<h2>This is long, but I would greatly appreciate it if you took the time. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.</h2>
<p>My roommate and I were… well, I guess, best friends during high school. On my 17th birthday, he wrote me a card saying some of the nicest things anybody’s ever said to me, telling me how much he appreciates me as a friend and close to calling me his brother. We each applied to 8-or-so schools and it was very much implied that we would room together. Still, the chances of us attending the same university were so slim, it was more like a dream.</p>
<p>Well, what do you know, come May, we were both off to the same college. Needless to say, we decided to room together. We were forewarned by so many people, but of course neglected to listen. I recognized that we might, of course, run into problems and suggested that we put together a list of rules before the year starts so that we don’t run into trouble. He shrugged it off, which didn’t bother me so much at the time. We’d hang out once or twice a week, take the train home everyday, and so his being quiet a lot of the time really didn’t bother me. Late August came, and there were still no rules. I told him the only thing that really mattered to me was that he’d keep quiet when I studied. I can’t study when there is any noise at all, whether it’s classical music (which I love, I’m a conservatory-level violist,) or the classic rock and death metal that he listens to (also not a problem, but not when I’m studying!)</p>
<p>Seems simple enough, right? We were sitting on a time bomb. We ran into trouble the first week, when I asked him to turn his music down and he told me to go study at the lounge. I refused, stating that I wouldn’t leave the room to study so that he could play videogames blasting the music full-volume. I left, then came back because the principle of the thing seemed absurd to me - I told him that we had agreed on this before we moved in. He said “One person agreeing to something doesn’t make a rule,” a passive-aggressive argument akin to many of the ones he would make to me over time. It wasn’t pretty, but he caved, over time. At the end of that first week, he said:
“Max, there are things about you that frustrate the hell out of me.”
“Ok,” I replied “Better tell me now, so this doesn’t become a problem later. I can say the same for you. We couldn’t have expected things to be perfect, but let’s work this out now.”
He said he couldn’t think of anything on the spot. I told him it really bothered me when he played music while I studied, and he seemed to understand. The next day, I asked him to turn it down and we had another argument. </p>
<p>Our friendship began deteriorating quickly. On the outside, it would seem that little had changed, but I was more and more frustrated as time went on. I would ask him about his day every evening and he’d shrug off and say nothing and never ask me back. He wouldn’t say ‘good morning’ or ‘good night,’ and would stay quiet for days if I didn’t speak to him. He’d turn off the music only if I asked him to - even when I went to bed and he KNEW I was going to sleep. I should absolutely note - this isn’t a drastic change in his character. He’s always been quiet, heavily sarcastic, and mildly passive-aggressive. It just never bothered me, since I didn’t have to deal with it on a daily basis. We got along fine before, but now, it seemed to me that our friendship was disappearing. I confronted him about it on one of our better evenings in a very benevolent manner and for once, we had a decent conversation. I told him that he wasn’t living alone and some of the things he wasn’t doing weren’t even friendship - asking how somebody is is just common courtesy. I was sick for 3 weeks straight and he never once asked me how I was. One day, he didn’t come back to the dorm past 12. I know he doesn’t party. I went to sleep, woke up at 4 in the morning, he still wasn’t there. The next morning, when he still wasn’t back, I called him around 10AM. I left him a voicemail asking to call me back. He showed up a few hours later, in a good mood.</p>
<p>“Where the heck were you,” I asked. I wasn’t worried that something would happen to him, I know he can take care of himself, but he could have called me to say he’d be out the whole night.
“Nowhere,” he replied. “It’s really not important.”
“Did you get my voicemail?” I inquired.
“Yep.” He said and turned away to his computer.</p>
<p>I tried confronting him in a jest-like manned over the day, asking if it was a party, pot (he smokes, rarely), a girl. (He just got out of a very long “Ross-and-Rachel” relationship with a common friend of ours) “No… haha,” he said, “there are no girls here.”</p>
<p>I found out later, much later, that he was with a girl - he had a friends-with-benefits thing going on with a girl from across the hall. None of my business - it really isn’t. Still, he should have had the decency of telling me he was going to be out for the night. They were making out when I called him in the morning, she told me. She asked who it was, and when he told her it was his roommate, she asked him to pick up.
“I’m busy,” he said to her.</p>
<p>Things got a little better after that. I looked a little into roommate transfer, but we’re at 150% housing capacity, so it wasn’t really an option. It wasn’t helping that I wasn’t really fitting in at the school and made few friends. I decided to apply for transfer and tackled a very challenging courseload, so I spent a LOT of my time studying and had little time to hang out. Over time, we developed a fragile balance where I was out of the room often enough for him to have the place to himself, so that when I came back, he’d keep it quiet. Moreover, I am upstate NY and my girlfriend is in the city, so I travel down there (4 hour trip one way) every few weeks, and he would have the room to himself. He had no reason to complain - his courseload was fairly light and he was always in the room, either playing some videogame on his computer or studying to loud music. I never had the place to myself, but I dealt with it.</p>
<p>Then, it got colder. I mentioned how I was sick for three weeks - I had bronchitis - and he complained that I snored. I was certain it was due to the fact that my nose was stuffed and told him that if I snore, he should wake me up and tell me. He would open up the window during the night and the temperature started dropping into the low-20’s, high 10’s.
I kept asking him to keep it closed, and he would, the majority of the time. I told him if he wanted to vent the room - fine, but I asked him to close it before falling asleep. It doesn’t help that he claims ‘not to feel the cold.’ When I reminded him that it was 35, 30, 25, 20, 15 degrees outside, he claimed “That’s not too bad,” much alike to most of his passive-aggressive responses. One day I told him to keep the window closed because I had a cough the day after he kept it open, and he listened for a little while. Then, he’d complain that I snored and would only stop snoring if he opened the window.
One day, I couldnt take it anymore. My girlfriend never comes up to visit me, but she was going to one weekend a few weeks ago. I told him that and asked him very politely to see if he could sleep over at his girls room. He told me hed see and then informed me that his friends-with-benefits girl was sleeping over. It got to me, because I dont think he would have told me otherwise.
My girlfriend never came up that weekend, but his girl stayed over. They tried to keep quiet, but stayed up half the night whispering and I couldnt sleep. I couldnt take it anymore. I marched straight to the residence office the next day and asked if I could change roommates. The deadline had passed, but the lady was nice enough to work with me. She gave me a list of people who were moving out and told me to check the rooms out and let her know by 5PM that day. Long story short, I had an epiphany of a sort. I realized that while my roommate and I sure as heck wouldnt be friends, he had some basic respect for me on a human level, and while I didnt feel at home at college at all, the room was as close to it as I could get. I decided to stay. I figured, learning to deal with a roommate is a part of the experience. I read up online and decided that the situation is less-than-ideal, but not unbearable. I thanked him as he walked out the door that day, for keeping it quiet when Im around. No problem, he replied.
Its been several weeks since then, and things have been ok up till today. He still keeps quiet and to himself, but turns the music off when I ask him to so that I could study or just relax. Last night, he kept the window open the whole time. It was 17 degrees outside. I woke up at 7 and couldnt fall back asleep. I had a sore throat and found it hard to swallow. When we got up around 11, I asked him to keep the window closed at night because I had a sore throat Ive been breathing cold air the entire night.
Stop snoring, he replied, grimly and in a *<em>**ed-off manner.
What is that supposed to mean? I told you, if I snore, wake me up.
How am I supposed to wake you up? He was raising his voice now, but I wouldnt back down this time.
The way you normally wake somebody up
Call me, or touch me or something.
Well see.
What the h</em>*l do you mean well see? I have a sore throat now!
Well see. He turned back to his computer, put on his headphones, and ignored me entirely the next few hours. I stepped outside to study (just for finals, I find it better to study at the library,) and so he has the room to himself. Its gonna take me a few days to get rid of the sore throat, and its finals week. I am stressed enough as it is my chances at transferring depend largely on how I perform over the next several days.</p>
<p>I am despising the whole situation and have almost nobody to talk to about it. Im pretty sure its too late to change rooms the earliest I could look into it is next semester. I cant hold it in though. He is being ridiculously passive aggressive, and I dont know how to deal with it. He can turn around after an argument and get right back to his stuff, but I cant do that. I cant ignore, avoid. Jeez, I tried my best to confront him in every possible way, benevolent and firm, but its not working. He’ll often say something completely irrelevant to the argument and stand on it and I’m not the kind of guy to get loud and ****ed off. I’m miserable. What do I do?</p>