Hi, I’m a couple weeks away from finishing my first semester of college and I haven’t made any friends yet at all. I’m really introverted and didn’t really have that many friends at home, but here it’s horrible. I love the school I go to for every single thing except the fact that I can’t make friends. I talk to my roommate and we’re friendly but we’re very different people. She really likes going out and partying almost every night and I just like having people to talk to or maybe going to a museum or something with people. Parties give me a ton of anxiety.
I actually thought I was really good friends with my neighbor but then I discovered he doesn’t like me, apparently because I “remind him of the old him,” whatever that means. I try to smile at everyone and say hi to everyone but people just look at me weirdly or keep walking and I’m not sure why. I’ve tried starting conversations but I have really bad social anxiety so I’m horrible at it, and even worse at small talk, so by the time I invite people to get food with me or something they just feel awkward. I’m in clubs and band and everything but everyone already has friends and no one wants to talk to me. Two people have told me I act like I think I’m better than everyone else but I’m not sure how because this makes me really really hate myself. I’ve tried all the advice people have given me and nothing’s worked. Now I find myself just cooped up in my room more and more frequently and I’ve kind of stopped eating regularly and I’m just so lonely all the time.
I’m not sure what to do, please help me?
There isn’t any magical solution to this problem. Making friends is a dynamic process and it isn’t an easy process either, especially if you are introverted and are now withdrawing socially from everyone.
My first suggestion is to head to the College Life section of this message board and read the very many posts like yours about social struggles because there is a lot of good advice that follows the initial post.
My next suggestion is to suggest that you resist the urge to hole yourself up in your room because you aren’t having any success yet. Passively waiting for friends to find you has a low likelihood of happening. But trying to figure out where others like you are hanging out might be a great place to start. There have to be other people on your campus who don’t party and enjoy hanging out and doing the cultural things that you enjoy. You may have to take a nonstandrad approach to finding them. Go to the dining hall regularly and look around for the other people who are alone, ask if they wouldn’t mind if you join them (even if this is hard, think how much you want someone to do the same for you). Study in your campus center or busy part of the library. Go to some of the free offerings on your campus such as lectures or movies. Do your laundry early on the weekend days, when all the party people are still sleeping, and you just might meet another introverted nonparty person like yourself there. If you are religious, join a church on or near your campus.
Lastly, consider going to your campus counseling center for support. There might even be a group for people who are struggling socially.
I don’t think this means no one likes you. You just haven’t found your people yet. Don’t give up. I agree with the above. Keep putting yourself out there. Don’t let yourself slip into self-pity and ask for help from the school’s resources. I used to move around a lot and always had to start over feeling unliked or unwelcome. Just give it time. For me it usually only took that one person to help get my confidence up and start fitting in. Hang in there. I’d be your friend if I could there.
Hang in there, OP. Do healthy things that make you feel more positive, and just keep at it. If all students could be as honest as you, you would be amazed at how many other kids feel the same.
Have you watched “The Big Chill” or “St Elmo’s Fire”? They gave me the idea that I was supposed to come out of college with about 6 life long friends and we’d share, cry, and hug all the dramatic moments to come. I’m in my 50s now and never had THAT group. So I can’t give you any advice on finding friends, but can sympathize. My mother even berated me for being a “social dwarf”! I assure you that I’ve still had a complete and loving life, and I hope you do too!
Have you tried looking up your college on reddit? They have subreddits for just about every school. I’ve seen similar posts as yours and other people chime in saying they’re having similar issues and let’s get together. I’d recommend you look up your college and post your situation and see if anyone is interested in meeting up and doing something like a trip to the museum or grabbing some lunch. I hope things turn up for you and that you find someone you click with soon. I have social anxiety too, but I hide it pretty well, so people don’t know. Also, with regarding to saying hi to people, I think when we lack confidence, people don’t even notice us because we may not say it loud enough, or they’re just consumed with their own thoughts and might not say hi. Anyway, best of luck to you.
You might go check in with the counseling center at college. They might have a few tips on affect or behavior that could help. One of my kids who is socially awkward and not good at reading the cues if others (which may or may not be true for you) Googled and watched a lot of YouTube videos on various emotions and situations to help herself socially. I had no ideas he had done it until a couple years later. She thought it helped her.
^^We had a board-and-cassette game that I purchased years ago, when my oldest son was probably about 4, which allowed us to play at recognizing and replicating the signals on peoples’ faces, giving a clue at their emotional expression. It was very interesting to do this as a game, only to find years later that such role play (or imitation play) was helpful for him.
OP, one of the mountains you are facing is certainly the perception others carry with them and impose on their contact with you - they can only pull on what makes sense to them about your way of relating and interacting. It may never occur to people that you are afraid of returning a ‘Hello,’ or that you may have no idea what to say after that. A way of keeping yourself safe is to stay where you are, believing the interaction may frighten or embarrass or expose you - then you have the same outcome, and the cycle starts all over again.
One thing I read when I was in the same boat, and which I found hilarious, but also useful for the times when I thought, “I can do this. I can do this. I can do this,” (even as I was wincing…) was a little line at the end of an article in a woman’s magazine: * Everyone has holes in their socks. *
That simple little phrase really helped me to think I would not break apart if someone said more than “hello,” and I would be okay if I gave eye contact and said “hello,” only to find it went no farther than that.
It made me think of others - those who were always announcing themselves and their friends, those who seemed all about the business of getting the grade, and those who were simply the easiest going, smile-at-everyone type - as, somehow, like me.
It demystified them, and that really, really helped.