I’m having a very hard time with college. I enrolled in to a college pretty far away from my hometown. I came in with a sense that I would do pre-med and end up being a doctor. I’ve always known I sucked at science classes, and STEM in general. I thought that with hard work, I could overcome these obstacles and end up persevering through my classes. I’ve been trying my very best, and it gets me nowhere except a failing grade. People say “change your study habits,” but I think there’s just something wrong with my brain. I can never finish anything, or do anything properly. I feel so useless. I want a stable job that pays well. I never had a passion for anything, so when people say “do what you like,” the question arises: what happens when I truly have no true willpower to do any certain subject? So I said “hey… might as well do something big.”
I want to do good. I want to strive higher. But I feel so lost. I end up feeling envious of my classmates of where they are, their confidence in what they want to do, how high their grades are, and it reminds me of everything I’m not. I have so much pressure on my shoulders, from my family, from my peers, and from myself in general. I end up isolating myself from others and distancing myself in shame because I feel so horrible of how far away I’ve strayed from my life. Ive always had big dreams of doing something extraordinary and meaningful in my life. I don’t know what I can do or how I can change. I have no motivation, and I have no idea what I want to do in my life. Ive read similar posts to mine, and everyone offers some pretty basic advice that Ive heard a million times. It doesn’t help me.
I feel like I’m a disappointment to myself and others. I want to my make the people around me proud. I can’t help but think Im wasting my time, my money, and my will to do anything. It’s becoming very overwhelming, not just with failing my classes, but with no path of what I want to do, how I can change my ways, and how lost and alone I feel. I constantly lie to myself and others by saying I know what I want to do and that I’m on a clear track but secretly I struggle with the burden of life. I know this is getting long, but I had to vent out my feelings. How do I manage this? Am I alone? Why is this happening? Am I just cursed and everyone around me is thriving while I’m left behind, struggling to pick up my own pieces of mistakes and faults?
I just want to be somebody. Feel like I’m contributing to our society. I wish I was someone else. I wish I could learn how to navigate life like others.
You can change your study habits, and you can go to tutoring, but it seems to me like you have a some personal issues that you need to work through. Speaking as someone who really struggled with study skills, mental health issues, and indecision on my first go at college – if you campus has a mental health center, I’d recommend going. Even if you’re not having mental health problems (which I don’t live in your head, but it sounds like you are) or any other issues are rearing their ugly heads, you might just find it really helpful to talk to someone about what’s going on aloud who can help you look for solutions.
With regards to doing something big: you don’t have to do that. It’s genuinely okay not to do that. Most people don’t, and that’s fine. You don’t need to find something you love - plenty of people who don’t really know what to do just pick a major and stick with it - but you do have to stick with something if you want to graduate, even if it’s hard. On the flip side, if it’s really out of your skill set and constantly making you miserable, maybe look for other options?
That said, as someone who has personally felt a lot of the things you’re describing here, I really do think you should prioritize getting help.
Pls get some help!
Adjusting to college may require small changes.
First your health. Physical and mental. Pls go to a counselor, pls get a check up.
Pls get fresh air and exercise.
Pls have fun.
Also, there are many health careers that are important and impactful that don’t require a four year college degree. Look through this website. Maybe you will find something that piques your interest!
But do get on good footing yourself. Any program will always be there!
You also might want to get testing for learning disabilities. Some of what you describe COULD fall under that heading. Also -there are plenty of non-STEM fields. Don’t torture yourself just because you think you ‘should’ do that.
But also counseling --they have it for FREE at universities and colleges. Make use of those resources.
It seems like a psychological evaluation could be helpful. You might have ADHD and/or depression/anxiety that could be interfering with your motivation and ability to complete tasks. Even without a complete evaluation, some therapy seems warranted. Tons of people (especially freshmen in college) don’t have a clear passion or direction career-wise. As stated above, there are so many options in healthcare, but after some more schooling you might find another interest. Also, many people end up in careers that pay the bills (where they might have some interest but aren’t passionate about it) and pursue their passions or strong interests as hobbies. Lots of different ways to do life, but you need some support now.
I think college is hard. The workload, the pace and you already struggled in science, and it’s not going to be easier in college. Some just struggle with certain subjects.
Many kids struggle that first semester. You are away from home. Trying to make friends. It’s not easy.
Make an appointment at health services or with a private counselor. Go to office hours.
Healthcare is vast. There are so many jobs.
I know a public health grad now working in cancer research. There are radiation therapists - check the curriculum. Less sciences. And so so so many jobs.
Try to take a deep breath. I know it’s hard but panic never helps.
Thank you for opening your heart to this website. It took a lot of courage to do that.
Now, what to do?
You need to understand that your regular support system is not around and it’s hard when you can’t discuss the changes that you are going through. This is normal when your peeps aren’t around.
You need to organize yourself. You need to find an outlet. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
If the mental health center is a little busy, understand that a huge number of students have the exact issues you are having. Please be patient.
Go to tutoring. My kids went daily to keep their grades strong and to meet others who were going through similar issues.
Volunteer on campus or get a job on campus. It helps you when you know you are helping others.
When you have questions, come back on this site. People here are very generous with suggestions and ideas. It helps a lot when you know that what has worked for us, will work for you.
Remember that you are young and you will go through a number of experiences that will change and help you to grow. Right now, it seems hard, but it does get better.
Take care! We’re sending e-hugs!
I agree with everyone else you should immediately seek out the support available at your college for situations just like this.
That said, I also want to give you a sort of mental permission to think about one possibility. You don’t have to leap to this conclusion yet, but I don’t think it hurts to know it is possible.
I think it is possible you went to college too early. I think this happens a lot, actually. Sometimes it makes sense to go to college on a “normal” schedule. But sometimes I think people really need a break from school first. They can get in the world, start seeing how different fields and career paths really work, and so on.
And then sometimes, that goes so well they never go to college. Other times, they do eventually go to college, but when they do, they have real focus on exactly what it is they are trying to get out of college and the role it will play in their career development.
I think it is unfortunate that some people treat this idea as if it represented a kind of failing. I don’t think that at all. I think in many cases it is just being smart, and indeed ambitious.
Again, I am not at all insisting this is what is going on with you. Take some time to use the resources at your college and see how it goes. But please do know that if you end up deciding you need to take a break from school and live a little before doing college, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is insisting on doing something when it is clearly not working for you, at least not yet.
First and foremost, make an appointment with a counselor/therapist to talk through your feelings about insecurity - it’s normal to have these feelings but you can learn skills to uplift yourself - positive vs negative self talk. For example, how we talk to ourselves is often much more harsh than how we’d talk to a friend expressing the same issues. Believe it or not, that’s a learned skill.
I actually don’t think anything you’ve stated you’re feeling is abnormal- you are just having an unrealistic expectation of yourself.
One thing -
You mentioned you don’t know what you want to do so you may as well do something big. I gather that’s how you chose pre-med. But I think you’re going about that decision in the wrong way.
You don’t have to do something big, and as a first year student (I’m presuming), you don’t even need to know what you want to do. My son two weeks before college started was expressing changing major from CS to some other engineering and now is back to CS with a second major in physics (that was last week, this week is math). And he’s one who has always sort of known a pathway. My point is - indecision is normal. Exploration is normal, I’d argue even the point of college.
My advice to my kids has always been to find an intersection between something they are good at/ where their natural skills lie, and something they enjoy. And then just make sure they can make a living of it to support themselves. That’s really it.
So if you’re saying your natural skills don’t lie in STEM — and I don’t know you enough to know whether that is in fact true or that’s just your negative self talk coming through — but if it’s true, then pre-med is probably not the right choice.
But if it’s not all STEM (my daughter recently has gotten into the behavioral sciences) then maybe you can find a pathway in health that emphasizes your strong skills and interests.
And if health/medicine is not even an interest, then that’s not a bad thing either - that’s self-discovery; embrace that understanding and go explore more options. You don’t have to declare a major at most schools until sophomore year so you have time to explore.
Were you having the same/similar struggles in High School?
I have a child in high school who is going through a situation very, very similar to yours. I tell my kid that some people are strategic thinkers, problem solvers, like challenges and learn by trial and error. The traditional school model favors the more compliant person, who is able to sit for hours and has good short term memory (and can memorize things for a test). Not everyone fits that mold, so for those folks, school is very, very hard.
Another thing to think about is that when we are young, so much (if not all) of what we decide to do and think we should do is heavily influenced by our family and peers. I sense from your post that you are trying very hard to fulfill someone else’s expectations. Have you considered keeping a diary? That could help organize your thoughts and think about what are the things you truly enjoy (not in the context of a school course, just in general).
I know a several folks who took a break from college (or delayed entering college) and started working instead. For many students, working at a job in the adult world does 2 very important things: (1) shows how much they are capable and how much they can accomplish on their own - they can find success at work that they can’t seem to accomplish in school; and (2) gives them the chance to be exposed to real life situations, which can help guide their decisions on what courses to pursue in college if that’s what they really want to do.
As for doing something meaningful and big… that can take many forms, and also - most importantly - it happens slowly over time and I don’t think anyone has a full, developed vision of what the big thing is when they first start. As the saying goes “as you start to walk the path, the path appears”.
Speaking with a counselor or a therapist could really help you!