I. am. sooooo. disappointed. in. my. children…..

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi College Confidential. I really need some help here. I have always been a SAHM and my youngest graduated two years ago. My oldest never even finished. And in between is what, I thought, would be the “rose between two thorns”, a girl. But it turns out, she’s troubling too.</p>

<p>My oldest partied too much, played video games too much. And even after living at home for awhile, switching majors, and going to our local CC, he gave that up to live with an old roommate. That roommate meanwhile has graduated and moved out, but my dear son is still doing what he’s been doing the past 4 years: delivering pizzas! (No joke.)</p>

<p>My middle daughter was nothing like her older brother. In fact, she skirted through college and got a “real” job to start immediately after her graduation. The problem I have now is that 1) her job is not at all on a career path. It’s truly a deadend job in a deadend community. She hates it there. 2) She has a bf, but I can’t stand him. He’s completely taking advantage of her, since he has no job. and 3) their tiny apartment is an absolute pigsty. Seriously. I went there a few weeks ago and finially decided to help her do a little cleaning. Yuck! It took at least 5-7 black trash bags filled with boxes, packaging, envelopes, expired train tickets, empty beer and soda pop cans and of course food everywhere. It’s just a very lucky thing it’s a new apartment, since the cockraches would have a field day in their place.</p>

<p>My youngest graduated, but even after two years, he too doesn’t have a steady job. Every once in awhile, he’ll dog sit or cat sit. He does a few data processing temp jobs. At times, he’ll bartend. But nothing much more than that. He tells me he doesn’t need the money and fortunately he’s out with his friends a lot. </p>

<p>But help!!! I’m drowning and I need some encouragement. I suppose I should get a job, but actually, my dh is thinking about retirement. It’s just that we’re not sure when and even if the children are ready for us to move out of state. Maybe that’s the only hope, but it’s very, very hard after helping them so much through all these years.</p>

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<p>I can understand your disappointment; sometimes kids have to be “hungry” for something before they will move out of their comfort zone. They are not there yet but your moving away would be a good first step I think to get them to realise what life without their security blanket would be like. </p>

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<p>Maybe thats just it. And exactly what you need to do. Do they know that you will help/bail them out if need be? Maybe they’ll have more incentive if they need to do it on their own. Just a thought. Good luck! </p>

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<p>Are your adult “kids” all safe? Do they make ends meet on their own? If they are pursuing jobs and relationships that would not be your first choice, that can be unpleasant for you. If they are safe, and you are disappointed, then so be it. There are many paths to maturing. If they are paying their own bills, are well and generally free of mental or other health issues, carry on with your life as you see fit., Set limits and let them experience the consequences of their choices. I would not want to put plans on hold while waiting for well adults to see things my way. If any have major issues, they are theirs to address. You can suggest ways for them to tackle the issues, but you can’t do it for them. Sometimes meandering kids rise to the occasion when options are narrowed, in a pragmatic, realistic and loving way. If any are home, give them a short, but reasonable time frame to find an affordable alternative and carry on. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. Hang in there. </p>

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<p>Travelnut said it way better than i did!</p>

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<p>If your kids are unhappy, be disappointed for them, not disappointed in them.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the reassurance. Travelnut, I think that issue is our biggest concern: are they making ends meet? My oldest is definitely not. He has some mental issues, but nothing that will qualify him for govt assistance. I don’t worry so much about my youngest, since he’d be fine to sleep on someone’s couch. But, I just feel so trapped. And so sad and unfulfilled. I worry about my daughter too. She has moved out, but is living in terrible conditions and in a good-for-nothing job. She knows it too. She is very depressed and rarely ever relies on us. I keep telling her we’re there to help, but why-oh-why is she living in such a mess? Often, she won’t even answer our phone calls.</p>

<p>If we are to move out, which is inevitable, I’m not sure when. That may take a few more years of saving before we can afford it.</p>

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<p>How is your youngest supporting himself? Is he living at home? He may not have much incentive to look for a job if he doesn’t need the money.</p>

<p>We really have no control over our adult children’s choices, so focusing on them is not going to lead to a solution. One aspect of being a SAHM is that family members expect you to be there for them. This makes sense when they were younger. The spouse’s job takes priority. I hear this in your statement that you would like to work but your husband may or may not retire at any time, which might disrupt what you are doing- so you don’t even know if you should try.</p>

<p>Some of this could be your children’s own faults, but since you can’t do anything about them, you can only look at yourself. This isn’t to blame yourself, but you are the only one who can take any action- they surely won’t unless they have to. </p>

<p>You might want to consider counseling to see where you are enabling your family. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It could help you change. Being a SAHM is a job that results in “unemployment” and that is scary, particularly if helping your kids has been a focus. </p>

<p>The way out is to take care of you. If that means finding a job- just do it- regardless of where or when your husband retires. What are you doing for your kids that you could do something for yourself instead? It will be hard to “cold turkey” what you do and also expect them to just leave out of the blue. However, you can set a goal of 3-6 months and you kids are on your own. </p>

<p>Also know that when you make a change like this, people who are comfortable where they are at will make it harder. They may not want to change. To stay firm and on track, you may need the support of counseling. </p>

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<p>

Can you clarify? I thought you said in your OP that you were not working and your husband was thinking of retiring.</p>

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<p><<<
're not sure when and even if the children are ready for us to move out of state.
<<<</p>

<p>Do not wait until your kids are ready. they won’t ever be ready as long as you are around. </p>

<p>Tell the youngest he has X months to find a real job and move out. He’s free-loading off you. The fact that he says he doesn’t need the money, but goes out, is suspicious. Is he drug-dealing? Is he swiping money from your wallets? </p>

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<p>Oh, I feel so bad for you, and I feel so bad for your kids. It’s horrible to live your days feeling like you have let down someone you love. </p>

<p>The only behavior you have any control over here is your own. You can approach this problem a number of ways. </p>

<p>1) you could focus on the things that are going well, instead of on the things you don’t like. Your son called you to say hello? Excellent, thank him for calling, don’t nag, and hang up before you say anything you wouldn’t have wanted to hear when you were his age. </p>

<p>2) you could make sure there are no medical issues–are you depressed? is your daughter depressed? there are medical treatments–and your daughter may need your help to see that. </p>

<p>3) you could let it go for a while and focus on your own life. what did you enjoy most about being at home? Babies? go volunteer to provide respite care for harried moms. Cooking? see if there’s a volunteer job cooking for people who will be happy you made them dinner. Reading mysteries while the kids were at school? go get a new stack from the library and enjoy them. </p>

<p>Frankly, your kids don’t sound that disappointing to me. You don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend? Well, she’s not going to be happy about that, and you’re likely to end up chasing her away–but they are working on creating a life together, and perhaps you can find a way to celebrate that she’s found someone. Oh, and don’t clean up after her! Don’t say anything. It’s not your problem. Really. </p>

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<p>It’s common for stay-at-home moms to feel let-down after the real “raising” is finished, even if one’s kids are doing well. I second the suggestion of some counseling for yourself, and perhaps a job if you think it would help you get your thoughts off of your kids and on to you and your husband’s future.<br>
A psychologist might tell you that you and your kids are “co-dependent,” but labels aside, it’s likely they would have some suggestions on how to get your life on track. I don’t think you are experiencing anything that many other women in your position (SAHMs) haven’t experienced. If there were a 12-step program for “Is that all there is” syndrome, the rooms would probably be full!</p>

<p>No one here can tell you what your life should look like, or how to get your kids to grow up. I do think that an experience counselor/psychologist can help you see what your part in the situation is, help you make changes, and then go from there. Sometimes an attitude shift on “our part” can shift the thinking of those around us in remarkable ways.
Good luck! I’m sure many of us can relate, no matter how “successful” or not our kids might be.</p>

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<p>So much good advice. I recall a mom seeking therapy because her DD was living with a free-loading, beer-guzzling guy. (His family sounded awful.) Her DD worked, came home and cooked, cleaned up, and the b/f would go off and buy a big TV. The mom and I strategized how to handle situation. Fast forward, DD moved home with parents, got a MA, married a nice man, and is proud mother to a toddler. I was invited to the wedding, but could not go. It really helps to have someone to discuss these issues with, and come up with various ways to problem solve. </p>

<p>Go for a job, Assign chores to the one at home. Ask him to pay his share of utilities and food, etc. reread advice already offered. Any my best to you.</p>

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<p>What are you already doing for yourself and your life post-SAHM? Are you involved with a bookgroup? Do you volunteer in the community regularly, where you get to know more people? Is there a job you’d like to prepare for? Move toward these types of things and believe that your kids will find their way. You also might wish to meet with local NAMI group, if you’re going to help your oldest (if he has some MI issues). Just articulating your situation can put you on a path to resolving it. </p>

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<p>Thanks for all these great suggestions … and letting me vent.<br>

  1. I do lots of volunteering. Now that school is starting again, I’ll go back to help one of the teachers I’ve been helping for years. She’s so grateful. </p>

<p>2) I don’t worry so much about my youngest. He’s settling back home just temporarily, I’m sure. He spent the past year backbacking in India and Asia. Mom2, I don’t think of him as freeloading because he’s very grateful. He’s just that way and the least of my problems.</p>

<p>3) I get the sense that my daughter is terribly depressed, which is one of the reasons why she so infrequently calls. I wish I could help, and that was why I went there a few weeks ago to clean up. I actually hadn’t been there for quite awhile and shocked at the conditions she was living in. I certainly didn’t go there to clean, but that trash heap was such a dump, how could I not?</p>

<p>4) jym, you asked for me to clarify my comment about our plans to retire. My dh is currently working, but eventually would like to retire. I think he enjoys working, for the structure as well as financially. Eventually he’ll want to retire. Even though I’m a SAHM, my dh’s income still allows us to save a bit each month. He’s a financial advisor, so he’s well aware of what we’d need to have in order to retire.</p>

<p>5) Not sure what type of job I can get. I was in sales before, but I think there’s an age discrimination for these things and I’m not that cute young girl anymore. Plus, it’s hard to break back into the field because technology has changed so much over the years.</p>

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<p>Learning a bit on the computer could be really helpful. An Excel course? A website design course? That type of thing. </p>

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<p>Sorry… you can be grateful and still freeload. You need to accept that your oldest two are adults now, and you can’t control or fix their problems. Your youngest could easily slide into a similar path – you should set some rules for staying at your house (chores, covering some expenses), and set a deadline for him to move out or move on to the next phase of his life.</p>

<p>Do you have your older ones over for dinner sometimes? Seems like your family might be one where a weekly connection (maybe Sunday night dinner) at your house might be a good way to keep tabs and keep a good connection with them, especially your daughter.</p>

<p>And I do think you need to find something to occupy yourself. A job, even part time, of some kind could help you cushion your retirement income, and keep you from spending too much time worrying about kids that are now grown.</p>

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<p>Our son isn’t self-supporting yet, but he’s trying. I can’t tell you what to do about your kids, but I think of the words from Camelot, simply love them , love them , love them. On the other hand, take care of yourselves!</p>

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<p>zweebopp, I am sorry about your worries. You have sacrificed so much for your kids, and they are not at the place of happiness and independence that you’d hoped they be. However, just consider this…their stories are not yet written. They are just starting off, and they have a long way to go. So many things can change for them in the future. Now if they were in their forties or fifties, that would be depressing. This could just be a brief lull in their lives. </p>

<p>Older son will probably soon tire of delivering pizzas, and younger son might realize that since he wants very little, he is not motivated to work too hard. He may soon enough find his passion and decide he wants to work instead of drift. He sounds capable. But feeling that your daughter is depressed has got to be so difficult. What is it they say, you can only be as happy as your saddest child.</p>

<p>I have no inspiring words of advice. Except I hope you find something fun and interesting for you to do, to help take your mind off this. You’ve done what you can, now do something for you. If you decide to move, it could help them be more independent.</p>

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<p>So it’s sounding like your problem is really boiling down to your daughter’s state. </p>

<p>The other things will all be fine on their own (even the pizza-delivering son, if he’s happy enough and independent, then, for some people that is fine, and they get their satisfaction in life from friends or whatever it may be. They are not driven, but imagine a world in which everyone was driven.) </p>

<p>But your daughter is struggling, and incapable (as depressed people often are) of pulling herself out of it. And it’s really hard to reach her. I don’t know if you could gently coax her to join you once a week for walks or tea or shopping. Maybe just creating a space for her to begin to feel comfortable expressing things to you…and at that point you could let her know how much you would like to help her…how it’s okay that this happened to her, and that as hard as it may be for her to see it, it won’t be like this forever…and then it can go from there. Funding her therapy, perhaps antidepressants, gym membership if it gets to that point, etc. But I would be careful not to scare her back into her shell - go slowly, be an ear. (Of course, if you are actually worried for her safety, then you don’t go slowly, obviously.) Best to both of you.</p>