They have a gym. I’ve never exercised. I use to walk around campus just to be out of my room with my friends. But I be so focused on school, and everything, I don’t be wanting to really socialize. I just be seeking my parents and my little sister for company or just my own solitude in my own familiar place. My mom does always talk about independence, and I have always done and experienced new things, so it’s not like I just don’t give anything a try, I do, I just be more aware of my emotions and my feelings, so if something just doesn’t feel right, and if I’m concerned about my own safety from how intense my feelings are, i’d rather it seems like i’m a quitter than to force myself to please others. How I feel does matter too. I was fine last semester, staying on campus, because I didn’t know what to expect, and I did have fun. But at my age, I know my limits and this is just something that I feel I can change and still continue to pursue my career.
I’m not against counseling. I force myself to be here because I don’t want my mom to not be proud of me, or for her to hate me, but by forcing myself to do something that I don’t really have to do, it only causes me depression and dark thoughts. Yeah, I can, or yeah I could do therapy. But, I will always remember how I felt and always be afraid to feel that way again. Some nights, my chest may ache, or my heart may hurt just because I’m not where I wanna be. And being here, constantly, I do be just doing my work, not even my best at work, just doing it just to get a grade and pray the days move on quicker. I don’t wanna be miserable the whole time I’m here. And possibly do something that I regret just because I wanna make others proud while I suffer in the shadows.
I don’t get the sense that anyone who has commented on this thread thinks you SHOULD have to stick it out in the dorm just for the sake of it, and especially not if you’re miserable to the point that you cry regularly and can’t eat regular healthy meals. Living away at college is a great learning experience for many students, including some who had a hard adjustment at the beginning. But it’s NOT for everybody and it doesn’t have to be. There are many paths to adult life, and many good ways to live an adult life. In many countries it is very much the norm for big, multigenerational extended families to live together in compounds or large houses. Different things work for different people.
The main thing is for you to get an education and have learning experiences that will help you grow into the kind of capable adult that is the best version of yourself. As a social introvert myself, I can happily spend intensive time with new people, yet I also need a lot of quiet down time by myself or with very close loved ones in a home setting. I get it! I think it is good for you to be true to yourself and not apologize for that.
The advice for taking advantage of counseling or for making your current situation better is important though, too, especially if it becomes impossible for you to move back home while going to school. We all sometimes face circumstances in life that are not ideal or anywhere near ideal and, for those times, it’s really important to develop as many healthy coping skills as possible for making better the not-great situations we can’t change (for a temporary period of time while achieving some long-term goals). Such as… Is there any possibility of organizing with some other students who are also sick of the dorm trash to create a club to raise awareness and do weekly hall cleanups (in some kind a of fun way) or at least request that the school install hallway trash cans? Is there any way to make your dorm room feel more homelike? Can you spend two mid-week evenings at home for dinner and study time as a compromise? Just brainstorming…counseling can also help you to be loyal to yourself in figuring out what is not negotiable for you. Such as, taking a leave of absence from school altogether while you work and live at home for a semester or a year.
If you have a heart-to-heart with your mom and you CAN live at home while getting this degree (and the driver’s license ) more power to you!
You’ve received so much good, heartfelt advice here - lots of people feeling for you. A couple of thoughts:
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I don’t know your mom, so I can’t say if she will or won’t be proud of you, but I really doubt she could ever hate you. Yes, maybe you will disappoint her a little, but that is part of life, no one is perfect, neither you, nor her. My guess is that no matter what she will always love you. Sitting down with her in person and having this conversation is so important, and I hope you will be pleasantly surprised by how she is feeling. Start by making a plan of what you want to say to her, and the ways you will continue to show your independence.
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Not eating for a week, that is huge. For someone with anxiety disorder, this will only make it so much worse, and will amplify everything that you are feeling and make it feel so much worse. It’s important to give your body the fuel it needs, especially your brain, to help you cope with how you are feeling. Please try to start here. I’m not saying stuff yourself, but a few small meals and lots of water throughout your day every day are going to really help you start to feel better.
You have a whole group of people here cheering for you - please take care of yourself and let us know how it goes. 
Anxiety sucks. (Mom of anxious kids.)
Diabetics need insulin. You need therapy and meds. Hiding acting as if there is nothing you can do will not help you. It doesn’t get you better.
I agree with the others that you need to go to your mother with a solid plan to becoming independent. Seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist weekly or biweekly needs to be part of that plan.
Your mom will never hate you and she will always be proud of you. No one thinks you should stop attending college. Most of us seem to think that counseling would benefit you.
Counseling, therapy, mental health care, whatever you want to call it, is not something that happens in just an hour or two. Many people seek therapy for months or even years. It is part of a process of understanding what troubles you and how to address your emotions in a way that helps you cope with those issues, whatever they may be.
Not saying you need it for years by the way. Just saying that it seems you might benefit from it, ideally over several months, a few times a month if you can. Just like you need to spend time learning a subject in college, you need to spend time understanding how to work on things about yourself that make you unhappy.
Btw, I commuted for six years of college. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Work on you, first. You’re right that there is plenty of time for college. But I do think it’s in your best interest to find ways to keep busy.
Do you have a one year residential requirement. You’ll be off campus next then.
It’s hard leaving home but you have to give it time. Get out of the room. Go to the gym. Get a part time job. Do research.
Good luck.
OP I am so sorry to hear what a hard time you are having and just wish I could give you a hug. You’ve mentioned anxiety and OCD and if you have current diagnosis I strongly suggest sharing what you are describing here with your doctor. If you have not been formally diagnosed could you set up an appointment with your family doctor to discuss? Anxiety can be so hard but you don’t have to be in this alone. Treatment can truly help.
We went through OCD elimination, anxiety and disordered eating with my daughter 4 years ago and talking with her pediatrician was our first step. You might be too old but if not I’d recommend starting there and sharing what you’ve said here. My daughter had a little setback her first semester away at college (also a freshman this year) but got her seen over Christmas break and set her up with a plan for when she returned to school. She knows her health is the most important thing for her and her mom and dad- even more than those straight As! We are more in awe and proud of how she overcame her pretty serious issues years ago.
Join clubs, activities, work out but…
As others have mentioned your mental health is important. So if you move back home and stay there and graduate with no evaluation or treatment what happens when you do move out on your own and you are in an apartment and the neighbor talks to loud and the subwoofer bass above you is too loud and it once again feels like a dorm? You signed a one year lease this time.
Your doing fantastic in college but seem to be kicking the can down the road. Please get an evaluation and SHOW them this thread. Your description of yourself is fantastic from a mental health perspective. You know what’s wrong which is hugely important. Now you need to take the next steps. You have very educated and accomplished strangers basically telling you the same thing. Your life will become easier and not as challenging. There is a reason your mother allowed you to go away to school. She’s sees more in you then you do in yourself.
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