<p>“If he is ready to choose their way, they ought not feel guilty about doing urine testing, if he really is clean it is no big deal, if he is a lying addicted person, they need to find out and help him.”</p>
<p>By the way, urine tests as most are aware don’t test for everything. Also as I mentioned, if he can’t quit, he is an addict. Most in college can quit whenever they want.</p>
<p>I have one caution: don’t assume the facts are exactly as they have been conveyed to you, or even as the parents understand them to be. How do they know he is smoking pot every night? How do they know how much pot is being smoked? If he were going to his friends’ apartment every night for a couple of beers, how different would the situation be? I’m not saying the situation isn’t serious, but it may not be as serious as they think…his continued success in school and job, I think, should entitle to him to some degree of benefit of the doubt. On one thing I think all can agree: no stash in the house.</p>
<p>“I’m not saying the situation isn’t serious, but it may not be as serious as they think…his continued success in school and job, I think, should entitle to him to some degree of benefit of the doubt. On one thing I think all can agree: no stash in the house.”</p>
<p>Yes one should give everyone the benefit of the doubt. However the situation could be worse than the parents see as parents are frequently the last to know if anything is wrong. My kid never missed a day of school or work either.</p>
<p>So, s-i-l found ds’s stash. But she didn’t tell him she found it. And she didn’t tell her husband? </p>
<p>If I were that mom, I would flush it when son is out of the house.</p>
<p>What is he gonna do when he comes home and finds it gone? </p>
<p>I can just hear it now: “****! —MOM!! My POT is GONE!! Did you or Dad steal it!!!”</p>
<p>lol–that’s what I’D do if it were my kid. Flush it.</p>
<p>Do they drug test him? Why aren’t they setting limits and telling him that they will drug test, and consequences if he is positive? Also, someone has watch him in the bathroom because he can tamper with the test.</p>
<p>Also, are there some other red flags like things missing inside the home, misusing credit cards, other types of pilfering. Where is he getting the money to buy pot? I imagine that this could turn into quite an expensive habit if one is addicted.</p>
<p>I cannot understand why the mother does not speak with the father about it. Isn’t he entitled to know? Why is he being kept in the dark, and why does this family keep secrets about something so important? Also, why is she speaking with other family members before her own husband and her son?</p>
<p>Thinking about it, how could the mom live with herself if her son smokes pot, and then drives a car and gets inolved in accident, but she does not tell his father what she knew? I don’t know if he smokes and drives, but probably nobody but the young man knows the answer to that (unless he is not licensed).</p>
<p>No, they don’t drug test him because everyone acknowledges his drug use. What would be the point?</p>
<p>She doesn’t tell dh about the stash, I think, because she is afraid he will ratchet up the battle. I guess she’s trying to avoid a scene and what is probably her biggest fear: that either the dh will kick the son out or the ds will just leave, which means she loses what little control she now has over him. Control is a big issue in this household. </p>
<p>I think at this point it’s MYOB time for me. When she told us I thought it was to seek out advice, but I could never get her alone before we had to leave. The more I think about it I’ll just wait until I’m directly asked for my opinion.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone.</p>
<p>As someone who has been in this situation, I’d be really concerned and I can’t emphasize how concerned I’d be by the fact that husband and wife may not be on the same page. In many situations like this, the child will play one parent off the other and create enormous family problems. Both parents have to be on board with how to handle the situation.</p>
<p>newlogin, you are right about drug testing now, but she can talk with her son and let him know that he may not smoke while living in their home. She can then tell him that in xy days (however long it takes for it to no longer show up in testing), she will begin random testing. She can set a consequence for testing positive. The consequence I guess can be all over the spectrum from kicking him out, to just warning him. Perhaps some inbetween consequence is taking away his cell phone, his car, his computer time, money if they give him any, etc.</p>
<p>If she had control over his actions he would not be able to smoke. The reality is that she can no longer micromanage his lifestyle choices. She can set limits and decide what she and her DH are willing to tolerate under their roof. If he is addicted, he probably needs some professional help. Smoking pot on occasion does not mean that he is addicted. If he cannot stop to pass a drug test, I would think that is a bigger problem. My sense is that if she is reaching out to family members, where there is smoke there is fire. JMO.</p>
<p>"She can set limits and decide what she and her DH are willing to tolerate under their roof. " </p>
<p>I doubt she has a clue what’s going on under her roof. Parents are more ignorant than most people can imagine.</p>
<p>DocT, that is probably true. What I mean is that she can decide that she will not put up with his smoking pot while he is living at home. She can drug test to find out if he is smoking pot. The son can either decide to put up with the new rules, or move out. If he wants to move out, she can tell him that she what she will or won’t pay for (ie: car, cell phone, extra money, clothes, rent). I wonder for how long he’ll move out, if he decides that is the way to go. I imagine he has little savings if he buying a lot of pot. If the problem has escalated to stealing from the home, she can decide what the consequences will be for that. Also, when I say she, I really mean that she should talk with the father, assuming that he is a reasonable man, and they should decide together. Oh, and if he wrecks the car while under the influence of something and he still is licensed by the state, they’d need to decide the consequences (ie: paying or not paying for lawyers, increases in premiums, taking away his car keys). Hopefully, it will never come to the latter.</p>
<p>A friend of mine’s daughter got caught smoking pot in hs a few yrs back…she sent her to re-hab and it was a joke.
She worked a bit for me the summer after and made so many references to her drug use and her desire to travel to Amsterdam ( probably for the museums ) I wondered if she was baiting me to see if I would tell her mother…she was WAY more knowledgeable than the other kids ( who are friends of my kids ) about pot and even " Robotripping "</p>
<p>lje62: This sounds familiar. The first time my son at the age of 15 was in a rehab, he was an impediment to the recovery of others by his ability to have a stronger influence on other kids than the counsellors. He viewed it as a joke and an opportunity to manipulate others.</p>
<p>No such thing as a weed addiction… just keep that in mind. If he’s addicted to something, it isn’t weed.</p>