<p>EK - oh, dear. My greatest fear is that when my folks die what reason will I have for not telling my brother that I think he is a pompous arse. And that is the cleaned up version. So, I know this might sound crazy, but please know we will all be waiting here for you to unload all the things you would have liked to have said to your brother. We will have a whole thread and you can tell us the good, the bad, and the truly obnoxious. And then when I need you in a few years, you can do the same for me. </p>
<p>EK, sending you my thoughts, hugs, and wishes for comfort for you and your wonderful girls. Your girls are so fortunate that they were able to know your mom, and they’ll have those memories forever. My girls lost a grandparent last month and they are still processing it, but what is helping greatly is the memory of all the great moments they had together. Another grandparent who they lost when they were very young is a faint and distant memory, and two of them never even knew him at all, so that’s even more sad. The fact that your girls grew up knowing their grandmother is something that all kids should be able to experience. The three of you should be a comfort and support to each other, and, hopefully, be able to deal with those who make a difficult situation even worse. One thing that I’ve found helpful at difficult times of my life through the years is writing, and I’ve kept a journal for a long time. Maybe that would help you. In the meantime, know that all of us here are thinking of you and sharing a piece of your grief today. I hope that it will make your burden a little less heavy.</p>
<p>Warm thoughts to you and your family EK. We went thru this last Christmas, Mom was in the hospital in bad shape and in pain, and eventually died in late January. It’s an awful experience, and must be worse if the family isn’t on the same page about decisions (luckily my family all agreed). And the support from the community here at CC meant more to me than I can say. </p>
<p>EK, sending you heartfelt sympathy. I also lost my parents as a teen and if I could go back in time, I would want someone to explain to me what to expect at the funeral, etc. That is something you can do for your girls. Once you have an idea of what it will be like, talk to them about it. Talk to them about how how they can expect people to behave during any gatherings and so forth. You might want to ask them if they want to read a poem, or put together a poster with her picture on it - or something that gives them a chance to actively participate. Let them know that there is no one way to grieve or respond at a funeral. Ask them if they have questions. I’m sure that based on your experience, you will know what they need from you at this time.</p>
<p>thanks so much for all the support- my oldest is coming in tonight.
I havent spoken to her since wednesday.</p>
<p>Wednesday was the last time I saw my mother- I was told that the neurologist would be coming in to do an assessment after office hours.
I had already been back and forth across the bridge from Seattle to Bellevue 5 seperate times in 24 hours and I was exhausted.
I was told that no decisions were going to be made until we met with the hospitalist Thursday morning.</p>
<p>Late wednesday night my brother called me and said that his son ( my nephew who is about 23) thought that she needed her dignity and that they wanted me to come back to the hospital.</p>
<p>After I said I was too worn out to deal- they offered to come and get me because they said they wanted me to be " happy" with the decision.
I said I already was not happy, but those things couldn’t be changed & I wanted any decisions to wait till morning.</p>
<p>I figured that since I did not hear anything else Wednesday night or THursday, that they had removed the machines, but she was at least breathing on her own since the neurologist had said there was some lower brain stem function.</p>
<p>I had planned to go to the hospital on Thursday, but with caring for my elderly dog- taking my daughter to her appts- going to my school for those meetings about taking a medical leave- I was still exhausted.
I prepared to go first thing this morning.
I had called my brother yesterday and left a message asking what was happening- but no body returned my call.
My sister in law did call- but as she has an extremely heavy accent, I can’t understand what she says usually and she didn’t say anything when I said I was planning on going to the hospital.
I finally found recieved an update when I got ahold of my brother this morning as I was heading out the door at 8:30am.
Wednesday night, they removed the respirator as I suspected they were going to do, however, she died 15 minutes after that.
No body bothered to call me.
Not Wednesday or all day Thursday. ( my sister in law doesn’t count in this instance since she is not living with my brother and I didn’t think she had any update)
I am pretty upset and angry.
If it wasn’t for the abilty to let it all hang out on CC- I don’t know what I would do.</p>
<p>It really does help to have something else to concentrate on.
If you saw my thread about the New Orleans jazz fest at the end of April- I am trying to put all my ducks in a row so I can attend.</p>
<p>My mom was never interested in NO ( she grew up in the south part of midwest and preferred classical music), but I know she would love for me & my H to go, because she always really liked him ( in fact when I tried to break up with him years ago, she told him where I was ), and we rarely do anything like that.</p>
<p>So just trying to get through- trying not to get upset over stuff I can’t do anything about.
Which is a lot.</p>
<p>EK, I’m so sorry for your loss. No time is the right time to lose your mother-- perhaps you envisioned just after your daughter’s daughter’s wedding would be a good time, somewhere in that time frame-- but the holidays are particularly hard.</p>
<p>I’m trying to be charitable about your brother, but it’s difficult. Perhaps he was so upset by your mother’s passing that he just couldn’t function, even as far as calling his sister. Or maybe he thought your other sibling would be doing it, or your nephew… </p>
<p>I hope your family can come together in mourning your mother.</p>
<p>I do have the consolation that I am not them.</p>
<p>My brother tried to rationalize his behavior- he didn’t even seem to be embarrassed.
It is ironic as I think that while my mother drove me bonkers, I think because I don’t think I had an agenda with her, that she was able to be more of herself and that probably was why she kept telling me every time I saw her recently, that I was her favorite whatever that was supposed to mean.</p>
<p>It is especially hard, because just last Saturday, the last time I spoke to her, she sounded good, and I told her I wanted to take her to a movie, but because my hand was swollen, I couldn’t use it to drive. ( then my brother visited her and took her out for fast food)</p>
<p>Now my brother and brother in law are fighting over the handling of the estate, but I am just so happy that even though we have less money than either of them- I do not care about the money. I don’t want to be that kind of person.</p>
<p>But I guess I better get my moms address book and contact people cause my sister and brother are apparently not going to do it.</p>
<p>Hope your oldest made it home to you last night and that you have found some comfort in having her with you.</p>
<p>I went through a horrendous family funeral for my dad. Here is what i learned.</p>
<p>Bring together your friends and family that make you happy and support you. Have a gathering with these people to remember your mom the way you want to. This “celebration” of her life can become your memory of her death.</p>
<p>Put on some blinders and get through the funeral itself with as little contact as possible with those people causing you stress. Surround yourself with your d’s and leave as soon as you are uncomfortable. You are free to do whatever is best for you now.</p>
), and we rarely do anything like that.</p>