@Mark217 The only person that you can change is you. Not everyone gets the family that they need and deserve. You’ve had a tough start. But look at you. You’re in college and you’re going to make something of yourself. So, I think you can do two things. Identify the family members who you can have a good relationship with and work on those. And I really think that you need to try to make a friend. Work with a counselor. Start small. Ask someone in your class to study. Join a project based club in which you are not under pressure to talk all the time. A gaming club in which you can just participate. You don’t need lots of friends. One person can fill a void in your life. There are so many people just like you. So many people who would like to obe friends. It’s O’K to feel awkward in social situation. It’s normal and everyone feels that way at some point.
I’m not saying that my family members or even my stepmom are deep down bad people. But they just don’t understand what is going on or they just suck up to my stepmom saying she’s fine. They don’t get that it’s a somewhat serious issue. So there’s a misunderstanding. At the same time I would say none of my family members can really help me because they’re not close to me distance wise or they don’t get it or I barely know them. So everything I will have to do by myself. I tried to join a club but I get left out like all social situations I try to get into so clubs aren’t for me. I would say the only thing I could try is to make single friends or a small group.
@Mark217 It does sound like you are alone and I’m sorry for that. You’re in this transitional phase and soon your step mom won’t have power over you. That seems like a complicated relationship. I’m not sure I’d focus on because I don’t think you’ll gain want you want. Is that relationship bothering you the most?
Try for single friends. Friends can become family.
Sort of…
So what usually happens is we would get into an argument sometimes it’s over little things or she’s just having a bad day. My mom would give me an attitude and get really mad and I usually just take it. I don’t really argue back. And eventually she stops arguing and we just go back to doing our own business. The next day she act like she forgot about the argument and like it never happened. We don’t talk about it or discuss what’s going on. I don’t even think she acknowledge it’s partially her fault. Well everything goes back to “normal” until the next time the same type of argument happens and it’s like that over and over again. The problem is we never talk about the arguments and try to find a solution. We don’t come to a conclusion and be like “I shouldn’t have done this or that”. That’s why it keeps happening. Because of that it still effects me today I still think about it. Especially when I asked her to teach me driving she blew up, I still feel salty about that. I don’t want to act like everything is normal to her because that’s like sucking up to her and telling her it’s ok for her to do that. I still feel salty about the whole relationship.
@Mark217 It sounds like she is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you?
Yea
@Mark217 You have every right to be upset and angry and expect better. Your feelings are normal. The problem seems to be that there is something wrong with her. And you can’t fix her. Your relationship is changing soon though. You’ll be an independent young man. And you won’t have to take the abuse. I would really like to see you try to have good relationships in your life. Try to have some friends or a significant other. And hopefully, if you need it, a counselor can help you have a good relationship because you’ve suffered in an abusive environment.
Yes I will definitely talk to a counselor if I need to. Making friends is hard in college but I will try to.
RE: Car. You can find a company that does driver training if you have the money. The instructors take you out to drive in their cars, and in case of my D’s, picked them up from the house and ended the lesson at school. They actually took drivers test in the trainer’s car. What you need to check out is insurance angle. In my state, you don’t need separate insurance until you have license - covered under your parents’ for learners permit, but might not work that way where you live. And you might need proof of insurance to get a driver’s license.
Talking to a counselor to work through issues is top priority. You may be giving off angry or anxious vibe that people pick up on that makes you less than approachable. You have come up with coping skills for problems in your family that you want to get away from in forming other relationships. A counselor can help you sort through things and figure out what’s worth working on, what needs to be moved past, and how you can be happy. Friends will come - likely when you get into classes and majors and are able to make friends one on one. I was one of those types.
I always suggest religious student groups - some are low key and offer small group structures that help you get to know people. Or if that puts you off/not religious, then service organizations. Service gives you a common activity where you can work along side others without having to come up with conversation.
Forget the car for now because it seems to require a connection to your stepmom that you need to put aside.
@Mark217 That is a classic, classic abuse scenario. Be abusive and then pretend that nothing happened. And it’s a pattern that repeats over and over again. Has she ever told you that she loved you.
Please try to make friends. Just start small. Study with someone. Or sit near someone who is alone in the cafeteria.
@Mark217 You come on here if you need to talk. You could PM me it’s fine. Make sure you tag me @gearmom so I’m notified if there is something new. Be patient with yourself.
I think she did a while ago and we hugged a couple months back, but I shouldn’t have. It’s like sucking up to her. I think we only did it to make the situation look “better” but honestly all the problems were still there and nothing was solved. I will definitely try to make a few friends even though it’s tough for me. And for sure I will let you know if I need to talk again. I appreciate your time and the advice you gave me. Thank you for your help.
@Mark217 That is a good idea that @scmom12 has. A religious or a service group might be worth checking out. Something project based in which you only need to chat about the task at hand. And the people who work in service based groups would probably be more empathetic.
Post #31 Virtual hugs to you,kiddo. Anytime you need to talk just pop on. @Mark217
The Auto club of So. Cal offers drivers training but they are pricey.
@gearmom Hi it’s me again we talked over a week about my situation. I need help with something I might do to possibly make the situation with my stepmom. Can you reply to me so I know you’re there?
Sure. What is it? @Mark217
Thanks for your reply. So I went home to see my stepmom over the long weekend and honestly, she didn’t change one bit. It feels like the way she treated me was like it was any other high school weekends. Before I went, I thought about asking her to sit down and talk about the issues or at least try to. I end up not doing it because I didn’t feel I had the right timing. However, Thanksgiving is coming up and it seems like she wants me to come home or at least expect me to. I was thinking of using that as a leverage to be able to talk to her about my feelings and our issues. I was thinking that when she ask me if I’m coming in a week or so, I will tell her no. She will then ask why and I will tell her our relationship is salty. Then I’ll let her say whatever she wants then ask her if we can talk about it. If she said no, I’ll tell her then I’m not coming and will only come if she agree beforehand that we will have a serious conversation about it when I get there. I don’t want to do it over the phone. What do you think of this?
I would be straight forward. First, do you want to go home for Thanksgiving? If yes, I would go home for Thanksgiving and enjoy the day. On the day you are leaving, ask if you can talk. Hopefully she says yes. I don’t think you can manipulate her into speaking with you nor should you have to. You can only be the good person that you are. Go home. Enjoy your holiday. Bring something to contribute. Be a good son. If she does agree to talk to you, don’t bring up too many things. Start small. Maybe ask her on the day your leaving by saying, “Mom or whatever you call her, I’ve really enjoyed this visit, I’d like for us to have a better relationship. It would mean a lot to me. Can we talk about some things?” And then bring up a few things. Not the car yet.
@Mark217 If she says no when you ask her in that nice way. Just thank her for the dinner. Say you had a nice time and that you hope you can talk at some pount. Don’t out her in the defensive by being up the saltiness of the relationship. Don’t overwhelm her with too many issues. Baby steps. My heart goes out to you because you clearly care about her and your relationship. Maybe just end it with “I love you.” ( If that is true) And hope that with you being a true person that she comes around.