hurt from an unexpected source - need advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am back again for some of your words of wisdom. I want to thank everyone who read or posted or had good thoughts when I posted the thread about my MIL’s funeral earlier this year. This is part two. Sorry again for the length.</p>

<p>It is now time for a memorial service for MIL. Dealing with aged FIL this year has been very tough, and he is not only failing physically, but mentally he is declining as well. SIL has remained silent, never acknowledging MIL’s death or calling us or her father. The extended cousins have been of almost no support. I believe a couple of them called FIL a couple of times, but never visited etc. THey have not called us to see how we have fared. By way of background, my H visited his aunts and uncles both when they were ill, and before when they were well. All those that I am speaking of live in the same geographic area and live closer to FIL than we do (and conversely, we were further from their parents, but we still saw them).</p>

<p>Over the years these cousins did some things to us (H, D, me and also to MIL and FIL) that were hurtful. Most of these concerned omissions of invitations to “family” events. They really started from the very beginning of when I met these folks. We weren’t entirely omitted from everything (funerals we were called for), but some happy occasions were clearly intentional omits (and we found out accidentally.) For the most part I would tell H that these cousins did not treat us the way that I would want friends to behave, and as relatives they were not good either - never invited to major holidays kind of thing. I always felt that when we were invited, it was to bring a gift, and show up as an “extra”, and if we had a conflict (i.e. visiting my mom or step daughter), this was not respected, and they criticized us for not coming.</p>

<p>One of the few of this bunch that I thought of as a friend has just ignored our invitation to the memorial service. When the first email went unanswered, I sent another to a different email for them, and this went unanswered too. H is livid that they did not even respond. I am hurt (again, yes, I need a thicker skin).</p>

<p>On top of all of that, FIL blames us. We somehow (how I will never know), did not treat them correctly,in his opinion, and that is why they do this, and he “suffers because of us.”
I don’t want to go into all the many manipulative rude things that some of these relatives have done, but they were hurtful to me. FIL never really cared if I said that his niece or nephew hurt me or even D. It even seemed to me that he cared more that they he thought he was on good terms with them, and to heck with what we thought. I am not angry at FIL - he is too old and sick to feel anger towards at all. I think it is his limitation and I accept it. I just feel that these other relatives have been and continue to be toxic, and that it is so hurtful.</p>

<p>In the context of all of this, we got two baby announcements from some of these relatives in the past few weeks. This after they never acknowledged the invitation to my D’s grad party. I told H, that I am done. No gifts. He sent congratulatory emails, which I would have omitted, personally. Wouldn’t it be better to forget about these people? Who needs family like this?</p>

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<p>I have a sister who is hurtful to me. I hit a point a few years ago that I was ready to sever any ties to her. My dh encouraged me not to. I’m glad he did. This past year has been rough with our dad, who had a fall, hospitalization, surgery, rehab, etc. I can’t imagine having tried to navigate all that needed to be done if my sister and I hadn’t maintained a cordial relationship. We have a brother as well, who has really stepped up. </p>

<p>But the one thing I did do is change my expectation of her. Basically, I have none, so when she does something nice it’s a pleasant surprise. When she does something hurtful, I sometimes tell her so but then let it go.</p>

<p>I think your dh is right to send a congratulatory e-mail, but that’s as far as I would go. Not acknowledging the invite allows them to fill in the gaps with whatever crazy story they want. But sending an e-mail and not attending shows you got the invite, wish them well and that’s it. Setting boundaries is so freeing. If you don’t want to send a gift, that’s fine. But acknowledging the invites and not sending a gift puts them on notice that the rules are changing.</p>

<p>Good luck with the service and your FIL.</p>

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<p>Sorry for these circumstances. Responding only to this thread (not aware of history), if it is out of character for this one relative not to respond to a memorial service email, I would call to see if was received and if they are okay. Things do happen that are out of the ordinary and we have all missed an email. </p>

<p>As to the rest of the bunch and “why bother?”, certain people are very limited in what they have to offer. Since I can’t change others, I try to focus on how to not find myself disappointed with how I respond and avoiding the feeling that I “stooped to their level”. Cordiality has its functions and maintaining it is hard to regret. Being a doormat, not so much. </p>

<p>The other piece of this is when I put myself out to help, I do it cleanly with no assumptions that others will respond in kind. If I can’t pitch in without tons of resentment and expectations (especially those unlikely to met), I have to sort it out. Hopefully, those visits to the aunts/uncles had meaning to you and your husband. In your situation, to the extent that a memorial service matters to those closest to me, I would want the focus to be on that and not allowing the whole process to be hi-jacked. </p>

<p>It is hard when you have put so much into helping FIL, and then are blamed for tensions that he cannot be spared. It seems it is often the most steadfast family members that take the heat- everybody knows that they will carry on with integrity; the weaker links get the free pass. I have walked in those shoes and have empathy. I hope it all works out with a minimum of drama. In this case, I would also be most comfortable with my spouse taking the lead with his family and trying to reduce my emotional engagement with the difficult ones. Best to your family.</p>

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<p>Why are you even having a memorial service? Why not just have something for immediate family and let it go? Why so you wnt to. Be around these people?</p>

<p>Fil is blaming you for whatever, they treat you poorly, and seem to not be interested. Why push it? </p>

<p>If this were me I would not continue to worry who shows up for memorial. I would expect them not to come and focus on my own family.</p>

<p>If you know they are toxic why do you keep wanting them to suddenly be decent?</p>

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<p>Since the word “toxic” sums up your description…I would fade in the background totally and just support my H in what he feels is necessary. No expectations of what others do/don’t do will make life much easier for you.
I would let H take the lead with his family–congratulatory e-mails are fine, he wrote it and sending it shows good will. I wouldn’t be the one doing memorial services (why is there one?) unless the purpose was to help H do something that he felt was necessary. I would help your FIL (and you said you would) because that supports your H too.</p>

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<p>And if h feels necessary he can deal with his family.</p>

<p>I have a few relatives I would no way have in my life if they didn’t come with husband.</p>

<p>They wpuldnt be my firend, nor business partner, nor would I want to go outof my way to be with them.</p>

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<p>As some of you know, I’ve had all sorts of misery from my sister and her daughter. My husband has totally stepped out of the situation. He is polite to me about it, but will do nothing, say nothing and attend nothing where they are present. This makes him much happier and has totally clarified things for me since the relationship with my sister stands on its own and isn’t entangled in any other relationships. When I could see it for itself, it was clear that it brought nothing positive to my life and I calmly and peacefully let it go. If she were ever laying in the street in front of me, I wouldn’t step over her, but we have very limited and totally matter-of-fact contact. I can’t tell you how freeing it is. For you to step out of your husband’s relationships with his family would be a gift from you to him because it would give him the same clarity.</p>

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<p>I also wondered why you are holding a memorial service. Make it just for your immediate family from this point forward. Don’t follow up on the invitations unless your H wants to himself.</p>

<p>I agree with zoosermom-these are your husband’s relatives. He has history with them. You are “my brother’s wife”. It’s much easier to let thing roll off if you keep that perspective in mind when you think of, or deal with, them.</p>

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<p>From earlier this year about mil’s funeral:

So, is the memorial service just for show, also? (I echo others; why is there a memorial service?)</p>

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<p>“one of the few I thought of as a friend has ignored the invitation to the memorial service”</p>

<p>This is presuming an awful lot on my part so “sorry” in advance, but maybe they think a memorial service isn’t needed either. You seem to be the one doing the planning (just from what you’ve told us)–maybe it’s just time to take a really big step back.</p>

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<p>I would hold a very small memorial service for your immediate family and friends ( those you have chosen as family). The less you expose yourself to any more slights (intentional or not) you will feel better. Some people are in your life for moments, days, months or lifetimes. Letting go of them will open the door to new relationships. You can pick your friends, not your family. Bless them and go on
your way. Hurt people, hurt people. Forgiveness in this case is ridding yourself of any resentment and filling your life with people who will be there for you. Hugs to you.</p>

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<p>The bad behavior of your extended family is a reflection of them, not of you. Your aging father in law is not correct in his assertions that things are your fault no matter how many times he wants to say them.</p>

<p>Would it help you to just think about the planning less? Que sera, sera? If they come, they come. If not, that’s what it will be. </p>

<p>I’m sorry for the upset. As a caregiver to many, remember to care for yourself in all ways.</p>

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<p>These are pretty common issues. Here’s how we approach them: we cut slack for a) derangement and other personality disorders and b) other niceness. If a relative is weird, we factor the weirdness into our interactions and adjust expectations. If a relative is nice but acts weird in this one area, then we credit the niceness and live with the crap. If a relative crosses that undefinable line, then we limit contact. Only you can decide where the line is. BTW, this kind of thing is often a good occasion to remind each other that, honey, I’m so glad you’re not like x and, yes honey, you have all these good qualities and I wish these others were more like you but …</p>

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<p>Why a memorial service since there was a funeral service??? Never would have thought an RSVP was indicated for one, either. You decide at the last minute if you feel up to going (I hate funerals). I’ve seen memorial services in the Obit pages of the newspaper and presumed any and all who chose to show up could.</p>

<p>Agree if you want one just hold a memorial service as others suggest. I think most would feel it was redundant.</p>

<p>Families will be families- weddings, funerals are the sorts of things bad feelings are generated from. Move on and don’t worry about it. People grieve in their own ways as well- some may not want to be reminded of a death and want to put it away in a unvisited part of their brain.</p>

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<p>I don’t understand the need for a memorial service.</p>

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<p>zoosermom’s take is right on-point. OP, these people are never going to change. Maybe it’s time to let go of the idea of “happy family” with these folks, and only deal with them when you absolutely must.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your advice, thoughts etc. It does help. </p>

<p>To those who asked why the memorial, I did want to clarify. This was (again) another event for the benefit of FIL and his need for ceremony, tradition, attention, etc. He would have been unable to arrange an event at this point in life - no longer really has the capacity to do, or must manipulate us into doing so (it really doesn’t matter which at this point). There is a certain tradition associated with this, and that also had a forced feeling to it. For H, this did not have to take place, but due to SIL having decided never to speak to any of family, that left only H to do this for his father, which in reality left me to at least help arrange this. If we did not do this, we would never have heard the end of it from FIL.</p>

<p>Really, I have told H that I am not in general available for those of this group that are as someone up thread said “deranged”. They have a whole big problem in that many of this group deny that the deranged are such, and many of the problems flow from this denial as well. So now that this is done, I feel that I can limit my exposure to those not deranged or in denial. H will have to decide for himself.</p>