I feel sad for my DS, didn't get a Frat bid.

Parent Cafe
1

He waited until this year, his 2nd, to rush. He was worried about grades his first year and being able to do the work as academics aren’t his strong point. Good idea and he has a 3.5 now. So, he decided he can handle college and wanted to be in a fraternity. It’s a strong campus for them. I knew the girls Rush was cutthroat, but had no idea the guys were.

Now granted, he just focused on 4 out of 27. I know there is not a lot of time and you have to get around to meeting tons of guys so they know you…it’s really not organized like sororities. I guess he already knew from reputation the ones he was interested in, but he should have gone to a few that weren’t so highly ranked…kids, sigh. I kept telling him great guys are in all of them.

So, he got called back to the last round on 2 of them, and never heard back. his last chance was last night when one didn’t fill the class, so invited back guys. He could be asked today, but more than likely they gave bids last night.

I’ve been texting and talking to him trying to pump him up. He really wanted this experience. He has friends, and does lots of stuff, but I know what he wants…I wanted it too and joined a sorority in college. He’s not a “cool kid”, like my oldest if that makes sense. (Example, several know his brother and were saying…hey, how’s brother?) He’s friendly and handsome, but doesn’t exude confidence the way his brother does… just “nice”. Maybe there is some lack of confidence, I don’t know. I told him that he must have been liked as he made it to final rounds, but he’s not a freshman and who knows what criteria they look for.

It’s hard knowing he hurts and feels rejected. I know he wishes he was back in the dorms. He made great friends there and having all those kids all around with open doors coming and going was so much fun…he likes groups. It’s just not the same in apartment life, even though there are several of them living together. They aren’t really close or do much together, but get along.

I just needed to vent, my Moms heart is hurting. I told him I was proud of him for taking sticking his neck out and trying, many aren’t that brave. I think the thing is he never anticipated not getting into one. I told him only 15% of kids are Greek and he’s going to have a great time with the other 85%. It’s okay to grieve and feel blue for a bit, but don’t wallow in it too long. His GF is in a sorority so he gets to go to all the dances, etc…but he just wanted a piece of it for himself.

On the other hand, if he did get in I would have been worried all the time. I know what they get exposed to.

So, anyone else go through the same thing with their son or daughter?

2

Oh gosh, I feel your pain. This is why I’m looking for colleges for my son that don’t have a big Greek life! My sons are younger than yours but I have the same situation. DS1 is super nice and just an all around great guy but I think its true that nice guys often finish last. DS2 exudes confidence and seems to have a charisma that attracts everyone to him. He will be the president of the frat while my older son probably wouldn’t get asked back either. I get it, my son isn’t in the cool crowd yet people do like him and he’s not a geek or socially awkward or anything. What’s tough is for these nice guys it isn’t the first time this type of thing has happened and as a mom, its so hard to watch. Based on my own college experience I think fraternity guys are jerks and your son is better off! I have no words of wisdom just a

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^^^you hit his personality exactly, explained it better than me. Not socially awkward or anything like that, but that type of exclusion has happened before. I think that’s why it bothers me so much. Thanks so much!

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I’m so sorry conmama. Although I personally had a good experience with Greek life, I know that this happens and it always makes me so sad. Truthfully I am glad that my own S attended a college with no fraternities (than transferred to school overseas) because I could have seen this happen to him, too.

Can you encourage him to get involved in another activity such as a service group?

Hugs to both of you.

5

Thanks FallGirl…he did get invited to join the National Society of Collegiate Scholars this summer. He did join, and there was supposed to be more info and an initiation this fall. You can do as much or as little as you want. I’m going to ask him about it, but I don’t know if he’ll go if he’s the only one he knows that did it. I am going to ask if he’s thought about joining some club.

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I was in a fraternity at a university with 27 as well. The thing to remember is that they all have different personalities and those change a little over time as new brothers are added and the house evolves with that change. There was probably a house that better fit your son’s personality, but he may not have bothered with them.

That being said, while Greek life was good in many ways, it is not necessary for a great college experience (even at a school with a strong Greek presence). For me, the real advantage to Greek life versus other social groups in college is the national presence after graduation.

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Oh yes, same thing here. It has made my son independent and very brave. But is so hurtful. I notice that adults love my son and think he is amazing so I am hoping that in the real world he will be done with this type of thing. College is great but lets face it, it isn’t the real world yet.

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Awww, sorry @conmama. I think it’s harder for sophomore’s to get a bid. My D had mono her freshman year and couldn’t go through rush and then sophomore year things didn’t work out. And on some campuses, I think fraternities can be really cliquish.

I think I know where your S is. Don’t they have a wierd Rush where boys move into the house and never even into a dorm? So rush must happen before school even starts. Friends of mine had girls who rushed at this school and it was hard if you were from out of state and didn’t have HS friends in different sororities. A good friend of mine her D got into a very popular sorority (she’s extremely pretty and her grandmother was a influential alum) and hated it. Quit after 2 years.

I’m not sure if that helps, because it’s hard. My D, who is older, just got out of long term relationship. She’s trying to date, with friends and on line. She thought she found a match but he didn’t. She’s feeling sad and terrible. We have some long conversations as she’s lonely and this is hard!

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@Torveaux …I completely agree there must have been some that would have been a better fit. However, he straddles that line and Went to the top tier frats…whatever that means ( I know what it means, just think it’s not really true). I guess we all learn these lessons. I tried to tell him to go to others when I knew what he was doing, but he said he’s picked the ones he wanted and it’s his choice so I just closed my mouth after that. I was Greek and now enjoy getting together for reunions and dinners in middle age. After FB we all reconnected.

@Empireapple …we must have the same son. He’s going to make a great husband.

@deb922 …no, not the univ he’s going too. They are just rushing now, 6 weeks in. Freshman live in dorms. But thanks for the pep talk!

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Does his school only have a Fall Rush or do they also have a Spring Rush? I know at my school we had both a Fall and a Spring. The Spring one wasn’t promoted as well so the competition wasn’t as hard as the fall rush. He might want to see if there is an option to try again in the Spring. Also, I wouldn’t discourage him from trying again next fall.

I know my fraternity took in guy’s who were Juniors but it is a bit easier and the majority of new members are Freshman. Each school and fraternity is different though so he may want to cast a wider net on his next try. Also, if he has some that he has targeted, during this year he may want to try and keep in touch with a few of the members. When the brothers are debating who get’s a bid it helps to have a few of them fighting for you that can actually speak about what they know about you. If he has a class with them, sit near them and try to start up a conversation.

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My oldest was in a fraternity. A younger family friend (two years behind) did not get a “bid”. He is much like the OP’s son, and the reasoning was that the fraternity as a whole didn’t feel like they had gotten to know him well enough during the pledge process. So my son made an effort to help him to meet fraternity members one on one, in less pressured situations, and the next semester he did get a “bid” from that fraternity. (Forgive my lack of correct wording . I have zero personal experience with Greek life.)

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They do have a spring rush and he debated if he should do it last spring. Perhaps in retrospect he should have. But he was so concerned about his grades…good boy…but it might have put him behind the 8 ball being a sophomore. I’m going to ask him, but I doubt he will. It’s not like he went and never heard from them again. He kept getting to the next round, but it’s having to deal with hope and rejection over and over again. Don’t know if he has it in him to go through that again in the spring. It’s been mentally wearing on him, especially the ones he felt like he might get a bid because it went well. He has such a great attitude. I’m trying to pump him up and he said you know, I met a lot of nice guys doing this.

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Sorry about that @conmama. I do wonder if his sophomore status hurt him if the fraternities he chose to rush are really popular. Doesn’t really matter now but I wish that they would tell kids this if they only want freshmen.

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I know someone who was in that boat. Partly it was because they narrowed their choices too finely, and I suppose there was a gap between their self-perception and that of others. (Isn’t that one of the realities of life? :slight_smile: )

In any case, it worked out ok not being a member, and possibly there were some constructive moments of realization. Some years down the road, I can confirm that there is no lasting harm from it.

I hope it all works out for him in some satisfactory way. The world is filled with success stories (many of them singularly remarkable) that have some kind of rejection along the way.

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Thanks @deb922 and @dadx . The sad thing is he knows exactly where he fits in the pecking order of popularity. But I know he feels that if he were excepted into one of the top tiered, it would elevate his status and he’d feel better about his place. As a matter of fact there is one that has been considered “the Frat” for decades. He went there on a fluke and was asked back twice. He said he couldn’t believe it! I said what’s not to believe, they would be lucky to have you.

I was the same way in H.S. I straddled the middle of the road kids and the popular ones. I was voted into the popular social clubs…which were not “legal” in svhool. However, I always felt like the fish out of water.

I totally agree with your post though and appreciate the Support!

16

My daughter is in a service sorority. Not part of the pan hellenic council and they have their own rush.
Very inclusive. Is there anything like that for guys?

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I transferred to a school with a big greek presence and did not get a bid after a semester of socializing with people who seemingly liked me. I was devastated. At the time it felt like the entire student body of my new school was rejecting me. After the fact a couple of members approached me to say it was because they wanted to fill their incoming class with first year students and they felt badly about not taking me as well. It was awkward and it hurt.

During the next semester I got involved at the student radio station and started writing/delivering the news each weekday night. It was a group of people who were active outside of the greek system. They were quirky, smart and fun. A semester later that same sorority offered me a spot and I turned them down. I realized that I had found my people. I am sure your son will find his way but I still remember the sting of that rejection. I truly feel for him.

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I’m glad you posted this conmama. My son is a first year, in a dorm, and loves it. There is only one fraternity that he would consider (his roommate’s brother is in it) but DS stays swamped with school work. He can’t even find time to go to the informal meet and greets.

I’ve been trying to help him understand that he may want to live in the dorms again next year, or try for an RA position (he’s great with stuff like that). Otherwise he may be in an apartment where it’s kind of lonely. We live close by so he could live here, but I honestly want him to stay with his “people”. He’s a very social kid, though a tech/gaming geek, and homeschooled for a long time so he enjoys hanging out with the guys. Yet he’s not the traditional fraternity type.

Anyway, I sort of get where you’re coming from and am thankful for your comments. I loved @Elleneast’s post, because when I look back on college I wish I hadn’t limited myself mostly to Greek life. Hopefully there will be a silver lining for your DS.

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Thanks Ellen for sharing your heartfelt story. It made me feel better and hopeful.

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I don’t know much about Greek life as I did not participate in it and neither did my kids. However, both of my kids were in a few activities on campus and strongly involved in one particular one all four years (older one was on ski team and younger one was in coed a cappella group). I feel that in many ways, these were like frats/sororities…a sense of belonging to a group that you spend a lot of time with and bond with. My kids are still close to those kids, being many years now out of college. So, a frat is not your son’s only option to belonging to a social group of sorts. There is likely a club or activity where he can find his people and have a close bond and sense of belonging.