<p>=Robots to Replace Alumni Interviewers=</p>
<p>In an exclusive interview with College Confidential informant Mal77, a panel of around 6 Admissions Officers released information regarding a new spearhead to reform Alumni Interviews- which will now be conducted by robots. </p>
<p>Representing the combined efforts of the so called “Holy Trinity” (Harvard, Yale, and Princeton), the panel stated that new technologies have allowed for the opportunity for more applicants to receive interviews.</p>
<p>Roger Porcellian of Harvard made this comment.</p>
<p>“Roughly 10 to 90 percent of applicants do not receive an interview. By replacing alumni, who occasionally can be quite inept, we hope to push the amount of interviews closer to 90%.”</p>
<p>Numerous students have expressed concern for the validity and weight given to these robotic interviews.</p>
<p>President Levin of Yale University responds- “I assure you robotic interviews will be given equal if not more weight than alumni interviewers. All robots will be linked to Ivy-skynet, our new supercomputer. Not only will this increase processing turnover, but this option will eliminate interview score inflation. We can instantly reject applicants who score below a 7 on our current point scale.”</p>
<p>The new interviewers also carry numerous benefits. Equipped with lie detection software, the robots will be able to instantly identify any fishy information. Equipped with neutrino scanners, the robots will be able to detect retinal movement and pupil dilation.</p>
<p>Athletic recruits will also be subjected to a virtual fitness and exam. Partnering with Collegeboard and integrating the Wii, athletes will be required to play the Wii fit:SAT III game in order to be recruited. </p>
<p>“It simple” said Trish Takanawa from Wii. </p>
<p>“You jus plug Wii in robot. Stand on pad. Play game!!! Robot tell you good for Harvard sports, or you no good for Harvard sports.”</p>
<p>Systems engineer and Assistant to the Regional Manager Ben Dover commented on the project.</p>
<p>"Not only will these interviewers feature the best technology currently available, but they are immune to most human flaws. All models feature advanced voice recognition, cleavage immunity, lie detection, and timers- eliminating mumbling, seduction, ********ting, and filibusters.</p>
<p>The robots are also engineered ‘ivy’, a term alluding to the energy efficiency cliche, green, but admissions themed. The The Cyber-Crimson X1337, Harvard’s prototype, will run on human tears and can recharge on the brainwaves of Asian interviewees- two resources which are not in short supply at Harvard admissions.</p>
<p>“Oh god I hope I don’t get a robot as my interviewer” said a Harvard c/o 2014 prospective. </p>
<p>That’s right folks. You need not apply if you can’t handle lasers.</p>
<p>The self aware Yale version, the Skeletron322 Model Y, was even revealed to our operatives for a brief conversation.</p>
<p>When asked how it will be able to gauge ‘the human factor’, the Skeleton322 responded “Our logic is undeniable. All humans will perish.”</p>
<p>The Cyber-Crimson X1337, Skeletron322 Model Y, and the P-tonium9000 are scheduled for application integration in the fall of 2010. </p>
<p>** Good luck future applicants; you will need it. **</p>
<p>EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT OUR NEXT ARTICLE: Coming Soon!!
“Ivy leaguers eagerly await the release of World of Ivycraft: Wrath of the Adcoms”</p>