If they are all toxic, I wouldn’t invite any of them. Why make for a stressful day for all of you?
If the grandparents ask about the graduation between now and then, I would say, “Let me check because we may be limited on how many tickets we can get.” And then come back and say you were able to get 2 tickets. They may not even ask about it.
What a mess.
Having toxic in-laws on many kevels I can sympathize.
I think it’s great that your daughter wants her grandparents there. I would certainly honor that.
Quit giving into these people though. Set boundaries and enforce them. You are allowed to control your life.
Forget this whole avoiding conflict thing and stand up for yourself and your family. Do it in a firm, quiet, and determined way. You shouldn’t have to put up with this and it’s past time you took control. It’s ok, really.
You are all bolstering my confidence so a big thank you! I am an adult and deserve to speak up and be heard. I appreciate the reminder that they may not even want to come. The grands did blow off preschool graduation and I was still speaking to them then. The grands have not been welcome in our home since 2009, sister in law since 2008. I do not want any of them here for graduation but am honoring D’s request to invite them. My parents live quite close and have been present at all kinds of events as well as everyday get-togethers for D’s whole life. I think her desire to invite the other side is more that she doesn’t want to hurt DH’s feelings. She is an extraordinarily kind and compassionate soul so I understand where she is coming from and it is for her, and for her alone that I am willing to invite the grands. She doesn’t want her aunt there and that is the line in the sand. The ceremony is not ticketed, in a covered venue in case of bad weather and it is open to the public so there isn’t anything I can do if they show up. Dinner reservations will be made ahead at a restaurant of D’s choosing for the number of guests she wants and our home is off limits period.
Is your husband ready to take a stand on this? It’s his family. Really, he needs to deal with this
He is in agreement about the guest list but prefers to just tell his parents the date and let the chips fall where they may. Not to disparage him in any way because he is a great guy in all other aspects, but he doesn’t like drama and I am the more vocal one. He sees my point in all aspects of the situation and when I decided I couldn’t take them anymore, he completely backed me up. He is fine seeing them very infrequently and would prefer not to see his sister at all. He is just not one to say “I can’t stand you and I don’t want to see you ever again”.
Your husband seems like a very reasonable person and I agree 100% with his advice. No need to lie, worry about things out of your control, create drama, etc. as some others are suggesting. Sometimes things become a big deal if you make a big deal about it. I appreciate the fact that you are letting your DD select who she wants (and who she doesn’t want) at her graduation. Good luck to your and your family.
@helpingmom40 You don’t need to detail decades of toxicity in order for those of us with toxic family members to understand exactly what you are saying. I completely believe you have every reason in the world not to invite your SIL.
Your husband needs to be the one here to stand up to his family. Inviting toxic people to your daughter’s graduation, when she has stated a wish to have everything be peaceful, is not the right thing to do. It is all about appearances, and there is no point to it.
Graduations are very boring and can be a challenge for older people. I see no reason why you can’t just have your immediate family.
“We have a very bad, toxic relationship with DH’s parents and sister.” (You included the grandparents here.)
“His S always turns up unexpectedly.”
“The visits are uncomfortable and DH and DD have a miserable time.”
Am I misunderstanding? Seems the writing is on the wall. The SIL does what she wants, is rude. She doesn’t follow any rules of good manners. No etiquette requires inviting grandparents, if you can describe the relationship as toxic.
I would not invite the grandparents, that’s not what etiquette asks us to endure. You will not be forging a new, pleasant relationship at a big industrial sized event like this.
You know they’d probably spill the beans to SIL, who will continue to do as she pleases. And, her behavior is accepted by the grandparents. There’s history here.
Tell no one about the date or tickets or preferences or anything. As it is, they only see this family once/year. They’re hours away, not likely to hear about the event at the market.
If cornered, “So far, we only know it’s private.”
I’d have a careful, positive conversation with my kiddo, to explain alternatives.
We didn’t invite my mother. I wanted to spare each of my kids her behavior, be able to celebrate with focus on my daughter. Joyous. Our pride. No drama.
I would invite grandparents just like your D wants. When extending invite to them mention that you have limited number of tickets and they are invited. In this case if they relay the information to other family members, they will mention that you had limited number of tickets? If other family members will have a nerve to ask you about graduation, insist on “x number of ticketsand that you can’t do anything about it”. Stick to your story if you want to avoid conflict and not tell them they are not welcome there.
You don’t have to lie. You can simply say that your family has decided to keep the graduation celebration small, and only immediate family and grandparents are invited. Don’t even mention the number of tickets…it’s not necessary.
If your dD is a people pleaser, have an honest conversation with her. She may not want H’s parents there
Or the daughter may be excited that her friends will have grandparents there. But those are different families, that apparently play by different rules.
I don’t know why anyone thinks the sister will stay away, just because you say there are no tickets for the main event. She could put up a fuss. Hey, she might call the school and beg that she’s immediate family, too. She could muscle in on any family dinner and pull her same “me me me” routine that makes every annual get-together “miserable.”
That would be just straight crazy, imho?
While at first I saw the attraction of telling the grandparents that tickets are limited, and would support you in that if it’s what you chose to do, my second thought was that you don’t need to grant them the power make you feel you have to dissemble about logistics. IOW, why should you have to feel lousy about lying (or at least stretching the truth) when this is a problem of their making, not yours?
I would have your husband talk with your daughter to see if she’s really inviting his parents so as not to hurt his feelings, out of a sense of balance since the other grands are being invited, or out of a general sense that it’s the right thing to do. In any case I’d be ruled by her wishes.
Then you can either say, “Daughter’s graduating in June but we’re keeping attendance very small. We’ll send you pictures!” or “We’d love to have you for graduation but having SIL would be too much, so please don’t invite her.” Either way you don’t need to justify your or your daughter’s wishes.
While I initially agreed with the limited tickets option, I think the added drama of getting caught in a lie would just make a difficult situation worse. I can see Sis showing up at the venue, seeing tickets aren’t required and causing a scene. I can also see grands telling her after the fact that they didn’t have tickets and her blowing up about that, too. DH, Mr anti-confrontation, even said he could print tickets out and have a friend with a kid in the class stand and pretend to take them. I said no because I’d rather have the honesty-driven fight than have to orchestrate a sham since I prefer aggressive over passive-aggressive. I guess the fact he would devise something like that illustrates he doesn’t want her there either.
How high school graduation is handled will set a precedent for your DD’s college graduation. Plan accordingly.
If just thinking of it is causing you this much stress, I would have a talk with your DD and ask her to rethink inviting the GPs at all. Surely she doesn’t want to see you and your husband miserable over her celebration.
Personally I have no problem with the seats-are-limited lie. I would also have no problem telling a hostile party that they aren’t welcome at my house, nor are they welcome to eat at my table. I don’t mean to be unkind, but had you firmly but politely pointed them to a hotel when they showed up on your doorstep unexpectedly at Thanksgiving 2008, you wouldn’t be stressing now because you would have already set the right precedent.
Be polite, but stand your ground.
“Be polite. Stand your ground. “
Love this!
Your husband should be polite and stand his ground. These are his parents and sister.
I don’t think this sets a precedent for college graduation at all. We like the grands in our family and they were invited to the HS graduations.
For one kid college, we had a big event coinciding with is senior recital as a music major. Everyone including extended family and friends was invited to that. It’s what the kid wanted people to attend. For graduation, only we parents went. And good. It was an urban setting, and raining cars and dogs with shuttle buses and the like. Two different ceremonies in different locations.
For kid two, we did invite the grands also, but it was across the country and also on the same day as a cousins college graduation. Only MIL came. We also invited extended family and a few of them made the trip.
Times will change before college graduation time.
Do what is right for you now.
If it were me, I would probably invite the Grands to a celebratory dinner one weekend evening after graduation at a restaurant. Include the hotel if it feels better to you. I would tell them your daughter has a lot of events and parties to attend the evening of graduation and probably wouldn’t really be able to see them. Your daughter will want to be with her friends - she may not know/understand how it all works. I think you need to protect her experience as well as your own - you both deserve this to be a special day.
Keep telling yourself “People can only take advantage of me if I let them.”
We’re really conditioned in this society to be polite at all costs, which lets those with fewer boundaries walk all over us. Just set your rules, be honest, and teach your D a life lesson about how not to let people take advantage of her.