<p>Hi everyone. In about a month I will head off to college (YAY!!). I will be attending a large top 30 school. Anyways, here’s my question. I was born with cleft lip/palate so my life has a scar and my voice is nasally. However, on top of that, my family has a history of mental illness that I had to deal with in HS. This took away a lot of my social experience and Im somewhat introverted because of it. On top of that, my parents were in the middle of a really nasty divorce throughout HS and I spend lots of time dealing with that and helping my younger sister through it. Im a nice guy, social, athletic, but I sort of missed the whole HS experience. I’ve never drank and I feel like a complete loser because of that. Also, Im not really sure how to make friends or how to approach girls. Im social, but shy when it comes to meeting new people. If anyone has some advice, that would be great!!</p>
<p>Keep the nose the grindstone, get the degree, get out and make money…you’ll be fine.</p>
<p>One of the nice things about college is it gives you the freedom to do what you want to do/be who you want to be.</p>
<p>Develop self confidence, meet new people, explore new opportunities. You’ll be fine. Try to join some clubs in your major/interests. Don’t be afraid to strike up random conversations with people sitting next to you in class. Don’t over-think it, just let it happen naturally.</p>
<p>if you feel like a complete loser for having not drank as a high school student, you are too immature and impressionable to be successful in college anyway!</p>
<p>It’ll affect your college life if you aren’t able to deal with the mental baggage you’re carrying. No one knows your past.</p>
<p>@Emaheevul07: I came from a HS where EVERYONE drank, and people that didn’t were almost always social outcasts (a few rare exceptions that I don’t wanna get into for privacy reasons). My general area is also known for the high amount of drinking among HS students. The parents look the other way. </p>
<p>Also, will people look down on me because I have cleft lip/palate. I know I can avoid telling anyone about my screwed up family life, but my clp is harder to avoid.</p>
<p>There was a boy in my HS with a clp, and his voice was also nasally. Sure, a lot of people made fun of him, but genuine people respected him and didn’t treat him any differently than someone without it. Since you’ll be away from the immaturity of high school, maybe it won’t be as big a deal.</p>
<p>Thanks xsteven!! Also, will getting a gf be next to impossible because of my deformity?</p>
<p>I don’t see how that’s relevant. I was short in my response because I was posting from a mobile device, but had I been able to elaborate I was just going to say that if you are going to cave that easily to peer pressure you are going to be in trouble-- it’s not the fact that you want to drink, but that you value yourself less, you called yourself a loser, because seemingly everybody drinks except you. The “but everybody does it” mentality really needs to die somewhere in the mid-teens. I hope you are able to be less externally influenced when you get to school-- that would improve your self-esteem by leaps and bounds and make it much easier to socialize. You need to work on being a little less concerned about what the other kids are doing and worry more about what you have to offer and how you’re going to show it. That’s just part of growing up, and you’ll be a much happier person once you can reach that point. Maybe counseling would help you do that if you need it.</p>
<p>I am not sure how people will react to the cleft lip/palate. I’ve actually never seen that before. Based on my experience with my own health issues, I would guess that most people are going to act like they don’t even see it. I don’t think anyone will look down on you. A few people who for whatever reason have not been around people who look a little different much may act a little weird about it at first, sometimes people do that when common sense fails them and they feel like they don’t know how to be socially appropriate. In any case, I would guess it’s not going to be extraordinarily different from how people usually react now.</p>
<p>yeah, I know that my confidence level isn’t too high. HS sure didn’t help with that. Everyone ignored me in HS because I looked weird and they didn’t understand when I had to tell them that I couldn’t hang out because I had to deal w/ my family. Will people be more accepting in college of my cleft lip/palate? Will girls actually look at me? Im athletic, good build, clean skin, about 5’10 and 160 pounds, so physically everything else is ok. I actually look quite a bit like joaquin phoenix but the scar is slightly worse.</p>
<p>We really can’t tell you how people at your school will react. I mean, I’m sure people won’t blatantly stare and laugh in your face, but they might glance? The guy in my HS’s clp was pretty bad/obvious and he still had the happiest demeanor. Compared to how you portray your HS, I do think people in college will be more accepting. I’m sure there are some people who choose friends based on personality rather than appearance. If your anxiety over this doesn’t dissipate within a few weeks into the semester, I really do think you should go to a few counseling sessions just to see if they’d help. I’m interested in hearing from you about how everything turns out–I can sympathize with what you’re feeling.</p>
<p>Most (nice) girls wouldn’t care about the scar. It’s something to be proud of, because you’ve overcome adversity, you’re going to a good college and you want to be social. I’m someone that has a rather disheartening past and self confidence issues, therapy helps a ton, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you do decide to go.</p>
<p>Oh, and you can be the most average person in the world and still have romantic relationships, as long as you’re demeanor is happy, and you don’t focus on your flaws, but your assets.</p>
<p>If you don’t let it affect you, then it won’t affect your college life. I was also very shy in high school. Something that helped me make friends in college is just smiling and making eye contact.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the advice everyone!! I know having friends will probably be more doable in college. Im more worried about how girls will act towards me so I’ve devised the following plan</p>
<p>I know confidence is important but so are looks. I plan on making my slightly crooked teeth straighter, getting them whitened, and then undergoing laser treatment to fix my cleft lip scar and some minor acne scarring. I also plan on doing speech therapy to fix my nasally voice. After all that treatment, I should look a lot like joaquin phoenix. People say I look like him now, minus the above differences. However, I know lots of girls that won’t date him because of the scar on his lip. Will girls still be mean to me simply because of a scar even if I have good other facial features and the body of a top athlete? I know $$$$ and power fixes everything when it comes to women but in college, I won’t have money…ugh</p>
<p>Shallow girls? Probably. Nice girls that don’t have their head shoved up the wrong end won’t.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone!! I few more replies would b good though :)</p>
<p>I was about to ask why didn’t you undergo the surgery, but looks like you already have. How bad does the scar look? In either case, you really shouldn’t let that bother you. College generally has a more mature population than high school and there’s much more freedom in choosing who you want to hang with and what groups to belong to. You sound really nice in your posts; I doubt you’ll have trouble making friends. Improve your appearance if you wish, but don’t forget that personality goes a long way (and it looks like you have the looks anyway). Good luck with your top30 school, I’m sure your quality of like will improve there.</p>
<p>It’s all about attitude. I know of a few people from college who had disabilities and deformities (cp, deafness, dwarfism, etc) and still have girlfriends/boyfriends and very fulfilling lives. If you take your “flaws” in stride – and even learn to maybe look at them in a humorous/lighthearted way – I think it’ll be a step in the right direction.</p>
<p>If you come across as genuine, fun-loving, happy, and confident, you will have little trouble making friends. If you come across as socially withdrawn, self-conscious, cold-mannered, afraid, etc – it’ll be harder. If you act like there’s nothing anyone should be worrying about, then nobody will worry.</p>
<p>That being said, it’ll definitely help to fix yourself up if you can – but even if you can’t achieve the result you want, don’t let that stop you. College is a blank slate for a lot of people. You can leave behind a lot of emotional abuse and sadness you may have experienced – treat it as an old life you don’t have to deal with anymore.</p>