<p>Do you put a lot of pressure on them to succeed?</p>
<p>Our 3 kids are the most successful people I know, but I don’t think we’ve ever put any pressure on them to succeed. We worked really hard at keeping their natural curiosity and enthusiasm alive (schools have a way of killing it once sitting down and being quiet become the primary goals instead of exploration and discovery), and we’ve bent over backwards to facilitate their urges to dive into things about which they’ve developed passions. From the time they were very young, we cut stories out of the newspaper to discuss at the dinner table and tried to make a game out of learning. Our extended family likes to get into loud, jovial debates, so reading up on issues and developing opinions was always a must before vacations and holidays. I’m sure a lot of people in our town probably believe that we’ve driven our kids to compile resumes, but in fact, all we’ve ever tried to do was to role model and encourage enthusiasm. They built the resumes on their own.</p>
<p>Yes, we do. My husband and I work very hard at our jobs, and we don’t expect any less of our children.</p>
<p>For parents who have achieved a certain degree of success in their professional and social lives, that alone can put pressure on kids. Seems like we spent a lot of time trying to counter the pressure that comes from schools, coaches, peers etc. while still making sure our kids had the opportunities they wanted and deserved.<br>
On occasion, I may have put some pressure on when I should have loosened the grip a little. Hindsight 20/20 and all that…</p>
<p>We do our Son. We expect him to try his very best to be a happy, healthy, productive member of society. But that’s how we define a success. Our definition will differ from most here.</p>
<p>OH YA! I “make” him get off of X box after a certain # of hours. He has to do cleaning/bathroom/vaccuming…He empties the dishwasher daily. But studies…as long as his grades that come in on e-mail from his teachers are good (A-ish) them my REAL job is to prepare him to be a good spouse. Oh --I am a therapist…</p>
<p>I think I was pretty tough on my daughter. She and I just spoke about this subject tonight in connection with another child (18 year old) and how this child’s parent was probably not tough enough. I agree with MomofWildChild and hindsight is 20/20 wondering if I was too tough. I don’t think so. It depends on the child. Some need more toughness than others do.</p>
<p>When they were young I expected them to do their homework and do their best in school and whatever they participated in. My 2 girls are self-motivated and I do not pressure them at all, I try to get my youngest D to stress less about things. My son cares less about his school work, so I put more effort into keeping him on track. Judging by other parents, I am not very tough on him though. I do expect him to get a job this summer now that he is 16. He has no interest in driving because there is nowhere he wants to go. To me success will be supporting themselves in a career they enjoy.</p>
<p>I set an example, and have an expectation, of my son being respectful, compassionate, loving, and contributing to society in work that is either paid or unpaid. Beyond that, it’s up to him and it always has been. </p>
<p>Like a lot of kids, he’s always been tough on himself. We’ve tried very hard to counter-balance that with total acceptance, love and providing a soft place to land. </p>
<p>I’ve always hoped that my son would grow to be a man at peace with himself. I still do.</p>
<p>My parents did absolute nothing to pressure me. They never checked my grades, never asked for HW, never went to one of my football games or track meets, no occasional visits to my academic league competitions. Nothing at all. They didn’t save a dime for my education and I doubt they really ever thought about it. It is pretty crazy to hear a lot of the comments above because I cant even imagine my parents doing any of that. But I turned out ok. I cant imagine what I would be like today if my parents treated me like you guys treat your children.</p>
<p>Mach12 Your post broke my heart! Every child deserves attention and recognition for their activities and accomplishments. I commend you for participating in all those activities and finding your place without that special parental support. I am glad that you have turned out ok, and I hope you have or will find close friends who will supply the support you need in life.</p>
<p>I, too, never pressured my two kids, beyond expecting them to fulfill their obligations in school and to be kind, compassionate people. My H and I were there to make sure they were able to explore their many interests. We did everything we could to give them an interesting home environment – two daily newspapers, lots of books/educational-type magazines, fast internet connection when that became available, frequent museum visits and trips to great (but inexpensive) places whenever we could. They both are excellent students, athletes and musicians, by their own choice.</p>
<p>If anything, we pressured them to do less and take some time to smell the roses (the prairie roses that grow in our huge native plant garden, naturally!).</p>
<p>I like to think we were not pressure cooker parents, but in reality we encouraged activity and achievement. I did my share of yelling and screaming… but I put ‘positive pressure’ on the boys … they are doing well… However, at a certain point, it does have to become their lives … All in all, embedded, engaged, encourageing, settign goals is probably better than 'hands off"</p>
<p>I try to be encouraging but not stressful- unfortunately if I * look* at one- that is too much pressure.
Hence I am all but banned at swim meets, soccer tournaments etc.
kinda puts a crimp in perfecting my scowl.</p>
<p>I gave a short answer above. we put pressure on our girls to do their best. As their parent, I am very in tune with what they are capable of doing. Our girls have been fortunate that they have had a good life growing up. It is more of a reason I expect them to work hard on their schoolwork and any ECs they are involved in (there is no reason to do a half a*s job on anything).</p>
<p>We require our D1 to have a job in college even though she has enough spending money. It is important she doesn’t try to get her first job with an empty resume. I also don’t want her to be soft, and be perceived as a spoiled child. </p>
<p>Our D2 has a lot of interest in writing and music. She asked to take piano and violin lessons in third grade. Our requirement of her was she had to practice at least .5 hour a day for us to pay for the lessons, and there is no quiting in the middle of semester. She did both for 8 years then finally quite violin when she couldn’t keep up with her end of the bargain. She decided she loved playing piano more than violin.</p>
<p>Both of our girls went to private schools (D2 is still in HS) because our D1 was not happy at our local school, she asked if she could go to a private school. We agreed we would pay for it if they would work hard and not get in trouble. Our reason was there is no reason for us to sacrifice as a family if they were going to be cavalier about it. It is the way we are with D1 now in college. She must have a certain GPA for us to pay for her college.</p>
<p>We have told our kids since they were in HS that we would not support them after college. I am not sure if we would completely not help out, but I believe if they do not have the pressure of having to be self sufficient they wouldn’t have the incentive to work hard to plan for their future.</p>
<p>We may put pressure on our kids, but they also know we are their biggest supporters. We have never missed their recitals, even when they are thousands miles away. When our D1 feel stressed or sick in college, all she wants is to come home. I am the first one she calls when she is upset. We are the soft place for them to fall, but our objective is not to provide such a good life for them that they never want to leave home.</p>
<p>We all perform better with right amount of pressure. I see that everyday at work. I think it’s unproductive when parents put unnecessary pressure on their kids to do the impossible. At the same time, I also think the parents that say “do whatever makes you happy” is also taking the easy way out, they are not doing what’s right by their children.</p>
<p>We always ask the same question “did you do the best you could do?”. If the answer is yes, that is fine. If the answer is no…well…they kids have some work to do. Both have a nice internal drive to do the best they can do. Do they get all A’s? No? Do they get every honor for which they strive? No. Do they sometimes say “gee, I could have done more work to achieve this goal”. Yes. But they both have good work ethics, and are polite, kind people. </p>
<p>We were the “tough” parents before they went to college though…homework time every night…“involvement” with the schools even through high school…curfews…no car use rules, etc.</p>
<p>We expected our girls to do their best, and we made clear where “out of bounds” began. But we also believe that it times time to develop a child into an adult, so we weren’t dogmatic about what sorts of things they tried or enjoyed. Yes we could use a practicing lawyer in the family, but we weren’t going to chose that “lucky child” while she was still in the womb.</p>
<p>Our older D had lots of problems growing up and some of those problems continued after she grew up. We did some pushing with minimal success. We never pushed our younger D. We gave her opportunities and got out of the way. She pushes herself. I am firmly convinved that leading by example has a lot of effect but not much else has any effect. Our kids have there own personalities and pushing will do little good. </p>
<p>I understand this prinicple in theory but the practice can be a bit difficult. When I am tempted to start directing and pushing, I remind myself of teaching our first child to walk. I would stand her up and let her balance by leaning against a piece of furniture. I tried and tried to encourage her to take her first steps. Why, I have no idea. I guess I thought I was helping her get an early start on life. In any case, none of the pushing and encouragement made any difference. She would just sit down and never tried to take a step. Then - on her first birthday - I watched as she rolled a ball across the kitchen floor. She would roll the ball, crawl and roll it again. After about the tenth time, I watched her sit and think. She stood up and ran across the kitchen to get the ball. I don’t think she ever crawled again. Yup, kids do what they want, when they are ready. It could be that even adults act pretty much the same way.</p>
<p>I’m reasonable tough but my husband is somewhat liberal when it comes to raising kids. Together as a couple we balance our child raising strategy.</p>
<p>No, I don’t think I’m tough enough, and I think my kids are all quite lazy where school is concerned. I ask about homework and tests, and help if I’m asked, sometimes I nag about homework and studying, I try to encourage reading (not one of my children likes to read), I encourage (but don’t force) extracurricular activities, I check grades regularly, I make resources available and I attend the kids’ sporting events, concerts, school open houses and the like. I feel like I’m doing MY job. None of my children is particularly self-motivated, though. I do see my high school daughter getting a little better, but I doubt it will be enough/soon enough for her to truly reach her potential in high school. Hubby (who doesn’t have any problem with our kids’ laziness in school), thinks, because he didn’t buckle down until graduate school and he’s still extremely successful, that there’s no need for the kids to be pushed in high school. He says it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I disagree, but without him to back me up, there’s no sense in me being tough - it’ll just be a waste of my time.</p>
<p>No, I don’t think I’m tough enough, and I think my kids are all quite lazy where school is concerned. I ask about homework and tests, and help if I’m asked, sometimes I nag about homework and studying, I try to encourage reading (not one of my children likes to read), I encourage (but don’t force) extracurricular activities, I check grades regularly, I make resources available and I attend the kids’ sporting events, concerts, school open houses and the like. I feel like I’m doing MY job. None of my children is particularly self-motivated, though. I do see my high school daughter getting a little better, but I doubt it will be enough/soon enough for her to truly reach her potential in high school. Hubby (who doesn’t have any problem with our kids’ laziness in school), thinks, because he didn’t buckle down until graduate school and he’s still extremely successful, that there’s no need for the kids to be pushed in high school. He says it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I disagree, but without him to back me up, there’s no sense in me being tough - it’ll just be a waste of my time.</p>