We have so many threads where people get into mucky messes because, “We’re really conditioned in this society to be polite at all costs.” They forget there are usually two sides to relationship success. And, it’s true that you “deserve this to be a special day.”
Imo, you’ve already been tryng to do the right thing, by DH and DD continuing to visit. A separate celebration with them, maybe in neutral territory (not your town or theirs) could be a lovely gesture. Controlled and with low expectations, limited time. No overnights together, not much time for anyone to get worked up.
If you were to say, “But it’s not thaaat bad” or that your D does have an excelllent personal relationship with the grandparents, I could see it differently. But it seems sister inserts herself and the grandparents are fostering tensions be letting her know when you’ll be there. It’s not always easy to find one, easy way to define what’s “right.”
Good luck.
You are getting good suggestions that could work if you were dealing with normal relatives. Instead, you are up against people who are not limited by politeness, common courtesy or even basic human decency.
You can not out think these kind of folks, because they have no boundaries, no limitations of how far they are willing to go to get their way.
They are winning even now, as you spend mental energy trying to find a way to make it work. You are stressed out months before the actual event.
I have experienced this crazy myself, and understand you wanting to honor your D’s wishes. But you are the adult, and you know this is going to end badly. And since You know that D will not end up with a pleasant experience, you need to work towards some other way for H’s parents to celebrate with your D.
I think the question should be “what alternate situation can we arrange?”
A dinner with H’s parents so that they can see D, maybe get photo with D in her graduation gown, on a date further into the summer after the actual graduation ceremony?
You can work with your H, and together have honest talk with D. The only way to have an uneventful ceremony is to not invite H’s parents.
OP - do you have siblings? Will they be invited? Is your daughter the first grandchild in the family to graduate? I agree with asking grandparents if they want to attend (my parents live in town but did not want to be invited to the long ceremonies). I would also help DH compose an email or send a note with the graduation announcement to his sister with the appropriate information and that your daughter wants to keep it simple and small and so that is what will be happening. Maybe throw them a bone that you’ll let them know if that changes. Best of luck
@threebeans I do not have any siblings and yes, my D is the first grandchild to graduate on both sides. We did not order announcements so won’t be sending any. I generally think of them as a “money grab”, but that is my personal opinion. We have close friends and other relatives that share less DNA but with whom we are closer. They are well aware she will be graduating and many will send a gift because they choose to, much like a holiday or birthday gift. D has zero interest in a party of any kind so there won’t be any other gathering like that. We are deciding between telling Sis the plans are for something small and intimate per D’s request or saying absolutely nothing and dealing with the possibility of Sis showing up, if she decides to “surprise” us.
@powercropper You are right, that they are winning because we are stressing about it now. I hate that aspect most of all!