I Don't Care About Anything

College Life
1

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I am currently a freshman at college, and I’m having a big problem: I have neither the motivation nor the desire to involve myself with anything or anyone. Ostensibly, I have done pretty well here; I’ve made friends, joined clubs and I go to class. However, I hate all of it. I hate going to class, I hate going out with my friends, I hate waking up in the morning. Sometimes, when I wake up, I start to make these ridiculous wagers with myself in my head about all the terrible things I would do to myself if it meant I didn’t have to go to class or see anyone. Like, I’ll think to myself, “I would bang my head really hard against this wall if it meant I didn’t have to go to class,” or “I would rather slam the door on my hand than go to class.” I just want all of it to go away. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather just be asleep or in a coma or something. I’m always irritable, always tired. I go out of my way to seem like I’m having a good time, but I’m not.</p>

<p>And it shouldn’t be this way because I care a lot about my education. I am an English major and I hope to be a professor one day, so naturally I’m serious about my schooling. But, at the same time, I can’t even bring myself to read a single paragraph in a book. I can’t focus on any of it. I stare at the words for a few seconds and then I put it down. I can’t concentrate because I can’t stop thinking about how unhappy I am here. </p>

<p>I should probably add that this is somewhat of an ongoing problem. I’ve been depressed for pretty much all of my adolescence, and I started seeing psychiatrists when I was 16. Each of them seemed to have a different idea of what was wrong with me, and I’ve been prescribed medicine for depression, anxiety, and, at one point, ADD. Honestly, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with me, but, the best way I can describe it is that I torture myself with this constant internal rumination. I do nothing but think and worry and it inhibits me from doing anything else because I’m so consumed with my own consciousness. I can’t just let go and forget myself. </p>

<p>I know a lot of you will encourage me to go to the counseling center at my school. I did, actually. I went a week ago. But as soon as I got there, I immediately regretted coming. I felt the same way while I was there as I did with all the psychiatrists I’ve seen. You see, I don’t feel better when I talk about my problems. It doesn’t do anything to me. And that’s partly why I don’t enjoy being with my friends. I like them and they’re nice, but I don’t really connect with them in anything more than just a basic, superficial way. They talk about girls and parties and popular music and I just get bored with them. The older I get the more I feel like this sense of cosmic aloneness I have will never go away. I mean, I don’t even enjoy being around my family all that much, to be honest.</p>

<p>So, what should I do? I have the option of dropping out after the semester and going to a less reputable local university for my second semester where I live. Then I can transfer again after my second semester to a better school. Either that or I can stay here until the end of the year and then transfer. No matter what, I’m not staying at this school. I hate it and would rather kill myself than stay here for four years. The first option might seem more viable, but, unfortunately, coming home isn’t exactly an exciting prospect for me. I’m not really happy where I am, nor am I really all that happy when I’m home. </p>

<p>Oh, God, I’m sorry I’m making this all so complicated. I just feel so lost and confused. I have all this to think about, and now I have to go do all this work for all my classes. Any help would be appreciated. I just don’t know what to do with myself.</p>

2

<p>Hi ASFS!</p>

<p>I’m a parent and I’m a parent of a freshman, so other than that I don’t have any qualifications to discuss your concerns with you. That said, my family is now part of this immense transitional period which sees a young person go off to college - and all the changes - that go with that, some good, some less so. As such, I recently come across a new book entitled ‘What to do when college is not the best time of your life’ (Columbia University Press, 2010). The author, David Leibow, is an M.D., a psychiatrist, and on Columbia’s faculty.</p>

<p>The book is written for university students (though there’s one chapter at the end called ‘For Parents’). I bought it because a few weeks ago my daughter became deeply anxious at starting college a long way from home and the author seems to have his head on 100% straight from my vantage and the book contains some good advice about homesickness.</p>

<p>At any rate, you can look the book up on Amazon and see the chapter headings, some of which, given what you’ve said, seem to me would be of interest to you. In any event, it starts with a questionnaire which helps you determine whether the book might be worthwhile - and if it’s not, you’ll be able to make that call. </p>

<p>You said you had pursued some avenues and were looking for additional suggestions. I suggest finding a copy of this book and thinking about the issues it raises in relation to your aims.</p>

<p>One more thing, please know that people are on your side. You’ve articulated your concerns superbly and you won’t be the only person who has experienced them. The issue is how best to help you address them, and I wouldn’t necessarily discount any avenue for assistance - including counselling - until you’re feeling more comfortable.</p>

<p>Best regards.</p>

3

<p>Your first paragraph describes me verbatim…except for the thinking of ways to get out of class. I just say eff it and go back to sleep :D</p>

<p>Second paragraph…yeah you see 9 psychiatrists you’ll get 9 diagnoses. It’s not an exact science by a long shot. One lecture I sat in on to get internet/power happened to be on mental health and that was the topic of the day.</p>

<p>To me it sounds like freshman depression (copyright trademark :slight_smile: ) I saw the figures for how many freshman end up seeing counselors or whatever at my school and was like “holy crap” cause it was that many. So for better or worse your situation isn’t all that uncommon. You’ve got me in terms of a solution. I’d tell you to get motivated but I’m having difficulty myself as a senior doing that. Perhaps sit in on some classes in a subject that does interest you a bit more?</p>

4

<p>Just curious, was bipolar disorder ever one of your diagnoses?</p>

5

<p>have you ever seen a therapist instead of a psychiatrist? As meta as this sounds, have you ever spoken with any of the mental health professionals about why you don’t like talking about it? Have you ever spoken with any of the psychiatrists about why you were unhappy with the previous psychiatrists’ efforts? I would try at least once more, and don’t hold back your feelings about previous doctors’ failures. Don’t be afraid to tell whomever you see that what they’re doing isn’t working for you. Therapy is YOUR time, and you do what you want with it. They won’t be offended (and if they are, then that’s their problem) since they’re supposed to be trained to handle your anger without being offended.</p>

<p>In terms of what to do about school, I would first suggest trying to take a medical leave as opposed to dropping out. The leave will give you the option to return, and it’s possible that with more appropriate treatment, you will change your opinions about the school. You can always decide to drop out while on leave anyway, better to not close the door on your current school until you have to.</p>

6

<p>^^ Therapists are just silly. You pay someone to listen to you. Wooohooo…</p>

<p>Tell you what…give me half of whatever you’d pay the therapist and I’ll do the same thing ala Web Therapy (with Lisa Kudrow).</p>

7

<p>I know this is simplistic advice, but is there anything you do like doing?</p>

<p>Try doing more things that you like doing. Working out at the gym? Walking in the woods? Going to a sporting event?</p>

<p>Also, you might consider the fact that 99% of the people on earth would envy the opportunity that has been given to you. Don’t blow it.</p>

8

<p>

Clearly you know nothing about therapy and are not giving advice so please keep your ignorant, unhelpful comments to yourself. You should know better considering how many freshmen at your school see counselors; they’re not going for fun.</p>

<p>Freshmen without a history of depression generally see counselors for homesickness, being overwhelmed by schoolwork, having trouble adjusting to a new environment, etc. OP has a history of depression so it’s clearly not “freshman depression,” a term so vague it carries no real meaning.</p>

9

<p>I hear ya, I’m a junior and have like no motivation to do any work and I’ll probably fail out sooner or later. I always sleep through class and I hate going out now too! haha wow basically you and I are the same but I really dont think im depressed…and I dont hate my friends company at all. Oh, and it seems you can actually wake up in the morning, whereas I cant and miss class all the time…ugh.</p>

10

<p>Thank you guys so much.</p>

<p>Yeah, I’ve been through therapy before and I just really don’t get much out of it. I’m sorry if it seems like I wrote out this long rant about all my problems and then said that there are no remedies for me, so don’t even bother suggesting any. I don’t mean to be like that. I guess I’m just trying to evaluate my situation and see what the best course of action is – that is, like should I leave after the semester? After the year? If I leave after the semester, will things be any better? How do I motivate myself to get good grades when I hate class so much?</p>

11

<p>zchryevns: That was the problem I had with going to counseling. They seemed like they would be very good for me if my problems were just that I had trouble acclimating to a new school and environment or if I wasn’t meeting people. That’s not why I’m not liking it here.</p>

12

<p>Then you should keep looking until you find the one who works best for your needs. Did you see a school counselor? If so, I recommend asking your school’s health center to recommend a local psychologist who might be better able to help you. There is no “one size fits all” psychologist; sometimes it takes many, many tries to find the one that best suits your needs, but it is beneficial. That psychologist might then be able to recommend a good psychiatrist to work with as well.</p>

13

<p>I think I just really don’t want to go to any more psychologists at this point.</p>

14

<p>

Don’t bother trying to prove me wrong with an example of something therapists do beyond sitting, listening, and scribbling while randomly interjecting “and what do you think about that?”. Everyone has seen The Sopranos and I think Dr. Melfi is a pretty good example of therapy…sit, listen, take notes and make a few random aphorisms in between.</p>

<p>@ OP - To answer one of your questions, you can hate your classes and still get through them. For me it’s not so much about the individual classes as it is about the longer view of just graduating and then it’s freedom for life (well at least freedom outside 9-5). I’m skeptical a medical leave would be beneficial if you’ve been having these problems for years…what’s a year vacation going to do?</p>

15

<p>I think I know how you feel. I’m only in high school, but I go through phases when I just want to shut myself in my room and not talk to anybody. My mind will take any little bit of information it receives (a bird just flew by, for example) and turn it over and over, thinking so hard about it that I get a headache. Everything and everyone annoys me, and I want to yell at them, although I know it wouldn’t help anything. It’s a terrible feeling. But at other times, when I’m not ‘sick,’ I feel just fine, and I am comfortable enough around people to enjoy myself.
Anyhow, my theory is that I’m only that way when I’m sleep-deprived, dehydrated, or both. So my solution is usually to make a conscious effort to drink a lot of water and go to sleep earlier than normal.
I hope this helps.</p>