Wife dropped out of a commuter college and she’s a stay at home mother. Stepson’s bio father is uninvolved. The young man is very clever, but naive and sheltered. I believe the resources at my private and very well-funded alma mater are ideal for him to thrive and broaden his scope, but he and his mother are seized with him attending the nearby R1 public university (where a handful of his friends are headed). In their opinion (note: base on zero research, just silly stereotypes), my alma mater is for “preppy rich kids” and my wife feels he’s not smart enough to be happy there. I’m frustrated because it’s impossible to have a real conversation with two people who know nothing about my alma mater or college in general, as they can’t comprehend the opportunities, and they refuse to learn or have an open mind. For the sake of full disclosure, my income pays for his education.
How would you proceed? I understand their fixation with the well-plowed path to the local flagship university, but it’s painful to watch them disregard a once in a lifetime opportunity to change this young man’s life because it’s just over their head.
What makes you think the public university is any less able to positively change this young man’s life than your alma mater. Or anyone else’s alma mater?
Are your wife’s concerns about his intellectual abilities at all valid? Do his grades and test scores align with the averages of your alma mater? Would your stepson be willing to attend a campus tour and information session? That might peak his interest.
Seems like the best thing to do is to emphasize the standard reach+target+safety strategy with your stepson’s college applications. Apply to three of each and include your T15 school in the reaches. See where he gets accepted and go from there.
@TomSrOfBoston I have nothing discouraging to say about the public university. It’s a fine college, I’ve spent an immeasurable sum of time researching it and talking to professional alums. I firmly believe my alma mater is a far better fit for the young man, far fewer distractions, far higher graduation rate, far higher 4-year graduation rate, and it will absolutely broaden his mind and get him out of his current bubble.
On the other hand, my wife and stepson can tell me nothing about my alma mater and very little about the public university. They don’t want to hear it, and refuse to inform themselves on their own time. The public college just feels right (I suspect because it’s closer and because of friends egging him on) and my alma mater SEEMS wealthy and intimidating.
If we knew the colleges you are talking about you may get a better discussion. Also your stepson’s stats.
What makes you think you can “get” him into your preferred college. Legacy will not make up for substandard stats. Could he be a developmental admit? hat would require you to donate several million dollars minimum.
Some compromises are in order. You should take him on a tour of the local school, ask questions, and keep an open mind, and your stepson and wife should tour your alma mater, also with an open mind. You should try to envision his personality at both schools (on the whole, “naïve and sheltered” and T15 is arguably a difficult - though not impossible - fit/match) and stepson needs to better articulate his preferences and requirements beyond “all my friends go here, and only snobs go there”.
Hopefully you’re both investigating and researching beyond just those two choices. Also, while you are offering an incredible opportunity, tread lightly lest you reinforce the stereotypes stepson has regarding your alma mater.
Top 15 schools are typically reachy for everyone, including ordinary legacies. Of course, if you have enough money to donate a building, you may be able to have more assurance of getting him in, but then that will reinforce the “preppy rich kid” stereotype that he has of the school.
What does he think he would like to study? If it is something competative like CS, engineering, or pre-med, then your wife may be right not to force him into a place where he feels less competative. He may psyche himself out whether he has the talent or not. If he is looking to major in something a little more “squishy” then the competition may not matter. All you can do is expose him to the opportunity. It is fair to ask him to take a tour and maybe attend an open house. Beyond that, I feel you will be making a huge mistake if you force him into a place he doesn’t want. You may deplore his reasoning, but ultimately, these kinds of decisions need to be left to the kids to make. There is no real wrong choice here. Its not as if he is choosing between an elite college and a life as a drug dealer. He is simply leaning towards a different kind of college experience.
I have so much respect for you for wanting to better the life of your stepson. Have the 3 of you toured both colleges? If not, you need to make time to do so. When you set up the visit with your alma mater, ask to have lunch with a couple of current students who have a similar background to your stepson. In my opinion, current students are the only ones who may be able to sway your stepson. Having said that, some of the brightest and most talented kids attend state schools. Most students, even those with the best stats, don’t have the luxury of being able to afford private or out-of-state schools, so please know that he can receive a great education at a state school. No matter the college, it will be up to him to make the most of it.
If you “got him in”, he’d never gain any confidence that he could do something on his own. Plus, unless you’ve given millions, you probably have less pull in admissions than you think.
^^^I disagree. For a LAC, connections can push a borderline student over - without additional money (full pay already helps). I have first hand knowledge of this (anecdotal). We are clearly not talking Williams or Amherst here - likely Colgate/Hamilton or something like that (or else OP would say top 10). ED really helps!
How about the finances? Can you easily afford the higher end school? Have you run the NPCs? Would he need to accrue debt?
If he’s really not interested, I don’t see what you can do. You can encourage him to visit a range of schools. I am curious what makes you so confident you can get him in for certain. Are his stats at least at the 50% for the institution? Going to a state school for undergrad doesn’t preclude jumping to a higher school for grad school.
It isn’t unusual for elite schools to have about 20% of their student bodies from FOO earning greater than $630K a year and 70% earning more than $110K. I know plenty of people here think 110K is petty cash but it is in the top 20% of wage earners. There are a disproportionate number of wealthy families at elite schools.
My gut reaction to your initial post is that this is your step son’s college search, not yours.
I agree that it would great if your step son would go on a campus tour of your alma mater but then after that, it’s up to him if he thinks it’s a good fit.
For the record, my daughter would have been a third generation legacy at my alma mater. We’ve been dressing her in swag since she was a baby, went to visit multiple times, but when the time came for the official tour, it felt short for her. She had very valid reasons and was able to articulate why school A was a better fit for her. She never would have been happy at our alma mater if we had forced her and is currently thriving in school A - a public flagship’s honors college.
Instead of looking at this as A vs. B, the three of you should tour at least four places that offer his likely major. That way all of you can develop better criteria for making the college decision, and when he does make his choice, he can know that he has thought things through. He might decide it is worth his effort to apply to A. He might decide B still is his favorite. He might ditch both of them for C or D or for an entirely different post high school plan.
Note that OP clearly has high income and strong connection to his alma matter. The stepson is not only giving up a great education from a resource rich college but also the social connection that OP can pull to help him in his early career after graduation. With a step father like OP, he is already a preppy rich kid who just doesn’t realize it.