<p>This is for the Common App., where I have to elaborate on one of my EC’s. Please, be brutally honest.</p>
<p>My body aches; my ears ring from the stereos intense bass; my eyes are heavy with the unbearable hunger of sleep; the gymnasium is so hot that my clothes cling to me. But, after months of planning after hours of dancing and seconds to reveal the years total I know that in the end it was all worth it. The annual South High Marathon Dance is dedication of twenty-eight hours to change someones life (twenty-two recipients in 2009, to be exact). Over thirty-two years, SHMD has raised $2.08 million (and in 2009: $260, 020.51). To be part of the most successful high school marathon dance is like no other extracurricular activity I have taken part in. There are no judgments or prejudice, just the similar aspiration to make the community a better place. The unification of the student body makes me overwhelmingly proud to say: WE ARE THE BULLDOGS, AND THE BULLDOGS ARE GREAT.</p>
<p>You should probably not post it on here, but…</p>
<p>I got a little confused, and I think you need to work more on the organization. Some parts I thought were awkward: “after seconds” (what does that mean? I thought you were trying to convey length? Seconds are short); “twenty-two recipients” (of the money? who are they? this makes me wonder why they need it? I think you need to be clearer about exactly what’s going on here so people don’t get lost); “just the similar aspiration” (awkward phrasing); are you guys the bulldogs too? That bit sounds weird. </p>
<p>I guess I’m just saying overall this is pretty confusing and disorganized.</p>
<p>^Agreed with southeasttitan on all fronts. Also, I think you use fewer semicolons in the first sentence. The first few sentences confuse me the most… Length is part of the problem.</p>
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<p>This sentence weirds me out, too. Simplify your essay’s wording and shorten its sentences, I think, and it will be better.</p>
<p>I’m generally a really sharp critic of essays, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I feel like your essay is kind of over-dramatic, and, at the risk of sounding harsh, I can imagine weeding through tons of essays like that as an admissions counselor and rolling my eyes at each. They may be different in content, but the style is very trite. The most endearing essays are those that are honest, and “honest” is not synonymous with “overly dramatic.”</p>
<p>I agree with what was already said. Your essay lacks cohesion, and the final thing about “bulldogs” is really puzzling, especially if you’re applying to Yale. I think your facts and figures are pretty unnecessary, too, but that could be just me. And semi-colons are almost always, in a high school setting, misused, and I’m sorry to say so, but this is a situation in which they were grossly misused.</p>
<p>That said, your idea of picking a moment in time and describing it in detail has more potential than simply trying to sum up your entire EC. Personally, I find that interior monologue, particularly stream-of-consciousness, is very impressive *when done tastefully and skillfully<a href=“I%20can’t%20place%20enough%20emphasis%20on%20that”>/I</a>, so if you manage to pull off something of the sort, you’ll be in good stead.</p>
<p>Oh, and I would advise against posting your essay publicly like this.</p>
<p>Also, just a general tip: “Show, don’t tell.” For example, in the very first line,really describe the throbbing beat of the stereos and such, don’t just say that they are “intense” and be done with it.</p>
<p>Cut the adjectives, and the descriptive flowery writing. While your sixth grade teacher may have told you to write in a way that stimulates and excites, and most of the time he’s right, unfortunately you don’t have enough space for this particular assignment. </p>
<p>Just talk about your extracurricular. What it is, what you do in it, your leadership roles in it (if any), and how you have made a difference/or it made a difference in you. </p>
<p>I won’t go into it grammar and stylistically since others have done so. Instead I’ll comment on the broader aspects.
The idea of taking a moment you experienced in your EC is definitely much better than describing your EC. I disagree with Gryffon, if they wanted a description they can look at your resume. A description doesn’t catch anyone’s attention and frankly they could care less if someone descirbed what a debate team was for example since thousands upon thousands of students are on a debate team, it doesn’t set you apart. your idea does.</p>
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<li><p>that said I think you waste space with things not quite relevant. Don’t include how much money was raised in various years. Yeah, it tells them why they should give the SHMD an award, but it doesn’t tell them why they shoul daccept you. </p></li>
<li><p>I also feel you can “show not tell” better. Though you definitely had some good moments, it often felt like you were trying to get the reader into th emoment, but the way you did it was descriptive rrather than actually showing it.</p></li>
<li><p>Finally, what are you trying to sho the Yale admissions officers? I think much of the awkwardness stems from you trying to merge the beginnings “in the moment” with the factual information of the group, and then capping it off with some moral of the story. Southeattitan is right that they aren’t congruous nor do they flow together. I’d say you’re trying to do too much with the essay. Consider what you want to get across–choose one thing. I don’t think an essay about raising money goes well with “in the moment” writing since it simply is not something easy to capture in the moemtn unlike active things like dancing for example. And I don’t think that the facts should be the focus since they give no reason to admit you, only reason to applaud your group.</p></li>
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<p>That said I think it’s in the right direction, so keep working on it!</p>