This is very helpful! 35 years is amazing. Good to know that it’s not all storm clouds in the distance😀
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I might have tripped up a bit by telling my son I didn’t care for her mom leaving her child behind. But I don’t think I tripped up too much. Thank goodness for forums to keep parents from becoming a bull in a china shop
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True. I say that because I dated a few interesting guys when I was much younger and at the time I was so in love. When I look back, had I stayed in any of those I think my life would have not been as good as it is now. I just think a pool is important because then you know when you have a good one because there is a comparison.
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Wow- I wish you were my mom. You told him date many and bought him condoms. You’re a cool mom!!!
Dating many can be a way to potentially get rich - as I’ve learned!! 
If only i knew…
Man Sues Ex-Dates For $75 Million Over Negative Facebook Reviews (msn.com)
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I was just thinking of that.my son comes home for the summer I will put my best face forward.
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Thanks! Yea I consider myself a pretty practical person when it comes to certain things 
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I’d be warm and welcoming to the girl. You don’t want to force your son to choose between her and you and you want your son in your life. Besides, it’s the best way to know what’s going on. I would reiterate to him the importance of not getting her pregnant.
You can always ask questions that aren’t judgmental of the girl like “what was that like for you?” And when you’re alone with your son, you can get his sense of the situation (by askingopen ended questions, not by judging. Their responses may reassure you.
She may be a great, hard-working person, so don’t assume her values are her mother’s. I know lots of people who have chosen a path quite different from the one they grew up with, both for better and worse.
Also remember that when kids are in college, many feel very independent of their families. Neither your son nor this girl are likely thinking about the family of each other nor how/that it impacts them They are “stand-alone entities” to each other.
Wishing you strength!
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Yes, please be very careful in dealing with this. My husband’s parents disliked my (then future) SIL’s family for similar reasons and tried to stop the relationship. My BIL married her anyway and that initial rejection has haunted the family every since. She is actually a nice, hardworking person and it was all totally unnecessary.
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Amen to that!
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I know you are worried about your son’s future and happiness but he is an adult and can make his own choices. Be open and welcoming to his GF, if her family are ‘trash’ she may develop a special relationship with you.
I can only talk from personal experience but my family is also ‘trash’, my first memory as a child is going on a train to visit my dad in jail, none of my family are educated and have lived their entire lives on welfare. I am now 55 years old am still the only person to go to college and have never been without a full time job, I have also been married to the same man for 36 years. My MIL never liked me and this animosity has hurt my husband’s relationship with her beyond repair.
Every persons character and work ethic needs to be judged on their own merits. Good luck, maybe it will work, maybe it won’t but be there to support your son.
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My paternal grandmother could have written this. Neither of my parents families had money from the start but my dad’s mom and stepdad worked hard at a business and ended up doing well. They lived in the small town I grew up in and they had very good reputations.
My mom’s family…not so much. Lots of family drama including out of wedlock pregnancies in the 1930’s and 1940’s when that was a major scandal. Dicey employment situations, etc.
But my (paternal) grandparents were kind people and were good to my mom. My parents were married for just under 65 years.
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I don’t think it reflects well on a person to call a family “trashy.” Maybe your son’s girlfriend would be wise to look elsewhere.
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I have lots of “rough” family members. My mom and dad were not, but we were poor, my folks smoked, and we didn’t go to church. That combo alone caused my sister and I to be considered undesirable as friends or dates by more popular or “respectable” kids and their families. I’ll always remember the sting of that.
At my 5 year HS reunion, a boy who hadn’t given me a second look in HS asked me to go for a drive afterwards. During the drive I found out that I was suddenly more attractive bc I was attending a flagship university instead of the small local college. I was the only one in our small class to do that, and he really thought that was amazing. Sad that being a decently attractive, non smoking, non cursing, non promiscuous, person with a good personality wasn’t enough before.
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OP-- hugs. You’ll figure this one out.
If its keeping you up at night, or is threatening your relationship with your son- a few sessions with a counselor (for you) can REALLY help.
One of the best tools I learned in therapy was how to turn a situation around and see it from the other side. Whether a problematic boss, a colleague at work who drives you crazy, a family member- you can often help fix a problem by turning it.
So- what do you think this family thinks about YOU? If you’re thinking “role model” or “loving home” or “open-minded and non-judgmental”… then there you go. That’s the road map your inner voice is telling you to take. They are probably NOT thinking that right now, but they can be if you handle the situation well. And if your sense is that they are possibly thinking “stuck up” or think they’re better than everyone else" or 'intolerant"… then you see the work you need to do. I know a LOT of people who would fit your description of “trashy”-- and they often see people who look down on them as uptight, over-bearing, “superior for no reason”, etc.
You can do this! I know you want to be available and loving towards your son and his friends-- whether temporary friends or “go the distance” friends. It helps to see the situation from their perspective!
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My 27 year old had 2 boyfriends in HS, when she was 20 and in college she started dating someone and finally introduced us. What she neglected to mention was he was a 27 year old freshman, film major, who lived with his mom, vaped due to being a former drug user. He was very nice, good looking, they broke up after 7 years (yes he’s still living with mom). My daughter then started dating his 23 year old friend, who didn’t go to college, lives with his parents (has a curfew), is a waiter, and vegan 
. My daughter lives alone in a fabulous apartment a five minute walk to the beach, is a CPA, very attractive, plus an entertainer (in several bands, just signed a contract for a Taylor swift cover band). To this day, I haven’t said a word.
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Why?
That is so so disparaging. Do you realize how contemptuous this sounds?
This girl managed to do so much with so little, managed to make it to a great college (I assume), and here you are assuming that her entire purpose is to somehow “trap” your son?
This woman, who, despite a long list of obstacles, did very well in elementary, middle, and high school, and managed to get into the same college that your son attends. Do you honestly believe that her entire purpose was to “trap” some dude? I’m sure that your son is great, but I don’t believe that he is the goal that this woman envisioned all the years in which she struggled through school.
Between the two of them, this woman is the one with the strength tenacity, grit, and ambition.
Are you proud of your son’s achievement in being accepted to this college? Now imagine how much more difficult it was for her. That is the person who you seem to believe is Not Worthy of your son.
She sounds like an amazing young woman, and your son is lucky that she is interested in him.
Yes, her family is toxic, and, if that toxicity starts impacting your son, because the woman is unable to detach herself, he may need to reevaluate their relationship. However, that is in the future. In the meantime, try to look at the woman herself, not who you believe that she is, based on the stories you heard about her family.
Besides, she seems pretty ambitious, and there is a good chance that her own path will diverge from your son’s before long.
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This truly surprises me. I can’t imagine a young lady telling you that at your first meeting. It sounds like she is a local girl. Did they go to the same high school? I’m guessing not. Most kids don’t go to college looking for a mate from the ones they already know there, LOL.
I am having some of the same reactions as others. “Trash” or “trashy” is not a nice thing to say about a human being.
So she was super upfront about her family’s struggles? Why do you think she told you this? Is she just a super open person? Was she trying to say that you seemed really great and she wished her family was more like you? Did she seem to like her family? Did she seem to feel ok about her family member’s choices?
Re the sister in high school — I have known older siblings who have taken guardianship of your siblings so they could finish out high school when their parents had to move. Maybe reframe that. Think of how great it is that her brother could step up and do that for the younger sibling.
As for what to say to your son about her maybe just acknowledge the success she had in spite of difficult family circumstances. You could ask if she still has a close relationship with her family but don’t say anything bad about her family unless she or he indicates that she doesn’t want to stay close to them and then only talk about them in the context of how it must’ve been tough circumstances for her and how amazing she is to go to college.
And even if they break up don’t disparage her or her family. They may get back together. Just be supportive of your son.
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When my kids bring home friends with backstories, I usually let them know how proud I am of them for working to change their own lives and welcome them, but I come from a pretty trashy background.
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This saddens me, as it is little about the young woman and much about judging her background. My mother, though more intellectual than most, took on some less than appealing tendencies post divorce that even as a kid, embarrassed me. I adored the more middle class families of friends that welcomed me. My eyes were open and I learned from time spent in their presence, influencing me to this day. No matter where their relationship goes, you can be a positive in her life. You may find she has a drive to make different choices than her siblings.
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