How to treat your adult children fairly

Parent Cafe
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Sorry, long post.
We worked very hard to ensure our girls never knew my mother was more generous with my brother’s kids. My girls would have been happy with hair bows from CVS, but the other two got carefully picked books, games, and checks.

I didn’t mind that, my own grew up to be generous and kind, while his (still teens) are seriously struggling with life itself. What was hard was all those years when my mother insisted he deserved or needed more, when she didn’t realize he earned more than double what we did (Let’s just say, they’d be college full pay.) (I was sworn to secrecy and he was always complaining to her about money.) Even when his career field went bust, he had assets accrued that could generously support his family. Even years later, those assets are still there.

When the time came, I split my grandmother’s estate 50-50 with him. And same for my mother’s. Neither had wills. My kids will inherit my/our assets equally, but owing to D2’s financial idiocy, D1 is executor, at this point. (Small family, no other relatives or friends in a position to manage this. Both girls understand and I trust D1 to make the decisions that work for both of them. We’ve had frank talks. Plus the writing in the will covers decisions.)

But on an ongoing basis, which is what I think @oldfort is after: D1 (in a corporate position) out earns D2 (in a noble people-helping field.) Both work hard, take work seriously. That and their good natures are what matters to me. D2 has begged car payments and more, until recently. It’s easy to free-will gift D1 something, or offer, since she almost never asks and does offer to pay back. (Eg, I paid the deposit on her lease car, she paid me back.)

Vacations. I pay the bulk, they contribute. Eg, I pay the house rental in Maine, a meal if we dine out, and they and their partners do all the main grocery shopping, split that. If we venture off to visit DH’s family, for pleasure or a wedding or funeral, I pay hotels, a main meal, they pay for a few meals. It’s at the point where they offer this, when the check comes.

D1 gifted me with our tickets to Ireland, I paid hotel and our more expensive incidentals, but she was just as forthcoming when splitting or paying for a dinner or the airport transport. Yes, D2’s nose is out of joint, but she couldn’t afford to come along, the two girls discussed that in advance. And no, at this point, D2 won’t get a gift equivalent to what I paid there, for D1. Will I “take” her someplace for “Mom and Girl time?” Sure. But not at that level. Not at this point, when she isn’t managing money well. That’s not “tough Mom.” We’re close, but the history of bailing her out, since college, is still fresh. It’s multi times what D1 has gotten.

This issue will arise again, as we all want a Christmas vacation, partners included.

Some have said here, “Fair isn’t always equal.” But the full expression adds, “And equal isn’t always fair.”

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And adding…one of our kids is getting married this year. We are not giving the other a check in an equal amount to what we are spending on the wedding. If that second kiddo gets married…we will give money for that wedding or whatever.

If the second kid looks like no marriage is going to happen…we will gift the money for that kid to use as a down payment on a house…or whatever!

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D2 got very little for her wedding- that was just the circumstances, a simple but elegant event. D1 would probably get something more. But again, that’s in recognition of how little D1 has asked for, since college. And not tens of thousands of dollars. In part, this is our family style. D1 would prefer less hubbub and help with a house deposit. I’ve told both they will get that. Not an outright sum to cover it, but a partnering.

Frankly, who knows how things will change, over the next few years?

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@thumper1 captures exactly how we think about it: “I think the key isn’t how much you give or spend. The key is don’t play favorites.”

We have supported each kid as they launched into adulthood and if a gun were to my head, I couldn’t tell you who we spent more on up to the present. We didn’t count holiday gift boxes when they were little or give the non-birthday kid a gift on sib’s birthday. Each received educational support as indicated. We hosting DD’s wedding; we will see how DS’s life unfolds and proceed accordingly.

Both are grateful for our support and generosity; if anyone wants to start adding, my small violin is at the ready. They know we are here and while needs/circumstances can vary over time, our approach is steadfast and in keeping with our priorities.

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But at what point do you offer that money to the unmarried one? My mom got married long after her sibs had long given up on that idea and I have a friend whose first (and only wedding) happened when she was close to 50. Not sure the message here is some money since you are never getting married is ever easy to hear.

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This thing of childrearing is less about numbers and more about loving and guiding equally. You want each individual to become a solid young adult who grows into a solid adult, a good partner and eventually a good parent.

I have trouble describing why I lean a little more generous with D1, (in philosophy, as she asks for so little.) Frankly, I’m still “momming” D2, though more at a distance, as befits her age and as she evolves. And it took some counseling to get there. I love both to the moon and back and they know it.

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“Not sure the message here is some money since you are never getting married is ever easy to hear.”

I think at some age, perhaps in the mid-30s as another poster suggested, you say something like,“Hey son/daughter, we gave your sibling some $$ when they got married. We want you to know that we have money set aside for you as well. It can be used for anything, doesn’t need to be for a wedding, so if you would like it now, we’d be happy to gift it to you.”

I don’t think most adult children would be upset with a message along those lines. Not everyone even wants to get married.

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@lookingforward What you’re expressing is actually the opposite of a lot of what I’ve seen, including stuff mentioned in this thread. Usually it is the parents favoring and supporting the less launched child. It’s a relationship of codependency with the parents liking the role of feeling needed and the adult child not launching and becoming self-sufficient because they keep getting assistance. In most cases, the adult child who can’t support themselves becomes the favored child over the responsible children and that is when a lot of resentment sets in, IMO.

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Both numbers are well above median income, so it is not like either one would be starving.

What would the concern be, if there is no perception of favoritism in providing opportunities to one but limiting opportunities to the other, so that any difference in this area is seen as the result of choice, ability, and effort on the part of each kid?

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“I don’t know how we will feel if one kid makes $80k and one makes $280k!”

In our family, we have income disparities greater than that. None of the six of us had major health issues, but several of us made very dumb choices. Parents chose who to bail out or reward based on somewhat arbitrary criteria; although there may have been more to it, all the kids perceived it as using money to control and rewarding favorites. But instead of the money resulting in getting a kid through a rough patch, it seemed to result in the opposite - creating dependency and people who never really matured into adulting.

When we were growing up, the unequal funding was very hurtful. As an adult, I try to be appreciative of the fact that knowing someone wouldn’t be there to bail me out caused me to develop strong self-reliance and is a good part of why I’m so financially successful, so I’m grateful for that result. With my own kids, I am careful to be fair but not totally equal. We’re also very open about money discussions and why we are making the choices we make. So far, the boys are close to each other and very supportive of each other without being jealous, because we’ve helped create that dynamic. They know it’s not a zero sum game and we work together as a family.

As good as our intentions are, though, we sometimes mess things up unintentionally. When our oldest son first mentioned his top choice college, we jokingly told him that if he wanted to go there it would cost both his and his brother’s college fund and that his brother would have to become a plumber. After oldest was admitted to said college, younger brother first was happy for him then looked visibly concerned and asked if that meant he’d need to be a plumber… Reminded me that some things we probably shouldn’t joke about.

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Sometimes fair is giving everyone the same dollar amount, sometimes it’s giving them the same thing. (Both my kids got a college education - but the costs weren’t exactly the same.) Sometimes a kid needs more. My younger son got to live under our roof and be fed by us when he was getting intern wages, and then when he was studying for Officer Candidates School and then waiting to actually go to OCS. (Unbelievably slow process!) I think when siblings have different numbers of kids - household presents should be approximately the same, but presents to the actual grandkids should be individual. Airfare or hotel rooms for larger families will be more. That’s just the way it is.

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Well, no. We aren’t giving equally and I’m ok with that. My son is going to college and we have saved up to pay for his education (including vet school). We want him starting out with no debt, or little. It hasn’t been a hardship on us. He has worked hard and is doing well. Daughter, turned down college and a scholarship for a guy, has legal issues we are dealing with (and paying for), has dropped out of school 3 times leaving us with the tuition bill (luckily CC and only a couple of classes and a trade school). She only works 3 days a week and makes bad decisions. If we give her money it goes to the wrong places. So, no we don’t give her a lot. We did just get her a used car because her old one was falling apart and unsafe to drive to work. (same year as son’s car).

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Some of these stories remind me of a favorite saying … Money problems rarely are about money.

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@doschicos, my dad is giving some of the most important items in the family (we’re talking about sentimental value, not monetary) to one of the granddaughters. Same branch of the family tree as the sister who is getting a paid-for house, though the niece is a totally delightful person and is in no way trying to manipulate the situation.

Some of the sibs have indeed discussed the way things are going to one part of the family and there are very hurt feelings. When I was designated co-executor of Dad’s estate (with the favored sister), I had a chat with him about equity and acknowledging the efforts of other sibs, and he ignored me. I decided not to be co-executor and let it go. He is sowing seeds of conflict. I will use whatever share I get to acknowledge my two other sibs and nieces who have gone above and beyond for Mom and Dad over the years. That much I can control.

BTW, thanks for the thoughtful comments. I don’t always express my feelings to my kids, and this conversation has been a reminder to do so more often. Starting today.

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And sometimes it’s not even about the same thing.

DD needed braces on her teeth. Her brother had the best and straightest teeth on the planet. We didn’t give brother money to make up for his sister’s braces.

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Thanks for the comments on the $80k-$280k disparity. I can see some of our kids being solidly middle class in smaller towns where they will be able to buy a home on that income and have a nice life. Then I can see another kid living in an HCOL area and making easily 3-4 times what the others make. I have not yet experienced that disparity to see how i would feel, it’s interesting to hear from those of you who have.

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I have tried to formulate a response to this thread several times but can’t seem to really wrap my mind around the issue of making things equal and fair bc there are way too many factors at play. Right now my kids are still all at home - only oldest is in college so we haven’t even gotten to paying for adult kids.

That said, just got two cards in the mail from MIL. One was for ds whose birthday was in early January. The other was for dd whose birthday is this week. I’m fairly sure that ds probably forgot that he never got anything from MIL for his birthday but now it will be very obvious that she forgot it. LOL At least she’s trying to be equitable…at least b/w my own kids. Certainly not compared to her other grandkids.

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Somemom, our sons are likely to have a significant disparity, too. They don’t talk about it, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue at the moment.

But to look at the disparity down the road, DH and I make significantly more than my sibs and their spouses. People understand the COL in different parts of the country, so the price of housing isn’t a big conflict. We have similar sized houses, but ours (20 years older and not upgraded) is 3-4x the price because of location. Where the difference became uncomfortable was when my sons, nieces and nephews started looking at colleges.

Full-pay privates cost more than my sibs’ and spouses’ gross incomes. We were getting FA with two in school, DH works for the govt and I was home on unpaid disability. Solidly middle class but feeling real pain paying for college. We at least had the option to consider private schools. Those were never on the table for my nieces and nephews, even for my niece with insane grades, scores and ECs. It was state school/merit/GI Bill/ROTC funding, or no college at all. My sons were bothered by both the educational and financial inequity – living in a high COL area got us better public schools and more opportunities as they were growing up.

Otherwise, there are some topics DH and I don’t discuss much with my sibs, esp. vacations. As for quality of life – my youngest sister and BIL have us beat hands-down. They have renovated most of their house themselves, have a boat, are looking at land for a lake house, and are exquisitely tied in to their community and BIL’s family – and do it on a much lower income. Her son, DIL and grandchildren live three miles away, she teaches kindergarten and will retire with a full pension at 57, just as her daughter is about ready to start a family. This sister is the one who came and did all kinds of work on my house after my heart attack and who has also been schlepping for years down to help my mom and now my dad. (This is why I am upset at my dad’s disparate treatment – she and my youngest brother are getting short shrift.)

I expect the next big disparity will be retirement income. Two of us have it, the other three don’t. My dad won’t be able to help anyone with that problem.

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My folks tried to be as fair as possible to each child and in-law and grandkid in terms of gifts. They’ve mostly stopped giving gifts or money these days. They did gift one on my sisters a condo (which sister rents out) and no one else. They also only attended two college graduations—out of 7! It’s their money and most of us are fine with it but at least one of my sisters is unhappy and feels it is unfair.

H’s family was good about sharing their estates equally among all survivors. While they were alive, they tried to be fair, tho my sister-in-law did favor my son and my niece over their younger siblings.

I am grateful that so far my H’s and my family have been spared these prolonged bad feelings and splits based on obvious favortism (or neglect).

H and I have always tried to be fair with our kids, providing according to needs we perceive our kids have. We don’t and have never counted the # of gifts to be sure they get similar #s of gifts and our kids haven’t ever either. We also don’t feel we have to gift identical amounts.

Both were given a paid for private HS & college education—S was awarded 1/2 tuition merit award for very high test scores, NMF and grades. D didn’t get any merit awards but left HS after only 3 years and only spent 3.5 years in sane expensive private U. Both are very grateful they graduated debt-free. We have not equalized by gifting S the value of his merit awards.

We gave S a party for achieving Eagle Scout rank. D didn’t get a party or the $$ just because S earned a party and gifts. If she had earned something to celebrate and wanted a party, we’d have thrown one.

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My H and I are the ones who make the smaller amount and his brother makes at least 4 or 5 times as much.

I don’t think it really changes anything. H and I do just fine, thank you very much. No we don’t have the million dollar vacation home and no we can’t afford the expensive vacations and the big house and the fancy cars. But we sent both of the kids to college and they aren’t paying off any loans (we are). We are now saving for retirement and will do ok, on target for that.

My H’s parents haven’t treated anyone differently. If anything, they have always given more time to the other family. They live near them and helped a lot with child care and many other things.

But H and I are the ones, the il’s count on. We are the ones who make sure things are going ok and I’m the one mil calls. But we have never received or asked for anything. The il’s have never taken us on vacation where they paid either. We have always received the same amount for Christmas. I have to say, my bil has 3 kids, we have 2. I have never once thought that we were shortchanged by them getting more than us.

In fact, I feel bad for mil. She did a lot for her son and wife and they seem very unappreciative.

My il’s are doing very well these days, they’ve lived under their means and invested well. H and I aspire to live like them (maybe travel more).

You know, I have a much stronger marriage, better launched kids and my life is great. Money doesn’t make you happy, I’ve seen that up close and personal.