<p>Our youngest S, a sophomore and the only one left at home, told us last night at dinner “Everyone I know drinks”. He looked like he was ready to cry. We asked if he drank and he assured us that he didn’t. He has been adamant that he will never drink, though we have never suggested that, we drink. He said his best friends had only drank under their parents’ supervision, I’m assuming a beer or glass of wine on a special occasion. I know the situation is out of hand, they now have breathalyzers at the football games because so many kids were puking under the bleachers. But according to S they aren’t even close to getting the kids they should be. I don’t know if any of you have run into similar situations. Our older kids didn’t run into this until junior or senior year and rarely in their imediate group of friends. Youngest S is at the point that he is ready to start expanding his social network and seems to feel that there is noone out there that isn’t a problem.</p>
<p>SRMom3 - Our S’ experience was more like that of your older two. His “immediate group of friends” included a few who got into drinking to a certain extent - not over the top, but more than he was interested in. He spent less time with this subset and more with some others, and sometimes more time at home with online friends than we might have liked. But if some friends are into the drinking and other substance scene, some might be off with girlfriends two-by-two, this can affect socializing opportunities. Our S didn’t seem to be as distressed by this loss as much as yours, and we could see him expand to spending more time with other friends, especially during Senior year - kids he had been friendly with but hadn’t usually spent weekend time with.</p>
<p>So, expanding his social network is the right idea, but if he feels there is “no one” out there who isn’t part of the problem, that’s diffeent. Do you think he’s realistic about this. You said that “He said his best friends had only drank under their parents’ supervision, I’m assuming a beer or glass of wine on a special occasion.” Does this mean he doesn’t even want to socialize with such kids who (I think you are saying) are not part of a drinking culture? Are there other venues for him to find a social network - church youth group etc? He’s certainly early enough in his high school career to join ECs which <em>might</em> have more kindred spirits: (I’m guessing here from our hs which might have different culture from yours) jazz band, debate, drama…</p>
<p>SRMom3~</p>
<p>Our college freshman son basically had the same situation as your older kids. There was (and still is) a good amount of drinking at his high school, but his immediate group of friends was more like he was. There would be a few that would enjoy the drinking scene, but slowly, my son gravitated towards the ones who were not as into it. </p>
<p>Now, I have two daughters at the same school and they will have to face this same thing. One of my daughters was reading a xanga posting by an acquaintance of hers that documented a drunken evening (including the Everclear bottle) in pictures. There were pictures of them in various states of undress, pictures of various “vomit scenes”, picture of the vacuum with the vomit in it, and pictures of some of them passed out on a concrete floor. And this was all publicly posted! </p>
<p>My son doesn’t have a philosophical objection to drinking. We typically have beer and wine in the house and enjoy it with dinner on occasion. We have not preached about alcohol, just informed. My son’s decision is based on his being very into physical fitness, working out and such. He will attend parties with alcohol and jokingly says he is always a convenient designated driver. At college, he is seeking out others with similar interests.</p>
<p>My suggestion would be for your youngest son to branch out into new social circles. There are kids out there who chose not to drink, and I think he will be much happier when he finds them. I am so sorry that your son is having to deal with this at such a young age. ~berurah</p>
<p>My son weaned from a few close neighborhood friends because they got heavy into the drinking/partying and driving drunk phase during high school. He’s amazed how many kids have their licences taken away or points given for driving drunk and so soon after getting it. Sometimes I think he’s lonely, but he does have friends to call and go out with, they just have busy schedules with different activities. It’s hard, but going along with the crowd and feeling uncomfortable isn’t the way to go. He almost cried once too in sophmore year,it seemed he was the only boy that was “different” but he wouldn’t change and soon found that wasn;t the case. You have to be more pro-active. I told him that showed a great maturity and he’d get through these rough spots okay.<br>
He knows at college, he’ll have to make choices, but I saw his face when he saw posted pictures from Vassar of students drinking heavily, using drugs and other activities. He said, I know this goes on everywhere, but as long as a college has options and I can find a niche, I’ll be fine. I think that’s why the heavy frat schools got crossed out early and he looked for schools with “wellness” dorms. Having a beer or two is different from vomiting every weekend and acting stupid. I never understood even at 17, how that was “fun”.
Your son will be fine, sometimes you have to look outside of school, different clubs, etc. but he will find someone. The principal told me so many kids feel the same way, but they don’t connect. Good luck to both of you.</p>
<p>SRmom:</p>
<p>I’m sorry your S is having such a tough time.</p>
<p>There are some schools where there is a really dominant culture and it can be hard for a student who does not fit into this dominant culture. I hope your S can find a few friends who do not care to drink as a recreational activity. My S’s high school was diverse enough that he fell in with a crowd that was academically minded. Their ECs focused heavily on math and science competitions, academic decathlons and other such activities. There were as well many athletes and kids involved in the drama club, band, etc…, but they were not known for drinking, either. I hope that your son gets to know others who share his interests. They need not be academic; one of the more popular clubs was anime.</p>
<p>Thanks for your comments. We are aware of the options. Since S is not as strong academically as his older siblings he finds himself in a different peer group and that is part of the problem. His EC’s focus on sports though he has been considering others. Unfortunately, like most kids, he doesn’t want to try something new without a buddy and none of his friends have been interested. We’ll have to encourage him to take the plunge. As to drama and band, according to our older kids these were two of the biggest hook-up and partying scenes in the school as well as requiring a level of talent, at least in band, that our S doesn’t possess.</p>
<p>Its so hard when you see them trying to do what is right and finding it so difficult. I’m sure there is some level of exageration, some kids bragging about drinking when the reality was half a beer at a cousin’s wedding but… On the other hand, all of the older kids report to their parents “You have no idea how much stuff is going on.”</p>
<p>What is anime?</p>
<p>marite~</p>
<p>I’m just curious…is there a specific type of kid who is into anime at your son’s h.s.? At our h.s., those kids are a little “different” and typically low achieving. Their “subculture” is considered very, very odd, and those kids typically do not fit in at all with the larger groups. I am assuming it is different there? ~b.</p>
<p>SRMom3~</p>
<p>anime:
<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anime[/url]”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anime</a></p>
<p>SRMom3 - yes, your youngest does have a situation which makes it harder for him. I really feel for him, and for you. That’s really what I wanted to say in this post - we moms do hurt for our kids. When you are expecting a baby, people give you the idea that all that diaper-changing and the Terrible Twos are the hard part. For me, it is these things which are the hard part.</p>
<p>*If I Could
I’d protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I’ve never learned
And I’d help you cross the bridges that I’ve burned
Yes I would
If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I’ve watched you grow
So I could let you go
If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could
If I live in a time and place where you don’t wanna be
You don’t have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday won’t have to be your way
If I knew
I would try to change the world I brought you to
And there isn’t very much that I can do
But I would
If I could *</p>
<p>Hmm. It looks like different schools have different types of drama clubs and bands! In retrospect, I can’t believe how wholesome my S’s friends were, despite the fact that one girl had pink/blue/orange hair, one guy had diamond earrings and other guys had hair practically down to their waist (they’re all in college now and doing well).
Anime is Japanese animation. Do you know of the movie, Spirited Away? That is a popular example of anime. There are anime clubs at many colleges, including MIT and Harvard. Our high school started one a couple of years ago; basically, the kids show anime movies.
I sympathize with your S’s unwillingness to join something new without a buddy. Are there community service groups he might be interested in? My older S joined one and it was a great decision on his part (we had had to prod him a bit, because he was reticent).</p>
<p>I didn’t realize Anime was such a hit at so many colleges…my daughter draws it all time and she just rolled her eyes like I’ve been living on Mars. : )
I’m pushing my son to join a service club solo, I think once he does, he’ll enjoy it. That first step is always the hardest, especially if you’re more the quiet type.</p>
<p>The Harvard anime club was started by the son of one of CC’s posters who wondered why there was a thriving anime club at MIT and not at Harvard.</p>
<p>To respond to Berurah, the high school anime club seems to draw kids from the whole spectrum, the very high achievers as well as some who struggle. BTW, S came home yesterday to look for a couple of anime videos he’d left behind! Two other suitemates are into anime also.</p>
<p>There are a lot of kids who drink but there are I would bet lots of sophomores who don’t (at least not yet.) Joining clubs is a good way to meet other kids if his old friends are changing. That said my S seemed happiest in HS when he had a steady girlfriend then he had someone to confide in (guys don’t seem to open up as well to other guys) and drinking was not as much an issue. Girls seem to like to get out and do thinks and not just “hang out” as many of the guys did. It becomes more work for kids when their regular group of friends change and for some kids it happens in 8th grade ,for others it is HS. The more groups and activities as others said above helps.</p>
<p>If alcohol is a major part of a schools social culture it will not go away on its own. Someone is going to have to be a pain in the butt and get programs started to change the culture. I know one community that mobilized, parents were educated about their responsibilites when parties were at their homes, curfews were set and the stores that had been selling to teens were identifed and had their licence to sell alcohol removed. Alternative activies had to be organized and funded. These problems fester and get worse until someone organizes a change.</p>
<p>Not surprised that drama/band has the highest party rate - at my high school, it was sex and/or booze for them. </p>
<p>Some sports can be great for avoiding the drinking culture - generally the sports where the smart, athletic kids congregate. Track was a great one - nice kids who usually all study hard - think one year the varsity team had an A- average. You might be able to find out through the school which sports have the high GPAs. Track is good because you don’t have to try out for it - you just show up and run. Even if you are bad, you can still participate. </p>
<p>I didn’t drink until I turned 21. Most of my high school friends were different - drinking earlier (although not to the “get drunk” stage), but my college friends were all responsible types. It will get better - which, IMO, is what every high schooler should know but so very few of them can contemplate! (As someone on these boards once said, her older relative said something to her nerdy high school self: “No one worth their salt peaks in high school!”)</p>
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<p>I’m not sure this is true. My older child, very bright, close friends with all the bright and the best, said that most of the friends in the group, in spite of being top 5%, were into heavy mindless drinking. They still did well in school, but weekend parties were all about getting wasted. These were kids getting all the academic awards, doing debate, band, 2 languages etc.</p>
<p>My younger one, less gifted, more average joe, naturally has less serious and academically inclined friends. However, this one’s peer group hangs out together, goes to the movies, plays too much poker, sleeps over at our house all the time, but not a single one drinks.</p>
<p>I don’t know what it is. Can’t explain it. The drinking culture is very prevalent in our town, and I was shocked to hear that some of the biggest drinkers are athletes and valedictorians alike.</p>
<p>i find it really funny that people here abbreviate son to S. I’m pretty sure all the work you do while holding the shift key is greater than the force you would have exerted to press an o & n instead.</p>
<p>Hmmm–at our local high school, the band is populated by “band geeks”, a pretty benign group of kids who aren’t into the alcohol/party scene. It’s the sports teams that have all the trouble with drinking and partying. May I suggest finding the group of Mormon kids at your local school and hanging out with them? Nobody’s perfect, but they seem to come up with lots of activities that don’t include drinking (which is against their religion).</p>
<p>Our kids’ school doesn’t have an overt drinking problem, but both kids assure me that there are kids drinking, smoking & doubtless doing drugs. They also assure me that neither of them are doing any of this (son is senior & daughter is a sophomore). My daughter does a few sports (kayaking & canoe paddling & orchestra) & son does judo & band. Neither of my kids mention any of this as a problem or anything involving them, more as something they’re aware happens among some portions of the school.</p>
<p>The band & orchestra at their school does not seem to have much in the way of drinking or hooking up, nor do the sports teams they participate in.</p>
<p>Service groups on campus do tend to have pretty clean-cut types & perhaps that would be a good niche to find kids more similar to his values. It will also be great for his ECs for college.</p>