<p>Yeah, I know; it’s a really upbeat title. Sorry. This is something that I do think about from time to time.</p>
<p>Do you plan to live near your children, and rely on them? Have you purchased long-term care insurance? Do your genes and your life style suggest you won’t make it that long? Do you plan to live in an assisted living community?</p>
<p>Or, like many of us, do you have your head in the sand and assume that you’ll never be alone and never get frail?</p>
<p>A) Probably will live that long…long lived relations on both sides.</p>
<p>B) Life 50 yrs from now won’t be like now. We’ll have robotic nurses, virtual doctors, and imitation pets and food (check out elderly care in Japan for a sneak peek). </p>
<p>C) We’ll probably all be Soylent Green any way…speaking of upbeat ideas!</p>
<p>D) Actually, we’ll all have gov’t health care, be living in ‘facilities’, and be too busy playing tennis with our stem-cell improved, bionic, vitamin-fortified, collegen-enhanced bodies to worry about it. </p>
<p>Seriously, my dh and I have planned pretty well for that future time and, as I stated elsewhere, I’ll jump in front of a train before I become a burden to my child.</p>
<p>DH and I just purchased long term care insurance. He’s 62 and I’m 56. It was a tough decision but, had we waited much longer, the premiums would have been unaffordable, I’m afraid.</p>
<p>We don’t want our children to have to look after us when we can’t do it for ourselves. We’ve considered the possiblity of an assisted living community, but it’s really hard to imagine right now while we’re middle-aged. So much depends on whether we could find a good one that we would feel comfortable in. It’s all quite a gamble but taking out that LTC policy has made us breathe a little easier.</p>
<p>Unlike Novelisto, I haven’t really done much planning. Probably just not as smart. Also, my well-laid plans rarely come to fruition.</p>
<p>My main plan right now is working until 70 (at least) and then going from there.</p>
<p>We have no enforced retirement in college teaching, and my dept. is probably the only place where 50+ is still an ingenue (and I’ve been there for 23 years!)</p>
<p>It is something I have started thinking about more lately. My parents in law (late 80s) are both in a nursing home. It is such a depressing place. They are looked after well but it just seems like a warehouse of people waiting to die. My Mother in law is not with it mentally so it is less sad seeing her there as she is not really aware. My father in law is with it mentally so it is very sad seeing him there as so many of the other people are out of it mentally. Tried having someone 24 hours in their home but that did not work out. My sister in law was told she could be done for elder abuse if she left them home alone as they are not in a fit condition to be left alone which was impossible for her. The first time we went to visit with my daughter (18) I looked at her afterwards and said ‘just shoot me’. My son’s (21) reaction was that he would write his kids out of his will if they put him in a nursing home. But there was not much choice. And the will will not be much of an issue after a few more months in the nursing home.</p>
<p>Then my own Mum (mid 80s) recently was treated for cancer. I was home in England for 6 weeks taking care of her. After the surgery she had an odd reaction where she became paranoid - apparently not unusual with surgery and meds but reminded me of my Mum in Law and her dementia (people trying to kill her, kidnap her etc). Quite frightening and made me worry about what will happen as time passes.</p>
<p>I was never really scared of growing old - I am more so now. Kind of hope I am one of the suddenly going in my sleep people (not just yet). So I guess I am burying my head in the sand right now.</p>
<p>Actually Mythmom, writers don’t retire either. We just drop dead over edits and cheesecake – I hope. So as long as the brain and fingers are nimble, I’ll keep working. My dh is the smart one who plans for everything and I just nod a lot and read it all over later.</p>
<p>“…Or, like many of us, do you have your head in the sand and assume that you’ll never be alone and never get frail?”</p>
<p>My field is bioethics and I find most people seem to assume their medical future will work out fine without any effort on their part. Consequently, ethics committees (strangers) are often the ones who decide on behalf of a patient what the patient would have wanted if s/he were competent to decide. Sure, opinions from family members are considered, but committee members are aware that family members can have undisclosed interests in a particular outcome (i.e. inheritance). Everyone should assume they will at some point be ineligible to make decisions for themselves, so they need a legal document that elucidates who they appoint to make medical, legal, financial and other decisions on their behalf (one person, a group of people, different people for medical and financial decisions etc.) Otherwise, one us in effect choosing to leave these vital decisions to strangers in committees and courtrooms.</p>
<p>I come from a tough family who all die in the 90’s or later. My husband is older and comes from a frail family. I fully expect to outlive him by a lot. Luckily I have a lot of family nearby and good friends. My kids also are near so I don’t plan on being lonely.</p>
<p>We have long term health insurance because I do NOT want to be a burden on the kids, either financially or having to take care of me. I have also told them that should I become unable to express my wishes, that they are not to prolong my life in any way. We were talking about this at lunch with coworkers. One has a MIL with alzheimer’s who is in her 90’s. The doctor gave her a flu shot and I said that if that were me, I would prefer the flu.</p>
<p>When DS was around 10, he came up with a list of life goals, that he saved on our computer; his list included (besides “Becoming rich”): “Buy Mom a house on Maui.” I still have his list and figure I’ll just hold him to it! ;)</p>
<p>Very tough topic. Even with the best care available, whether at home or in a facility, someone has to monitor what’s going on, get the elder to the MD, interpret what he has to say, etc. We went through protracted aging/dementia with 3 of our 4 parents and it “ain’t no picnic”. Both of our mothers insisted on staying at home with round the clock care which sounds great but we’re a 3 hour plane flight away and both situations were untenable. I swore to H up and down that I wouldn’t insist on being “independent” when that’s the last thing you are when you can’t even get to the potty without falling down. I have no prob going into assisted living but H swears he won’t. We’ll see. In the meantime, we bought long term healthcare insurance last year. I don’t want to depend on the kids.</p>
<p>My parents have discussed this with their children and we all concur the best thing to do would be for them to move in with one of us (whomever is in the best position to take care of them at the time) and we will all contribute to the expenses. I would refuse to allow my parents to live in a old age home and be neglected. Many of you say you refuse to be a burden on your children, but I refuse to let me parents be a burden on me, I will always put them first, they gave me life!</p>
<p>My living will forbids any antibiotics if my mental facilities and physical abilities are not intact and I am not “me” as a personality. No flu vaccines, no pneumonia vaccine. My friend pneumonia will get me sooner rather than later, I think, I hope. I am opposed to family and world resources warehousing me because I am still breathing.</p>
<p>Uri - it is not always that simple. For instance I live here in the US and my mother in England. No way could she move here with the cost of medical here. I have a brother but he and his wife both have to work.</p>
<p>My sister in law did move in with my parents in law for several years. When they finally became totally incapacitated 24 hour live in help was hired at a cost of several thousand $$s a month. When a caregiver suddenly left (family problems) My sister in law was literally threatened with being charged with elder abuse if she left them alone to go to work or go shopping.</p>
<p>Well, I envision two scenarios:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You’re really old, you’ve lived a good life, and you have a stroke. You can’t talk, you can’t walk, and you’re useless. That’s one (dramatic but realistic) scenario. Lots of us say, “At that point, pull the plug. No heroics.”</p></li>
<li><p>This worries me more, however: There’s the time when you’re alone. You’re widowed, and while you stayed active and involved for a long time, you’ve had to slow down. In fact, going outside has become a burden, and you don’t think you can safely drive anymore, since your eyesight’s starting to go and your reflexes suck. There’s no public transportation where you live or, if there is, it requires climbing onto a bus. Difficult. In other words, you can’t get out without help. Your kids live about two hours away and are busy with their own lives, their own children, their jobs, etc. You have neighbors, and they drop in from time to time, and call to ask if you need anything, but basically, you are alone.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>It’s this second scenario that scares me.</p>
<p>lorelei - that is a good idea to stipulate that in your living will. I plan to do the same. My mother in law is completely out of it mentally. She has a DNR but is in and out of hospital with pneumonia and other infections. I love her dearly but I often feel medical “progress” has gone too far in prolonging her life. I dread ending up completely mentally and physically incapacitated - I would rather be allowed to slip peacefully away.</p>
<p>BTW, my grandfather, who was completely blind for the last five years of his life, attempted suicide in his waning years. Unfortunately for him, he did not succeed. My father had plans to do the same, if he needed to. but he died fairly quickly from a massive heart attack.</p>
<p>What??? You mean my KIDS won’t be taking care of me when I’m 90 and alone???</p>
<p>Very Happy, that scenario #2 is one of those where getting yourself in the appropriate level of senior housing is essential. Some transport is provided, a little oversight, perhaps a dining hall where you can get a meal. The trick is figuring out when to make that transition. </p>
<p>I like the idea of refusing flu shots, pneumonia shots, which I hadn’t previously considered. However refusing a flu shot becomes a public health issue, as you don’t want to help spread the flu in facilities that care for the elderly.</p>
<p>I’m another one who will (assuming I can) end it when I can no longer take care of myself. We will be living in Oregon, which may be an advantage. I see no point whatsoever in wasting resources on this old bag of bones when they no longer function properly. But that’s many years away, I hope!</p>
<p>whoa… before everyone wigs out, realize you’re thinking about a situation that is out of your context of thinking at the present time. Right now, with good health and independence, it’s sickening to think of ending up in a nursing home. But believe it or not, there are people out there who, after living with family, ask to be moved to a nursing home, and are happy when they get there. I’ve said this before on other threads, but don’t judge a nursing home (or any facility) by its cover. I’ve seen some awesome facilities that looked like palaces, but the care was entirely neglectful. And I’ve seen some places that looked like the slums, but the staff bent over backwards for all the residents. </p>
<p>I know a couple who recently sold their family home and moved to a campus-like setting where there are three levels of care, from independent living (where they live now, as they are healthy), to assisted living, to skilled nursing care. It cost a lot of money to buy into it, but they told their adult children, this is where we’ll stay until we die; it won’t leave much left for an inheritance, but you also won’t have to worry about our living arrangements, or ability to be genuinely and skillfully cared for (or worry about attending to our personal care). Also, if one of them needs more skilled care than the other, the one can be moved to the nursing home portion, but the other one will be a walk’s away from visiting, so that they need not be completely separated.</p>
<p>I think where some of you have taken this to is speculation of some sort of dementia-based illness where you will need 24-hour care. This is not how it necessarily works (unless it’s in your genes and you’re just going to be prone to it). I know lots of senior citizens who live in nursing homes, and feel very appreciative of their lives, albeit with some sadness that many of their friends or family members have died before them.</p>