How would you handle this drug problem?

Parent Cafe
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<p>First, I am a regular poster but created this new login for this question to protect everyone’s identity.</p>

<p>My nephew apparently has an increasing issue with pot. He is a grad of the HS class of ‘08 and began smoking midway through his senior year, though they just found out in December. His use has become more regular, and last month, when he wasn’t in the first summer session, he was smoking every night with friends at the friends’ new apartment.</p>

<p>My SIL and BIL are quite upset. He lives with them, attends cc (family’s financial and personal choice) and has had the same job since he was 16. According to SIL, the drug use hasn’t had a meaningful impact on his schooling or work.</p>

<p>SIL has found where he hides his stash at their house but hasn’t told her dh or ds. She’s spoken to various relatives about the issue, but they also don’t know she’s done that. What they most fear is that if they push hard on this issue (kicking him out of the house, etc) that it’ll drive him even further into the lifestyle, that he’ll just move in with the pothead friends. Her reasoing is that at least living under their roof, they can keep track of where he is, who he’s with, can make sure he keeps up with school.</p>

<p>I know what I would do if he were my son. I’m curious what advice others might have.</p>

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<p>Have they ever heard of tough love - kick him out of the house. He’ll hit rock bottom if he really has a drug issue and hopefully will see the light and end up on the road to recovery.</p>

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<p>If kicking him out of the house just is not an option, I would say to have an intervention. Maybe get in contact with a psychiatrist and schedule a confidential appointment to address his drug use and why he feels compelled to continue with it, where only the doctor and him disclose personal information with one another, keeping the parents out of the details, but very aware of evolving status of the situation.</p>

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<p>newlogin:</p>

<p>There aren’t many options other than what I’ve mentioned. I have found psychiatrists not much use in this situation. There is a high probability that he uses it because he is addicted. I have been through this situation. If you want more details, you can PM me.</p>

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<p>new - What you describe is certainly not a happy development. And I don’t support the use of illegal drugs. But I think context is important here. The nephew is succeeding at school, and he’s doing well at his job. He’s a young man still living at home. Yes it would be better if he wasn’t doing this, but there’s a lot good going on in his life.</p>

<p>There are a couple things that need to be addressed ASAP. Your SIL can’t have a bag of illegal drugs in her house. And more importantly, smoking every night in a newly rented apartment is simply asking to get busted.</p>

<p>Good luck with this. God Bless.</p>

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<p>In my opinion, the reason your SIL gave for not kicking him out of the house is that she can keep tabs with where he is at, who he is with and that he keeps up with schoolwork. However, many kids who are over 18 go to college and live away from home where their parents can’t keep tabs in the way your SIL wants to. I think this kid should be living on his own while going to school if financially feasible. Many kids do and if they use pot, their parents are not supervising them. If the boy remains at home, the parents can simply say that no pot is allowed in their home and he may not be high within their home. What he does when he is not home is his business as he is now an adult. They can have a frank discussion about their concerns but can’t control what he does. But if he lives under their roof, they can set limits of what is allowed in the home and the behavior (being high) not being allowed IN the home.</p>

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<p>First there is no guarantee that he is only using pot. Secondly, somebody can be addicted to drugs and still be able to hold a job and function usually not as well as when they don’t. Also there are a number of drugs for which its very difficult to determine if its even being used because the individual may not appear to be high at all.</p>

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<p>"They can have a frank discussion about their concerns but can’t control what he does. But if he lives under their roof, they can set limits of what is allowed in the home and the behavior (being high) not being allowed IN the home. "</p>

<p>Having been through this and knowing many in this situation, I don’t know ANYBODY who has successfully done this. Are you going to stay up all night to see what he’s doing?? Are you going to keep enabling him when he’s 25?? This needs to be taken care of immediately or a bad situation is going to get much worse.</p>

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<p>SIL and BIL must sit him down and initiate a very direct and honest discussion. They need to set the rules for him living in their home as well as the consequences for breaking the rules. No drugs allowed in their home–period. If drugs are found again, he can no longer live with them.</p>

<p>He’s an adult living in their home. They have a right to not allow drugs into their home. He will either respect this or choose to live somewhere else. In this case, one more strike and I would suggest that they tell him to move out within a certain time frame. </p>

<p>While you say that his drug use has not had much of an effect on his life, this is probably due to the fact that he has your BIL and SIL enabling him in subtle ways. Chances are that if he were living with his pothead friends, his behaviors would be effecting his life (grades, job, etc.). He will have to make the choice as to what path he wants to take.</p>

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<p>“SIL and BIL must sit him down and initiate a very direct and honest discussion. They need to set the rules for him living in their home as well as the consequences for breaking the rules. No drugs allowed in their home–period. If drugs are found again, he can no longer live with them.”</p>

<p>My experience is this is not feasible. Are you going to spend all your time searching for drugs? There are more ways to hide this stuff then any parent can imagine.</p>

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<p>I don’t think you have a good sense of the prevalence of this kind marijuana usage among this age group. If every parent whose college-aged child regularly smokes in the evenings kicks them out of the house, we’ll have millions of kids living in our parks! The parents should definitely insist that the offending substance not be kept in the home, to protect themselves. And if the son gets in trouble with the law, he should have to fend for himself–no pricey private attorneys paid for by mom and dad. Beyond that, so long as he’s getting good grades and working, there’s no “handling” to be done.</p>

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<p>My my how naive some are! Tell him to stop and lets see if he can. If he can’t, he’s an addict and not like most college kids - plain and simple.</p>

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<p>Nobody said to tell him to stop and that he will. What some of us are saying is that he is a college kid and if he were not living at home, as most college kids don’t, his parents would not be overseeing his every move. One option is to live on his own like other college kids and be independent. The other is if he stays at home, the parents don’t allow pot in their home. That is not the same as telling the kid to stop using. It is saying that it is not allowed IN their home. They also can counsel him about their concerns of his usage but can’t control that. I’m not condoning smoking pot but many college age kids do it. Were you ever in college? Did you ever do it? If this kid is having problems functioning with work, school, or life, the parents can seek intervention. But otherwise, they can just make rules for what can be done IN their home but can’t control what he does outside the home.</p>

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<p>Heck if he lives in Ca he can easily get a medical marijuana card. If he lives in my small city he can buy it any of the large number of dispensaries in the city limits.</p>

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<p>It would be good to put the rules of the house/car in writing along with the consequences the parents are sure they will follow through with. </p>

<p>Next educate him on the legal consequences of being caught with pot. Including if he gets stopped in his car and someone drops their pot on the floor of the car etc. Put this in writing for him. He needs to know the consequences before they happen.</p>

<p>I would have him responsible for more of his own finances. Have him start paying some car insurance or books for school. Something more. The goal is less money for pot, less free time and more time working.</p>

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<p>“Were you ever in college? Did you ever do it? If this kid is having problems functioning with work, school, or life, the parents can seek intervention.”</p>

<p>Yeah I was in college, yeah I did it but I didn’t do it everyday and I didn’t need to do it. As a parent of a recovering drug addict who has been in rehab, institutions, half way and 3/4 houses, on the streets, dealing and I who have been in rehab sessions with many other families, there are lots of people who function as drug addicts or alcoholics. This doesn’t mean it isn’t a big problem.</p>

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<p>But Doc T, not everyone who takes a drink regularly is an alcoholic, either.</p>

<p>I really think that booting a kid out of the house because you know he smokes pot, especially when he is functional in job and school, is a gross over-reaction and probably going to lead to the kind of escalation and downward spiral you fear.</p>

<p>On the other hand, it is perfectly reasonable to tell the kid that a) they may not have illegal drugs in your house, and b) hanging out in the apartment of stoner friends may lead to getting busted, which isn’t smart.</p>

<p>Being at home is probably a restraining influence on his drug use–especially if he finds out his parents are on to him.</p>

<p>Personally, I do not think that the use of recreational drugs should be illegal. (DUI being a completely separate issue.) If it were not, then perhaps the reasons for untoward dependence could be examined and addressed without a lot of hysteria. And there would be a hell of a lot fewer incarcerated Americans.</p>

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<p>DocT…I am well aware of those who are drug addicts and alcoholics, believe it or not. I have no clue if the boy in question is an addict and “needs to do it.” Again, if his usage appears to be problematic, I am all for intervention and seeking appropriate services. If it is merely that the parents do not approve of pot usage, they certainly can make the rules for their own home if the boy lives there. But he is an adult and could be living on his own and his parents less privy to his every move. Not everyone who drinks or smokes pot has a serious problem. If this boy’s problem is seriously affecting him, that is an issue that must be confronted. But if it is more that the parents don’t approve of pot or don’t want it in their home, then they can make those rules for in the home but not what he does when he is on his own. If he were away at college, this might not have arisen. It is too hard to tell by a post if the kid is a true addict. Some parents are against ALL use of alcohol or drugs. And that may be the case. It sounds like this kid is doing OK in life but we honestly don’t know much about that. We don’t know if he has a “big problem” or not. </p>

<p>I am sorry, however, for the challenges you have faced as a parent of a recovering addict and I hear where you are coming from.</p>

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<p>Thank you to everyone for your input. There are two catgories of advice as I see it: what can be done and what the person is emotionally capable of doing. Any other thoughts are welcome.</p>

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<p>There are probably tons of people in our generation and even on this board who used recreational pot in the 70s and did fine in life (um, Bill Clinton, et al) and there are others who have had it be the first step on the slippery slope to either making big problems in their lives or addiction.</p>

<p>There is no way to tell if he is addicted and druggies lie, all the time, so they cannot go by what he says.</p>

<p>I have known a couple of families dealing with this issue. One knew their kid away from home was ‘dabbling’ with pot, but he later was arrested with other drugs, but proved not to be an addict, though he still made a big ole mess of his life.</p>

<p>Another’s son is still going through all this, lots of drinking & parties in HS, left for college, I think he finished 2 years, dropped out, lives in the college town, they provided no support. He did not tell his parents about the arrest until he had to serve time over a break and not come home :eek: They don’t yet know how it is going to work out.</p>

<p>Suggest they watch a season’s worth of those Intervention shows and decide if they want to risk it. Give the kid two choices- our way or your way. Our way is family support (emotional, $, whatever ) and weekly urine tests and no drugs in the house (no sense bringing them into the house if they will show up on a test) or his way, move out and do his own thing, hit bottom on his own time schedule and deal with it then.</p>

<p>If he is ready to choose their way, they ought not feel guilty about doing urine testing, if he really is clean it is no big deal, if he is a lying addicted person, they need to find out and help him.</p>

<p>Have them search legal forums about the consequences of drug arrests- from financial aid suspension to DL suspension to auto insurance issues, to the fact that even if he goes through a program to wipe it from his record, the arrest record will still show up on employer background screens etc, that many licenses from doctor to realtor ask if you have ever been arrested. No, it won’t happen to him, we know, but what if it does?</p>