I do want to go, but I don’t if I have to put up with her same attitude. That’s why I said I only want to go if she agrees beforehand that we can have this conversation. I feel like if I keep going back and not address the issues, she will keep treating me the same and that’s like sucking up to her. Yes I know, the first thing she needs to do is admit that there is a problem that is partially due to her. She never admit it’s her fault on anything. I feel the only way to talk to her is to use a leverage which is when she wants something from me that I don’t have to do. And about the car thing, I talked to her about how a car is preferred where I live because everything is spread out, she doesn’t care. Basically what she means is I’m on my own for that. She said how my brother is 21 and doesn’t have a license so I’m ok, but that’s not normal.
Hi Mark. (HUGS). My daughter went away her freshman year, where she knew no one and she got very depressed. It is hard to make new friends for some and she is one who isn’t an extrovert to go get involved. For her, it was finding smaller things to get involved in and talking to people in classes. It was still lonely at times but she at least was interacting. Then one day, she saw a guy sitting all by himself in the union building who looked as lonely as she was. So she just sat down and started talking to him. They could not have been more different. But it lifted her spirit. She saw him again a few more times and would go over and sit with him, so neither of them were alone. It wasn’t much but for a moment, she felt better and felt like she helped him feel unlonely. It just takes that first step.
It took time before she joined any organizations as that came later, when she developed and interest in something.
There are so many great people on this forum to be a sounding board or just a hug. You are not alone. You have a bunch of moms here (and maybe dad’s too).
@Mark217 If you think she will be mean to you on Thanksgiving and you can’t handle it, you can ask her If you can talk before Thanksgiving if you are comfortable with risking not having a place to go to on Thanksgiving. You don’t leverage people in a healthy relatuonship. You also can’t make her admit it is her fault. What you can do is say that you want to talk about your relationship. She is really important to you and then brainstorm with her how you can both work better together. Without putting her on the defensive and blaming her. Usually, if you talk about things that you can do better then the other person will talk about things that they need to work on. If she is silent, you could gently say something like, It would help me if you could… You need to tread carefully and not be accusatory. Start in a giving way. Be gracious. Is your objective for her to admit she is wrong, have her try to change, have your relationship better or all of the above? The difficult part is that you can only change you so ask her what changes she would like to see you make. That will be the giving part.
@Thelma2 Thanks for your reply, it means a lot to me when people care about me since I’m not close with anyone. To understand my situation, you should read the whole forum if you haven’t.
@gearmom I know what you mean but I don’t really like to just give in but I guess that’s the way I have to do it. Talking to her about relationship problems is sort of like playing with fire. I’m fine just staying where I am on Thanksgiving, that’s why I said earlier I would only go if she’s open to talk about the relationship. Should I talk to her on the phone about it at least a bit or just ask if we can talk about it when I get there?
@Mark217 I know that you don’t like giving in but what you are doing is searching for some humanity in her and giving her a starting point to build a better relationship with you. You can move towards ownership from her for your past relationship but I really think that you won’t be able to do that quickly or until you build a new relationship.
If you are fine with Thanksgiving where you are then you can ask to talk when you get home but I would still try to frame it in that positive way. Your relationship is important to you and you’d like to have a better one. The person who wants the change usually has to start with the giving. Thus reflecting on what you could do to change, asking her what she would like to see be different and then letting her know what you need. It’s a dance. There is a rise and fall. A give and take. I don’t think it is leverage. It is honest and your conditions are valid.
Eastern time here. After midnight. Will check in tomorrow.
You need a serious wake up call. Get over your step mother and the rest of the perceived deficits of your childhood. None of it is fair to you or good or anything like that. Nor should it define you. College is an opportunity to leave it behind and move on. However, you are stuck in the past, reliving issues with your family even now that you have outwardly moved on. If you can’t naturally resolve these issues and mature into adulthood then seek some help fast. See a therapist, not to commiserate about past events and intricately catalog complaints, but to learn how to move on and be your own person. That is difficult to do if you have a deep sense of aggrievement.
Your step-mother won’t change, even less so at your insistence. You are younger than she and therefore more adaptable. Use that you your advantage rather than becoming as emotionally inelastic as she is. Accept her for what she is and move on. Odds are, she has her own emotional complaints/misgivings that she struggles to deal with. For example, becoming a stepmother and then dad moves away leaving the parenting to her. Not a dream job for many. Certainly she could do better, but maybe she is not naturally good at parenting. You might get along with her as an emotionally mature adult if you can get yourself to that point despite your relationship with her.
As for friends, ask yourself how attractive it is to be friends with someone who dwells on negative things from the past to such an extent that he is miserable in the present. It is unattractive. Prospective friends, potentially good friends, smell that from a distance and it is off-putting.
Of course you can learn how to drive. Virtually anyone can drive. It is one of the easiest and safest things adults do. Don’t resent others for doing things you would like to do yourself. Aspire to it.
It sounds like you have deep seated abandonment issues from your mom leaving and your dad going abroad, but neither is the fault of your step mom. Whatever her faults, SHE stuck around. Give her credit for that.
She will not buy you a car or help you with acquiring your license? It would be nice if she did, but she won’t, and she does not have to. (Where us your dad in all this? He may not be physically around, but surely you are in touch?) You have asked he twice and she said she won’t, so stop asking her and get over it - by now it’s whining, and you are not a child any more. You have said you have the money for your own car, but that you are a cheap person. Figure out your priorities.
She wants you home for Thanksgiving. Don’t „leverage“ that. If you want to go home, go home, enjoy dinner, make pleasant conversation. That is not „sucking up to her“, that is called manners. So your relationship is rocky, you get into fights? That’s family life, make the best of it. She is the family you have and you won’t get any other.
She has admitted she never wanted kids? That is hurtful for you, but she can’t help it - it’s not about you, it’s about her. Your dad went overseas and she STILL stuck around. Blowing up at you and then pretending like nothing happened the next day? Maybe it’s emotionally abusive behaviour - or maybe it’s a single parent stuck in a family situation she never wanted but trying to make the best of it and pulling herself together whenever she can. You do not have to talk about issues In your relationship because you are probably both very clear on what they are, but can’t change them! So move on.
Don’t call her getting married to your dad even though your dad was a single parent with kids “getting too emotional”. They may just have been Iove. That’s allowed. Maybe she just did the best she could with the cards she was dealt.
On moving on. The most concerning thing about your posts to me is you saying you have no friends and never had any. THAT is not normal in your life, not the lack of a car. You are at an age where you should have significant relationships with people beyond your immediate family. This is beyond having recently moved and feeling lonely and something you should speak to a counselor about, not about your rocky relationship with your stepmom or your lack of a car. Can you live in a dorm or share an apartment? Friendship takes practice - don’t give up it if doesn’t work out the first time, or the second.
Don’t give up. Best of luck. I don’t meant to beat up on you, but you do have to start working on this. I hope @gearmom has more words of comfort for you if what I have written depressed you further. You have the chance to turn your life around now - use it.
@Tigerle About the car, I can buy my own to practice, but I can’t get insurance without a license and I don’t know anyone that will let me borrow their car. So I’m stuck on that for now.
About me saying getting too emotional, I just think people should check things out and see what potential issues something has before committing to it. Just like you check out a used car before you buy it, not after. You shouldn’t get too excited and keep thinking you need this car because
I live in an apartment but I’m not close with my roomates. About going home, If I go home and not talk about it, it’s like telling her it’s ok for her to do that. She took her anger on me last time I went back and I don’t want that.
@Mark217 It is perfectly reasonable for you to set boundaries in your life. It is fine for you to be clear on how you want to be treated. I was suggesting a diplomatic approach to give you a chance at success. You just need to be truly comfortable with the possibility that this might not work and it so, nicely ask to have the conversation. If she says yes, be nice and ask if she needs you to pick up anything for Thanksgiving.
@gearmom Yes before I went home last week, I asked a friend about approaching my mom for the conversation. She said I should try anyways and if she is willing to talk then great. But if she isn’t open to talk and possibly change or just blow up, then I should just not put too much effort into her. Obviously I’ll be nice when I ask.
@Mark217 Your anger is understandable. But you’re transitioning now. After working on this focus on your life and don’t let her challenges rob you of your happiness. Check in after you give it a try if you want to chat. Good luck!
OK again with car. I looked at California. If you’re over 18 you go take the written and then practice and take driving test. Once again… most driver training schools will do the training in their cars so you don’t need a car to practice. My girls even took their driver’s test in training schools car. Their car insurance on that car should cover you during practice and during test. Then you will have license and you can buy car and purchase insurance (be sure you can afford this - cost of car insurance may be a problem for step-mom.)
Having a license and car will not solve your problems, but if you think it will help then seriously look into it. Don’t put stumbling blocks in your way that don’t exist. If you think your situation is that unique then call and talk to a real person at the DMV. But mostly, get counseling! Don’t go home or try and force a discussion if the only issue on the table at this time is car.
@gearmom I will ask her before I go and I probably won’t go if she says no. Last time she blew up on me just because I walked back and forth a few times to get stuff. She was stressed but it was like what the heck. I’ve give in to her for 2-3 years and treat her good for the most part and she doesn’t change. So I think the only way to try to solve this is to point out there is an issue by taking small steps at a time and hopefully we can talk about it in a humane way.
Edited for language
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@scmom12 Well driving is obviously not the biggest issue, but if my stepmom won’t talk about our relationship issues which I think there’s a chance of that. Then I will care less about the relationship and more on the car since it will be a lost cause then. I do want to learn driving though, I feel if I don’t learn it soon, I’m going to be 22 and not know how to drive. I know I can go to driving school, but I already paid for it and had lessons. I just need to practice and practice so I’m ready for the test. I’m trying to avoid spending more on driving school if I don’t have to. As far as insurance I’m on my own. I asked my stepmom if I can buy a car and insure it under her while I practice and she said she doesn’t want it do with me. So I’m stuck for now.
^Make friends. Friends who have cars.
It will be worth it to you to spend some of your money to pay a driving company for practice time. Look forward, to things that will help you become independent. Don’t be mad at people for what they can’t do. I think your stepmom spoke to you as an adult. She told you how she end up in this position and she is still doing the job, inviting you for Thanksgiving. She is probably very frustrated at her continued responsibilities while your dad is away.
My parents are good people but I didn’t get my license until just before I graduated from college and bought my own car more than a year later. It is not a measure of a person and not worth family fights. I believe in “you get a car when YOU get a car.” If a gift car comes earlier, great. If not, set a goal. While you are home, get another person to let you practice driving.
The number one priority is to seek out a counselor through your college. This is so crucial to your well being.
This person should help you work on your social anxiety and learn to accept some painful realities in your life. You want a supportive family–love–a sense of belonging–and all of this is normal and understandable. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want this. Unfortunately, you do not have this and your step mother will never be that for you.
This is the harsh reality but the the wonderful thing about life is that you can make close friends. This is where the counselor comes in. A good counselor will help you gain the skills to reach out to others and form good relationships.
Depression is so hard because it overcomes hope but let me tell you…there is always hope.
@gearmom Ok so the plan has changed. A friend of my brother is inviting my family over for Thanksgiving dinner, so I will not ask her to talk beforehand since that might ruin Thanksgiving. I’ll ask her on Saturday. But I am going home on Thanksgiving for sure.
And about the car I’m just going to forget about it for now. I’m just getting mad about it the more I think about it and there’s nothing I can do.