<p>Ek, thinking of you and hope you have someone there to support you in your times of need. So sorry to hear about your mother.</p>
<p>Oh, EmeraldKitty, I am so very sorry. You have had to deal with so much lately, and now this. You will make it through this, as you have all the other challenges. But it is so difficult. Truly, I am holding you in my heart.
~mafool</p>
<p>Years ago I had terrible food poisoning all day Christmas day. The one bright spot is that I thought, “Well, I’ve probably had the worst Christmas I’m ever going to have.” Hugs to you, EK, and hoping 2010 is a much better year!</p>
<p>thank you- I cannot tell you how helpful your support has been- it means alot.</p>
<p>This is making evident the place for ritual, which I see I don’t really have, neither I nor my mother, were currently attending any religious services, and while both of our beliefs are strongly more in the Unitarian vein, my sister as a member of the LDS church and my brother who has been sending me all these things about after death experiences and telling me about my mothers questions about " the darkness", seems to be leaning to the born again side, which I never would have expected from him- even if he * is* a Republician ;)</p>
<p>What I am concerned about, is helping my girls process this loss- it is the first death of a family member that they have been close to, which is very different from my experience growing up.</p>
<p>When my dad died, I was 17- it was very sudden & I was just stunned and couldn’t process it. During the service, the minister asked if I wanted to say anything, but I hadn’t even been to a funeral before that I could remember and I had no idea what to do. I took off as soon as it was over to get away from the elderly women who smelled of rose milk lotion who grabbed me even though I had no idea who they were. ( unless they were the same women who always told me to " get my hair out of my face & wipe off my white lipstick").</p>
<p>Even though I was very frustrated with my mothers tendency to stick to the easier path of agreeing with those around her even if it wasn’t to her benefit, I do at least have the reassurance that I didn’t take advantage of her & she did admit that my advice while she didn’t follow it- would have been better than the advice that she * did* take :rolleyes:
I think she also appreciated my irreverence and sense of humor- which neither my brother or sister seem to have much of- they have narrow guidelines of acceptable behavior and neither my mother or I have any idea how they came out like that.
</p>
<p>She was very supportive of my daughters, truly delighting in their passage to adult hood which was very appreciated, especially in contrast to the lack of attention from my inlaws.</p>
<p>I expect for a long time, I will be thinking of things to tell her & being sad to realize that she is gone. It just seemed really fast- but then I am sure it is even more difficult when people are in severe pain, but their bodies don’t let go for months or years.</p>
<p>What I am mostly dreading, is what comes next- both my sister and brother seem to believe that death is crossing over into some sort of place where all those we have known who have died are together and happy.</p>
<p>I am not criticizing those who believe this way & I can’t fully express what I do believe about where our spirit/soul goes, but I also can’t pretend that * I do believe it* and I feel myself getting angry when someone tries to convince me of " the truth".</p>
<p>Perhaps speaking in tongues would distract them.</p>
<p>EK, I’m very sorry for your loss. Being around people who don’t “believe” the same things you do can make you feel particularly lonely.</p>
<p>Whenever you get too lonely, just come on back to CC. We’ll take care of you.</p>
<p>EK…so sorry about your loss.
Your daughters are blessed to have known your mom.
I understand what you are feeling about dealing with people (especially family members) who have different beliefs. I tend to envy those who have strong faith…as it seems to be of great comfort to them at times like this. But I can’t fake myself into believing what they do…I usually just stay quiet. I don’t think these folks realize what’s going on…they’re just trying to help.
Peace be with you…</p>
<p>EK, I am sorry to hear about your loss. Hugs and prayers to you and yours in your hour of bereavement.</p>
<p>Oh, EK, I am also so sorry for your loss and also for knowing that you can’t rely on your brother and sister to be a source of comfort to you. I can imagine how difficult it will be trying to sort out all of your feelings and at the same time trying to respect their very different way of viewing death. I hope you find some small measure of comfort knowing you have a ton of people who care about you on CC, and while it isn’t even close to having someone with you physically, it is an indication of how YOU are cherished. </p>
<p>My prayer for you is peace and the ability to value what you were to you mom - a loving but slightly irreverent daughter!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>EK, bear in mind that most people don’t know what to say when a friend’s loved one has died…so they often blather on and say the wrong thing. I suspect that in the days to come you will hear a lot of religious platitudes, some deeply felt and some not. Just try to let it all wash over you - let the good stick and the bad or offensive flow away into the drain.</p>
<p>If at all possible, try not to argue with those who are sharing “the truth” with you. That will just make them afraid for your eternal soul and then they won’t leave you alone. Practice saying “thank you for coming” “thank you for your concern.” </p>
<p>Are your girls as irreverent as you? If so, they will be your allies and you can roll your eyes together when you are alone.</p>
<p>I do try to remember that those platitudes are being mouthed by people who mean well… It can be awfully trying at times.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss EK. My thoughts and prayers are w/ you. </p>
<p>Death can bring out some of the best and worst attributes of the survivors. I hope you and your siblings can spend time remembering and laughing about things that happened when your mom was alive rather than being preoccupied about where she is now.</p>
<p>EK–It is so very hard to sit through what I call the “death dance” of funeral home, service, burial, etc, when people around you have very different religious views. I won’t get into my personal views here, because they are personal 
but when I am in situation like that, I simply just repeat in my head that everyone has the right to their opinion. You can then say inside your head “I disagree with your opinion” and close the door on the matter. We live in a very LDS community and I am not into their views much but respect their passion for their religion. They 100% have the right to believe what they wish, but they don’t have the right to push those views on you and especially not during this time. I have never figured out folks that push how wonderful their respective religion is, yet act like just jerks trying to get you to be “one of them.” I would rather live my live acting charitable than talking about it, live my life loving people around me instead of criticizing them, live my life accepting instead of denying. But then again, I could talk the talk, not walk the walk and ask for forgiveness on Sunday. :)</p>
<p>It isn’t so much the people that mean well that bug me- I can put up with a lot- * really*, ( as long as I know I don’t have to sit next to them on an eight hour plane ride), but to me, my younger brother whose 1st wife ended up raising their two kids, because he didn’t keep his promise of not changing cities every year or so ( he kept reenlisting, and only recently moved to the same state where his now adult children live- he now has an 11 yr old daughter with his 2nd wife- but I think they are getting divorced too ), although the only time he spent overseas was in Germany, is not the wise philosopher he thinks he is.</p>
<p>I think it is pretty hard to be impressed by our siblings.</p>
<p>Ek,</p>
<p>Sorry I’m late to this thread, but my deepest sympathies to you and yours. My father passed away 10 years ago, two days after Christmas, and the sadness is still there.</p>
<p>EK. I’m sorry you have lost your mom and the girls their grandmom. </p>
<p>When my mom died I remember feeling actual physical symptoms of pain. It took awhile but the pain did go away and slowly my sadness turned to fond memories and thoughts. There is no set time to grieve. It takes as long as it takes.Wrap your arms around your girls and use them to hold you up while you’re holding them. They will take their cues from you on how to deal with such a great loss.</p>
<p>Sending you strength and warm thoughts to get you through these difficult times.</p>
<p>EK,</p>
<p>I am saddened to read of the loss of your beloved mother. I’m thinking of you. My mom died rather suddenly a year ago and so I know how painful this is now and will be in the future. I’m sorry for all you are going through. You have the support of many on CC for when you need others to “listen.” </p>
<p>{{{EK}}}</p>
<p>EK</p>
<p>Sending you all the sunshine I can from CA. </p>
<p>Think every Christmas light you see is someone from CC land wishing you support, there are AT LEAST that many.</p>
<p>oh EK, big hugs even if this isn’t the right place.</p>
<p>EK - my condolences on your loss.</p>
<p>Not a particularly uplifting though:, and I am sorry: I am still a bit confounded that someone thought it would be a good idea to include Oh Come All Ye Faithful among the hymns played at my mother’s interment. I couldn’t hear that song for years (think how often you hear that song in December) without being back in that cold, sad, cemetery.</p>