<p>I’ve spent the day worrying about DS. On one hand I’m very proud of him. On the other, I’m worrying (maybe needlessly) that he’s alone. His school has a tradition of Ditch Day. (this is college not high school). He’s a freshman. On Ditch day seniors create stacks - a series of puzzles, adventures, etc for the underclassmen. DS has been looking forward to ditch day… So today is Ditch Day. Underclassmen were randomly assigned to teams to solve the stacks designed by the seniors. His team was assigned to the Animal House Stack - and it involved a series of drinking games. So my DS bowed out. He doesn’t drink. I’m so glad he didn’t bend under peer pressure to spend his day involved drinking games (though part of me wonders if no-alcholic beverages were available for non drinkers but he didn’t ask?? maybe thats just mom’s wishful thinking). I just looked at the schools website and they had pictures up of some of the other stacks - it looked like everyone was having fun…but since my son was randomly assigned to a team that had a stack that involved drinking he missed out since he did not want to participate in drinking games. Its probably just my stuff - worrying about my kid being alone. I guess I feel bad I didn’t encourage him to see if he could switch to a different team - but my sense was that when the drinking games were introduced the other teams had alread dispersed and it would have been hard for him to join another team. Yuck. It was so much easier when he was 6. Mom could step in(I could imagine myself running all over campus trying to find another team for him to join…). Ditch day is over by now. Its back to classes tomorrow. I just hope he’s ok & not feeling isolated - he said he was ok & there would be another ditch day next year…so I really think this is more about mom’s stuff. Any suggestions about what you’d say to your kid (18 year old) who faced something like this - I just told him I thought he’d made the right decision not to join in the drinking games. Should I have said more?</p>
<p>oaklandmom,
I think I would have had the same worried reaction that you did, assuming there was any way I would find out about such an event. 
And I think I would have told my S that I was proud of the decision that he had made. And I’d be quite annoyed that this “team” was a part of a college tradition, when so many other kids had “normal” fun stuff to do.</p>
<p>As long as the desire to interfere remains in your brain and didn’t make it to the college you are not a helicopter mom- bravo. Kudos for how you handled things with your son, he never would have told you if he didn’t want you to know about it. He may have wished for a bit that he was still six and mommy could make it all better, but it sounds like he did well without you (add it to his life learning experiences, he did it all by himself)- and you said exactly the right thing. You also quit while you were ahead, something he appreciated, I’m sure. Sons tend to get over things a lot sooner than their mothers.</p>
<p>I would be interested in letting the administration know how the alcohol involved in a school tradition ruins it for nondrinkers, especially since not all activities were alcohol related- I’m sure you can set investigative wheels in motion (anonomously?) without repercussions for your son. Some things are worth doing something about. This would not be interference, but a protest of traditions that are a black eye for the school.</p>
<p>Oaklandmom, something tells me that many of the other stacks involved drinking in some fashion - how could they reserve all the “fun” for just that one team? MAybe the others just waited until a little later in the process.</p>
<p>Wow. Be proud of your kid. Not many 18-year-olds are going to turn down alcohol. Be SO proud! Just tell him he did the right thing.</p>
<p>thanks so much everyone. I’ve been debating about whether or not to contact the administration…stacks are done by dorm/house and I know my son’s house had been on “probation” due to an incident regarding alcohol over the summer but it was lifted in the fall. The rest of the tradition - the stacks and ditch day is such a big part of the school culture…but it was my understanding that its more about solving puzzles and trying to get into the seniors’ rooms that have been stacked - not a drinking contest which it seems this turned into, at least for the team my son was assigned to. From the pictures of ditch day on the schools website - there are waterguns and rubber duckies, but no drinking…I am so proud my son did the right thing but also sad cuz if he’d been on another team he would have had a fun day blasting kids with waterguns and solving puzzles…a great break from all the hard work he’s been doing this year. I guess I didn’t realize til just now that I’m mad had to miss out on some great fun just because of a random team assignment.</p>
<p>The school administration does need to know - as I recall, drinking for 18 year olds is still illegal in most states. Suppose a kid suffered alcohol poisoning as is often the result of drinking games. Many frats have been unchartered because of drinking games, some of which have resulted in deaths.</p>
<p>Traditions are one thing - this particular “team” went too far afield.</p>
<p>And congratulations to your son!</p>
<p>Wow- I really applaud your ds for that choice! I truly empathize with the heartahe that caused you, too.
Think of it this way- that was a true character-upholding (doesn’t sound like his character needs to be built much, as it already is of such fine quality!)experience for him, and in the big scheme of things, handling such a tough choice has made him a stronger man. Can I introduce him to my dd? 
!!!</p>
<p>It’s quite likely this is not the first thing he’s missed out on/left early at college because of his decision not to drink. 
Drinking seems to rule the college roost. I hope he’s found his people.</p>
<p>Oh…I hate this kind of thing - I did just send an email off to the school (not sure really the right person to say something to but I at least sent an email).</p>
<p>I’ve also been realizing this morning that it brings back the pain of when he was younger - all the boys in his 1st grade class joined a cub scout troup and he was not invited. We didn’t know about it until one day when I picked him up from after school care and he was the only boy…all the other boys had gone off to tour a submarine with their scout troup. When I asked the other moms why my son wasn’t asked to join the scout troup I was told “there wasn’t room.” There were 8 boys in my son’s 1st grade class. How could there not be room? They said they’d invited kids from other classes. I hate when my kid is left out of things!<br>
thanks galway, he is a young man of fine character. & I’m sure he’d love to meet your DD (the “ratio” at his school is 70% women, 30% women - he had said when he decided to go there that he wasn’t going to school for girls but for an education and that he had plenty of time to find the right girl…).</p>
<p>Oaklandmom – Wow. You must be really proud of your son for standing up for what he believes in. What a great kid you have there. Yes, it’s too bad he didn’t realize what was going on in time to find a different team, but wow, I’m impressed.</p>
<p>Further support for you, oaklandmom, and kudos for oaklandson. He’ll know for next year to look for a team where he’ll be welcomed with open arms and fully able to participate. But I’m sorry it was so painful along the way.</p>
<p>More kudos to you and your son, oaklandmom. You did so well, helicoptering here and not directly over him. If your son is anything like mine, he will have greatly appreciated that your support of him was short and sweet.</p>
<p>I think he/you have two things to be proud of: his sticking to his principles AND (maybe even more important) handling the disappointment without feeling sorry for himself/descending into self-pity. He put this into its proper perspective - there’ll be other Ditch Days. Even though my S is one of the “cone of silence”/ non-communicator types, I know he appreciates when I let him know I am proud of him for his resilience on these kinds of matters. Maybe a little note from you to him underlining how proud you are on both counts?</p>
<p>I just know that we moms hurt more for them than probably they do for themselves. But you did great.</p>
<p>Oakland Mom, I feel for the heart ache you have for the son being left out. Mine was the same way. So quiet and not part of the group, that he was often not invited to parties, study sessions, etc. Once he was not invited to a birthday because the mom (who invited the whole sixth grade class), forgot about him. She felt terrible, son got a very last minute invitation, didn’t realize he had been forgotten, and went off happily to the party. I cried.</p>
<p>I think you said/did the right thing. Hope he is finding his niche.</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone. The school is now looking into the matter. I’m off to buy a few treats and send a care package to my DS and I’ll include a note reminding him how proud I am of him.</p>
<p>Although my D partakes from time to time she also goes to lots of “drinking events” and doesn’t drink. She can still be involved and not do anything she doesn’t want to do. Unlike high school she feels no pressure from anyone in college to drink and almost every occasion involves a few designated drivers anyway. He will probably be very popular for that reason alone:)</p>
<p>Oaklandmom,
My S said he had fun going thru a stack, but never mentioned the drinking. I spoke to him just prior to dinner, and he didn’t sound drunk. Actually, he doesn’t like alcohol. Few of his friends drink. I am SO SORRY that your S got caught up in a group that promoted that behavior. I am glad you contacted school–nobody should promote these actions.</p>