This kid needs to own his college search. I’m not sure why this (step)parent feels the need to push this.
Heck…I couldn’t convince my bio kid to apply to my Alma mater…and it was a great choice for her majors.
Honestly…I would let this go. This kid is going to college…it’s not like he is going to hang out in your basement playing video games eating bonbons.
The most I would offer is a trip to visit this school. After that…don’t tak offense if he says it’s not the school for him.
After all…HE is going to college…not you.
I’m not meaning to be snarky…and I know you are trying to be helpful…but this just might not be right from HIS point of view…and that needs to matter.
And agree…top 15 schools are a crap shoot for admissions for even strong legacies. Have you donated enough to fund a building? If not…this might not be a slam dunk.
Sounds like your stepson and wife want the comfort of proximity and maybe they are afraid that he’d be unable to successfully compete at your school. What are his grades and stats like? If he’s a strong student, what does his guidance counselor say? Maybe the GC or one of his teachers can help him realize that he should feel confident with his abilities and he should apply to a variety of schools, including schools like yours that will require him to stretch.
Agree, it seems he may not comprehend the opportunity he could be passing up, and neither does your wife, primarily because she didn’t experience what you did. Understanding the differences a good private school (and a top 15 at that) offers is sometimes only understood by people that attend them. He doesn’t get that the connections he has coming out of a top private college makes it worth the price of admission. And the idea legacies have to buy buildings to have influence admission is such a silly stereotype on here - there are a lot of connections in the world and at universities that don’t require that kind of investment to help.
You can’t push too hard on this or they will reject it outright, I would take the “humor me” approach. Ask him to apply just so it may be an option, in case he learns more about it that he likes between now and next spring. Things change a lot over the next 6 months for many kids. How about all three of you spend time at both schools? Not suggesting just doing a tour for a couple hours, as those can be hit and miss, so do those but spend your own time there to get a feel for the ambiance. Walk around on your own, talk to people. If he is an academic fit, and you have the financial means for a top 15, that is an opportunity that he may not realize just how good it is until it is too late. Is there a sporting event you can attend? Do you have some alum friends he could talk to about his major/college thoughts? If he is undecided on his major/plans, the private will likely afford him much greater (and easier) ability to change and find his way through the years. The worst thing that could happen is you are stuck in a major and get a degree you don’t want because you couldn’t change. That doesn’t happen at all public’s, but it doesn’t happen at a private.
He is young and hasn’t seen all that you have. But imparting wisdom to someone his age has to be slow and easy to be effective. You have time to see if it is a right fit for him and he has time to decide if he likes it. You are paying for college and the applications, the least he can do is humor you by applying and giving your school a chance.
We live on the northeast which is jam packed full of top schools. We know more than a handful of full pay, legacy students who did NOT get accepted to the family Alma mater…and some of these parents were prominent folks.
With very low acceptance rates, none of these schools are a slam dunk as this step father seems to think.
Is this student in the ballpark stats wise for this top 15 school?
And frankly…what’s wrong with the local public university? You know…there are plenty of very successful people on this world who graduate from their local public university.
We had a family member with outstanding stats…whose father, grandfather, and two siblings graduated from one top 20 school. Kid applied ED and did NOT get accepted…didn’t even get deferred. Got outright rejected. And their ED acclicants have a higher %age of acceptances…presumably because folks with legacy status are considered. Oh…and this IS a school that considers legacy status. Oh…and they were full pay too.
Oddly, she was accepted to a different top 20 school regular decision…and loved it there.
you specifically mention “R1” university. May I assume that your ‘T15’ is a LAC? If so, you might be barking up the wrong tree if son wants a big college. Not every kid want’s a lac-like experience. Neither of mine did, even though we visited a bunch of them. My kids just didn’t want to attend a college that was smaller than thier HS. (They refused to get out of the car at Hamilton.)
I think the best you can do is ask him to tour both campuses and ask him to keep an open mind. Then, I think you should let him know that you will support whatever decision he makes.
I get it. I’ve had to watch my kids make all sorts of decisions that I disagree with.
There are schools that factor in legacy status as a check on a box on the app, and then there are legacies whose kids are factored in regardless of many many things. @thumper1, apparently, your situation was the former. The OP could or could not be the latter. There are still admissions decisions made over a nice women’s lunch, a power dinner or a simple phone call between friends or associates. To believe otherwise is naive. When some people say they can get their kid in, they can get their kid in. As much as people want to be astounded, it happens, all the time.
Ask him to at least consider your old school. Do it in a manner that is not disparaging of his choice or preference for the local university. Make him aware of all the college has to offer such as internships, small class sizes, research opportunities, study abroad etc… Have lunch on campus, talk to students in the dining hall. Get the stats for the socioeconomic make up of the most recent class, number on Pell Grants, percentage on financial aid, number of first generation students etc. Don’t hide the fact there are some Preppy rich kids there. So what? They may be great kids.
Then go on a tour of the local university with him.
Draw up a list of pros and cons for each then let the chips fall where they may.
Or ask him to try your school for a year and if it’s not working out transfer.
That would imply that the parent is not an ordinary alum, but a particularly important one (e.g. major donor or otherwise very influential to the school), so that would be more along the lines of development admission, rather than ordinary legacy.
OP sounds like a sensible and logical man. He doesn’t seem to be and has never claimed that he is just an ordinary alum. And that’s the more reason that I think it would be the stepson’s best interest. The connection could help him beyond the college years, with even greater benefit.
You can be very influential just by being close to the right people, without being able to donate a large sum of money. No? Especially at a small and slightly less competitive private school. His wife and stepson doesn’t seem to be disputing that either.
The kid is said to be bright so I am assuming that he has necessary GPA and score to be admitted, although probably not as a scholarship student. But OP is full paying from his income. I don’t know much about those world, yet I have glimpsed enough to doubt OP’s claim. It might not be that hard to put an academically qualifying and fully paying legacy where the father has maintained a strong personal relationship with the right people.
It seems OP is not even in a position to make his stepson to take his opinion seriously, let alone insisting it. If it is taken, then it will be ultimately the stepson’s choice. And it seems the kid is likely to be more successful both academically and in career, by attending to OP’s alma mater. So I don’t see why he would resent it later.
I read another recent thread by a kid about his parent forcing him to attend an expensive private school away from home, instead of a cheap local state college, and the audience were more siding with the parents if I read them correctly. The tone seems to be very different in this thread.
I don’t think this would be very fair to other applicants and would have agreed if someone pointed it out. But I am not seeing that.
The question was not whether OP, who is probably being a bit vague for a good reason, knows what he is talking about when it comes to admissions. So often on CC people get bogged down arguing that the OP of a thread doesn’t know what he/she is talking about and wants to debate a different question. For the sake of being helpful, assume OP is correct that he has an adequate connection.
The power and importance of a network is difficult to convince someone of if they haven’t experienced it. Different details, but I lost a similar argument with my oldest S. I think he is happy where he chose, but he had tremendous connections at a better school (my alma mater) that he refused to seriously consider. He applied and was accepted (with outstanding scholarship money) but choose to go to a less prestigious school and pay an additional $10,000 a year to do so.
The big issue wasn’t the school itself, but there was a handshake agreement to be admitted into a couple very selective organizations with well connected and protective alumni groups. One because of me, one because of things he did during high school. He walked away from that to be a regular student at the directional U his girlfriend attended.
Yes he is on his own path, and I am supportive to him, I don’t bring this up with him. But he could have started out on third base, instead he is starting from scratch at a lesser school.
Maybe give your stepson some examples of what the network has done for you. Didn’t work for me, but my kid is particularly stubborn and there was a girl involved. Logic does not always role the day when an 18 year old and his girlfriend are involved.
Say the school is Williams. Not everyone wants to go to Williams. It’s small, it’s rural, it doesn’t have big time sports on Saturdays. There are a couple thousand preppy kids. It doesn’t have a lot of diversity, it isn’t easy to do internships in state or federal government. It doesn’t offer every major. Really, it isn’t a good fit for everyone.
Say the public school is Maryland. It’s urban, near both state and federal government offices, near several airports for travel. There are major league sports and professional theater, concerts, speaking events. There are a lot of other colleges in the area that also have sports and guest speakers and activities. It has way more than 2000 preppy kids, but there are plenty of other kids there too so maybe the preppy kids don’t stand out as much. It has a few national championships, a big marching band, theater and art programs, business major, fraternities, tons of clubs. Some kids don’t want the pressure of going to Williams when their friends are all heading down to UM, will spend weekends going home or to Ocean City, can keep their same part time jobs.
Sorry, but not everyone wants to go to a T-15 school, and not everyone is impressed with those who do. We looked at a lot of the top LACs for my daughter and they were just too small. She wasn’t interested. She ended up at a school with about 3500 undergrads and another 1000 grad students, and that was too small at times.
I may be out of line but the descriptions you use towards your wife and step son are demeaning… it’s just over their head. I don’t see your presentation of ideas of a supportive way to help them through this process.Your heart and goals may be in the best interests but the words that come out seem pushing that you know it all. If you turn it around and offer suggestions, visit the school he wants to attend, have discussions, visit you’re alma mater, visit other schools.
My daughter’s have made decisions that I didn’t think were the best choices. To maintain our relationship, I shared my viewpoints and listened to theirs. Everything seems to work out. Eldest is pursuing her Masters in Engineering and lives in Amsterdam. (Not my first choice but she fell in love, got married and is very happy. Her grad education is almost fully funded.) Youngest will graduate in December ( she’ll graduate a semester early and probably with top honors). Both of them turned down acceptances at higher ranked schools. It’s their life and their decisions.
First, use Fall break to go on tours. Include the flagship, your Alma Mater, and two other possibilities that may become safeties.
Second, explain how much it matters to you and that you understand he doesn’t want to follow in your footsteps. Indicate you won’t insist he attends if admitted but have always dreamed of your son having the extraordinary experience you had, and really, can’t bear the thought of him not applying. So can he please do that for your sake?
Third, tell your wife there are two parent picks on any kid’s list so you got yours, she gets to have hers.
Fourth, meet with the guidance counselor, all three of you. S/he may not back you but at least you may make sure the complete list has 2 true safeties and 3-4 matches in addition to Flagship and Alma Mater.
Btw, I get what you mean: more resources means better odds of graduating. But it’s hard to comprehend unless you’ve been through it.
I work in a school. “Fall Break” consists of one day…Columbus Day.
I honestly think the step parent can ask the student to tour the school. But that’s as far as I would push it. There is a terrific thread on this forum someplace about “silly reasons your kid didn’t like a school”. There are also good reasons…size, location, weather, other offerings, sports, accessibility or not to a city, etc.
This student could have some very good reasons why he isn’t at all interested in his stepdad’s Alma mater. I th9nk it’s important for the step dad to understand the words “I’m not interested in that school” whether step dad thinks that’s reasonable or not.
Don’t students get a long weekend, to which seniors can add a “college visit day” without penalty?
I think the stepson probably doesn’t want to follow in step dad’s footsteps, but it clearly matters a lot to stepdad that his son give it a chance and apply. I’d be on the ‘humor me’ side - stepson should do it as ‘parent pick’, as long as there’s a ‘mother’s pick’ and stepson has no obligation to attend once all admissions are in and have been considered.
In particular friends pushing for flagship may not get in, ‘nearby’ as positive in September may become a negative in April, etc.