I feel like my father doesn't really care about my education or my goals.

Hello,

I just feel like my dad doesn’t really care about my education or my goals. I remember back in elementary and middle school, I didn’t always get good grades. My mother would always get very upset and lecture me about how important it is to do well in school. My father would talk to me, but he would never really mention my grades it was more so about becoming a better person. I even asked him one day when he talked to me after receiving a not so good report card, “What about my grades?” He answered, “I don’t care about your grades, I care about how you’re going to become as a man”. Beginning in high school, I decided to make a change and start putting in my best effort in school. Needless to say my hard work paid off and I maintained a 3.9 GPA in high school and earned mostly A’s. Whenever I would show my dad my report card, he never really showed any enthusiasm, he would just say “good job”. My mother and my siblings, on the other hand, would be ecstatic.

Because I did so well in high school, I earned a $24,000 scholarship to my dream college. I am a Biology major with intentions to become a Physician Assistant, and I take challenging courses. Thus I have to spend a lot of time studying. Whenever I’m sitting down studying, my father will tell me things such as “You study 24/7, you need to get a life, you need to relax, etc.” I get upset when he says this. I have to study an adequate amount of time in order to do well in my classes. He makes it as if studying is a bad thing. My mother, however, tells me, “Son, study as much as you need to”. He asked me one day, “How are you enjoying college”. I answered, “I like it, so far it has been a good experience.” Then he told me, “Oh you’re going to end up being a janitor at your school”. I can’t believe he told me that. I think the reason why he said that was because he thinks I’m just college, college, college, or that I love college and my school so much. No. I don’t go around waving my school’s flag or wearing my school’s facepaint. He simply asked how was I enjoying school, and I gave an honest answer. Even when I was moving in on campus, he complained about how I had so much stuff to move in (And it wasn’t that much by the way) and that he’s not doing this again, even though my brother and I was helping him out. I wanted him to be happy to help me move in on campus, but instead he had an attitude.

I wouldn’t say my father is a bad father. He does tell me he loves me and he’s proud of me. However, at times I feel as though he doesn’t really express it. I just wish my father was more involved and supportive of my education and my goals. My mother isn’t like my father. She is very supportive of my education and goals and always pushes me to do my best. I am very grateful for that, but I wish my father was the same. When he makes comments like that I get upset. Shouldn’t a parent be happy or proud that their child is putting in a lot of effort in school and being on their way to achieve great things? Without a higher education and earning good grades, I wouldn’t be able to do what I would like to do for the rest of my life. I am the first person from my immediate family to go off to university. My father has never been to college, and he didn’t even finish high school. However, he got his GED. I’m not sure if that has anything to do with it. What do you guys think? I would love to hear your feedback.

Has your father had a successful working career with a GED? That may explain some of his ambivalence toward education.

Of course, the labor market is different now, mainly in that it is worse for those with less education than it was a generation ago.

I think that your father loves you and is very proud of what you have accomplished and what you have become. He just has a different way to show it than other people.

You have very significantly increased/improved your grades over time. However, that is not ALL that you have done, nor are the grades the cause of your improvement. Your grades are a symptom of the way that you approach school and approach life. You say that for him “it was more so about becoming a better person”. To me it sound like you have, and that is what he is proud of.

Your father appears more concerned with the person you are than the grades you get, and he obviously likes what he sees. There are many prior OPs on this site who wish their parent(s) had that attitude.

We were proud of our kids and their grades…but really…we cared more that they did the best they could do…than what the grades actually were.

We also wanted them to be good on the inside and outside. That mattered to us also.

And we wanted them to find things to enjoy in life.

Between your two parents, you have a balance…one who cares a lot about grades…and the other who cares a lot about you as a person.

Really…at the end of the day…the person you are will matter far more than your grades.

Just my opinion.

Your dad knows that beyond high school grades become less and less important and what really matters is you become a good person who is prepared for the world. Honestly, after you get your first job, very few employers care about your grades. Sounds like your father wants you to have a well rounded life and while he may not express this in a way that resonates with you, he is expressing his feelings in the best way he knows how. That’s my guess.

Do the best you can. Your father is likely very proud of you but may notake know how to communicate his pride in a way that feels good to you. Your mother does. Both love you in their own way. If you do as well as you can, everyone will be happy in their own way.

I think you are looking at the glass half empty instead of half full. It seems clear that your dad loves you and wants you to grow up into a good, well-rounded, responsible man. And it is clear from your words that he loves you. If he isn’t a constant cheerleader of your continuing education, well then you have to leave that job to your mom.

As you grow up you will have to find satisfaction within yourself – as long as you are confident that you are on a good and successful path you shouldn’t need your dad to tell you.

All in all I’d say your glass is more than half full.

I get the feeling he wants to you balance studying and focusing on your career goals with having quality life experiences. For example getting more involved in social activities at school. He may see that you are focused on the destination (your goal of becoming a PA) and he wants you to enjoy the journey that gets you there.

When we are so focused on the future we forget to enjoy the present. He wants you to not just be known for your profession but for the kind of person that you are. Your personal qualities. Most importantly he wants you to be a good man. For him maybe your values and character are more important than the person you become.

He cares for you it is just that he is not able to express it in his words.

Your father probably doesn’t understand that you take pride in your academic accomplishments and would like his approval. Since you are the first one from your family going to college, he also might not realize how significant this is. He might be feeling a little jealous at the path you are taking and how different it will be from his. My grandmother was like that many years ago when I went to college - she didn’t see the need for me or any of my siblings or cousins to go. She thought we should be content live life like she and her children did - in blue collar jobs in our own hometown.

But whatever the reason for his lack of enthusiasm for your education, you should realize that no one is perfect, and try to appreciate your parents for the ways they do support you and the things they have done for you. People express their love for each other in different ways. Be thankful that you do have close family members that do support your educational goals and accomplishments. Be thankful that your father isn’t pushy and demanding of you. Be thankful that your father feeds you and clothes you and has done that your entire life. Be thankful that he is proud of you and takes the time to talk to you. Lots of kids don’t have families like that.

My husband and I parent our daughters in different ways. My husband is the “fun” one in the family. He doesn’t like to be the disciplinarian. Each weekend he always has fun activities planned. He’s also their chauffeur. But he’s not the type who will talk to them about their problems or make sure that they have all their school stuff, clothes, shoes, etc. and he doesn’t have a clue how to take care of them when they’re sick. They like him for his easy going ways and the fun things he does with them, but they come to me when they need something like a new coat or new shoes. They come to me when they are sad and need someone to talk to. They definitely come to me when they are sick. But I’m really not into having to always be on the go doing something all the time - I like to stay at home sometimes and relax.

So try to see your parents as imperfect individuals who just have different personalities and ways of showing they care about you. I’m sure when you graduate, your Dad will be there with a big smile on his face and will be very proud of you.

Your father may be dealing with feelings about his own education, or lack thereof, as a result of your efforts and successes. If he has been successful regardless, he may have a streak of anti-intellectualism, or feel your efforts are not needed. If he has not been successful, he may resent your successes and your devotion to school, especially since he never had the chance.

Some parents are so happy when their kids can move beyond them in life, and some aren’t. Competition with a kid of the same gender can be especially strong. I am not judging this because I think it reflects pain.

At first I thought your father might just be concerned with you as a whole person. But the comment about you becoming a janitor would suggest more complicated reasons.

As you grow as an adult, you may learn to feel sorry for your father and the lack of opportunities he had. It helps if you try to stop needing approval or praise, because you may not get it. To give it to you might be to deny himself in many complex ways.

Continue to work according to your own strong drive and vision for the future, regardless of anyone else. Many people don’t get what they need from a parent, and it is better to realize you may not get it and continue moving forward.

It is nice that your mother is so supportive and great that you are doing so well. A PA career will be rewarding and well-paying.

Your family is an example of why having two parents is beneficial. Your parents both love and support you but in different ways, that have helped you. Don’t compare them. It’s not fair or really necessary. He tell you that he loves you. That is miles beyond what so many boys and men have heard from their fathers. Be sure to appreciate him for who he is as he appreciates you as a person, beyond being a good student. He may not even fully understand what is required to reach your goals but I bet he is bragging about you to his friends and family.

Having a child go off to school is nerve-racking. Parents are proud their child has reached this milestone, fearful of how the outside world will treat them, concerned about money and their child future. We miss our child’s daily presence and may not be able to express it for fear of ruining our child’s joy.

As you grow older and wiser, you learn not to be mad at people for what they can’t do or for who they are not. Learn about them and cherish the part that is good.

Have you tried speaking to him adult to adult? “Look dad I know you have mixed feelings about college but it means a lot to me so could you please lay off?”

Sounds like your dad is trying to tell you that it’s about the journey not the destination. I agree with everyone else that your father lioves you and just expresses it differently from your mom.

There are always two sides to the situation of a child moving beyond the parent, and some parents do not feel positively about it for complicated reasons that it can take years to understand.

I think you’ve gotten some good responses, but let me add one more…

A lot of people who didn’t enjoy school don’t “get” that some of us actually enjoy it. When your dad sees you studying, he may think that it’s pure drudgery because that’s probably what school was for him. The idea that someone might actually ENJOY learning new things may be totally foreign to them. It sounds as if you are working hard, but you also enjoy what you’re doing.

Parents also enjoy being able to guide their kids…and some of us can feel a bit uncomfortable when our kids “sail off into unchartered waters” we know nothing about. That’s especially true if we deep down in our hearts had a vision of the kind of connection we’d have to our young adult kids and it’s just not being fulfilled.

I know a man who is in his late 50s who had a terrible relationship with his dad. His dad was the high school football coach in a small town where football was a big deal. His son LOATHED football; he thinks it’s the dumbest sport ever invented. He refused to try out for the team. He didn’t want to attend the games at his high school. He didn’t care if his high school team won or lost. That was just a horrible thing for his dad. The son moved a long way away from home. His daughter ended up going to a LAC near her grandparents. They were wonderful to her. Her dad was stunned by just how well his daughter and father got along. His father had no expectations that his granddaughter was going to play football and just let her be herself.

So, maybe your dad had some mental image of you two doing stuff together when you finished high school. And, now that you’re busy studying, it’s just not happening. He may find it harder to talk to you because so much of your life now revolves around areas where he can’t advise you.

Your father may feel uncomfortable on campus because that world is so foreign to him. Sometimes too on move-in day some other kids’ parents may say things like “I remember moving in my freshman year so vividly,” “I hope (s)he has a better roommate experience than I did,” “I’m so glad my kid can live on campus. I had to work full time and commute and I think I missed a lot.” Your dad can’t participate and feels uncomfortable. To him, the parents that say such things are jerks…and he’s worried you’ll turn into one.

So, chart your own course. Do what you need to do for yourself. But you might try to take some time to do something with your dad you know he’d like and avoid talking about college stuff while you are. Go to a movie, a sporting event, play catch, watch a NASCAR race, whatever your dad enjoys.

Good luck!

^^^ Exactly! It is not his world.

My own mother’s educational opportunities were limited, while I did GT classes and got a college scholarship. Later in life when we talked about childhood, she told me that she had no idea what I was talking about or doing past my fifth grade year. Not just the classes, but the whole bigger world exposure and dreams. She came to every PTA meeting, school program, presentation, event, etc., and was my supportive rock of love.

Count yourself among the very fortunate to live in a stable household where both parents love and support you. Your dad grew up in a different time, cut him some slack for not being all gushy. That’s not what most men do.