I feel like I have two different lives Empty nesters...It gets better:)

Parent Cafe
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I’ve got my life when my kid comes home from college…and I love it. We kinda slip back into a family centered life where we do a lot of stuff together on the weekends, see a lot of my kiddo’s best friend, boy friend, cousins, etc… We cook together, play games, watch movies, spend a ton of time together. Bonfires and camping and cook outs and day trips. And I really do…I love every minute. It’s very easy for me to slip back into Mom mode and try to make things special and wonderful to come home to…and include Grandma…and just do the family thing. Full Monty. Whip out the board games, bake cookies, give the dog a bubble bath and just relive some of those days gone by. I love it when my kid comes home.

BUT…

I’m also starting to love my other life. My weird new alien life where my hubby and I spend more time together, where we go on dates again, and actually TALK…and get a little crazy, and laugh a lot, and have…you know…actual human identities outside of just being parents. LOL. As much as I love having a house full of visiting teenagers, and found it kinda heartbreaking when my house got so quiet that first year my kiddo went away to college…sometimes quiet is really really nice! Sometimes it’s really nice not to have to pick someone up at the same time you’re trying to make dinner. Sometimes it’s nice to spend all that pizza money and the hundreds of dollars of extra groceries…on some fun nights out with husband…instead of the gaggle of hungry locusts my daughter was a part of.

Sometimes it’s awesome to talk to my best girlfriend for an hour uninterrupted. Sometimes it’s wonderful to take a really long bath and read a book without someone needing something every fifteen minutes. I have enjoyed thinking about things to enrich my own learning and my own life for a change. I have enjoyed doing less laundry and fewer dishes. I have enjoyed long walks with the dog. I’ve enjoyed not worrying at night (as much…lol). I love buying weird new food, and taking up new hobbies, and pouring my energy and attention into me again. I love not having to watch the clock so much. I love that there are shows I only watch with my husband, and inside jokes, and that we’re finding little ways to reinvent ourselves.

And while it’s true…I still leap to get the phone when my kiddo is calling…and I adore hearing about her new life and many adventures…and I inwardly dance a little jig when she says she’s coming home for a visit…there is a very real part of me that quite likes my new life. Took four years to get here…but I think I might actually survive this “kids grow up” thing, after all.

For all you sad parents of Freshmen this year who feel a little lost in the empty nest…I’m here to tell ya…it gets better.

Of course, you’ll always miss them. But they really do come back. For holidays, for vacations, for parts of the summer, for random surprise weekends. You’re still a family. That hasn’t changed. Yep, the dynamic has changed and you have to work on an adult friendship more and an authoritarian dictatorship less…lol…but it happens. You get there, and it’s wonderful.

Your new life will be wonderful. Stop grieving when you’re ready…and let yourself discover it:)

And hey…for a while you’ll get TWO lives…which is pretty cool. Variety is the spice of life!

And before you know it…we’re grandparents and the adventure has yet another chapter.

Some really wonderful surprises yet to come. Hang on, it’s a crazy ride!

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So true! And my funny cuz it’s true joke is this

You know what the best part of being an empty nester is? Well it’s 5:30 pm, guess what I’m having for dinner?

I have no idea!

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Lovely post! Thanks for sharing. There are things that are nice. I love not having to cook. I love not tripping over shoes. I love my house clean. I love spending money on DH and I. I love taking weekend trips or vacations without considering the kids. There really are good things!

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@MaryGJ, you nailed it! I couldn’t have said it better myself!

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Excellent post. We’ve been on again - off again empty nesters. Right now our recent grad is back in the nest for a bit. While I love having him here I find myself resentful that I’ve been reassigned many of my old responsibilities.

When H and DS meander into the kitchen around 5:30 and ask…so what are the dinner plans I have to restrain myself from screaming ‘I don’t know, if you didn’t plan for this (an event which happens every single day since the dawn of time) then maybe tonight we go on a lemon water fast’.

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My answer used to be, “I don’t know. I live here just like you. What are you making for dinner?”

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I love cooking, but sometimes I just snap back, “Dinner?! We had that LAST night!”

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@dietz199 Sounds like it’s time to assign your recent grad a few nights of menu planning, shopping, and cooking per week. Even if you are still paying for the groceries, it would be a big help to you and a good experience for them for when they are off on their own.

I’m fortunate that both of my kids love cooking so when they are home I get treated to lots of good eats. But, the grocery budget definitely goes up a huge amount.

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@MaryGJ, thanks for an excellent summary of the evolution of family life around the time of college attendance!

The phrase “gaggle of hungry locusts” made me laugh out loud. :))

DH and I have been riding this roller coaster since our oldest left for college in 2010. First him, then his younger brother two years later. Two years of both of them away. Then oldest graduated and returned to the nest to live while saving for his first house. His house will be ready at the end of this month, so he will be flying the nest for good. Younger son is away at grad school starting the second year of what is likely a five year PhD program. He is unlikely to return to the nest after graduating.

I so relish all the time spent with them, but I know our new lives will be great, too!

Thanks for expressing my thoughts so perfectly, MaryGJ!

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Last night we didn’t transfer the leftovers to smaller containers because there was plenty of room in the refrigerator. We keep forgetting how empty the refrigerator is when it’s just the two of us.

House stays cleaner, too.

But I still miss them.

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Mary, you said exactly how I feel. I love my kids, and I loved this summer knowing it was probably our last living all together. And I put everything into being a mom. But wow, is it also nice to take care of myself and my marriage. I have couple friends over now. We can binge watch tv shows. I had cheese and wine the other night for dinner. I have lost 50+ lbs by focusing on me, my exercising, our eating. I don’t have to worry that this one doesn’t like that, the other one can’t have something else, etc. It’s beyond the clean house thing, everything is where I left it.

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@eyemamom wow, congrats on losing 50lbs that’s terrific!
I am almost there with one in college across the country and my baby a junior in HS. He’s almost independent and will get his license to drive in October. Right now he’s ironing all his t-shirts for the week and washing his bed sheets, so he’s on track to fly the nest! I too will miss having both of my boys around but will also not feel guilty if I don’t want to go straight home to cook dinner or drive my son to practice or whatever. My H and I love dreaming about what our retirement will look like. I’m still trying to coax him into beachside living but we’ll see how that pans out. For now I’m going to enjoy being in the present.

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Kids (34 and 28) are both finished with school, set in careers, and married so I am way further along in the process than most here. This is my favorite phase of parenting! When kids are with us they appreciate us and are little work for us. Plus we now have a grandchild and another on the way from older child and her husband – grandkids embody most of the joy and little of the work of parenting. To top it all off, we got (with little effort on our own part) two fully grown new family members (son-in-law and daughter-in-law) who are great people – and whose diapers we never had to change, and whom we did not have to send to college! Plus we now have a lovely guest room (the larger of the kids’ rooms).
Life is good on the other side of the empty nest. :wink:

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I don’t care what’s for dinner and my H stopped asking about a year ago. When my D is home I send her to grocery store and tell her to “surprise us with what you are going to make for dinner”. Inevitably the bill comes back about $200 dollars and I ask “What’s all this for?” “Sorry, I just picked up some things I need for my college apartment.” Oh well, small price to pay.

I have rediscovered long hours reading books with no interruptions. I don’t answer the phone because it’s probably not important. It’s not my D calling because she honestly doesn’t really know how to make phone calls. She is the texting generation.

I can finally have a clean car without kid crap and trash all over.

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OK well I am going to be the worst here…our D has been in and out for well over a decade. She and her soon to be
(next weekend) H will move here for at least 3 years next July. Everyone is thrilled for H and myself.
Well…I have really gotten use to her being 3,000 miles away. Sometimes now when she is so busy
in her medical residency I miss talking and texting with her. S is 4 hours away and a total bust as a
communicator but his wife and I are good enough for me.

I am just a little worried about this new situation next year. It feels perfectly ok to have limited contact
now but if she is just across town --? does she ring the doorbell or text–is she here or there.
New territory for me for sure. Also, I guess I do not think this is the best plan for her H and that worries me
too. So all of our friends are thrilled for D and her H to live close by and I feel a need to keep my thoughts
to myself.

It took time but now I like my clean house and while I still cook for us I like the smaller dinners.

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@oregon101, it sounds like you have an opportunity to figure out what kind of closeness you want to have and to set the limits accordingly. You could see them every day if you want but it doesn’t sound like you do. I think to start off on the right foot, you might invite them for dinner, say, next Sunday at 6:00 PM. That sets up the expectation that you decide when and how often they will come to your house.

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Just realized that H and I have never lived near a relative. Growing up our relatives were 30-40 minutes away
so there was always a plan. When D lived in town for a year she complained that we rarely drove to her
house. It was a 45 minute difficult drive and her roommates were about and the living room uncomfortable.
We would drive over and take her to lunch. This will sort itself out. It is just new territory.

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…and then there’s Retirement!

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My kids both live within a few miles of us. They don’t just drop in or expect meals. We do tend to have S over for dinner and watch his Netflix (lol, we’re too cheap for it) on our tv every one or two weeks. But nothing is assumed. D and her H work during evening hours, so rarely come by. But about once a month D and I go out for lunch together; it’s nice to be able to do that. Full disclosure, H and I go away almost every weekend, and then we’re two hours away. But OTOH, it’s a beach area, so kids come down often especially in the summer. I’m glad we’re really near some of the time, and near enough the rest of the time. No one takes advantage, and we get a lot of quality time with our grownup persons!