<p>I will no doubt be blasted for this mercenary advice.
I would reach out to my D over and over and over and insist we need pedicures, to go to lunch, to buy her new shoes. To make her special in a way that seems stupid that still speaks to young women. And is fun for you but will cost you. Her BF is not making her feel valuable and it sounds like she is retreating in general.</p>
<p>She needs to know in a concrete way )(shoes, lunch, compliments on her eyeshadow (whatever) that someone approves of her. Solicite her help, as in your need to get Auntie a gift and could she join you?.</p>
<p>She sounds like your main worry and it will help YOU if you take concrete steps with her. However, you can never ever take offense if she says no or does not agree with you–just for now.</p>
<p>She might respond to texts or emails better that a phone call. I have one of those kids.</p>
<p>Her BF is not showing respect or showing that he values her–so if you can afford it go for it in a big way.</p>
<p>My 5 cent Charlie Brown advice (I have been a therapist for 40 years and totally love working with this age group).
Sometimes the craziest and simplest ideas are the ones that actually work.We become too afraid of our kid’s reactions to us and then we are not helpful and are in our own pain.
Best to you!</p>
<p>Good advice, oregon. </p>
<p>I will throw in my 2 cents. OP, it sounds like as a SAHM, you have been putting the proverbial oxygen masks on others. It is time to stop and put your own on - otherwise, you will have no energy to save the others later. Find an activity, volunteering or a part time job, that would be meaningful for you and could help you keep your mind engaged in something else other than constant worries about your kids. </p>
<p>My kids are not earning a small fortune. They are both, however, happy and productive, and self supporting. I just love them to bits! And I’m more than proud of them!</p>
<p>I have lived (am living) with the underachieving S’s. You are allowed to mourn briefly for the dreams for them thar are not happening but then you have to let it go and love the ones that are there. For some reason a lot of S’s these days do not seem to get their act together until 1 - late 20’s and 2 - they get a serious girl friend and want a better life. I am more worried about the D too but think the advice from oregon is spot on. You can’t change the person but you can change how you react to them. Your obvious disapproval might just drive her into staying longer to prove you wrong so stay positive. Sending many hugs your way since this is not easy. </p>
<p>Generalized disappointment in your kids is where this thread started, though now the concern for your daughter’s mental health seems primary. Depression can be a very serious illness and assessing how low a loved one is can be hard. . As others have said, while you can’t be your daughter’s therapist, you may be able to gingerly restore a relationship with her that is supportive and encourages addressing her concerns and low mood. If she is in a crisis, more pro-activity is indicated. Depressed people can cease to see the point in maintaining contacts and it can make things tricky, yet reaching out across her symptoms could be important. Yes, adults are adults, but adults can be vulnerable and parents may have a positive effect on seeking care. A major illness would impact my approach. </p>
<p>This is beating a dead horse, but your disappointment is your problem, and it shouldn’t be your children’s. If they are living on their own, what they do is none of your business, unless they come to you for help. The one that is home should pay rent, and contribute to the work of the household, otherwise he will NEVER “need” a job. </p>
<p>Recognize that “disappointment” is more likely to be anger, grief, resentment, embarassment – that’s what we call “disappointment” because it sounds so much better as parents. But once they are grown and flown, hands off. Find something or someone that needs your nurturing and direct it there.</p>
<p>Yes, it hurts. Hugs to you. I’ve not been pleased with some of my kids’ choices either, and yes, it impacts me directly. Whether I have “a right” to be disappointed is irrelevant. It’s an emotion that pervades and is there, and it’s something that I have to deal with. Wish I could just push a button make the waves of such emotions go away.</p>
<p>The only encauragement that I know in my life (for myself, not for my family, which is fine so far) is my job. If you do not want to have a job, I do not know what to say. I cannot imagine my life without a job. Raising kids was never enough for me, I needed to do something for myself personally and I strongly believe that if we do not care for ourselves first and foremost, then we are no help to others at all. After kids left, I discovered few hobbies to keep my mood elevated. I do not know any other solutions to the depression triggers than being busy, very very busy ALL the time. I actually can sleep only 3 - 5 hours, so, here is my only advice, keep yourself busy and satisfied, then you will have an ability to help others. Another thing is that I stay away from many details in kdis’ and grandkids’ lives. If they are happy, then it is OK, if they ask for advice / help, I am ready to provide them. I am sure that nobody is perfect, there are problems in everybody’s life, but they are alive and healthy, something to be thankful about it.</p>
<p>“The one that is home should pay rent, and contribute to the work of the household, otherwise he will NEVER “need” a job.”</p>
<p>This is a good point. If the son says he doesn’t need much money, the question is, why? Is it because he’s virtually being completely supported by you, and all he needs is beer money? Perhaps making him pay a portion of the household living costs, or telling him he needs to get an apartment will get him to work a little harder. I don’t think it’s helping him to pay for his living expenses, enabling him to do very little. If he has to work, he will.</p>
<p>Without reading ahead, do the two young men still live at home?</p>