I hate myself

Applying to College
1

<p>I’ve tried to convince myself that everything would be fine but its not. I’m a failure.</p>

<p>I spent most of my life trying to be somebody and do something important.</p>

<p>No one seemed to believe I would. I used to talk about being a politician but everyone thought it was stupid and I stopped talking about it. I’ll give people the correct answer but they simply ignore me and ask the guy who didn’t know who the vice president was and couldn’t understand a concept until it bit him on the ass.</p>

<p>So, I developed my identity. I was a man who had a grand destiny even if no one thought so. All I needed was hardwork. I worked hard and wallowed in any failure. It all rested on the fact that one day someone would see that I wasn’t mediocre. I was something special.</p>

<p>When college apps came I poured my life into it. I obsessed over every word because I believe somewhere deep down that this was my day. I would finally take my place among the best. I believed in myself and believed they would believe in me.</p>

<p>Hardwork did not previal. They looked at my apps and saw only mediocrity. When I look at my remaining college options all I see is mediocrity.</p>

<p>Most of you and my classmates apply then you cheer when you get in and wallow for an hour or two when you fail. Then you pick and choose your college giving enormous weight to such important criteria as dorm size, location, and weather. </p>

<p>All I wanted was a great school. It could be in Siberia. I didn’t care and I didn’t get in.</p>

<p>My identity is gone. Its not just this failure. It is a series of them stretched over many years. I rationalized all of them them as only a temporary set back. A failure of at most a couple months. </p>

<p>This is a failure of 18 years. I can no longer deny it. There is no grand destiny. The skies do not smile on me and they never will. One failure would be bad luck but this is just mediocrity. </p>

<p>That is my destiny. To be the world’s biggest mind frak. A man with enough intelligence and ambition to make a difference but I won’t. I’ll just push the boulder up the hill and each time I will believe I will succeed but I never will. </p>

<p>The only thing that keeps me from collapsing on the floor is appeals and one waitlist.</p>

2

<p>GauisBaltar, as someone who is also appealing to colleges, I can only wish the best for you. I’m trying to be eloquent and say something that will hopefully make you feel better, but my wit is failing me right now.</p>

<p>I can only remember something my English told me the day I asked him for a letter of recommendation: You’ve been working hard 18 years, and right now, 18 years may seem like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things, there is surely more to come. The life expectancy these days is what, 85, 90? You have so many more years before you, and you seem pretty intelligent. Who knows what you can accomplish.</p>

<p>Remember, there’s more than one route to success. Go to community college and transfer if you must?</p>

<p>And because I’m in a biblical mood, here are two passages that I’ve found very comforting these past few weeks.</p>

<p>“Everything is possible for him who believes.”
-Mark 9:23</p>

<p>“Ask and it shall be given; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
-Matthew 7:7-8</p>

<p>I’m not trying to be evangelical or anything =P
I’m also not trying to be overly optimistic, but there’s no denying that you are very depressed right now. And maybe knowing that there is a stranger reaching out and wishing you the best of luck will help you feel better :)</p>

3

<p>If you have ever seen the film “Amadeus”, then you can relate to Salieri, the self-professed patron saint of mediocrity. In fact, we both can. </p>

<p>Most of us are mediocre. But those of us who realize our own middling influence carry the true burden: we are constantly aware of what we are not. Yet, we are the background noise from which greatness distinguishes itself. Those smiling achievers can have their day in the sun, but they cannot have it without us. We lend their successes credence.</p>

<p>There is an inscription in the pronaos at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi: “Know thyself”. We mediocre stock fulfill this commandment in the highest sense. We know ourselves (perhaps too well). For us, life is a series of encounters with the exceptional, of which we are not. Our senses are heightened to the successes of those endowed with natural ability. Resentment, envy, jealousy, depression, anger: these are profoundly human emotions. Perhaps we should embrace these things, because it makes us more human than them.</p>

4

<p>It’s kinda selfish don’t ya think to be so sure that out of 6 billion people in the world, you alone have some ‘grand destiny’ even though you admit you have only ‘mediocrity’ I’m being harsh, but your goals have to be realistic, you’re not going to take over the world or cure cancer. People are starving over the world, lives ruined by drugs and poverty.Your hard work got you out of that. There are people all over the world working, praying to get where you are. You ever hear the saying ‘The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool’?
Well same goes for your idea of ‘greatness’. Someone who goes around thinking he’s ‘destined’ for greatness…well…isn’t.</p>

5

<p>“It’s kinda selfish don’t ya think to be so sure that out of 6 billion people in the world, you alone have some ‘grand destiny’ even though you admit you have only ‘mediocrity’ I’m being harsh, but your goals have to be realistic, you’re not going to take over the world or cure cancer. People are starving over the world, lives ruined by drugs and poverty.Your hard work got you out of that. There are people all over the world working, praying to get where you are. You ever hear the saying ‘The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool’?
Well same goes for your idea of ‘greatness’. Someone who goes around thinking he’s ‘destined’ for greatness…well…isn’t.”</p>

<p>Untrue, in fact it can be argued that having a profound sense of your destined greatness does motivate individuals to succeed. Of course, it can also backfire. As for your argument about people being worse off than this individual: If people complain that they do not have health insurance in the US, should the government say “shut up, in Bangladesh, people have barely enough to eat, so be grateful for what you have”? No, there are grades of problems, just because there are people starving somewhere else shouldn’t belittle a profoundly personal struggle that someone is dealing with. Having a sense of your own self-worth is a big deal. Saying “Why are you depressed, there are people starving in Africa” doesn’t help solve the problem either. People can’t just magically feel better, even though they can understand that they are comparatively better off than some other group of people. Until you stop with these ill thought-out sophomoric replies, you can’t start to solve the problem.</p>

6

<p>I am somewhat alarmed at your note. You need to understand that success is not the college you go to but who you are, and to a degree a matter of serendipity and randomness. Happiness is about finding some things and some people you love and love to do. If you are brilliant and destined for greatness, no college will stop you by not admitting you and if you are merely normal or average, Harvard or Stanford won’t change that. </p>

<p>Young people lack life experience to know that they have not invented pathos or been the first to have dissapointment. You will yet experience joy and more sorrow, and one day may laugh at the person who wrote the note today. But that will take time. </p>

<p>In the meantime, find someone you trust to talk to. I would suggest you consider finding a therapist to reflect on your self-concept. Good luck to you and feel free to write me privately and tell me how you are doing.</p>

7

<p>Astrixx, I wouldnt dismiss what Changeling said so fast. He is like a bucket of cold water. It’s harsh, but does wake one up. Now all you did when you said “Untrue…” was put OP’s head back into the water.</p>

8

<p>I’m not saying that he should feel better because there are people worse off than him. I’m saying noone is ‘destined for greatness’ I’m taking issue with the fact that he naturally assumes that he is better than everyone else and is supposed to be. I was trying to soften the blow slightly, by saying your hard work did get you somewhere, I’m just saying noone is born with a mandate to be better than every one else in the world. Sophoromic? Actually I think being adamant you’re going to be the next richest man on the planet is the rather juvenile goal. Telling oh you’re great, your belief in your greatness will make you great, might boost his confidence in the short-term, but it is not as you call it ‘solving the problem’. Unless you have some miracle method of making him the next president as soon as he hits 35, then not being nice is the only way to start solving the problem.</p>

9

<p>ya i think i might be in the same boat as you… i took 25 college courses and I believe that if i get rejected all this hard wor for really for nothing… just to learn. there’s still grad school… now if u get rejected from top grad schools, then you should cry… undergrad doesnt matter</p>

10

<p>Gauis, quit being a baby and grow up. At least you have options among the “mediocre” schools you got into. I got rejected from every one of my top choices, and the only choice I had was my state school. When the rejections came in, I hated myself for not trying harder during my first few semesters of HS, because I know I would’ve gotten in if I had.</p>

<p>Anyway the point is, if you’re really as good as you say you are, you’ll do well and succeed regardless of where you go. Case in point: I love it at my school and I’m (academically) kicking ass and taking names.</p>

11

<p>You didn’t do all that hard work for nothing. You did all that work to get into your state school instead of dropping out and working in maccers for the rest of your life.</p>

12

<p>Gauis-Don’t be so hard on yourself. It worries me that a person as young as you feels like such a failure. You need to focus on the bright side of life and learn from you failures then move on. I think that talking to a counselor, maybe yours at school would be a good starting place, to help you deal with what you perceive as failure. If you area a good person and work hard at whatever you do then to me that is a successful life. It sounds like you don’t get a lot of support at home, so find a support system. Your dreams are yours and nobody can stop you from believing in them, only you allow yourself to stop with negative emotions. Like one of the posters said, there are many, many ways to achieve your goals and every “failure” along the way should make you learn and become stronger. Best of luck to you.</p>

13

<p>Just grow up. Life doesn’t revolve around college admissions. When will people ever freakin’ learn.</p>