<p>If I found out my kid had participated in one of the latest racist parties or sexist events on campus, through the social media, there would be harsh financial consequences, and some sensitivity training, too.</p>
<p>What would you do if it was your kid?</p>
<p>This is a great thread!</p>
<p>I had to think hard about what I would do. Thank goodness I have never had to deal with this. This is my immediate reaction:</p>
<p>The kid would be immediately required to make public apologies.<br>
The kid would immediately resign from whatever group hosted the party/event. </p>
<p>I am guessing I would be on campus while this was happening. I am guessing I would concentrate on my own child’s misbehavior, not anyone else in the group. At that point I’m going to be pretty embarrassed to claim the university has responsibility over my child’s actions. If it is fraternity - I will be complaining loudly to the national organization.</p>
<p>Loss of any privileges really goes without saying. My husband and I would have to discuss whether we felt the child should be allowed to remain in school.</p>
<p>My children have been taught since early childhood not to pull stunts like this, so they really have no excuse.</p>
<p>If your “kid” is 18, there really isn’t much you can require of him, other than via threats to withhold financial support.</p>
<p>Also, if your child is truly contrite, is further punishment by you really warranted?</p>
<p>Putting aside for a moment that I live in a multiracial family and have a biracial daughter, I think I’d react much like alh would. I’ve spoken up-in a public setting, about racial intolerance and school bullying tied to race, on my D’s behalf. I don’t think I’d have a problem taking on other parents, a frat or sorority or a U itself over this if there was any justifying going on.</p>
<p>If one of my older (white) children had pulled a stunt as outlined above, I’d be beside myself. They’ve been raised, as I was, to understand that they’re in a special place of privilege and have no business mocking others. My take is similar to the one I took on a now-gone thread about speaking up when racism is involved: if you don’t say something, you’re part of the problem.</p>
<p>Because of my D’s experiences in school when she was younger, we are paying close attention to the way colleges treat race and racism. It’s one of the reasons she’s looking at HBCU’s.</p>
<p>For me, Bay, yes. More would be warranted. For others, maybe not.</p>
<p>I’m just asking.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine either of my girls participating in anything like this. So far, nothing like this and they are pretty grown up. But, I’m absolutely positive that there are parents out there who raised their kids to know better and do better, and they are seeing their kids in these situations.</p>
<p>I just wonder what you do.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Is it wrong of me to think this would be really out of line for a parent of an adult college student to do?</p>
<p>I’d be disappointed in a couple areas - firstly, that I didn’t appropriately cover this ground enough or somehow raised a kid who’s racist or insensitive, and secondly, that the kid doesn’t have enough good sense as to know what’s considered insensitive even if it’s not racist.</p>
<p>On these parties, I think a lot of the kids are simply being insensitive and not thinking and they’re not actually racist acts (but some people are being racist , of course). A lot of these ‘kids’, even though they may be 18 or 19 or thereabouts, don’t have enough life experience to have adequate sensibilities (in lots of areas) and we all know that at that age they’re not always thinking through the impact of what they’re doing. This includes doing caricaturist acts of other races or even one’s own race. It’s also not limited to whites making fun of other races - it could be any race making fun of stereotypes of another race (remember the old Saturday Night Live where Eddie Murphy impersonated a ‘white person’? I thought it was funny but if it was racially reversed there may have been some people offended). It extends beyond race as well to physical and mental disabilities and other features (height, sexual preference, weight, etc.). </p>
<p>What would I do if I found out about it regardless of my kid’s age? I’d have a talk with them about it, of course. I wouldn’t just say nothing.</p>
<p>College campuses have become hothouses where people are looking for something to be outraged about. If Alexandra Wallace of ["Asians</a> in the Library " @ UCLA - YouTube](<a href=“Alexandra Wallace "Asians in the Library " @ UCLA - YouTube”>Alexandra Wallace "Asians in the Library " @ UCLA - YouTube) were my daughter, I’d scold her about her attire. In her case the ensuing threats that caused her to quit school were the real scandal.</p>
<p>If we are going to live in a multiracial and multireligious country with free speech, people are going to have to toughen up and not overreact.</p>
<p>What is “racist” and “sexist”, anyway? Using epithets is. Informed statements about group differences are not. I will discuss such issues with my children. Someone who considers joining Teach for America (a major employer at elite schools) ought to have read a book such as “The Bell Curve”, even if they are not convinced by it.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree. My kids are completely grown up and just the thought of this scenario gave me chills. No matter what we teach them, we can’t know for sure how they will react in various circumstances. </p>
<p>My post is my personal reaction, based on how we have raised our children. I am not suggesting anyone else should respond the same way. I guess it is true I couldn’t force a kid to apologize or resign but I can’t imaging that particular kid belonging to me. I can imagine one of my kids having been really stupid. I can’t imagine the kid not being remorseful and doing everything necessarily to put the situation right in my eyes. As for contacting the fraternity - I think it is important and the responsibility of adult members of greek organizations to let national organizations know when they feel behavior is wildly inappropriate.</p>
<p>I agree with sseamom that it is important to speak up. Sometimes I think we act like universities are these special environments where the normal rules of polite and civilized society just don’t apply.</p>
<p>I"m trying to understand the parental role you are describing here. If your child were the “victim” in the racist/sexist incident, you would call the university and the national fraternity involved and report it/complain? Why shouldn’t your adult child be the one to do that?</p>
<p>If you are referring to your child being the perpetrator, are you saying you would call the university or national fraternity and turn him in?</p>
<p>Thought-provoking question! In high school, or even in the first year or two of college, there probably would have been harsh consequences. But now that she’s a 21-year-old senior, I’m not so sure. She’s moving rapidly toward a world in which Mom & Dad will have NO power over her. If the purpose of discipline is to teach her how we feel about such things, she already knows that very well. I think I’d go in the direction of trying to teach her how to handle such situations without the threat of Mom & Dad in the background. </p>
<p>I would definitely ask her about it, but I think it would be along the lines of trying to be the voice of her conscience. I hope I’d try to help her examine why she acted as she did, and how to avoid such a thing in the future. She would have to spend some time telling me how her actions hurt others, and what apologies or reparations need to be made.</p>
<p>I might change my mind, though. Tough question.</p>
<p>Bay - I am assuming poetgrl was asking what we would do if our child was a willing participant in a racist party/sexist event… a perpetrator. </p>
<p>My post describes how I would deal with my kid as perpetrator. I would insist on a public apology and resignation from the group, even if this event had not hit the news. Is that what you are asking? In that case, yes - I am sort of turning the kid in. I didn’t consider it in that light. I considered it taking responsibility for unacceptable actions.</p>
<p>I am gathering you and I have very different reactions.</p>
<p>Bay, what I’m talking about here is if, as with the original example, there’s been public input such that you have people speaking out justifying the incident. Kind of like the demonstrations FOR Penn State and Sandusky/Paterno. In that case, you bet I would add my public voice to those OPPOSING the frat/dorm/organization hosting such a party. I’ve done it before. I lost friends over it and we were publicly called out for it on various forums and lists. And because we knew we were right, we were ok with that.</p>
<p>Now, as for my kids being adults, unless they were paying their own way and not living at home, there would be financial and other consequences. And if I knew they’d been behind something of this nature, I would even go with him to turn himself in. </p>
<p>Should I leave it to my adult kid to complain? I assume I wouldn’t have to do much urging, but I’d likely add my 2 cents to the U, because I would be pretty hot over it happening in the first place.</p>
<p>Whenever we have one of these conversations about regulating college student behavior, whether it be not calling often enough, getting poor grades, or participating in dumb parties, I’m always struck by the fact that the first thing many say they would do is pull funding. The financial stick seems to be the parental weapon of choice.</p>
<p>Our S went to college with virtually no financial support from us for the first three years. We had absolutely no financial threat to hold over him. I think it would be an interesting exercise for many parents to think about what that would be like. What if you had no financial reins on your kid? What would you do? Do you think it would have an effect on your kid’s behavior?</p>
<p>(Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that people OUGHT to fund activities of which they do not approve.)</p>
<p>Good point consolation.</p>
<p>Consolation, that stuck out to me, too. Financial issues would be the least of my concern if my kid behaved in a truly objectionable way.</p>
<p>So, what would you do? How would you handle it?</p>
<p>
As someone earlier pointed out if the kid is an adult there is nothing you CAN do but withhold financing. If you have no financial reins then about all you can do is express disappointment, talk to them. I like to think my Ds would not so such a thing and that if something like that happened they would be chastened. But if a student were willing to participate in something like that, would they be open to parental feedback at all?</p>
<p>I’d express disappointment and talk to him about group dynamics and how easy it is to get swept up in following the crowd but that that’s not an excuse for such behavior. I’d talk about making amends, personally, aside from whatever punishment comes down from above. What would HE do to rectify the situation.</p>
<p>I know someone who has a son in a fraternity at one of the top party schools in the country. Sadly, I think that if his son was involved in this type of scandal, he would say something like “We did things like this when I was in my fraternity. Boys will be boys.” Unfortunately, there are still some people with this mind set although I would hope they are in the minority.</p>