I don't know what to do to get over my dream school rejection and other things.

College Confidential Community
1

Hello,

I know I am going to get a lot of hate for making a thread like this but I don’t know what to do. The school I was rejected from was UC Berkeley, which happened some time ago in late April. I thought I would have gotten over this but everything keeps spiraling downwards. The school I’m going to is regarded as a “low-tier” UC school, primarily for students who couldn’t get into the mid tier or high tier UCs. I had gotten into UC San Diego but choose to turn it down because the UC I am going to this upcoming quarter gave me a prestigious scholarship and I will most likely graduate with 0 debt. Additionally, this scholarship is a good thing to have attached to my list of accomplishments when I try for grad school admissions. I’ve tried to reconcile with this but its hard for me to.

To give some background, I’ve sacrificed my mother’s side of my family to move to this state, get residency and get into UC Berkeley. The day I left my home state my mother told me to never return to or come into contact with her side of the family or she would start trouble with me, my father and my twin brother legally. My father took me out of a bad situation and brought me here on the conditions that I get into UC Berkeley, I take care of my mentally ill brother and I help him buy a house when I graduate. Needless to say my father is furious at both me getting rejected from my dream school and turning down UC San Diego’s engineering program. I’m scared he’s eventually going to kick me and my brother out at some point. I’m losing sleep over this.

I’ve tried to tell myself over and over “okay, calm down the school you go to doesn’t matter in the end.” or “its been months now, you have to move past this” or some equivalent. The crying spells and seclusion from my family and friends has only gotten worse. I’ve tried going to friends, recently, about this, but this is what I’ve been told:

“[School] is a low-tier UC that no one cares about. You should have went to UC San Diego the debt is worth it.”

“How are you going to get a real engineering job from [School]? [School] won’t be taken seriously by employers.”

“Your program is ABET accredited and from a UC so it will have some minimum bare standard, but [School] has a bad academic reputation and that matters here in the valley.”

“Given that you are going to [School] you will need to work hard and go to a good grad school. You don’t have a choice.”

“Don’t worry, getting rejected doesn’t matter much. I got rejected from Stanford and am very happy with my safety school, Cornell. Though coming from [School] you will need to endure a bad starting salary.”

All of this has just got me thinking and sacred for the future. The one thing that really tore me apart was this:

“Your decision to go is [School] understandable since it is free, but make no mistake if you don’t go to a real university within the top 50 you’re going to end up as a nobody. You will have to go to grad school to make up for this.”

Does the school you go to matter to this extent? I honestly thought it wasn’t that much of a difference, but when I hear constant non-stop criticisms like this… it frightens me. The shame and depression just won’t go away and I don’t know what to do to move past this. I don’t want to hanging over my head anymore. Where do I go from here?

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I’m sorry you’re surrounded by such people. It’s unfortunate that your mother is that way. What kind of legal trouble does she think she can start?

If your school is ABET accredited, that’s what you need for an engineering degree. Graduating without debt is a great thing. Congrats on your scholarships.

@ucbalumnus can tell you about the programs. For engineering, I don’t think the school matters like people are telling you.

See a counselor at school to discuss your depression. If your dad’s not paying for school, he should be happy that you got scholarships.

3

My sincere sympathies. No 18 year old kid should be facing all that; it’s simply not right.

I don’t know about the CA schools. I will tell you that I firmly believe that most kids “bloom where they’re planted.” You’ll do well, you’ll learn what you need to learn, you’ll make friends, you’ll be a success.

I’m guessing that most of that criticism is from uninformed kids, not people who have a clue.

The huge, overwhelming majority of people who go to college do NOT go to Top 50 schools. Look at some of the people who have made it big in any area of life you choose-- and look at how few of them went to those schools. (And, conversely, look at how many of their grads are living quiet lives.)

The reality is that the school you choose should be one you can afford. One that will teach you what you want to learn. One where you’ll find friends.

Don’t let comments from the ignorant and uniformed destroy your happiness!

I agree with the advice to see a counselor about your depression.

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First, congratulations on your scholarships - obviously you are a very dedicated and deserving recipient. Your persistence and maturity are evident in your post. As suggested above, seek out professionals at your school to whom you can discuss your situation - I am confident there are people with sound judgment who can help.
As an employer, I can share with you that I seek candidates from a wide variety of schools who have demonstrated a commitment to learning, and have achieved success in their chosen major. I can teach what our company does, but I cannot teach discipline, commitment, or intellectual curiosity. Candidates like you who have demonstrated these traits are quite attractive, no matter where they went to school.

5

I’m so sorry you have these awful people around you when you are obviously smart, dedicated and have great ability. Your program is accredited and you will have no debt. Please see a counselor and keep going to a counselor to help to counteract and separate from this ridiculous negativity and unfair pressure. Your friends never hired anyone, much less an engineer.

You made the right decision. Go to school, do your best. You will be independent before long and will grow in personal strength and wisdom about how to deal with your family. Pace yourself and block this negativity out. Please get help. You are worth it!

6

“[School] is a low-tier UC that no one cares about…”

I absolutely believe that someone said this. However, that someone is uninformed. “Low tier UC” is a contradiction in terms. The UC’s are all very good. Are Berkeley and UCLA rated higher than the others? Sure. However, the others are very good universities.

You are going to study engineering at an ABET certified very good university, with a prestigious scholarship that allows you to graduate debt-free. WOW! That is SUPERB!

You should be very proud of yourself and of you achievements.

“Does the school you go to matter to this extent?”

No, it really doesn’t. ALL of the UC’s and a LOT of other universities have professors who know their stuff. No school has a monopoly on mathematics, mechanical engineering, or anything else (or at least not on anything that there are going to teach you before you get to your PhD thesis).

“You made the right decision. Go to school, do your best.”

I agree completely. Your parents should be very proud of you and should be thrilled. If they won’t say it then I will: CONGRATULATIONS! You are doing GREAT!

Best wishes. Understand that the UC that you are going to is going to be academically challenging. Keep ahead in your course work, take every course and every class seriously, seek out help from professors if and when you need it, and best wishes and good luck!

7

My son got the same remarks from friends that you got. So lame. We’re talking from kids who really know nothing, and only repeat what others have said. If you were to ask any of them to elaborate, I assure you, it would all be hearsay. My sister is a VP of a huge company, that many would want to work for, near one of the so-called lower-tier UC’s, and she said they hire all the time from that school. Go rock that school. And trust us, all of what you’re dealing with, in regards to the comments, will mean NOTHING very soon. Best wishes to you.

8

Just sending virtual hugs to you. You sound like an incredible person who is rising above difficult circumstances.

Find some comment to repeat to those who attack your choices. Do not engage in conversation to defend your choices. You can say “I will not discuss my choices with you. This is a great opportunity to attend college debt-free, and I am going to graduate so far ahead of others who will be chained to their debt.” Or some other phrasing that shuts down further criticism.

Best of luck! And please come back to both update and ask questions as needed. This is a safe place to vent.

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The other good news is that you get to pick your new friends at college. You are not stuck with the negative, dysfunctional family and friends who are tearing you down.

Family does not have to be the people you are related to by blood and marriage. Family can be gathered along the way, as you experience life and find others who bring you joy and lift you up. Family may have let you down in the past, but if you want to let go of their hurts, it is possible to use your new start at college as a sort of rebirth for the life you would like to have.

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It’s funny that people around you assume that the school you attend defines you as a person and future employee. I actually have super hardworking, intelligent peers who got into top 20s, but opted for full rides to Embry Riddle, Purdue, USAFA, etc.

But don’t listen to people making those remarks. They don’t know what you went through. The fact that you got a full ride to college is amazing. I wish I got a full ride! One of my favorite quotes is “success is not measured by the heights one attains, but by the obstacles one overcomes in its attainment.” – Booker T. Washington

And you can absolutely get employed without going to a prestigious school. Most people don’t attend these schools and they still end up with awesome jobs. I toured Blue Origin (not in Silicon Valley, I know) with my robotics team and none of the engineers I met were from top 20s. More like the University of Ohio, University of Washington, and Washington State University.

Don’t give up now, don’t be discouraged by uninformed people. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I have friends at Stanford, UC Berkeley, UCLA, etc., but none of them believe in those things that were said to you. That’s awful. You definitely shouldn’t be defined by the school you attend.

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People making these sort of derogatory remarks are obsessed with rankings and prestige and have no idea what they are talking about. It is not where you go to college that makes the difference, but what you make of the opportunities once you are there. Join the engineering club, work on group projects that you can showcase on your resume, develop good relationships with your professors who will be able to give you recommendations that will assist you when it comes time to look for your first job.

Being able to graduate without debt is a tremendous advantage. Show this link to the naysayers.

https://calmatters.org/articles/california-gives-gig-workers-break-just-little-one-start/

The young man in the article graduated from University of Southern California (just below Berkeley in the rankings) with a mechanical engineering degree. He is now 25 and still looking for a job while living at home and paying off his loans. “Prestige” was not the automatic golden ticket to a highly paid job.

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“…and still looking for a job while living at home and paying off his loans.”

One BIG advantage of not taking on debt for undergrad: You won’t be forced by economic necessity to live with your parents after graduation. Even for students who have great parents with lots of room in their home, living at home stills severely limits where a graduate can look for a job (basically to within about a 1 hour drive from their parent’s home).

Graduating with no debt means that you won’t have this restriction, and can look for jobs anywhere that you want to be in the country.

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Thank you everyone for the reassuring about my decision. I’m sorry for the late response. I just feel emotionally drained and I’ve been oversleeping.

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The people who will be hiring you in the future do not think less lower ranked ABET programs. They know much more about engineering than your neighbors, cousins, high school friends, out of town relatives. Stick to your plan of graduating debt free.

15

Please talk to a counselor about how you’re feeling. Feeling drained and oversleeping may be related to feeling depressed. Check in here, too, and let us know how you’re doing.

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I plan on seeing my therapist this Thursday.

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I’m glad you will be seeing a therapist and I’m sorry that your family is treating you with such disregard. The best thing I can say is that your full scholarship from a school with an ABET accredited engineering program that will allow you to graduate debt free will likely turn out to be a wonderful choice in the long-run. Although things didn’t work out as you initially planned, this scholarship will give you great financial freedom and will allow you to distance yourself from your parents soon after graduation and move forward with an independent and happy life. And while I’m not an expert on the CA public college system it is my understanding that all of the UCs are quite strong.

Your are very bright – that is what allowed you to earn that large scholarship in the first place. Go to college and grab your chance to be happy and successful there. Find friends, get involved in campus activities, get to know your professors, get internships in your field – in short make the most of everything the school offers. Once you get out in the real world, your success will be based on what you do in the workplace, not where you wen to college.

18

You might feel down right now but you’re going to feel great when you end up in the field and you’re getting employed side by side with people who spent more money on “more prestigious schools”!

19

You unfortunately have a messed up family that you would do well to keep your distance from. This is the hand that you were dealt so you need to make the best of it. I’m sorry that this so.

When people come here in that kind of family situation, I and others often recommend sacrificing the prestige of the school to get a full ride scholarship because with a full ride scholarship, you are financially independent. If you are studying engineering you are about two years away from being able to make some good money over the summer in an internship and can safely leave home forever.

UC-Irvine is a very good engineering school and I am familiar with their EE department. You are far better off becoming financially independent and going to UC-Irvine than you would have been going to Berkeley and having to deal with your family.

You will not be nothing. Just brush off the abuse, and yes it is abuse, and focus on excelling and making yourself happy.

20

Sounds like nothing will ever be good enough for them. Even had you gotten into Berkeley, then they would expect you to get straight A’s, graduate first in your class, etc. They would always demand the impossible from you.

Start working from within, rather than from outside. It’s time you took control of your life and left your home. See if you can leave home, and move into the college. You can try to work part time to pay the living expenses.

As much as I am for facing your fears, I think that leaving is the best thing you can do. Run. Leave your house and find a home elsewhere. You are strong. You can do it.