<p>I attempted to make sure that my kids knew that school was top priority – for example, by not letting my son work at his part-time job on school nights while he was in high school. I also tried to find out about long-term projects and make sure that they weren’t left to the last minute, but that was more for my sanity than for the kids’ benefit. </p>
<p>One of my kids puts far more academic pressure on herself than I would ever have considered putting on her.</p>
<p>We try to set high expectations that are commensurate with their intellectual abilities. I made clear that my highest priorities were that they learn, learn to learn independently, and do a really good job relative to their abilities. I also made clear that getting good grades was not the same as learning (they are often but not always correlated) but that while they were in high school, there was a game of getting good grades that was important for reasons other than learning.</p>
<p>Both kids are quite different but both have rather high IQ’s and learning disabilities. The older kid, with dyslexia, sets such high standards for himself that we had to teach him to recognize when he was going to collapse due to physical fatigue. One of his strategies was to get an A+ in every course in the first quarter and then ask the teacher to let him reorganize what he had to do to match his abilities and learning style. He’s applying to college now and his recommendations reflect his intelligence and drive. One teacher says he’s never had a student excel in so many diverse areas. He is sufficiently bright in some dimensions that my expectations for him are pretty high and I try to keep him intellectually stimulated. Was I tough on him? Probably only in communicating high expectations and in getting used to his performance. </p>
<p>My second kid is much more extrinsically motivated. She wanted to attend the very selective and very expensive private HS in our town rather than the very good, but free public high school that my son attended. I thought it could be a good thing because her peer group would be serious students (whereas at the public HS, she could get a great education but there was a risk that she would also fall in with a group of girls whose primary interests were clothes and boys but not academics). I told her that I’d be willing to pay the tuition only if she worked really hard and would discuss with me how she was doing (in general) or on particular assignments rather than saying it was none of my business. She’s midway through sophomore year and her best friends are very serious students. The teachers in freshman year held the bar high for her and she sometimes but not always cleared the bar. This year, she’s really matured and is dealing with the anxiety/ADD very effectively and her work ethic and study skills have improved substantially. I’m waiting for first semester final grades to evaluate performance. But, I think they will be good. Am I tough with her? I guess so. </p>
<p>I don’t require my kids to get jobs to earn money. We don’t have a formal curfew, although we monitor what’s happening. They don’t have specific required chores. We probably need to teach them more about how to live (e.g., fold laundry, clean toilets, change a tire, etc.) before they go to college. We let them know that drinking is illegal (and dangerous if done to excess), that drugs are illegal and generally a bad idea (especially for kids with anxiety or frail systems), and that they should be honest and treat people with respect. I don’t expect that they won’t drink before they go to college – I just want to make sure it is done in a safe way. I also don’t expect that they won’t have sex before they go to college (though I’d prefer that my daughter wait until she is a lot more mature and less susceptible to peer pressure). I did tell my son that he a) should always use contraception and b) treat his partners with respect. Are we tough here? I suspect we’re pretty liberal.</p>
<p>Interesting thread. I remember my niece (now 31) telling me that my brother wasn’t tough enough on her. He celebrated every tiny thing she did whether it was a good choice or not. I was single at the time but did notice it. Now that I have a family, I do keep the bar pretty high and we do discipline, rules, etc. Our son is brighter than I am so I expect more achievement out of him than I did of myself. Same with our daughter. We’ll see…parenting sure is alot of trial and error!</p>
<p>I just asked our college Junior son. He says that, when he was in high school, he thought I was “tough” on him. (We live in a community where students don’t reach very high, and I believed that he could, by choosing rigorous courses and applying himself, avail himself of a good education in spite of the prevailing culture.) Now, with the benefit of hindsight, he doesn’t think I was “tough” at all, just giving him good advice.</p>
<p>Thanks for posing the question. This was a nice conversation to have had.</p>