How would you Score this Essay? 9 minute essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>So i used the how to write an essay in 9 minutes video on youtube for the body paragraphs
<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXeh98XVpdo”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXeh98XVpdo&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I used the “How to write a killer sat essay in 25 minutes” book to help get a template for the introductions and so i wrote this in 25 minutes </p>

<p>how would you score this?
and are those sources effective or no?</p>

<p>Do success and happiness depend on the choices people make rather than on factors beyond their control?</p>

<p>Success and happiness are directly related how you choose to live your life. Gandhi once said, “Peace, Prosperity, and the Pursuit of Happiness aren’t life’s gift to mankind, they are rewards to those who strive towards them.” This illustrated through the lives of Bill Gates, my mother, and Will Smith.
Success and happiness is the direct works of our actions. Bill Gates, a famous entrepreneur, didn’t make it to college because he was turned down. His academic records and money were the limiting factors to his success and happiness. However he chose to fulfill his dreams in computer science no matter what cost and effort. He sweated through with his work at home eventually introducing next generation technology and eventually going on to become the richest man in the world.
Arriving to the United States not knowing the English language is a barrier that even the strongest of wills have trouble overcoming. In addition, the adversity of having several kids, in one household, all attending college creates strain on finance. However my mother didn’t let these factors hinder her success in education. She would walk, bus, and ferry to college in New York City everyday with her pocket edition dictionary till she pull out a bachelors of science degree in computer science, and a stunning 3.5 grade point average.
Will Smith, the main actor in “Seven Pounds”, built his success and happiness on his decision to help the lives of seven unique individuals. He wished to amend for the loss he caused in his life; just to be truly happy. He selflessly sacrifices his time, mind, and body to selected individuals whose lives would have been ceased, damaged, or corrupted if it were not for Will. He ultimately sacrifices his live for these people. His choice to fulfill a need to pay back a debt he couldn’t fully pay helped him to achieve success and true happiness despite the factors and measures.
In conclusion success and happiness are directly related to the choices people make. Analogous to the choices my mother, Bill Gates, and Will Smith made to strive hard towards goals despite adversity.</p>

2

<p>Bill Gates didn’t get turned down for college. He went to Harvard. He did drop out, but that example doesn’t work as well because of it.</p>

<p>You should definitely refer to Will Smith’s character, not Will Smith. I don’t know what that character’s name is, though.</p>

<p>A few sentence structure problems and fragments: “This illustrated through the lives,” “Success and happiness is the direct works,” “Analogous to the choices my mother, Bill Gates, and Will Smith made to strive hard towards goals despite adversity,”</p>

<p>It feels a little awkward when you repeat the same word in a paragraph (eventually; sacrifice). Drop in a synonym and it’s better.</p>

<p>It’s probably like an 8. You gave a clear answer with examples, but the errors take a lot away from it. I think if you spent more than 9 minutes on it, it’d be significantly better.</p>