<p>I’m hoping my D finds a professional job after her graduation in May, If not, we’d be ok if she moved back home. That prospect will likely horrify her, and I expect she’d attempt to get a grunt job and stay in her current place. (It’s 20 miles from home. It’s modest/cheap with month-to-month arrangement.) . </p>
<p>I’ve heard about parents that charge rent, but secretly put it aside in account and give i t back for later (apartment deposit, wedding, car, whatever).</p>
<p>S1 went directly to work after graduation. He never came back home to live.</p>
<p>S2 is a different story. He graduated in May and will finish an unpaid internship in two weeks (has been living in our second home while doing the internship).<br>
So now he’ll have to move back in with us. He not only has no job lined up but really doesn’t know where he even wants to begin looking. I’m afraid the job search is going to take a long time and hope it won’t be a terrible strain on our relationship with him.</p>
<p>Echoing the sentiments above – every family is different and there’s no one perfect model that fits all situations.</p>
<p>Our D graduated in May with several different grad school options to choose from. After spending four years of undergrad 300 miles from home, she ultimately decided that the graduate program at our local university was the best fit for many reasons – academic, financial, and quality-of-life. She has a 3-part plan: grad school, a steady part time job with flexible hours (not career-related), and an (unpaid) part-time, academic-year internship with a highly regarded organization that may possibly lead to career-track employment. She is going to be productive and very busy over the next 1-2 years!</p>
<p>She could not have put together a plan like this without H and me subsidizing the scenario in some way, and since we thought her plan was focused and well-researched we supported it. Another factor that made this plan viable for her is that she graduated with zero student debt.</p>
<p>We are happy to have her living at home. She’s not paying room or board, and we are keeping her on our health insurance and cellphone plan. She is financially responsible for everything else – school, car, personal expenses, and putting aside some savings. She is a thoughtful, considerate, contributing member of our three-adult household, she shares cooking and other household duties, she’s easy to have around. Our family also has experienced a multi-generational household, and philosophically we’re very comfortable with that household model.</p>
<p>S1 graduated in May and has not yet found a job. Had a few interviews, no offers. Sends out a few resumes a week, no calls for interviews. So yes, he is living at home, where else would he go in this situation? </p>
<p>Do I think he is looking as hard as he could? No, but he does. Frankly, I don’t know what else to tell him to do, to “look full time” as previous poster stated. He is not yet ready to expand his parameters, ie: expand the search to distant or remote or undesirable (to him) locations, or look outside the field he went to undergrad for. There are not thousands of job postings a day that fit the bill. Some day there are none. He is researching companies and sending unsolicited resumes to firms with no jobs posted, and I know that having a hit there will be like finding a needle in a haystack. Headhunters don’t seem to work the way they did back in the day - from what I see the agencies post jobs on their websites, candidates posts resumes with the agency & there is no actual person-to-person connection. As for networking, we don’t know anyone in his area to contact, and he has not yet built up any contacts of his own. I am at a loss how to help him, and I think he doesn’t know what more he can be doing. </p>
<p>If we were to say if you don’t have a job by next week you have to move out, that is not going to help him get that first job in his field faster. Young adults with jobs can’t afford to move out of their parents homes - how can you expect someone with no source of income to do so? I don’t think our “letting” him live in his family home is keeping him from finding a job. And yes, I do feel sorry for him, and for myself. It is disappointing and frustrating. And even worse when judgmental people chime in and say they wouldn’t allow this and whatnot! Bite your tongues, as you never know what your future will hold. You may say you would never end up in this situation, but who knows! And sheesh, it really has only been a month and a half.</p>
<p>My son graduated last year without a single job prospect. </p>
<p>He came home, and by August 1 he had found a full-time job in his field. It was 200 miles from home but fortunately he was able to move in with his grandparents.</p>
<p>After 11 months he has just moved into his own apartment. In the 11 months he lived with his grandparents he was able to save nearly $20k. He was able to pay the realtor fee and security deposit and buy all his own furniture (Ikea) and still have some savings. He can pay his own rent and doesn’t need any subsidies from us. He’s truly independent, only a year after graduation - in large part because he lived with relatives and was able to save money.</p>
<p>Living with relatives was not the “coolest” choice, but it was definitely the SMARTEST choice he could make. They loved having him and fussed over him, and he pitched in when/where needed. </p>
<p>I don’t understand the mindset that any college grad who lives at home is lazy or coddled. It’s a very tough job market, and saving money is the intelligent thing to do.</p>
<p>And as a reminder, at this time last year he had no job - I think it was about this time last summer that he got the lead on this job opening from a friend. UMMom2015 I can relate - that was very much my son’s situation last year. It was frustrating, but fortunately for him it didn’t last long!</p>
<p>Best of luck to your son in his job search, UMMom.</p>
<p>There will always be room for D at my house, job or no job. All we expect from her is to be respectful and contribute to the family, not necessarily with money</p>
<p>So if your child was down on their luck for reasons beyond their control, you’d throw them onto the street without a dime to their name? I wouldn’t want the OP as my parent! Why is it you feel such great shame at offering a roof over their head to members of your own family?</p>
<p>I haven’t faced this yet, since S1 is a rising junior. But I really have no problem with either S living at home for a while as long as they are working and/or going to school. No sitting in front of the TV drinking soda and playing video games all day! And I do think they can take care of some of their own bills and pay token rent. When I returned home to attend grad school, my parents didn’t charge me rent, but I took care of all my school, car and personal expenses, including my cat. I had an assistantship, but it didn’t pay everything and there were a couple of Christmases when my present was a check made out to the bursar’s office for my student fees. It wasn’t the easiest time of my life in terms of my relationship with my parents, but we got through it. I found a job right before I finished, got married three months later and haven’t had to live at home since.</p>
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<p>A truer word was never spoken.</p>
<p>Within the last year we have taken in two adults who needed a place to stay. One was a close friend living in another state who was being evicted from an apartment in which he had lived for over 30 years. He chose to relocate to our area, both to be near us and for financial reasons. He lived with us for several months until he was able to find something affordable here. More recently, we have taken in a BIL who was foreclosed upon in another state. He has had long term employment difficulty, and not because he doesn’t try. At this point, I guess he is living with us on a semi-permanent basis.</p>
<p>We went through our own period of job loss and severe financial reversal. We know how it is.</p>
<p>I just think it’s important for kids to know their parents’ expectations well before graduation time so they can plan appropriately. Personally, I’d consider it a huge step backwards to have to move back in with my parents though I’m sure they’d let me. But I’ll have enough money saved up by the time my apartment lease is up next August (I graduate next May) to live at least a year without employment. </p>
<p>There are also many students who just expect to move back home after graduation and don’t bother looking for a job until then. I don’t personally think that mentality is healthy. Students shouldn’t expect to move back home and have another summer off imo.</p>
<p>I thought this thread was going to be about things in the realm of, “I don’t know what I’d do if my child became a porn star or drug dealer or gang member or maybe joined the Manson family or something”. Needless to say, I’m disappointed :)</p>
<p>"I wouldn’t want the OP as my parent! Why is it you feel such great shame at offering a roof over their head to members of your own family? "</p>
<p>Cupcake, where did you get this idea? ^^^</p>
<p>You would probably figure it out as you go, and tailor your response to your “child”. That’s what we’re doing. Several years ago I started a thread about a letter i had written to my soon to be sophomore daughter, looking for input about evolving expectations. I just happened to stumble upon it…Turned out all right, but i won’t make THAT mistake again!</p>
<p>FWIW, I think her high caliber school played havoc with her self esteem. She says she would choose differently if she did it again. Hard to know if that’s really true, but iit does not seem to be helping that she feels others will judge perform what she does next.</p>
<p>Shrinkrap - the judging, the comments, the un-asked for opinions are all very stressful for both the “child” and the parent. As a parent we feel the need to defend our kids when our “friends” and family make a comment on what they are or are not doing. Oftentimes we get more defensive because deep down we AGREE with both the snide or judgmental remarks as well as the sometimes innocent and well-meaning remarks - but it is not someone else’s place to chime in. It just makes a parent feel worse about their child, and must make the young adult feel worse about his/herself as well.</p>
<p>I too expected something along the lines of I don’t know what I would do if my child was an ax murderer, serial cheater, etc… </p>
<p>Not this. Obviously every family has its expectations, but in this economy, they had better be realistic.</p>
<p>We were with friends last night who fully expect to have both their children, both who just finished graduate programs, living with them by the end of the summer. Why? Because both their leases are up, they live in areas with nearly zero rental vacancies and no options for month to month leases, and since they have yet to land jobs, they can’t sign a new lease. Are their parents happy? Not really, but the consequences of signing a lease and being stuck there are to high. (The kids aren’t thrilled either by the way.)</p>
<p>I know many recent graduates who simply can’t land paying jobs (as someone else said, many employers are clearly taking advantage of the economy and internships are the new entry level job) or are underemployed and can’t make enough to live on their own.
It is complicated.</p>
<p>I hope my kids know that they can always come home. I would even take the son in law and definitely take the baby! In this economy, it makes sense for families to come together and help each other. I feel sorry for young people starting out these days. It is even harder if the kid involved isn’t the super achiever and most kids aren’t.</p>
<p>My SIL has twin D’s who had different attitudes about their unemployment. Their parents paid for everything through college while they worked part time for spending money. </p>
<p>While out to dinner w/them after graduation, I heard my SIL insist on continuing paying their bills (they live in an apartment just 25 minutes from parents), one twin liked the idea while the other was against it saying she wanted to be more independent. (They were awaiting substitute teaching jobs.) SIL actually argued with her instead of acknowledging her desire to grow up. It was the first time I held my tongue.</p>
<p>S is going into a career that will most likely require him to move to a larger city. It is an opportunity that we will encourage and support. But
it will not be a total free ride. Depending on his salary, he will be responsible for his share. If he needs to move back home, he will be
most welcome although job opportunities are scarce in our immediate area and he would have to commute.</p>
<p>My much younger brother came and lived with us in his mid-twenties when things weren’t working out for him in another state. We welcomed him into our home, bought him clothes & shoes suitable for job interviews, money for the bus, and provided meals with the explicit expectation that he go out every day and look for work. He found a job a few weeks later, and a month or so later had saved up enough to move into a house share. </p>
<p>Fast forward fifteen years: he’s now a college graduate, with a great job where he’s earned a lot of promotions and survived more than dozen layoffs during the downturn, married, three kids, and very stable financially. </p>
<p>I’m glad we were able to offer a hand up when he needed it.</p>
<p>"It is complicated. "</p>
<p>I agree, Lastminutemom196. That’s why I started this thread. </p>
<p>Situations range from those like my friend’s daughter (graduated over 6 months ago, no job, not making a lot of effort to find one, and not helping around the house) to those young adults who are doing everything they can to look for work in their major, are working a part time job or full time job in whatever they can find, and are helping around the house while they live at home.</p>
<p>Being a parent is hard. We want the best for our children. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out how to get there. </p>
<p>As an aside, I have never given advice to my friend because she hasn’t asked for it. She does like to vent at times, and my job is to listen and to tell her I’m sorry she’s having a tough time.</p>