I know having Antisocial personality disorder is a more deeper issue than not liking social interactions but that will be the word i’ll be using for lack of a better one.
Ok this is my first week in college and its going…NOT SO GOOD. I’m 7 hours away from home which is really effing far and i’m really homesick. Just on my 3rd day i called home crying saying that i will be dropping out while i could. My brother already graduated from college so he calmed me down and told me he understands what i’m going through.
Its Saturday today and my roommate and most of the other kids are going home since they live near. I am in my dorm room now really weirded out because i honestly don’t even know how i feel. I’m actually used to being alone all the time at home since i’m the last child and my siblings are way older than i am with their own lives.
High school was…WEIRD. i had no social life there because my freshman year i had a major culture shock since i came from a different country. People were really rude in high school and they were really into that drama bs which i didn’t like so my anti social tendencies started then. i isolated myself for pretty much all my freshman year and in my sophomore year for some reason started being a little more social i started hanging with a group of girls who aren’t as bad as the other kids so i thought why not. But i still got really exhausted just interacting with them and felt as if i was doing a chore instead of hanging out with my friends. I met my bestfriend through that group and she was just like me so we started isolating ourselves from the group during junior year and we only hanged around together. At least hanging around her felt fun because we were both sarcastic and enjoyed the same things so it didnt feel like i was doing a chore.
Even during HS graduation as soon as i got my paper i took pics with my fam and took pics with her and went straight home. Everybody else were taking pics with teachers and even with other students they had “beef” with just the other day. while i just rolled my eyes at how pretentious and fake everybody was.
I honestly didnt think College would be any different but for some reason i feel more guilty not being social here than i did in HS. Last night was Friday and i could hear bunch of ppl being loud and laughing together just outside my dorm and i would usually not even notice since i’ll be really into my favorite show but this time i felt like i was a loser. I know i would feel even more bad if i was there with them but there is this atmosphere in college that forces you to be social. Even during orientation the amount of pressure the people were putting on us to socialize was unreal. I honestly thought at least college was an environment were people mind their own business and get shit done and gtfo. But NO. everyone expects you to be part of clubs go to all the events and show your school spirit. I hate that.
I don’t even know what i’m asking here but i just dont want to feel guilty about chilling by myself because i honestly prefer that more than anything.
Anyways sorry for my long rant:(
PS; Ironically i’m majoring in psychology even though i have no interest in people i just want to know about myself
Don’t feel one bit guilty. It’s ok to be an introvert! Work on something you feel good about for the time being. The first weeks of college and dorm life are the most difficult. Hang in there, and be aware of creeping depression, and if that comes, please get some help. I am NOT suggesting you are depressed. Just to be aware it can happen to anybody.
I recommend this book to help understand yourself: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/quiet-susan-cain/1101870221 A LOT of people are introverts and feel just as you do. The early days of college and dorm life have a lot of manufactured social pressures and those will die down. The important thing is that your own internal voice is bigger than those pressures and that is a good thing.
Don’t worry about your major just yet. Just explore and give yourself permission to do it IN YOUR OWN WAY.
When you leave for college everything in your life gets discombobulated. The learning curve can be steep and you get lots of mixed messages. But, you feel what you feel, and like @redpoodles said, unless you have mental health issues that need treating, try to accept who you are and how you feel. If you are comfortable hanging out in your dorm room and watching a TV show by yourself, what is wrong with that? Would you tell someone in your situation that they were wrong for feeling the same way? You are actually in college to get an education. It is not a vacation party resort. Accept your you, get studying, and get the college experience that is yours, not some romanticized image.
I agree that it’s ok to be an introvert and if you are fine watching tv shows in your room then you don’t need to apologize for that. Contrary to what you believe, “everyone” does not expect you to join clubs, go to all the events and show school spirit. It’s just that those things tend to help the majority of students who are away from home for the first time get over the shock of being in an entirely new environment. It will die down once the school year gets underway and if you have no interest in people as you state above, then people will be more than willing to leave you alone.
This bothers me though:
Everybody else were taking pics with teachers and even with other students they had “beef” with just the other day. while i just rolled my eyes at how pretentious and fake everybody was.
For someone who isn’t interested in people you sure are judgmental. It’s possible that the other graduates have matured to the point that they are able to get over old “beef” on their final event of high school, and are genuinely happy to celebrate the milestone by taking pictures with people who shared the experience. Honestly, you sound a bit jealous; am I right?
I suspect that you really would like some friends who enjoy the same things you like to do and that you just don’t know how to find them yet. That’s pretty normal and can take a while but you’ll never find any while spending all your time in your room. You haven’t even been at college for more than a few weeks at this point. Stop thinking of ruining your education by dropping out and running home and don’t worry about choosing a major already. Take the classes that interest you in addition to whatever ones are required and consider opening yourself up to some new interests. Forget about how weird high school was; it’s over and irrelevant so quit thinking like a hs freshman.
Thanks all for the advice.
@Joblue I honestly had no interest in being friends with the pretentious people in school everybody that claimed to be friends talked shit behind eachother’s back and were all about creating unnecessary drama to fight over. Yes i judge those people when i see them but i don’t talk shit about them as a hobby the only reason i mentioned them here is to make my situation more clear. I had a bestfriend in high school that was more than enough for me and i also hanged out with a bunch of people that shared my interest. It’s not like i’m narcissistic and think that i’m better than everyone but i don’t want superficial friendships with no meaning just for the sake of it.I also don’t like fake people what’s wrong with that? I don’t see that as being judgmental i see that as being real.And why would i be jealous of backstabbing people hugging eachother just to badmouth eachother the next day? I don’t get the logic. I could’ve stayed longer and joined the hype took a bunch of pictures with them but i didn’t want to, since that is being FAKE. I highly doubt the people pulling eachother’s hair during graduation rehearsals matured over a day they just want to show off all the people they know. Even the guy that was bullied for 4 years was going around trying to take pictures with these people and i highly doubt that was a way of showing forgiveness but to feel better about not being the guy that took pics by himself.
You’re right, i have no problem making friends if those friends are real and share the same interests. However i don’t plan on going out of my way to meet them by joining clubs and events i really hate forced social situations. I either meet someone somehow and get along or i’ll just stay a loner for the rest of the semester. I’m starting to get over the whole guilty about being by myself feeling after staying here another week. Your comments helped so thanks guys.