability. I also have a sibling who has made way less income than the others and yet likely has the largest net worth based on meticulous frugality and intense energy in responsible saving & spending. My parents used to help that one sibling quite often, eventually they stopped helping and when there was the occasional need for assistance, the other siblings would all receive something to equal things out.

I knew one family where the Dad was so intense on everything being equal to the penny, I think his head would have exploded if his adult kids had had different numbers of kids.

I would not think about equalizing the money spent on college unless there was some crazy disparity that was also resented. We gave our kids similar opportunities which they explored differently, but everything was fairly close. Our kids all reached the point of moving from starving student to moderately employed around the same time, which was nice as we did not have to think too hard about evening things out between them. Each was or will be offered the same amount toward a wedding, they can elope and pocket it or use it toward their dream. I think if anyone reaches 35 unmarried, we would give them that cash as a transition to being grown up gift. We have offered each that we will match their down payment up to a certain amount.

Regarding everyday stuff, one kid had more expensive ECs for years, another kid went through some life hiccups that added many costs to our lives, and another kid really never cost anything extra, but as an adult lives nearby and is the beneficiary of innumerable everyday benefits and life improvements due to the proximity. In the everyday things I think it evens out.

We do have one kid who will likely earn a great deal more than the others, but that will be the product of many years of hard work and education and sacrifice and student loans. I don’t know how we will feel if one kid makes $80k and one makes $280k!

106

Our S has “forgotten” or neglected to cash the last 2 big checks that we gifted him with because we have been supporting D (as he’s VERY good with $$$, we are pretty sure this is his way of saying he really is happy making it on his own). He lives a very comfortable life, makes a good living doing work that he seems to enjoy. He did cash and use 2 of the other checks we gave him and invested them well. He has significant savings and retirement accounts, travels as desired and rents a very nice condo that he’s considering buying.

We have offered to buy his plane tickets (which he declines) and given him e-certificates to reduce the price of his trips to visit us (which he sometimes accepts); we pay for D’s trips and all her expenses, as she continues to be medically disabled.

D’s doctors are hopeful they will be able to help her so that she can live a fuller and more active life, but no guarantees. We are grateful she’s been able to remain on our insurance policy, which has helped keep her medical bills as reasonable as possible.

107

I only had 1 child and so this is something I’l never need to stress over, but I do watch my parents struggle with it.

As a single mother of 1, I am significantly better off financially than my younger married sister with 3 kids. In fact my income exceeds her and her spouse combined.

I know my mother helps them out financially on a fairly regular basis and I only mind in that I think it enables my sister and her spouse who are not very financially responsible. I don’t mind when my parents help them out with their utility bills or buying groceries occasionally, but it does irritate me when I later discover that when my sister’s phone broke, she didn’t go buy a cheap replacement off eBay, but financed the newest iPhone on the market. When her washing machine broke, she didn’t start hitting yard sales, but went to a rent-to-own store and got the top of the line front loaders. I definitely don’t want my parents to start sending me cash to equalize things, in fact even when they send cash for my birthday or other holidays I usually just hand it to my son or my sister. But I do my best to discourage my parents from enabling my sister to continue to be financially irresponsible and sometimes I feel like she and my sister think that comes from a place of jealousy or resentment.

For Christmas my parents do their best to make sure my sister and I receive an equal value of gifts. They do not include her spouse as an equal party. I try to tell my mom that I’m not keeping score and I’d rather she just purchase what I ask for than buying additional gifts just to equalize the value, but keeping it equal for holidays is what makes her feel most comfortable.

My mom also struggles with how to equalize things with the grandkids. As I have 1 son and my sister has 3 kids, she struggles with whether my son should get 3 times as much or if she should spend the same on all the kids I try to tell her that my son is now an adult and has been spoiled his whole life to spend her money on the younger kids. But that leaves her feeling guilty, so I think at least once a month throughout my son’s college years, he’d get a gift card in the mail from my mom.

108

@deb922 …my kids are the same way. They love us, but one seems to like hanging out with us and is just more cheerful and open by nature. Talks to me, confides and actually takes advice. More generous of spirit. I wish I were more like him. The other one is harder to talk to, more closed off. He can be a bit of a user, too, but does anything I ask of him without complaint.

That is how my sibling and I were. But I was the more closed off one and he was more attached to our parents emotionally . It absolutely doesn’t mean the feelings don’t run deep.

I think it’s natural to “like” the one that seems to “like” you more and is friendlier. I didn’t say you love them more, that is completely different.

I do think it’s good that we are aware of keeping things even, resentment can be come into play and you don’t even know it. I’m not saying if you send one child something on Day 1, that you need to do something equal for the other right away. But next time you see something the other might like, even a restaurant gift card, send it to them with a note…just thinking of you. I would keep things equal to the amount of random gifting.

109

As this thread progressed it has included what parents have done for us and how we perceive the fairness. In my original post I mentioned that my parents didn’t financially support me past high school. That was the case with two of my younger siblings as well but not entirely the truth. They were very young parents, three children before 20 years of age. What they did do for us was to help with our first homes. My Dad, who did construction in the colder months and was a commercial fisherman during the warmer months, built my home for me, saving me thousands on labor. Five years later he helped my brother build his home, same deal. A few years later when my grandparents had passed, he sold the inherited home/property to my sister and her husband for what was owed to the bank, a steal. All three of us had our own homes in our 20s.

There is one younger brother who has struggled financially, due to both laziness and substance abuse by himself and his wife. He was the one who benefited most during his childhood, in that my parents were in a better financial situation when he was the only child at home and were able to fund community college for him (he dropped out), financed a small business start up for him (lost everything), and house both he and his wife in the in-law apartment that was meant for themselves at this stage. They struggle to pay rent but have nice cars, clothes, cell phones, and grocery shop at the nicest places. So, yes, there is some resentment there, but at least in my case, its because they are a financial burden to my aging parents.

I am the executor of the will and know that everything will be split evenly four ways. Its pretty much a moot point, thankfully, because the only investment they have is their house and they are living off a reverse mortgage. My biggest concern is getting the freeloader and his wife out of the house when the time comes to sell it.

110

@cbreeze - D1 buys those more extravagant gifts for D2 for birthdays and holidays, not whenever.

Every family is different on how they treat their kids when it comes to money. My parents didn’t have much money, so they didn’t have much to give. In some ways it was easier for all of us. The only time I remember there was hurt feelings was when brother 1 brought a (low end) BMW for my father out of one of his first bonuses. Few years later my father “sold” it to my younger brother without telling brother 1 because my younger brother needed a car.

111

I think it all comes down to your definition of “fair.”

Does “fair” mean “equal”? Or does “fair” mean giving each person what they need, in the hopes that they’ll end up equal in terms of their needs?

I have no idea of the answers; right now we’re trying to figure out college expenses.

I know that my parents gave more to the one sibling who needed more when it was needed. That sibling has since paid them back in spades. To the best of my knowledge, there has never been any resentment on that front. There’s a pretty strong tie between the five of us “kids.”

112

Possibly the only solution to these issues!

113

Interesting how many families approach this question with the added layer of how the parents and their siblings were treated by the prior generation.

I have two sisters and my parents always treated us pretty much equally. I am my mother’s executor and her will will distribute whatever is left of her estate (she is not wealthy) equally among the 3 of us after specific bequests (also of equal amounts) to the remaining grandchildren who are not married as of the date of her death. She gave a very generous wedding gift to my S and DIL this past fall (and intends to give the same gift to any others who marry) and she actually changed her will so that the 7 other grandchildren will receive a like amount if they have not married.

My in-laws, on the other hand, are a story onto themselves. They are very wealthy and have always provided for additional specific bequests in their wills for their daughters, an example of their misogyny. My H and his brother are men and therefore can earn a living and they need to “equalize” the girls. All four of his siblings are or are in the process of being divorced. My in-laws paid off each of the exes and paid all legal expenses related to the divorces. One of my sisters-in-law (she is 63) has never purchased a car of her own…seriously. They also use money as a hammer to try and control their children. There has been a family business for as long as I have been around (40 years) and my H is the only member of his generation to work in it. Somehow the fact that he worked with his (admitted by all) difficult father for over 30 years, had multiple years without any salary, and ultimately grew a business from which they have all benefitted, is lost in all of the “it’s unfair” we hear from his siblings that we have been more financially successful than all of them. Somehow they believe he should have worked for free for all these years and is entitled to only as much as they will get from the estate, someday. They also ignore the fact that we are still married, I have my own business, and we have invested our money more aggressively (and suffered as well as benefitted from that philosophy) over the years. This is only the tip of the iceberg and it has adversely impacted my H’s relationship with his siblings and my kids’ relationships with their aunts/uncle/cousins. It has caused so much turmoil and bad feeling that I just cannot wait for it to be over.

I think this has colored how we treat our children…my H is very committed to treating them as equally as possible throughout their lives while supporting them in any way possible to achieve their goals. There is no spreadsheet, it’s not a dollar for dollar thing, but it works for us. So far, so good. They appreciate all we do for and with them and each, in his or her own way, tells us repeatedly how lucky they are to feel so supported in all ways.

114

I think the key isn’t how much you give or spend. The key is don’t play favorites.

My inlaws play favorites with their grandkids…and the other grandkids all know it. That bothers all of the adult parents in the picture. One grandchild always gets gifts…for birthdays, and holidays, etc. The rest don’t even get a card. I think the kids really don’t care about the amount of the gift…they just want to be included…not excluded.

This year, MIL sent a Christmas gift for my daughter (a surprise since that seldom happens). My son was going to be here too. So…to avoid hurt feelings on Christmas, we had DD open her gift a week before when her brother wasn’t here yet. This has happened before…one kid gets a gift…the others don’t. Sorry…but sending a card would work!

It seems like every family has someone who is more needy than others. In my family…it’s one sister. She lived with the parents until they died. That house was her only home…ever…in her life. My dad decided to deed the house to her upon his death, and none of us had an issue with that. She was there for the parents…and it was her home.

I should add…when the last parent died, and sister got the house, the rest of us got nothing. But that was fine. It wasn’t equal…but it certainly was fair. Parents had been really good to all of us over the years…not necessarily with money or gifts, but with lots of support and caring.

115

To those of you who have parents or in-laws who treat grandkids unfairly by showing favoritism to one or a few (seems surprisingly common based on this thread), is anything ever said by the adult children about it? I think I’d have a really hard time biting my tongue.

116

@doschicos

It’s their money! So no, we have not spoken up.

One exception was a year my DD got a small (and useless…but that’s a whole other story) gift from MIL. When we talked to MIL on Christmas Day, she claimed she was putting something in the mail to DS…who was at our house…to HIS place in another state. She told DS this. At the end of January, nothing had arrived at DSs house, so he called us to ask if anything had been sent. DH called his mother…she was surprised we were asking…and NO she hadn’t sent anything. DH dropped it there.

No, she doesn’t have dementia. She just plays favorites.

117

Wow, @thumper1 ! As a grandmother, I cannot imagine doing that to my grandchildren.

118

In the spirit of fairness, I asked my son if it was ok if I gave his g/f equivalent holiday gifts as I was giving to him. He seemed pleased.

As so many have written, I always knew how much more my sister received from my parents. She has many medical issues. What I wish is that they had helped her get on SSI, or put her on their payroll so she could collect SS.

119

My youngest is 9 years younger than the oldest, so college expenses had risen. I have no intention of giving my oldest the difference, as it is just the way it is. My middle one chose a state school, which was cheaper, so did not have to take the Stafford loan.

At times, my sister resented the fact that I had three kids so “I” would get more from my parents as they had to give three birthday and Christmas gifts. To me, as Doschicos says, each grandchild is his or her own person with their own relationship to the grandparents, so an equal amount to each grandchild, but not to each family.

We aren’t at that point yet, as mine are not entirely launched (one is now in grad school). If one marries and others do not, I would give the spouse gifts and not feel like I have to double the gifts to the unmarried ones. If one kid does not marry, do you gift them with the same amount of money you spent on the wedding for the married ones?

As to travel etc., to me it depends. If one of my kids takes a job where they are making far more money than I am, should I be paying for their travel? If not, does that mean I can’t pay for the one that makes minimum money? I would hope that the well off kid would be OK with subsidizing the other, so we can all vacation together or attend a family event. I think I would talk to the well off one about this and make sure they were OK with it. But I would still give the same level of presents etc.

Not sure how this will all work out, but I believe that fair is not always exactly even, but must look at the specific circumstances.

120

I have not held my tongue to my mom, who is consistently taken advantage of by my sister’s children. Nephew, with his SA issues through high school, frequently helped himself to her cash in the coffee can. Niece, who blew through her college savings and is taking a year off to try to earn enough for another year, whined about missing everyone at Christmas and decided to buy a last minute plane ticket home - then wanted her grandma to cover it. Which my mom did - almost $1400.

I told my mom that I thought that was terrible behavior, to treat her grandkids differently, monetarily showing favoritism. I reminded her that my late father never would have done that, he was always doing his best to make things fair, and relatively even. When we were first married, my sister needed new tires on her car, and he was happy to help her, then he made it even to us and my other sister by sending us a each check for “you need to fill your oil tank”. And I remember it really helped.

When my father passed, I began helping my mom with all of her finances, including her checkbook and modest investments. She has enough to get by, as her expenses are lower than her widow’s pension, and she has retiree medical insurance. We have told her repeatedly she can do what she wants with her money, and I remain grateful for everything she and my father did for us - but I told her if you show favoritism to some of your grandchildren it can cause hurt feelings. I asked her if she has forgotten how hurt she was that my aunts and uncles took advantage of my grandparents and great grandmother just a generation before.

I didn’t tell mom how much my other sister is upset with this. Instead, I told my mom that I thought she should talk with her - that I am not asking for anything because she can do what she wants, her money is still hers to do with as she pleases. I told her I have said what I needed to say, and I told her I wouldn’t mention it again unless she has any questions. I told her I wasn’t trying to make her upset, I wanted to let her know this was not Dad raised me.

It was hard having the conversation with her, but I talked with DH ahead of time, and even though he advised me to hold my tongue, he did help me figure out how to present it to her.

Part of the problem is mom is losing her faculties, slowly, and she perpetually has a confused expression. In the midst of the conversation, she mentioned that the plane ticket was $97 - she was $1300 off.

But we moved on to good news - my nephew has gotten a job at a healthy juice bar/gym, and he has lost 30 lbs since Christmas.