I think your S made the better choice to concentrate on his studies if he were in any doubt about his ability to get a good GPA.
I’m sorry he feels rejected, but looking at it dispassionately, he rejected all the guys at the other 23 frats pretty much sight unseen because of his impression that they were not good enough for him.
Maybe he should think about that, and learn something from it.
Too many college kids fall for this whole frat “ranking” thing, rather than visiting and getting to know the guys at a broader range of houses. It is one of the least attractive aspects of rushing, to me, and reinforces the negative stereotypes about Greeks.
And this is why I was thrilled my kids had no interest in traditional Greek organizations. I can’t think of another time in life when one can be “officially” declared not good enough to socialize with. And for it to happen at a point when young adults are just figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world? Ugh!
My D was in a co-ed service fraternity that took pretty much everyone who showed sincere interest. No houses, no hazing, no heavy partying, but sufficient rituals and traditions and opportunities to make good friends.
So sorry. Girls have a similar problem and at D1 school the girls that usually fell through during rush were ones that kind of blew off sororities that didn’t think they wanted. There are nice girls in all of them and I’m sure the same is for guys. Does he have any good friends in the final two? If so he should express his continued interest to them in case they add students in the spring (in large schools there are always students who drop out of frat or school).
What is his major? At D2 big school there are some really good professional fraternities - one for chemical engineers come to mind. And they did lots of things that social frats did like formals, events, service, etc. Maybe that’s a possibility. And many of these don’t take students until sophomores or juniors so he would not be unusual.
Just remind him that he was smart to pass it up as a freshmen. For guys the time and money suck comes after they get in and can really interfere with fall academics. (D1 says sorority is stressful during rush but once in it’s all gifts and big sisters :)) Don’t let him regret not trying then - starting off with strong GPA is gold. Much better than spending the next few semesters trying to bring up a low GPA.
Good point @Consolation . When this passes and he’s not feeling so low, I will kindly bring this to his attention. I never thought of it so objectively and a good reminder to all of us.
Being on this side of Greek life now, as an adult, and seeing the hurt it causes, I think there has to be a better way. However, it was a good experience to force yourself to talk to strangers, etc.
My nephew joined his freshman year, but a lot of his friends and roommates were not asked. Some tried to get in again in the spring, and some even tried sophomore year before joining another frat. They are all pretty happy wherever then landed, and nephew even lives with guys who are in other houses.
It is different than sororities. They can join frats all through the year, the houses set their own rush rules. It’s disappointing, but no over yet. With 27 houses, I think there will be some still looking for members.
I hope that people don’t use this to slam the Greek system. Yes I know that many do not like the system. But @conmama came here for support and I would like this not to dissolve into an anti Greek thread. (We’ve had plenty of those).
Some people have had a very positive Greek experience and are still involved in their alumni association.
For most college campuses as far as sororities go, they make their quota based on the number of girls who complete rush. So there is a spot if they want, it may not be the sorority they want but maybe those girls are really nice. My D would have loved to be in the not so popular sorority, she went to dances and date parties and was friends with the fraternity that had tons of engineers in and was not the “popular” fraternity. They were super nice, friendly and smart though and have great jobs now.
Now for my bit of a rant. Not every kid can be in every organization that they want. My 5’10" skinny son is not a great athlete, he wouldn’t have made a college team. There are plenty of other examples. You don’t get the internship or job that you always want. Life is not always exactly what you want. I think that my kids are stronger because they know this. I know college kids who thought they would get every job they interviewed for because they had never experienced rejection.
So what I’m saying is that while it’s hard, I think fraternities and sororities can limit their membership and not burn in h***
“I just needed to vent, my Moms heart is hurting.”
Oh boy do I understand this. It’s rough watching one of your kids go through something like this. He will be OK, you will be OK, but it’s rough for sure. Hang in there.
" His GF is in a sorority so he gets to go to all the dances, etc"
DS13’s GF is a sorority and he is not. I think this best for him. He gets to go to stuff but he can concentrate on school… I know it’s hard but maybe in the long run it will be best for your son too.
Sorry for the pain I read in your post and this thread. Remember that everything happens for a reason–when a door closes, a new window opens.
I quit the sorority I was pledging when they were threatening to toss me our during finals week! It was my best decision ever! The Greek system is definitely a mixed bag–helps some, hurts many.
I’m sorry you’re feeling down @conmama. FWIW, it may be a blessing in disguise. My S is a sweet geek disguised as a frat jock. He got into a “top tier” fraternity only because he was a well known HS athlete and went to our flagship. He knew a lot guys from his sport and our hometown. It wasn’t a good fit for him. He liked being Greek, but didn’t care for his house. IME, top tier houses also tend to haze. By his senior year, S had more or less been adopted by another “less popular” fraternity and was much happier. I hope your S finds his tribe.
My son went through something similar. He waited until 2nd year, and he had no “in” or link to any frat. Nobody in our family )at least that we ware close to) had been in a frat or sorority before. He really didn’t have any idea how to work the process. He was disappointed, but really seemed to recover quickly.
I hope your son does also.
Thanks everyone. I came to the right place to “cry”. I might talk to him about rushing others besides the top tier, but I bet he won’t go thru this again. I hope he’s happy enough by February to not care.
I’m not a fan of sororities or fraternities but it sucks when anything breaks a child’s heart. I’m sure he’ll get over it in due time and find other interesting activities. There is a whole lot more to a college experience than Greek life but yeah at the time of rejection, it seems like the biggest missed opportunity.
I guess I would rather be told I could not be part of a group rather than being shunned or ignored like many less formal groups often do.
Like any group of humans, fraternities have many facets. There is good and bad everywhere. I find that many times the students on a campus are unaware of what constitutes a ‘top flight’ fraternity. Some will open a chapter house on nearly any college while others strictly open on campuses that fit their mission better. Does top flight mean best party reputation? Or does it mean those that do the most philanthropy? Or has the best study habits? Or just the ‘biggest’?
Just relax mom. Kids are often less affected by this than are their parents.
Very timely thread. At my son’s school students cannot pledge until sophomore year, which for him is this year. So this evening we got an email from the head of the Greek system at the school, explaining the process to parents, and providing links to all the information. Neither my husband or I know anything about fraternities or sororities, and while we knew there were dues involved, never thought they would amount to over $1,000 for the year. Wow! Is that common? We’re not against him joining in theory, but with costs like that, we wouldn’t be upset if he decided against it either! I can’t help but think, as others on this thread have pointed out, that other groups and methods of bonding might be just as good if not better!
Yes, D tried fencing and polo. S tried rock climbing, ultimate frisbee and dorm activities. Activities can get expensive. There are many other options at Us. I did the national and campus YWCA, plus my dorm. There are a ton of activities on most campuses and communities.
“Thanks everyone. I came to the right place to “cry”. I might talk to him about rushing others besides the top tier, but I bet he won’t go thru this again. I hope he’s happy enough by February to not care.”
Well, you might not think you still came to the right place to cry, after reading my post
I am sympathetic to you as a mom, because it’s awful to watch our kids deal with sadness and rejection. So painful to see our dear children upset. However…let me get this right. He only applied to 4 out of 27 frats? It doesn’t sound like he knew anyone there, or had friends there, and was interested in them only because they were “highly ranked” and “top tier”? Ah, as a mom of two sons who were in fraternities for years (one who was a fraternity president), that sounds odd . I know a lot of people are into status, elitism, rankings, and all that—but yuck! Is that really the reason that he wants to spend much of his free time over the years with a group of people? Or does he want to have a lifetime bond with people he truly enjoys?
If he’s still interested, he actually needs to get to know some people in the fraternities. Make friends, figure out who his people are. He might decide that those “top ranked” fraternities are filled with people that he doesn’t want to hang around with. If he finds his people in a certain fraternity, he may not even have to go through the usual process to get in. If you were in one of those “top tier” fraternities (or any fraternity), would you pick someone you don’t know to join your frat, or would you pick a friend?
“let me get this right. He only applied to 4 out of 27 frats?”
In practice, men can’t rush all the fraternities at a big campus. There isn’t time. That said, it does sound like he picked the wrong houses to focus on. Any campus with 20+ fraternities likely has a few that aren’t recruiting as many members as they want. If there are some chapters on the campus that are new, or that don’t have houses when the majority do, those might be the best place to look to get a second chance.
Agree that coed Service Fraternity is a viable option. It’s not the same as living in a house together, but they usually have their own office on campus, do great projects and have a lot of fun together. There’s a pledge class, a secret handshake, and all other FRAT related things. It’s time consuming though, and if you’re not all-in, you won’t make it through to be a brother.
